Depression

[Chad3232132]

Well, first off I'd like to say hi to all those folks who were so kind to me in the past on these forums. I started posting here around a year or so ago and did so until several months ago. You all really did help me feel beteer in dealing with issues of religion (or lack-there-of). Reason I vanished from the forums several months ago was more or less due to depression. I've been dealing with it for as long as I remember, but it's getting worse and worse nowadays. Things I used to anjoy have really become a bitter struggle. I can barely stand dealing with other people, sometimes even family and friends anymore. Things I used to have no problem with such as large crowds or driving on the interstate practically paralyze me.

 

One example was last week when I went to a theme park with friends to celebrate my best friends birthday. I was absolutely miserable. I just wanted to get it over with and isolate myself from everyone. Sometimes I get in my car in the morning and feel utterly lost, wanting to go back in the house and not deal with anything. Often times the things I worry about are completely out of my control, such as worrying about the srry state of the country and world or anger over intolerance (of people like us who ditched religion and of other types, personal sense of sadness for the plight of poor and abused people, etc.

 

I'm sure some of this is biological. From the little bit I know of psychology and genetics I have little doubt it has a lot to do with my family. My mother, grandparets, and uncle have all suffered from depression and extreme anxiety. What makes all of this worse is that my family and friends seem to look up to me in many ways. I'm the first in my family to graduate college and get a good job, was always good at sports, etc. I try to put on a "happy face", but inside I feel like I'm already dead. I've never tried to commit suicide and don't really consider it. I suppose if I were religious and believed there was somethign after death I would have.

 

I've read some self-help books and internet info on depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorders, etc., but nothing seems to help. Earlier this week I setup an appointment with a psychiatrist. I have no idea if it will work, but I'm about out of options. I put off this option as long as I could, but maybe taking that next step and talking to a professional.

 

Any comments, advise, recommendations, etc. are appreciated. I'm sure I am not the only one here who has gone through this. Sorry to ramble on so long and I hope I posted in the correct forum!

[Legion]

Hey there Chad. I used to struggle with manic-depression. I have been medicated for several years now and my moods have stabilized and my judgement has returned. But I know what it means to go through a long dark night of the soul. And it sucks in my opinion. There were times when the only thing that kept me going was curiousity. Curiousity may have killed the cat, but it saved me. I am just intensely interested in some things and I have to live to find out more about them. I hope that you have some things to look forward to as well.

 

Earlier this week I setup an appointment with a psychiatrist.

I think that you've done a good thing here. A psychiatrist might be able to pinpoint your problem relatively quickly. Certainly they will do a better job than anything I might be able to do. Seeing that depression may run in your family, medication might be the route to take.

 

Please hang in there my man. There may be no quick fix to this thing. However I am hoping that you make it through to the other side. I think life is worth living and living to the full.

[R. S. Martin]

Chad I think you made a wise decision to see a psychiatrist. The problem can be biological. Hopefully he/she can help you.

[Brother Jeff]

I lived for several years with mind-numbing, spirit-crushing DEPRESSION, the likes of which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - not even the Talking Snake! I did try to commit suicide three times in as many years. I was very nearly successful each time, but fortunately I survived. What worked for me was a radical change in diet. I cut wheat, dairy products, peanuts, and sugar out of my diet and experienced an amazingly rapid return to health and reasonably normal functioning. I'm not saying that "diet is the answer", but it's certainly worth exploring, in my opinion.

 

I strongly recommend keeping the appointment with the psychiatrist. There are medications available now that can really help, but most of them take at least a couple of weeks to start working (the SSRI meds). Counseling can help as well. Exercise should help, too. Get out for a long walk when the weather is good.

 

Hang in there!

[Vigile]

Hey Chad, I have nothing to add to what the others have said. Just wanted to say hello and tell you I missed your valuable input in the political debates around here.

[Guest walkingaway]

Hi all,

 

I am new and have enjoyed reading on this site.

 

Chad- i feel for you, you sound like you have emotional pain from bipolar disorder. Keep the psychiatry appt. New drugs: abilify is a newer one on the market and has caused major relief for a friend who struggled with this. Geodon is an older drug, but still used by many and does relieve those symptoms. You and the doc will figure it out. Hang in there, help is on the way. another thing your doc may suggest is cognitive behavioral therapy, basically you go through childhood memories, and it helps uncover things that may have been suppressed and be attributing to the depression.

 

Life's best to you.

[DeanLautermilch]

I was ripped off for $70,000 dollars by a 'Christian' and two churches involved did not help. I am dealing with that shortly and will post the results here.

 

I almost ended it, tried pills, took walks, etc. to get out of it.

 

 

Anyway for me the epiphany moment was cruising the web and reading a simple statment - 'depression = anger turned inward'. I was made that this person stole all my money by using Jesus. So I am doing a website to expose him that is just starting out. http://www.swindledforjesus.com

 

 

You have to fight depression with a vengence. I'm sorry I did not fight back from the start.

[RedPillAddict]

Hey Chad....this is Chad, lol.

 

I am in the same boat as you. I went from being a very outgoing guy to being a hermit.

I'd rather sit at home and play video games or watch tv than go out w/ friends.

I also started having anxiety attacks which were really scary....so I went to my doctor.

I started out on prozac....went to effexor xr.....and just switched to zoloft last week...i think the zoloft is actually working.

I have also been on Lamictal(mood stabilizer) for about a year now, because my doctor thinks I have signs of being Bi-Polar.

Went to a therapist for a while....seemed like a waste of time for me.

I do feel better now though...most people have to try a few different meds before they find one that works for them.

[godlessgrrl]

Depression sucks ass.

 

I got my first Dx of depression at 19. I'll be 35 next month. It hasn't been a picnic. I've been on at least one med from every anti-dep family out there, tried therapy, seen multiple shrinks, dealt with depression and anxiety in a lovely combo platter (which seems to be a big problem right now that I'm trying to address)... messed with diet, med dosages, different therapies, exercise, you name it and I've tried it. And I'm fucking sick of all of it, frankly.

 

So at the moment I'm not medicated at all, and mostly I handle the moods and issues by just knowing that they're going to come up. I pay a lot of attention to my triggers and I keep a mental list of the things I can try whenever I have a crisis. Thankfully I'm rarely suicidal anymore, and have learned that I usually get that way when I feel powerless - hence the solution is to do something that gives me a sense of autonomy. (I should probably also note that my psych issues improved dramatically once I ditched religion, for whatever that's worth.)

 

The point of all this is that maybe I'm not taking any treatments right now, but I've learned over the years that there's a whole host of things out there that can help a body handle depression - and I highly recommend just starting with something, anything, to get you out of it, because being depressed and/or anxious all the time is far worse than any process you might go through in order to deal with it.

 

Seeing a psychiatrist is a very good first step. Meds can be helpful too. So can diet. So can exercise. So can therapy. So can a combo platter of several healthy things. Figuring out what helps when can be a long process but I think life is too short not to at least try to make your situation better somehow.

 

But in any case, hang in there. Depression is tough, but manageable. Keep us posted on how it goes.

 

And welcome back.

[Guest socalobjectivist]

Another ex-christian with depression here. Almost weird that there are a lot of us.

 

I've done medications - a lot of different SSRIs that didn't work, then Wellbutrin which worked pretty well. I just switched to Effexor, so far so good. They aren't happy pills but they just make it easier to get by and easier to not get overwhelmed.

 

If you have serious thoughts of harming yourself, see about getting a benzodiazepine (Xanax, Valium)...helps mellow you out while the SSRI/SNRI takes time to develop an effect.

 

Other things to do: FORCE YOURSELF TO WORKOUT or at least move. Minimum walk around the block. Buy a dog so you'll have to (the unconditional love is also a nice bonus). I tend to get really tense and working out is the only way to get rid of it. The endorphins you get from working out are a natural way to get happy.

Make a schedule and fill it. Be busy. Plan things with others. If there are no others, go walk around the mall.

 

Someone said that depression can be manifest as anger turned inward. I didn't really understand how to be angry until a couple of years ago. If something bad happened to me, or someone didn't treat me right, I'd always get very upset and tearful. Now I realize that my emotions are confused - I never get angry and always get sad. It's a constant struggle for me to remember that if someone doesn't treat me right I should be pissed instead of crawling into a corner and crying.

 

As for therapy, cognitive-behavioral is pretty good. Here's a few tenets to try out if you can't make it to an appointment soon:

For a situation you don't like, you have three options - the 3 A's

Alter - try to change something about the situation

Avoid - try to not deal with the situation

Accept - suck it up and do it

...you're supposed to comtemplate how to do each of the three and possible outcomes and then decide what to do.

 

Then there is the ABCDE approach to situations/thoughts:

A - antecedent event - something happens (ex. you fail a test)

B - beliefs - you filter the antecedent event through the filter of your beliefs about yourself, others (ex. I'm stupid, have always been bad at math)

C - consequence - your beliefs will determine how you feel/react to the antecedent event (ex. I'm really sad about that test)

D - dispute - if you have a bad consequence, dispute the beliefs that led to it (ex. How do you know you are stupid? What evidence do you have? What evidence do you have to the contrary?) - this is the step that usually involves drudging up the past in therapy

E - emotion - after you've disputed your beliefs, you should be able to have a new emotional outcome (ex. It's unfortunate that I failed the test, but I'll talk to the professor and see what I can do to get back on track. It'll be hard work, but I've done challenging things in the past, and I believe I will get through this as well.)

 

One thing that gets me through when times get really bad is the thought that there are going to be better times ahead. I've cycled through several deep depressions, only to come out and have good times again. There are going to be good times in your future. It may not feel like it now, but they will come.

[D Laurier]

Hullo Chad... And Chad... And everyone else with depression.

Rule one, DONT DRINK. Booze just deepens depression.

Rule two, Got out of the house... Just get out. Go for a walk or something. EVERY DAY.

Rule three, Get Involved in something.

 

 

Those are what keeps my depression at bay.

[Chad3232132]

Hey gang. Thanks for all the kind words and it's great to see many of you whom I remember from so many lively discussions and debates. I really do appreciate the great care, recommendations, and kind words of support you've given me.

 

Over time I've learned a great deal from you guys and I now realize that that I should have never left these forums. It was reading posting relating to you Brother Jeff sometime ago that I actually learned of bi-polar disorder and realized that I may exhibit many of the symptoms.

 

D Laurier, it's interesting that you mentioned drinking. While I've never been a heavy drinker and usually don't have much of an urge to drink often I have noticed that drinking with friends is about the only thing that makes me feel free from worry, in the short-term at least. Of course afterwards it only makes me feel worse, so that's probably what keeps me from drinking more than once each week or two. One thing that worries me about the psychiatrist and possible prescription route is addiction. While I've never abused drugs in my life, I have to say that it seems there is a good chance that abuse of prescription drugs could be a problem. I've seen several family members hooked on everything from painkillers to anti-depressants. With family history and personal patterns of obsessive-compulsive in my past and present the potential for addition is probably high. Oh well, I suppose if I'm honest with my doctor this can be prevented.

 

And political discussion and debate, especially regarding separation of church and state has always been a passion of mine that I've been missing out in by leaving these forums Vigile. It's hard to even discuss these things nowadays, with the state of the country and the world it just causes me to feel more helpless and depressed. Hopefully things will get better for me and I'll have the energy to do these things that I once enjoyed again. And just remember if and when I do, don't use the kiddie gloves when I say something idiotic... hammer away, I'd expect nothing less.

 

One thing that bothers me about life is that while ditching religion may be very liberating in mind and spirit, in some way it can feel every bit as restricting as the shackles of religion. Saying goodbye to phony gods only goes so far when the realization comes that this life is the only one and there is nothing after death. I'm not saying this is a major source of my depression, but at times when I look at the "bigger picture of things" and come to the conclusion that there apparently is no big picture it really sucks! Has anyone else felt this way?

 

Again, thank you all for your kind words of support.

[mick]

There is a book called "Feeling Good" by David Burns. I recommend this book highly to you if you are suffering from depression. It really is very very helpful. It is about cognitive therapy. Ask you doctor about that as well.

 

Well, first off I'd like to say hi to all those folks who were so kind to me in the past on these forums. I started posting here around a year or so ago and did so until several months ago. You all really did help me feel beteer in dealing with issues of religion (or lack-there-of). Reason I vanished from the forums several months ago was more or less due to depression. I've been dealing with it for as long as I remember, but it's getting worse and worse nowadays. Things I used to anjoy have really become a bitter struggle. I can barely stand dealing with other people, sometimes even family and friends anymore. Things I used to have no problem with such as large crowds or driving on the interstate practically paralyze me.

 

One example was last week when I went to a theme park with friends to celebrate my best friends birthday. I was absolutely miserable. I just wanted to get it over with and isolate myself from everyone. Sometimes I get in my car in the morning and feel utterly lost, wanting to go back in the house and not deal with anything. Often times the things I worry about are completely out of my control, such as worrying about the srry state of the country and world or anger over intolerance (of people like us who ditched religion and of other types, personal sense of sadness for the plight of poor and abused people, etc.

 

I'm sure some of this is biological. From the little bit I know of psychology and genetics I have little doubt it has a lot to do with my family. My mother, grandparets, and uncle have all suffered from depression and extreme anxiety. What makes all of this worse is that my family and friends seem to look up to me in many ways. I'm the first in my family to graduate college and get a good job, was always good at sports, etc. I try to put on a "happy face", but inside I feel like I'm already dead. I've never tried to commit suicide and don't really consider it. I suppose if I were religious and believed there was somethign after death I would have.

 

I've read some self-help books and internet info on depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorders, etc., but nothing seems to help. Earlier this week I setup an appointment with a psychiatrist. I have no idea if it will work, but I'm about out of options. I put off this option as long as I could, but maybe taking that next step and talking to a professional.

 

Any comments, advise, recommendations, etc. are appreciated. I'm sure I am not the only one here who has gone through this. Sorry to ramble on so long and I hope I posted in the correct forum!

[Guest walkingaway]

socalobjectivist wrote "Someone said that depression can be manifest as anger turned inward. I didn't really understand how to be angry until a couple of years ago. If something bad happened to me, or someone didn't treat me right, I'd always get very upset and tearful. Now I realize that my emotions are confused - I never get angry and always get sad. It's a constant struggle for me to remember that if someone doesn't treat me right I should be pissed instead of crawling into a corner and crying."

 

This happens to me!! (never getting angry when someone is intentionally mean) or doesn't control their jealousy etc. I always go to guilt and shame and don't feel the anger, rather it does turn inward and I go to depression. I think that I had so much indoctrination of christian religion from an abusive undiagnosed bipolar father (what cog behavior therapy showed) that I am always walking on eggshells, trying not to offend, people pleasing, taking everyones feelings in and discounting my own. I wish I could get truly angry and learn to defend myself better. cognitive therapy has helped me, I have been in a year and a half and so far the whole exercise has been empowerment. I have the right to live my life, I have the right to how I feel etc.

 

socalobjectivist- i know you said the three A's and I will suppress until I can avoid, but I tend to go to avoidance, and "crawl into the corner" I am gregarious and fun until a conflict usually steming from someone else's jealousy. I should learn to push back, set a limit, etc. I am just not there yet. Any advice? I will consult my behavioral therapist on the 10th about this.

[4truth]

Hi Chad! Don't give up! I've struggled with depression for years. It took awhile to find a medication to work for me, but there is one out there that will work for you. It's hard to wait for that to happen while you feel so awful. Therapy helps a lot to get you through the wait. A couple of months ago, I had a light-bulb moment when I realized that deep down I never thought it was okay to be happy. In churches I have gone to, I heard many times " God doesn't promise that you'll be happy. He doesn't care if you're happy, he cares if you are becoming more like Christ." No wonder I was always depressed! For the first time in my life I am happy and it feels GREAT! Enjoying life just for the sake of enjoying life is so freeing. Too many years my life was spent trying to measure up to some impossible ideal, so I always felt like a failure. It feels so good to be away from that!

[Japedo]

D Laurier, it's interesting that you mentioned drinking. While I've never been a heavy drinker and usually don't have much of an urge to drink often I have noticed that drinking with friends is about the only thing that makes me feel free from worry, in the short-term at least. Of course afterwards it only makes me feel worse, so that's probably what keeps me from drinking more than once each week or two. One thing that worries me about the psychiatrist and possible prescription route is addiction. While I've never abused drugs in my life, I have to say that it seems there is a good chance that abuse of prescription drugs could be a problem. I've seen several family members hooked on everything from painkillers to anti-depressants. With family history and personal patterns of obsessive-compulsive in my past and present the potential for addition is probably high. Oh well, I suppose if I'm honest with my doctor this can be prevented.

 

 

Hi Chad,

 

You have been missed, and I'm happy to see you posting, but I'm sorry about what you're going thru at the current moment.

 

I had an extreme phobia of becoming addicted to medication also. (I suffer from Panic disorder) There was my lowest point where I was mentally crippled. I wouldn't leave the house and was terrified to fall asleep. Sleep deprivation doesn't help of course. I spent many nights in the ER convinced I was dying.

 

My husband convinced me to see a doctor. I didn't want to go but at the same time knew I couldn't continue to live like I was living.... It wasn't living at all.

 

I remember my first appointment where I cried and felt I was a failure and didn't believe there was anything that could cure me as it was all in my head. I started on Paxil and had Xanex for immediate relief of extreme anxiety. The Dr assured me he wouldn't allow me to become addicted and I had to be willing to give a little trust to him. He asked me if I had diabetes or Cancer and came to him for help if I would look at myself as a failure for being sick. The obvious answer was no, He then went on to ask me if I was given medication to help me for these sickness if I would be concern about having addiction problems. I shrugged as he gave me a whole other way of looking at myself and problem. He said I had a sickness and there was light at the end of the tunnel for me. He promised there was a cure with medication and with behavioral therapy I could maybe eventually be off the meds.

 

I stayed on the paxil, and had to teach myself how to rethink things. Happy to say today I'm not on meds, but that's not to say I might not need them in the future if I go into another relapse. I'm educated on my disorder and had to retrain my thinking process and the way I lived. I limit my caffeine and make sure I get plenty of rest and at least get out for walks/hikes. I had to learn to listen to my body and have a process when an attack starts coming. So far it's worked for me.

 

I wish you much love and luck and a speedy recovery Chad! You're a huge asset to the Ex-C community and like Vigile I have greatly missed your wise input.

[Chad3232132]

D Laurier, it's interesting that you mentioned drinking. While I've never been a heavy drinker and usually don't have much of an urge to drink often I have noticed that drinking with friends is about the only thing that makes me feel free from worry, in the short-term at least. Of course afterwards it only makes me feel worse, so that's probably what keeps me from drinking more than once each week or two. One thing that worries me about the psychiatrist and possible prescription route is addiction. While I've never abused drugs in my life, I have to say that it seems there is a good chance that abuse of prescription drugs could be a problem. I've seen several family members hooked on everything from painkillers to anti-depressants. With family history and personal patterns of obsessive-compulsive in my past and present the potential for addition is probably high. Oh well, I suppose if I'm honest with my doctor this can be prevented.

 

 

Hi Chad,

 

You have been missed, and I'm happy to see you posting, but I'm sorry about what you're going thru at the current moment.

 

I had an extreme phobia of becoming addicted to medication also. (I suffer from Panic disorder) There was my lowest point where I was mentally crippled. I wouldn't leave the house and was terrified to fall asleep. Sleep deprivation doesn't help of course. I spent many nights in the ER convinced I was dying.

 

My husband convinced me to see a doctor. I didn't want to go but at the same time knew I couldn't continue to live like I was living.... It wasn't living at all.

 

I remember my first appointment where I cried and felt I was a failure and didn't believe there was anything that could cure me as it was all in my head. I started on Paxil and had Xanex for immediate relief of extreme anxiety. The Dr assured me he wouldn't allow me to become addicted and I had to be willing to give a little trust to him. He asked me if I had diabetes or Cancer and came to him for help if I would look at myself as a failure for being sick. The obvious answer was no, He then went on to ask me if I was given medication to help me for these sickness if I would be concern about having addiction problems. I shrugged as he gave me a whole other way of looking at myself and problem. He said I had a sickness and there was light at the end of the tunnel for me. He promised there was a cure with medication and with behavioral therapy I could maybe eventually be off the meds.

 

I stayed on the paxil, and had to teach myself how to rethink things. Happy to say today I'm not on meds, but that's not to say I might not need them in the future if I go into another relapse. I'm educated on my disorder and had to retrain my thinking process and the way I lived. I limit my caffeine and make sure I get plenty of rest and at least get out for walks/hikes. I had to learn to listen to my body and have a process when an attack starts coming. So far it's worked for me.

 

I wish you much love and luck and a speedy recovery Chad! You're a huge asset to the Ex-C community and like Vigile I have greatly missed your wise input.

 

Heya Japedo. Thanks for the kind words. Well, I'm going to my appointment in tomorrow morning, in about 12 hours. I'm still a bit nervous about it but I've made up my mind that I'm going. I still don't feel entirely comfortable even though I know it's confidential. I have not told anyone about this other than you guys. My friends and family have no clue and I told my boss at work I'd be 2 hours late due to a physical I had scheduled. Well, I suppose it's not anyone's business but my own and those I choose to tell anyway. Even with seeing a psychiatrist I seem to have anxieties over the silliest things. I almost switched doctors because I had preconceived notions that since this doctor is Indian he might not understand my situation because of his different culture. Nevermind that fact that he's probably dedicated his life to helping people and is probably as "American" as I am.

[Chad3232132]

Well, went to my first appointment today and it went well for the most part. I was very nervous, but the doctor was nice and seemed very caring and knowledgable. He said I had clinical depression and some other jargon I really completely understand. I guess it's just doctor talk for "screwed up." He put me on Alprazolam for anxiety, which from what I understand is just generic for Xanax. He said most likely he'll give me some other medications for depression soon.

 

I've been scheduled for a bloodwork, drug screen, and a thyroid profile and a few other things next week. I guess this is just to make sure there might not be other medical reasons for some of my problems. By the way, does anyone know what the heck a thyroid profile is? I've never heard of that. And does anyone know what a medical professional with the designation "ARNP" is? Because that's the person I'm supposed to see next visit.

[Guest socalobjectivist]

The thyroid panel looks at a couple of different hormones, usually T3, T4, and TSH. T3 and T4 are thyroid hormones, with T3 being the more potent of the two. TSH is short for thyroid stimulating hormone. It is released from the anterior pituitary and it stimulates the thyroid to make more thyroid hormone. TSH release is stimulated by low thyroid hormone levels in the blood, so it will typically be high if your thyroid levels are low. Anyway, the significance of figuring out what your hormone levels are is that hypothyroidism, i.e. low thyroid hormone levels, is a condition that has depression as a symptom. Other symptoms of hypothyroidism include poor metabolism, in general feeling sluggish, fatigued, difficultly concentrating, feeling cold/low body temperature, low heart rate, and coarse and thinning hair.

 

ARNP is probably a type of nurse practitioner if I had to hazard a guess.

 

Hope you continue to do well.

[Brother Jeff]

An ARNP is an Advanced Registered Nurse Practitioner.

 

I am beseeching the Magic Sky Man in your behalf, Brother Chad! Glory!

[Chad3232132]

The thyroid panel looks at a couple of different hormones, usually T3, T4, and TSH. T3 and T4 are thyroid hormones, with T3 being the more potent of the two. TSH is short for thyroid stimulating hormone. It is released from the anterior pituitary and it stimulates the thyroid to make more thyroid hormone. TSH release is stimulated by low thyroid hormone levels in the blood, so it will typically be high if your thyroid levels are low. Anyway, the significance of figuring out what your hormone levels are is that hypothyroidism, i.e. low thyroid hormone levels, is a condition that has depression as a symptom. Other symptoms of hypothyroidism include poor metabolism, in general feeling sluggish, fatigued, difficultly concentrating, feeling cold/low body temperature, low heart rate, and coarse and thinning hair.

 

ARNP is probably a type of nurse practitioner if I had to hazard a guess.

 

Hope you continue to do well.

 

Ouch, most of those symptoms I have to some degree. All of them really aside from my hair which I havn't lost any of. Thanks for the info!

 

And I have to say the anxiety drug seems to have helped quite a bit. My panic attacks are not as bad. Though the sleepiness side-effect can be a drag.