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Christianity Nearly Killed Me ...


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I was born bisexual. I was aroused by other men as much as women, and by my mid-teens I had a long-lasting relationship with another guy that started as a friendship and blossomed over time.

 

I already considered myself atheist by this time, having giving up on the Christianity my mother tried to expose me to through her Baptist Church she attended ... well ... religiously. I gave up on being Christian years before I was even 12 when she stopped forcing me to go to church with her.

 

And yet, I guess even after that, things stuck with me. Our pastor had given the evils of homosexuality schpiels, and for some reason I retained them in some part of my psyche even as I became aware, more and more, that I was attracted to other guys. By the time I was 16, I considered running away and trying to find a hospital that would castrate me, to purge all of my sexual thoughts. I became depressed worse and worse to the point of considering myself too sick to save and that I would be better off killing myself.

 

I still can't quite explain why, so many years after not considering myself Christian, I stabbed myself so badly with that extremely unnatural dogma that taught me the feelings I had for another guy were, in fact, a sickness. The day I finally learned to accept that love = love, no matter what, dogma be damned ... is the day, for the very first time in my life, I did not feel depressed. I actually felt /good./ Its very difficult for me to express how powerful this was for me, as I had never known real happiness ... when I tried to be a Christian, it was always a feeling of pretending ... I pretended to be Christian, it felt no more real than pretending to be Captain Kirk or a cowboy or Indian. The feeling I had when I finally accepted the love I had in my life as being a good thing, and the fact that it happend to be with someone of the same gender no longer had a negative impact on me.

 

Its become harder and harder for me to keep myself from lashing back at Christians, though some of the good friends I've had and continue to have are Christian. I know, rationally, its just the extremists that I really can't deal with, but still ... its hard. I hate the lies and the b.s. ... what -is- it with Christians and completely abusing words? Homosexuality exists in nature, yet they label it "unnatural" ... what the heck!? Tallying the Crusades, Inquisition, Conquistadores and World War II (where Adolf Hitler, the product of several Christian teachings of violent hatred of Jews), Christianity has slaughtered more innocent people than all the other religions combined ... yet they describes themselves as being peaceful and loving. The Catholic Church operated for so long raping children, covering up and getting away with it because its the church ... how is that -not- a cult? The tout words like "freedom" ... yet, they only want freedom for Christians and want to snub it for non-Christians. They tout "love" yet practice hatred, glorify peace yet practice war, rail about being persecuted yet they lead in persecuting others ... is there no way to get them to at least stop the lies and deceit?

 

I'm 31 now, and each year makes me worried more and more. I've started to give up hope that the U.S. will become truly secular, its gradually drifting away from secularism ... I have strong doubts George Bush's unpopularity won't be enough to regain sanity. I'm now to the point of being ashamed of being "American," finding all of the say one thing and practicing another has been a part of the U.S. from the beginning principles of supposed liberty, freedom and justice for all -- if you were a White Christian man. Its definitely a nation of "some are more equal than others." I find it somewhat amusing that nations that openly describe themselves as "Christian" -- namely Denmark in my case, a place I've been pondering emigrating to "if I ever won the lotto" ... have more freedom, liberty and justice for non-Christians than the U.S. which touts itself as a nation for all.

 

I thought I had purged all my Christian ridiculousisms, but especially the past couple of weeks (I'm now 31), I'm starting to worry some of my traits may still be residuals from the first dozen years of my life when I was brainwashed into believing up was down.

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Welcome to the site! :wave:

 

Sadly, stories like yours only confirm that the Xian tradition of turning human beings against themselves and convincing people of their own worthlessness is alive and well, no matter how soft many other sects have become.

 

But don't count the States out yet - the trend over here, in most areas, is towards freedom for gays and others who do not ascribe to Xian doctrine. We've made great leaps in the past few decades, and all that's left is to keep up the pressure on religious fanatics who would try to turn back the clock.

 

And the myth that the US was founded on Xian princples is that - a myth.

 

But I hope your stay here is fruitful and that your path away from the spiritual terrorism of Xianity gets easier. In fact, so long as you hang in there, it will :)

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Hello Chibiabos,

 

Welcome to Ex-C!

 

You are among friends here.

 

Taph

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Thanks all.

 

I remember the first time I read stuff about "ex gays" turned Christian ... I about wanted to just give up on it all again. :/

 

I should have known better and should have googled for "ex Christian" back then, but it didn't even occur to me to do so until just a couple hours ago. I'm glad I found my way here.

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Chibiabos,

 

The "ex-gay" crap Christians like to spew is just a bunch of propaganda. For one thing, their "ex-gay" programs don't work. All they do is inflict guilt on people for simply being human and having human desires. Sexuality is a human condition, period! It's not possible to make someone "ex-gay" anymore than it's possible to make someone "ex-straight"

 

I don't understand why Christians are so concerned about consenting adults having sex with each other. Sex is simply not the big deal they make it out to be.

 

It's pretty much known that the most homophic people are themselves gay or bi. I would bet that the pastors and Christians who scream about it the loudest are themselves denying their sexuality.

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Chibiabos, welcome! You write well. Very touching story. I'm glad you had the strength to hang in till you found yourself, and the confidence to say "to hell with religion." It took me many years longer but we're out and that is what counts. Hope you enjoy your stay here.

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Welcome to the boards. Good to hear another testimony and it is proof of how self-destructive religion can be.

 

Accept yourself for who you are. That's something religion forbids. Religion just wants to make us into tools. It is both physically and mentally unhealthy. I still feel like crap every now and then, because of how repressed I've been due to the compressing nature of religious teachings.

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Accept yourself for who you are.

 

That's very hard to do, no matter how rationally you can put it ... there is no escaping the gargantuan peer pressure most of society puts on you to conform to the "proper" world-view and religion. It is something extremely difficult to do without running too far and abandoning all morals and ethics to the point of doing psychopathic things. Its no small wonder to me that this land, repressed by the church, suffers from high levels of mental problems and the tragic resultant levels of murder, rape, suicide, etc. ... we do it to ourselves.

 

I'd be lying if I said I am, or ever have been, fully "emotionally healthy." Major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety plague me, yet I've no means of having them under control in this land of the fee, home of the slave and enforcer of socialized-medicine-o-phobia.

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Accept yourself for who you are.

 

That's very hard to do, no matter how rationally you can put it ... there is no escaping the gargantuan peer pressure most of society puts on you to conform to the "proper" world-view and religion. It is something extremely difficult to do without running too far and abandoning all morals and ethics to the point of doing psychopathic things. Its no small wonder to me that this land, repressed by the church, suffers from high levels of mental problems and the tragic resultant levels of murder, rape, suicide, etc. ... we do it to ourselves.

 

I'd be lying if I said I am, or ever have been, fully "emotionally healthy." Major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety plague me, yet I've no means of having them under control in this land of the fee, home of the slave and enforcer of socialized-medicine-o-phobia.

 

 

Well I can see that you obviously love this country :P *sarcasm*. The one good thing is that things can be changed, you can fight for things in the US...unless you get labeled a terrorist...then your freedom is out the door.

 

Someone else already said this but what you said was very well written and touching. It's horrible what people have to go through just because they love someone whom others have decided that they shouldn't love. It's stupidity. Hope lies in the future and even today, and with the people who have fought for that future and are still willing to fight for it.

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Accept yourself for who you are.

 

That's very hard to do, no matter how rationally you can put it ... there is no escaping the gargantuan peer pressure most of society puts on you to conform to the "proper" world-view and religion. It is something extremely difficult to do without running too far and abandoning all morals and ethics to the point of doing psychopathic things. Its no small wonder to me that this land, repressed by the church, suffers from high levels of mental problems and the tragic resultant levels of murder, rape, suicide, etc. ... we do it to ourselves.

 

I'd be lying if I said I am, or ever have been, fully "emotionally healthy." Major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety plague me, yet I've no means of having them under control in this land of the fee, home of the slave and enforcer of socialized-medicine-o-phobia.

 

Of course it's hard to do. But, leaving religion in the first place means that you're capable of taking control of your life once again. With the thought to accept yourself, you're only beginning. The healing process itself may take up to several years. I've been deeply repressed and pressured while I was a Christian and even before I was a Christian. There's nothing pretty about acting like a person with a split personality disorder. One minute I'm thinking of praising God to the best of my ability, while the other half tries to take control of sanity again. From that experience, I know that not conforming to these religions and instead conforming to my own independent beliefs is going to benefit me and my mental health in the long run, despite opposition from others. I know I don't know you and your situation, but from what I can take, I'm just trying to show encouragement. It's a slow step-by-step process.

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I also am worried about the US, but I think that what we're seeing is more an expression of the government than the people.

 

There has been some very interesting research recently on the attitudes towards people. There are a lot of people that label themselves as conservative, but they are progressive on social issues, such as sexual behavior, health care, etc.

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I was born bisexual. I was aroused by other men as much as women, and by my mid-teens I had a long-lasting relationship with another guy that started as a friendship and blossomed over time.

 

I already considered myself atheist by this time, having giving up on the Christianity my mother tried to expose me to through her Baptist Church she attended ... well ... religiously. I gave up on being Christian years before I was even 12 when she stopped forcing me to go to church with her.

 

And yet, I guess even after that, things stuck with me. Our pastor had given the evils of homosexuality schpiels, and for some reason I retained them in some part of my psyche even as I became aware, more and more, that I was attracted to other guys. By the time I was 16, I considered running away and trying to find a hospital that would castrate me, to purge all of my sexual thoughts. I became depressed worse and worse to the point of considering myself too sick to save and that I would be better off killing myself.

 

I still can't quite explain why, so many years after not considering myself Christian, I stabbed myself so badly with that extremely unnatural dogma that taught me the feelings I had for another guy were, in fact, a sickness. The day I finally learned to accept that love = love, no matter what, dogma be damned ... is the day, for the very first time in my life, I did not feel depressed. I actually felt /good./ Its very difficult for me to express how powerful this was for me, as I had never known real happiness ... when I tried to be a Christian, it was always a feeling of pretending ... I pretended to be Christian, it felt no more real than pretending to be Captain Kirk or a cowboy or Indian. The feeling I had when I finally accepted the love I had in my life as being a good thing, and the fact that it happend to be with someone of the same gender no longer had a negative impact on me.

I am glad you found someone. I am glad that you are no longer a slave to the superstitious ignorance that is Christianity. I am very glad that you are alive. I am sorry that you had to experience all that. I really am. I am glad that part is over now.

 

Its become harder and harder for me to keep myself from lashing back at Christians, though some of the good friends I've had and continue to have are Christian. I know, rationally, its just the extremists that I really can't deal with, but still ... its hard. I hate the lies and the b.s. ... what -is- it with Christians and completely abusing words? Homosexuality exists in nature, yet they label it "unnatural" ... what the heck!? Tallying the Crusades, Inquisition, Conquistadores and World War II (where Adolf Hitler, the product of several Christian teachings of violent hatred of Jews), Christianity has slaughtered more innocent people than all the other religions combined ... yet they describes themselves as being peaceful and loving. The Catholic Church operated for so long raping children, covering up and getting away with it because its the church ... how is that -not- a cult? The tout words like "freedom" ... yet, they only want freedom for Christians and want to snub it for non-Christians. They tout "love" yet practice hatred, glorify peace yet practice war, rail about being persecuted yet they lead in persecuting others ... is there no way to get them to at least stop the lies and deceit?

I think its good that you have kept your friends. There is nothing wrong with love. We don't have to stop loving after having lost faith. Faith is a mind disorder. The symptoms are extreme gullibility, magical thinking, and compartmentalization. We were inculcated into those habits. I was guilty of the same thing when I believed. Given that we are still just mere mankeys even after having lost faith, we still do these things from time to time, however it is much harder for people trapped in a world view of faith to correct these errors. If you all ready have the truth your world view is absolutely true even in the face of evidences that would seem to contradict your beliefs. Faith is extreme narrow mindedness. Obviously it is possible to break free of this kind of mental trap, otherwise there would be no apostates, but different people probably require different experiences to help them break free if they ever will break free. Dependence on the concept of God and the people who you love is a very strong force.

 

I am not so sure that you need to keep trying to change their minds all the time ( if that is what you were considering doing ) as that could hurt your relationship with them. After a while you get a feel for when is a good time to test them. If you never change their minds don't waste any time what so ever blaming them or yourself. You are a good person. You can still love your friends. It is what it is. I am glad that they kept you as a friend. :)

 

I'm 31 now, and each year makes me worried more and more. I've started to give up hope that the U.S. will become truly secular, its gradually drifting away from secularism ... I have strong doubts George Bush's unpopularity won't be enough to regain sanity. I'm now to the point of being ashamed of being "American," finding all of the say one thing and practicing another has been a part of the U.S. from the beginning principles of supposed liberty, freedom and justice for all -- if you were a White Christian man. Its definitely a nation of "some are more equal than others." I find it somewhat amusing that nations that openly describe themselves as "Christian" -- namely Denmark in my case, a place I've been pondering emigrating to "if I ever won the lotto" ... have more freedom, liberty and justice for non-Christians than the U.S. which touts itself as a nation for all.

 

I thought I had purged all my Christian ridiculousisms, but especially the past couple of weeks (I'm now 31), I'm starting to worry some of my traits may still be residuals from the first dozen years of my life when I was brainwashed into believing up was down.

I think religion..and ignorance in general, flares up and settles down through time. As a consolation, at least not all Christians are happy about how things are going here in the States. There are denominations that are for separation of church and state, equality, and dealing with real issues in politics despite the fact that thanks to the mind virus we have the moronic denominations to deal with. If such Christians are fed up then they need to vote as if they are fed up. Things may get better here. Religion is always going to be a pain in the ass but thanks to compartmentalization there will always be liberal and moderate Christians to even things out a bit eventually. It really sucks that there has been a lot of damage done already thanks to dirty politicians and religion.

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Guest Dweezil

There are others (like myself) who share many of the same issues and feelings as yourself, Chibiabos. However, some of us allowed religion to enter too deeply into our lives and proceeded with marriage and having children. You're very lucky to have had the intelligence to know that religion is a load of crap at a much earlier age than I. I'm 42, been married for almost 19 years, and I have a teenaged daughter. Talk about a predicament! I'm not sorry that I have a child...she's amazing. I AM sorry that I misled those who are closest to me, and that I lied to myself for so many years. Now I don't know WHAT the hell to do.

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  • 2 weeks later...
There are others (like myself) who share many of the same issues and feelings as yourself, Chibiabos. However, some of us allowed religion to enter too deeply into our lives and proceeded with marriage and having children. You're very lucky to have had the intelligence to know that religion is a load of crap at a much earlier age than I. I'm 42, been married for almost 19 years, and I have a teenaged daughter. Talk about a predicament! I'm not sorry that I have a child...she's amazing. I AM sorry that I misled those who are closest to me, and that I lied to myself for so many years. Now I don't know WHAT the hell to do.

 

Yeah I know that compared with some, I am lucky, but ... I wish no one had to go through the slightest bit of this. I wish those who called themselves Christian could understand and appreciate the need, righteousness and mutual benefits of tolerance, understanding, and the freedom every person should have to find a path through life that is right for them, so long as they do not harm others.

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I read somewhere that there is clear evidence that non-depressed people distort reality in a self serving direction, while depressive people tend to see reality accurately. I think for us deconverts, this is the root of our depression because we don't see the world through rose colored glasses. We see things as they are. I think for many of us, our greatest needs in our lives are hope and optimism. Unfortunately, they can be rare commodities.

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I read somewhere that there is clear evidence that non-depressed people distort reality in a self serving direction, while depressive people tend to see reality accurately. I think for us deconverts, this is the root of our depression because we don't see the world through rose colored glasses. We see things as they are. I think for many of us, our greatest needs in our lives are hope and optimism. Unfortunately, they can be rare commodities.

 

Devil's advocate here. I tend to build a lot on human experience. In fact, I tend to take the human experience as the baseline by which to know what is real. (Science as observed by humans via technology is human experience in my opinion.) So anyway, I find depression getting lighter the more I dare be myself. There's just nothing been quite like knowing I am on my own and I can run my own life. I belong to this world of nature and people.

 

This has given me hope and lessened my depression. It's not like life is now trouble-free. But there is an under-current of life is livable and even enjoyable at times, a deep basic core that assures me being me is okay. I think that is a basic human right and I hope things get better for you as time passes and you grow and heal from old scars.

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Guest Dweezil

The depression comment is really interesting. I am indeed a depressed person, been on meds forever and a day...counting today. I too like to build on life experiences, and you're right Ruby, learning from these life experiences does indeed lighten the weight of depression. Learning the TRUTH about things, whether the truth is enlightening or disappointing is always a step in the right direction. It defines the world around us as it really is. I would much rather live in the real world than a world that is distorted through rose colored (or any other colored) glasses.

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Meds. I've been on them forever, too. Can't even get to sleep without them. Chibiabos, you are right--nobody should have to go through any of this, not even a little bit. Anybody who can say with integrity that "Christianity nearly killed me" has unquestionably been through horror.

 

There are major portions of my life that are just too horrible to remember. The way I see it, religion compounded a bad situation. Irrepairable damage was done to the basic nervous system or whatever, and so I am glad if there is medication to help live the rest of my life half normal. It would be hoped that a person who has the opportunity to correct his/her life situation earlier in life will suffer fewer permanent scars. Even so, the scars can be lifelong.

 

I don't know how good an analogy this is. I'm comparing the experience of people who were directly impacted by 9/11 with people who lost most family members in war and spent most of their lives in refugee camps. While the 9/11 people may suffer permanent symptoms, that of war refugees is probably incomparably and profoundly on a totally different level.

 

Perhaps the same kind of difference applies to those who got out of an abusive religious situation around age 20 as compared to those who lived with it for twice that length of tiem. Perhaps one measurable difference might be this: The person who left early can say with justified and "righteous" indignation that "Christianity nearly killed me."

 

Compare that with the person who has been so severely traumatized, abused, and brainwashed that they don't even know that they have the right to feel hurt. The fact that they eventually feel strong enough to think about suicide would barely seem a noteworthy statement--death would be too good for them. Like the war refugees, the only people who can identify is other refugees. And most likely they are too seriously damaged to be of any real help and support.

 

Perhaps this is where the "9/11" people come in. They know what trauma is. They know what it means to have life reversed in an instant by an invisible enemy. They know the lingering terror and night-mares, the loss of family and home and all they ever knew. But they had access to professional help and the basics of life. There is medicine to help them cope. I think these people can identify minimally with war refugees in a way the rest of us can't.

 

Might the same apply for those people who were able to leave abusive religion in their late teens or early twenties before taking on the adult responsibilities of marriage and children? (I do not here include those people who were forced into an early marriage because of religious rules on sexual mores.)

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