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Stupid Christian Jokes...


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"Once upon a time there was an atheist. He was sitting on the lake, in his boat, when all of a sudden the lochness monster surfaced and tried to eat him. The atheist cried out, "Oh lord save me!" Then the lord said, "Wait, I thought you didn't believe in me?" To which the atheist replied, "Well, two minutes ago I didn't believe in the lochness monster either..."

 

Okay, uhm, what was the punchline? :Wendywhatever:

 

I had the displeasure of attending his church with my mother last Sunday(she asked me to come with her. It's my mom...couldn't say no)...bleah :shrug: . I think I was the only one in the congregation who didn't laugh. It was just lame. :loser:

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That joke is so fricken horrible.

 

Oh oh oh, I got a joke. Once upon a time there was an easter bunny. He got hit by a car. Jesus died and he is not coming back. The end.

 

"Once upon a time there was an atheist. He was sitting on the lake, in his boat, when all of a sudden the lochness monster surfaced and tried to eat him. The atheist cried out, "Oh lord save me!" Then the lord said, "Wait, I thought you didn't believe in me?" To which the atheist replied, "Well, two minutes ago I didn't believe in the lochness monster either..."

 

 

Okay, uhm, what was the punchline? :Wendywhatever:

 

I had the displeasure of attending his church with my mother last Sunday(she asked me to come with her. It's my mom...couldn't say no)...bleah :shrug: . I think I was the only one in the congregation who didn't laugh. It was just lame. :loser:

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Obviously Osteen doesn't know the first thing about atheists. Just what makes him think an atheist would cry out "lord save me!"???

 

A critical thinker would, I believe, quickly look at his resources and figure out what was the best response. Crying out to be saved is not likely to be it. Not even a xian would be likely to sit there praying when threatened by a crocodile or other lochness monster.

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In case you are not familiar with it, Osteen's "joke" seems to be modeled over a parallel story about a bear. I forget the details but it's something about a christian bear catching a human, then being reminded to gives thanks for his meal before eating the man. The idea is that he has to fold his "hands" at which moment the man would escape. So the bear figures out how to do this without letting the man go.

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Obviously Osteen doesn't know the first thing about atheists. Just what makes him think an atheist would cry out "lord save me!"???

 

A critical thinker would, I believe, quickly look at his resources and figure out what was the best response. Crying out to be saved is not likely to be it. Not even a xian would be likely to sit there praying when threatened by a crocodile or other lochness monster.

 

Precisely.

 

If a mythical creature came out of the water and tried to eat me I would be screaming period. I wouldn't even have the wherewithall to cry out to a fictious God.

 

It's funny how Christians use the "rationale" of, "If there is no god then why do we call out to him when we're in need?" Well, duh, when you have said God indoctrinated into you from birth you'll be apt to invoke him on occasion....

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"Oh Lord save me"? Who talks like this?

 

I could see "God help me", for the sake of the joke, but "Oh Lord"? Lord and Save are a couple of those nice loaded Christian words that remind people that we are all awful pathetic human beings who don't even have an underground railroad to help us escape from the Tyranny of Deity.

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"Once upon a time there was an atheist. He was sitting on the lake, in his boat, when all of a sudden the lochness monster surfaced and tried to eat him. The atheist cried out, "Oh lord save me!" Then the lord said, "Wait, I thought you didn't believe in me?" To which the atheist replied, "Well, two minutes ago I didn't believe in the lochness monster either..."

 

Okay, uhm, what was the punchline?

 

 

AND then the Loch Ness Monster says, "Holy Shit God is real."

 

No, maybe:

 

And then the Loch Monster says, "Shut up old man, I saw him first."

 

Or, or:

 

And then the Loch Ness Monster says, "I'm so sick of Fish Sticks." (Christian symbol is a fish, Jesus was on the cross, so I like to call Christians FISH STICKS from time to time....oh nevermind, whe you have to explain a joke it is not very funny).

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I'm surprised no one caught the irony of this joke yet. Osteen uses a parallel between the imaginary LN monster juxtaposed against the imaginary god to somehow make a dig at atheist's non belief. The joke is on him. :lmao:

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I'm surprised no one caught the irony of this joke yet. Osteen uses a parallel between the imaginary LN monster juxtaposed against the imaginary god to somehow make a dig at atheist's non belief. The joke is on him. :lmao:

Yeah that's what I thought. The dilemna is you either give veracity to the LNM, or call the whole god thing a crackpot theory. It's definitely not a joke a theist should tell, unless he's really open minded and thinks his god doesn't mind the ribbing.

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"Once upon a time there was an atheist. He was sitting on the lake, in his boat, when all of a sudden the lochness monster surfaced and tried to eat him. The atheist cried out, "Oh lord save me!" Then the lord said, "Wait, I thought you didn't believe in me?" To which the atheist replied, "Well, two minutes ago I didn't believe in the lochness monster either..."

 

Okay, uhm, what was the punchline? :Wendywhatever:

 

I had the displeasure of attending his church with my mother last Sunday(she asked me to come with her. It's my mom...couldn't say no)...bleah :shrug: . I think I was the only one in the congregation who didn't laugh. It was just lame. :loser:

 

My sympathy on having to attend Joel's church. In additon to the lame joke, I have seen his TV program and can't get past the stupid grin he continually has plastered on his face. Seems really fake to me. Just curious, does he really look that way all the time? You would think the muscles in his face would give out eventually.

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I attended Joel Osteen's church once -- back in 2005, before they moved to the Basketball arena downtown Houston. I loved my time in Houston and I look back on it fondly. I especially liked visiting the Houston strip clubs -- Treasures, Gold Cup, Men's Club. Wow... I miss it. :( My city of 1 million does not have any strip club.

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I'm surprised no one caught the irony of this joke yet. Osteen uses a parallel between the imaginary LN monster juxtaposed against the imaginary god to somehow make a dig at atheist's non belief. The joke is on him. :lmao:

Yes, exactly. Good observation. I was thinking of making some comment about the atheist shrieking in disbelief, "What's next, the Easter Bunny??!!". It's the same thing, first mythical being one pops in, then mythical being number two.

 

It has the elements of humor, but it fails once he makes it a political thing. It blows up in his face.

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The sad thing is, if you replaced religion in that context with race, or a person with a disability, most people wouldn't laugh because it's not politically correct to (although some stupid people might anyway). Yet it is still considered "okay" by those very same folks to make fun of people who do not believe in ancient fairy tales, simply because it is popular to believe literally in those ancient fairy tales. What a bizarre world this is.

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"Once upon a time there was an atheist. He was sitting on the lake, in his boat, when all of a sudden the lochness monster surfaced and tried to eat him. The atheist cried out, "Oh lord save me!" Then the lord said, "Wait, I thought you didn't believe in me?" To which the atheist replied, "Well, two minutes ago I didn't believe in the lochness monster either..."

 

Okay, uhm, what was the punchline? :Wendywhatever:

 

I had the displeasure of attending his church with my mother last Sunday(she asked me to come with her. It's my mom...couldn't say no)...bleah :shrug: . I think I was the only one in the congregation who didn't laugh. It was just lame. :loser:

 

My sympathy on having to attend Joel's church. In additon to the lame joke, I have seen his TV program and can't get past the stupid grin he continually has plastered on his face. Seems really fake to me. Just curious, does he really look that way all the time? You would think the muscles in his face would give out eventually.

 

I wondered the samething. He reminded me of Jack Nicholson in Batman...That Jack-O-Lantern grin is permanently plastered on his face. Christians have to give the illusion of being joyful in the lord at all times...

And don't get me started on his horrible voice. He sounds like his throat is clogged with something. Joel Osteen is freakish, and he looks like a member of the rodent family. And don't get me started on his wife's hair...She uses, atleast, ten cans of hairspray, per strand.

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Oh oh oh, I got a joke. Once upon a time there was an easter bunny. He got hit by a car. Jesus died and he is not coming back. The end.

 

:lmao:

 

Now that's funny! :HaHa:

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I'm surprised no one caught the irony of this joke yet. Osteen uses a parallel between the imaginary LN monster juxtaposed against the imaginary god to somehow make a dig at atheist's non belief. The joke is on him. lmao_99.gif
Yeah, I got that. I wonder what he'll do when someone points that out to him?
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Christian "jokes" seem to always involve the atheist taking to their imaginary friend.

 

There's the marine who punches the atheist who is yelling for their sky fairy to strike him dead; the infamous bear joke previously mentioned; and so on.

 

I went to a megachurch a week ago Sunday (my friend hosting an exchange student wanted to see one before she went home), and the con artist pastor's schtick was: 'Are you really an atheist? I sweat to God.' The audience just roared. Oh tee hee. Morons.

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I wondered the samething. He reminded me of Jack Nicholson in Batman...That Jack-O-Lantern grin is permanently plastered on his face. Christians have to give the illusion of being joyful in the lord at all times...

And don't get me started on his horrible voice. He sounds like his throat is clogged with something. Joel Osteen is freakish, and he looks like a member of the rodent family. And don't get me started on his wife's hair...She uses, atleast, ten cans of hairspray, per strand.

 

 

Like the Joker, that's good. It is just like that for me. His smile is malevelent and unnatural-looking. Just a weird freak and con man raking in millions. That he can do so is another symptom of our sick society.

 

In addition to stupid Christian jokes we could talk about so much more-- stupid Christian art (in the present day), stupid Christian music, stupid Christian creation "science", it never ends. It is just all so STUPID.

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I've decided maybe I never REALLY was a christian because I've always had a sense of humor. :Doh: REAL christians don't! :loser: They never make me laugh, they only make me want to kill myself! :dead: or them! :die:

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There's a whole Christian comedy movement. It's based around painfully bad elementary-school-level jokes constructed without the slightest offense to the Lord. Very, very "clean". And yes, forced laughter.

 

There's a girl in a class at school who loves her pastor (she's a Lutheran, like I used to be) in a really kind of creepy way. I mean, she thinks he's just the greatest religious motherfucker she's ever known and he's just so hilarious, he's always telling the funniest jokes in his sermons. Um, yeah, I can only imagine (no pun intended).

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They come up with some good jokes once in a while, I can remember laughing at a few during mass back in the day...unfortunately I can no longer remember what they were. There was this one that people posted in one of the on-line Catholic groups I used to talk to. I thought it was funny when I first read it, maybe because they were in a way making fun of themselves. uhh, I'll try to remember it but it was a while ago as well so I'll have to tweek it a little.

============================

 

So this very kind, loving, caring man named John who was a firm believer in God dies and goes to heaven. First he has to stop at the gates to talk to St. Peter just to make sure that everything is fine and he can make it in okay. Right in front of John he saw an old friend so he thought to himself, 'great, my friend and I can go to heaven together.' John approached is old friend Bill and they decided to approach St. Peter at the same time.

 

St. Peter addressed John first and said, "John you have lived an exemplary life and have always showed kindness to others but haven't asked God's forgiveness for all of your sins, in heaven you will get a Ford Mustang to take you around God's kingdom." So John grabs the key and waits for his friend Bill to get his assigned vehicle.

 

St. Peter addresses Bill and says, "Bill, everybody sins and you have done your fair share of it, I cannot give you a vehicle like Johns, you can have a motorized scooter...unfortunately I cannot give you a seat with that." Bill takes his keys and walks away with John.

 

In heaven, both decide to take their vehicles and try to find family members who have died before them. John starts pulling away slowly and gets a fair distance in front of Bill when all of a sudden he hears a large crash. Looking back, John sees that Bill has crashed his scooter into a tree, ruining the scooter, so John puts his car into reverse and stops it in front of Bill.

 

On the ground Bill is rolling around laughing as hard as he can, so John asks him, "Why are you laughing, you just ruined your only vehicle to travel around heaven in?"

 

Bill calms down just long enough to speak and says, "I just saw the Pope go by me in Rollerblades."

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