The Sage Nabooru Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 My parents, brother, and I went out to eat today for lunch as a treat and get-together, and halfway through the meal, I don't know how, but marriage came up. My brother is, IMO, pretty much asexual, and while I have a drive I am 22 and still have absolutely no desire whatsoever to spend the rest of my life with someone else. I never have. Even as a child bridal fantasies of fairy-tale proportions never interested me; my Barbies were always single and successful, unattached women, who kept Ken around for a roll in the hay now and then but otherwise ignored him. I have had, to date, one person that I have dated seriously, and even then I really kind of disliked it. The thought of living with others just makes me grind my teeth. I have to live with my family now and I so fucking hate sharing my space and not being able to control my own surroundings completely. To be honest, I hate the idea of sharing everything or telling someone how my day was every 24 hours. For me, the perfect evening is a single serving of pasta or Pad Thai and some cultural anthropology book to stare at. "Look," my mom said, "You might think you're really happy now, but you know, your father and I, we've been together so long and we really love each other [ha-fucking-ha!], and it's just so nice to know that there's always someone there for you [can I get another ha!]." She didn't stop there. "What about Christmas? What are we supposed to do?" Personally, I don't give a shit if Christmas is destroyed in a flaming fireball and never again breathes its sickening air upon the face of the earth, but she apparently did not agree. "Who are we going to give presents to? Just you? We'll have just you and us to share our lives with. How boring." Well, tough shit, I thought, I know you raised me but I owe you neither son-in-law nor grandkids. And personally I am not at all afraid of being miserable and alone in my old age; personally in my experience singletons are happier (and sharper) in their 80's than the frazzled and pissed-off spouses. Now my father has previously told us that we're never to vacation with him again until we have children (oh, no, we can't vacation with your sorry ass? And I wouldn't have a child around him any more than I'd give a half-Jewish Roma baby to Hitler because I don't want him beating on another kid's ass and besides, he scares the bejesus out of them just looking at them). But I can ignore him because he's an ass anyway. But this is the first time my mother has guilt-tripped us. I am afraid for the future. My cousins are starting to get married and have kids, so it can only get worse, methinks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 That's a strange way to bring up their grudge against you... they're upset they don't have another person to buy presents for? They'll get over it. Tell them you're happy and you're just not wired like them. It may not help, but at least they'll have it for reference when they think about it. My in-laws hate getting stuff for me. They normally hate (and bitch) about gift cards, but that's all I get from them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbobrob Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 What a bizarre way to guilt trip you....giving presents to you has gotten so boring (i.e we don't like buying you the kinds of stuff you are into) we demand you find other people, or produce new people, for us to regain the enjoyment of gift giving. You think they are worried that you will never move out of the house (because they are still stuck in the mindset that women need to be taken care of, even if they hold down a career of their own)? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 "Look," my mom said, "You might think you're really happy now, but you know, your father and I, we've been together so long and we really love each other [ha-fucking-ha!], and it's just so nice to know that there's always someone there for you [can I get another ha!]." She didn't stop there. "What about Christmas? What are we supposed to do?" Personally, I don't give a shit if Christmas is destroyed in a flaming fireball and never again breathes its sickening air upon the face of the earth, but she apparently did not agree. "Who are we going to give presents to? Just you? We'll have just you and us to share our lives with. How boring." Jesus, ok I'm a horrible fat suburbanite, and often reading your post I've thought, wow she'd hate me, but good lord! Who says that?? Who thinks that?? That's just horrible and stupid, sorry. I have three kids, if they get married that's fine, but there are so many reasons to worry if they do, you know, some people are assholes, k, most people are assholes. As for grandkids, yeah babies, and little kids are fun, they are fun to buy for, you can take them to the dollor store tell them they can have anything they want, and their impressed, you're a hero. It's not a reason I'd give my kids to reproduce though. If I never have a grand kid, oh well, as long as it is because that is what they want. I guess I don't get the wanting your kids to get married thing. To me the key to happiness realy is independence. A job you like at least if not love, where you make enough money to support yourself and be able to do things you enjoy. Gads I have heard some lame reasons to get married or have a kid, but to have others to buy presents for??? : shakes head : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sage Nabooru Posted July 16, 2007 Author Share Posted July 16, 2007 I told my mom last night that I didn't appreciate what she said. Of course my mom went into the whole "I did not make a single mistake by saying that" thing, and then she said what really made me angry: "I just want you to think about your future." Oh right, because there's no way a responsible person would CHOOSE to remain single and childfree, right? The only possible conclusion for good people is traditional family life, I guess. It's not like I've ever thought about my future, seeing as I'm just in school for a Ph.D. and all that. "Think about my future"? How dare she suggest that I must be such a little shit without goals or motivation if I don't have some husband or baby in my life. If I expect that lifestyle to insure me against being lonely or unhappy, I need to get some experience walking around in a nursing home and talking to the residents again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twincats Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 I told my mom last night that I didn't appreciate what she said. Of course my mom went into the whole "I did not make a single mistake by saying that" thing, and then she said what really made me angry: "I just want you to think about your future." Oh right, because there's no way a responsible person would CHOOSE to remain single and childfree, right? The only possible conclusion for good people is traditional family life, I guess. It's not like I've ever thought about my future, seeing as I'm just in school for a Ph.D. and all that. "Think about my future"? How dare she suggest that I must be such a little shit without goals or motivation if I don't have some husband or baby in my life. If I expect that lifestyle to insure me against being lonely or unhappy, I need to get some experience walking around in a nursing home and talking to the residents again. *sigh* You'd better get used to it, cuz it never ends. I'm 47 (married but no kids; never wanted 'em) and the merest of acquaintances will always eventually pop up with "Aren't you afraid you'll regret never having kids?" Of course, in years gone by it was always couched in terms of "setlling down" (I didn't get married until I was 41.) People who opt for non traditional lifestyles, whether it's associated with religion or family, will always be anathema to those who choose the status quo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doomguarder Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I am throwing in a mighty “Here, Here” with twincats. It is never ending. I am 36, longtime married and no kids. I am so sick of the questions about why, how will you feel, who will take care of you later BS! Plenty of women have kids, not like it is a fucking race. Anyway, it is never ending because you are defying convention. Some folks can’t stand that much less believe you are happy being different and making your own choices separate from their social standards and approval. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onyx Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I'm not gonna have kids yet I'd like friends and a boyfriend. Why? Cos they're independent. Babies are not. I have my hands full as it is with my disabilities and I want to enjoy my life without anyone depending on me to extend the good times to them. Just having fun with no pressure to marry or have children. I don't need children or marriage to be happy, that's for sure. Sage, I'm with you, I'm going to have fun being free but in my own way. My ideal day is spending on myself, meeting friends, drawing, going out and having a bar of chocolate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbobrob Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I have a kid from a previous marriage. I just got remarried. GUESS WHAT!! My wife and I have been asked repeatedly when are we going to have kids. My wife is trying to (and doing an awsome job at) getting her career off the ground. I am also trying to get a career off the ground. Last thing either of us want, right now, is a rugrat. There will be a time for that later, but I will tell you, not a week goes by that my wife is not the subject of a comment aimed at her need to get pregnant soon, from family, friends, co-workers. Nope, it never ends. (fortunately it is not our parents that are pushing us, but it does not mean we don't feel the pressure). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I am fifty and I am GLAD I did not get married. The culture I come from you don't think "married" without also thinking "kids." If you're physically capable of having kids you're going to have kids in the culture I come from. No man ever wanted to marry me and I am SO GLAD. Being single allowed me to get out of a hopeless situation. Had I been married I would have had to buck the rules against divorce, which is an absolute no-no where I come from. I barely got out with my life as it was. Having the additional barriers of marriage and responsibility of kids would probably have made it impossible. Besides, I hate doing the kind of things mothers have to do--cook and clean, cook and clean, then cook and clean some more. And still the babies are not grown up. My own mother was either pregnant or nursing for the best part of seventeen years straight. Some women get even more of it. She at least knew better than to pressure me and my sisters to get married. A batch of her own sisters never got married and she was really close to these sisters. So she knew that getting married was not the end all be all. I don't know the reason but none of my sisters are married, and only two of my girl cousins (except for those whose parents left the horse and buggy church for modern churches). Sometimes I wonder if perhaps the genes that helped previous generations survive made for a strong woman in my generation--a woman who is too strong to submit to the kind of subservience required of married women in a culture like ours. Possibly the young men just looked at us and instinctively steered clear. I think my parents' marriage was one unbroken power struggle. I think mom won the game. As long as I knew her, she used her poor health (mostly pregnancies, I think; she wouldn't talk openly about her health but she always implied that it was not good) to manipulate the situation. When there was no longer anyone else to care for--all her babies had grown up and both her own and dad's parents had passed away, she went and died herself. Now dad is left asking whether he ever loved her. Yeah right! He would forego anything to make her happy and healthy. Sad news is that it never was enough. So anyway, my sisters and I did not have a submissive mother and our father took nothing lying down. None of us got married. We got the strong character genes from both sides of the family. And Sage, if your mom needs someone for whom to buy gifts, she can always sponsor an orphan through World Vision or some other agency. If she has the means to do so and it makes her happy, she can sponsor ten kids. Some of those will probably have kids so she can have her grandkids after all. They won't have her genes but they will be forever grateful for what she did for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurari Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Hear hear. Thankfully I got myself sterilized at 24, and so far I've had had many more instances where I end up blessing that decision. Never cursed it once yet. I hate taking care of kids. I'm not ageist, kids themselves are fine, but doing all the stuff required in taking care of them sucks. And my parents and pretty much most of my friends who have gotten married have gotten divorced. I don't see marriage as a "union of love," I see it as a business contract. Not one I'd ever accept lightly, I might add. I'm just sick to death of this fairy tale ideal surrounding marriage and children. Neither your spouse nor your children are magic. They are still people you gotta build a relationship with and do all that mundane hard work day to day of building a functioning family with. Not meaning to sap all the nice love stuff out of it, but I think I'd be a little more amicable towards it if I didn't see so many people building up unrealistic hopes about what it means to be a spouse and a parent and then giving up after some half assed attempts at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
necrosmith Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Are you kidding me? You can't come on a vacation with us if you don't have any kids? What the FUCK is that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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