Does It Even Matter?

[Guest Popsicle7]

I lived and breathed Christianity for about six years, but I've been questioning the existence of God for about 18 months now. Until recently, this questioning has been mostly why I felt I was falling away from God and what I could do to fix it. Now, I feel fairly certain that God is nonexistent and living outside the bondage of Christianity has made me feel more free and alive than ever before in my life. At the same time, I feel quite alone.

 

Most of my friends and all of my family members embrace Christianity in one way or another. Knowing that I don't share this with them anymore makes me feel like I have lost a bond with them, and it sucks; they don't even know yet that I have lost this connection with them.

 

In addition, I don't feel like my loved ones try to understand me, nor do they want to. I think that people who used to know me as the on-fire, born-again, jerk must think I am just rebelling, I'm in a phase, I'm just mad at God for the bad things he's allowed into my life, things like that. They either blow me off, or remind me of my eternal sentence if I choose to deny God. I did this myself to other people when I was a Christian; I am incredibly ashamed of my behavior.

 

I want people in my life to know where I stand, so they will stop trying to convince me of their "truth". I'd rather not talk to them at all than to talk religion and have them not listen to me or not try to understand--this makes me feel they don't really care about me but are more concerned about being right. I hate being viewed as some weak, selfish person who is being a brat, denying God because I didn't get my way and I am choosing eternal damnation as a result. I understand why they think the way they do because I did it, too, when I was a Christian, and I regret it deeply.

 

Should I just expect this response from loved ones? Is it even worth talking to them or do I continue to ignore them and forgive their hurtful comments because they don't get it?

 

Thanks for listening to me and letting me vent.

[☆ TexasFreethinker ☆]

What you're going through is common among many of us on this site. My fundamentalist family has known about my atheism for several years now and there's still an uneasy tension whenever religious topics come up.

 

I firmly believe I made the right decision in telling them that I am no longer a christian for a couple of reasons. First, I think it's important to be open and honest about your feelings in any relationship - especially relationships with those you love. I'm not recommending an in-your-face honesty, but one that politely conveys your feelings when the topic arises.

 

Also, I feel that being an "out" atheist can help those who are also questioning their religious beliefs to know that there are others like them. It also counters arguments from the religious right that there aren't very many of us - that this is a christian nation.

 

Good luck - I wish you the best.

[R. S. Martin]

If your family are the once-saved-always-saved kind of Christians they won't beleive that you have deconverted because it's not possible. There's scripture for it. If they're not that kind, they probably think you need to be won back to the fold ASAP lest you get killed in a car accident before you repent and go to hell. I see no way around the religion talk with xian friends and family if they're the fundy type. Some Christians believe it is the holy spirit's job to convert people. They are more accepting (in my experience) and don't try so hard to convert.

[Legion]

Welcome to the forums Popsicle.

 

Personally, I don’t feel the need to announce my apostasy to my family. It’s not a big deal to me. And I suspect that it would only cause them to worry. I don’t see the point of it.

[Guest Popsicle7]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks so much for your responses.

 

I have one friend who has been quite hurtful and I don't think she means to; I believe she thinks she is doing God's will by being all up in my face and not caring how she comes across. I need to tell her about my deconversion else our friendship is not gonna last.

 

I guess I will wait and see about my family. They don't talk about religion much, thankfully. I feel like I am hiding some secret from them, though, and I don't like that.

 

Thanks again. It is indeed good to know the non-theists are many in this world!

[Deva]

I have one friend who has been quite hurtful and I don't think she means to; I believe she thinks she is doing God's will by being all up in my face and not caring how she comes across. I need to tell her about my deconversion else our friendship is not gonna last.

 

 

To me, there can be no hard and fast rule on telling or not telling people where you stand. Only knowing you by what you have written, it seems to me that you may be giving this "friend" too much of the benefit of the doubt. Ask yourself - are true friends "quite hurtful"?

 

Anyway, I feel that not everyone is entitled to know my position on religion. I have told my parents that it is a private matter and I am not going to discuss it with them. This is a personal decision based upon the fact that they have so much invested in their fundie religion, that it would be hurtful to them. Bascially, I don't discuss it.

[angel.white]

I told my father about 2 weeks ago, and I assume he's told my mother (I don't think they keep anything from each other). Shes a good person, but has evil influences at her church, you know, the crazy believers who will probably tell her I'm evil or something. Shes usually got her head on, but every now and then she'll go into the clouds and think about "supernatural evil" type shit, so it wouldn't surprise me if she decided there was a demon in my room or a dark evil over me or some such nonsense. *shrug* I love her though, she does her best, just wish I could reveal certain truths to her.

 

Life has gotten a lot better since I told them, they're extremely devout, and so the xian influence was really starting to bother me. I'd lived with it for about 5 months, but I can see the damage it does to them, and couldn't tell them, it was really burdensome. Plus the invasive nature of jesus everywhere I turn really was starting to get under my skin, it doesn't seem so overt now. I probably wouldn't have told them, but when I decided to go back to school they let me move back in to cut down on costs, and by living with them again, I was subjected to the influences I'd gotten away from and rejected. I was having flashbacks and stuff

I lived and breathed Christianity for about six years, but I've been questioning the existence of God for about 18 months now. Until recently, this questioning has been mostly why I felt I was falling away from God and what I could do to fix it. Now, I feel fairly certain that God is nonexistent and living outside the bondage of Christianity has made me feel more free and alive than ever before in my life. At the same time, I feel quite alone.

 

Most of my friends and all of my family members embrace Christianity in one way or another. Knowing that I don't share this with them anymore makes me feel like I have lost a bond with them, and it sucks; they don't even know yet that I have lost this connection with them.

 

In addition, I don't feel like my loved ones try to understand me, nor do they want to. I think that people who used to know me as the on-fire, born-again, jerk must think I am just rebelling, I'm in a phase, I'm just mad at God for the bad things he's allowed into my life, things like that. They either blow me off, or remind me of my eternal sentence if I choose to deny God. I did this myself to other people when I was a Christian; I am incredibly ashamed of my behavior.

 

I want people in my life to know where I stand, so they will stop trying to convince me of their "truth". I'd rather not talk to them at all than to talk religion and have them not listen to me or not try to understand--this makes me feel they don't really care about me but are more concerned about being right. I hate being viewed as some weak, selfish person who is being a brat, denying God because I didn't get my way and I am choosing eternal damnation as a result. I understand why they think the way they do because I did it, too, when I was a Christian, and I regret it deeply.

 

Should I just expect this response from loved ones? Is it even worth talking to them or do I continue to ignore them and forgive their hurtful comments because they don't get it?

 

Thanks for listening to me and letting me vent.

[/quoteI think you should do what you personally want. If you want to retain the bond that it has given you to your family, fake xianity, and enjoy your time with them. If you don't think you can do that (I couldn't) then tell them, and hope they love you enough to accept you for who you are. Its okay to take selfish considerations into account, because you have to live with yourself every night. However, its probably wise to consider their feelings as well, as I said I tried to keep it quiet for about 5 months, I didn't want to hurt my parents, I didn't want them crying that their son was going to hell. But as much as I love them, I was torturing myself by keeping quiet, and so in the end, I still love them and try to get along, but telling them was something that I felt had to be done.

[angel.white]

Um, messed up that quote :/ and I have no edit button. sry.

[Deva]

Angel.white: I read your post with much interest and sympathy. I am older than you, and my circumstances are different. My fundie parents live 1,200 miles away. If I were forced by circumstances to have to live with them, it would be a problem. Everywhere in the house over there are Bibles, verses from the Bible on plaques, etc., you get the picture. I can say it would eventually be a problem for me having to live with it in my face all the time. They also have the FOX news and Rush Limbaugh on 24-7 and are conservative Republicans with all that propaganda. I really can't stand it.

 

I am sure my parents know I am "unsaved." They know I once attended a Unitarian Church. But since I don't live near them, I don't need to deal with it too often. It is tough. I know they believe I am going to hell, and all that I have accomplished in my life as an independent adult is a wasted life. That must be how they view it, so I am sure they pray for me. My father is a deacon. I can just imagine the guilt trip their church puts them on for having unsaved family members. I know I cannot have a truly honest relationship with them because of this religion thing in the way. To give them credit, they have probably restrained themselves a great deal. I have never had an argument with them about religion.

 

I would never pretend that I am a Christian. I just would not go that far, but I really love my parents and don't want to tell them the complete truth. They would never accept that I do not believe in their god and I don't want to state it outright to them because I think it would hurt them. That is my position. There can be no hard and fast rule.

[angel.white]

Thanks, pat. Yeah, it can be difficult, but they have good hearts. They have their own issues with their families, and I think that its very important to them that no matter what, we still love eachother. So, I try pretty hard to keep quiet when I should, and to let them live their lives. I don't smoke around them, I rarely voice my opinions unless its something that can be voiced separate from religion.

 

They do have xian propaganda EVERYWHERE though, xian music, xian books, xian trinkets, little xian messages cut out of newspapers or written on note cards and taped to cupboards, all their friends are xian, their thought process is completely xian so everything they say do and think goes through a xian filter and has a xian message at its heart. I was tempted to post bible verses on our calendar that contradicted its xian message, but it seemed petty and I restrained In the end, I guess I'm living in their house, and eating their food, so it's my responsibility to be respectful and try not to break the harmony. When it really starts to rattle my head, I go start fights w/ xians on forums (fun for the first few days, then it just becomes monotonous and annoying)

 

I will admit, when I told my father, I did include a small amount of judgement, whenever they feel good about themselves they go find some xian book or seminar to attend that tells them how bad they are. Their need to feel bad all the time was the biggest thorn in my side. About a month ago (before I told him) my father called me up at 10:30, he'd been reading some book by some xian hack that said all fathers alienate their sons or something, and he didn't know what he'd done, but he was sure he'd done something, and wanted to apologize to me for whatever it was. I told him the book was unhealthy and he was a great father, but things like that really rip at my soul (yeah, I know, I don't have a soul, just don't know how else to say that).

 

But, I'll get through it, just gotta keep my focus and get through school. Eye to the future

 

Oh, and since this is post 25, I'll go fix that last post now.

 

edit: Apparently the edit button doesn't come up on old posts :/

[Deva]

Thanks, pat. Yeah, it can be difficult, but they have good hearts. They have their own issues with their families, and I think that its very important to them that no matter what, we still love eachother. So, I try pretty hard to keep quiet when I should, and to let them live their lives. I don't smoke around them, I rarely voice my opinions unless its something that can be voiced separate from religion.

 

But, I'll get through it, just gotta keep my focus and get through school. Eye to the future

 

 

I think this is a wise approach. Though it may be very difficult at times, always try to see past all the religious stuff to the ways they have supported you and the love you have for them. When I am at my parent's house, I keep my opinions on religion to myself for this reason. They do have the right to live their lives and keep their home in the way they see fit. If they say things that are judgmental, I try to be above that myself. If their comments are not directly about me, I keep my mouth shut. Their minds are completely taken over by their religious dogma and its a fact that they are really almost incapable of thinking for themselves after all these years.

 

It is particularly difficult to think that the church lays a guilt trip on them and they buy it. That does make me mad, but I know they have to work it out for themselves, just like I worked it out for myself to free myself from the Christian dogma. They wonder what they did wrong that their daughter did not turn out to be a Christian, and actually, so far as I know, neither of my brothers attend church either.

 

It does help to write to others who understand what you have been through and are dealing with. Sometimes it is hard to find people in everyday life who do understand. That is why this forum is valuable. As you say, look to the future.

[angel.white]

It does help to write to others who understand what you have been through and are dealing with. Sometimes it is hard to find people in everyday life who do understand. That is why this forum is valuable. As you say, look to the future.

Awww, I <3 you too!!

[bluewizard]

I told my family after they found out by hacking into some of my IM's, it was a big problem because I had bene interested in LaVeyan Satanism at the time and they thought I was worshipping Satan no matter how many times I told them I didn't believe in Satan or God. My Dad didnt even think I was an atheist until I told him I was last year and he was surprised as he tohught I wa sjus thaving doubts when I've been one since I was 16. I still live wit hmy parents since I'm still in colleg ein this area and yeah, they still make me go to church, but I only gotta put up with going every Sunday for the next couple years, then I really want to move far off from them so they cna't control my life anymore and I cna do thing son my own because going to chruch when you dont belive is a waste of time and I hate it.

[angel.white]

I still live wit hmy parents since I'm still in colleg ein this area and yeah, they still make me go to church, but I only gotta put up with going every Sunday for the next couple years, then I really want to move far off from them so they cna't control my life anymore and I cna do thing son my own because going to chruch when you dont belive is a waste of time and I hate it.

It sucks they're trying to force their religion on you, but if you compare going to church every sunday to having to get a job to pay for food and rent, I'd take the church. Its hard to see things from their POV, since they're oppressing you, but they think what they're doing is right, and if its just asking you to go to church, and ignorantly hoping you'll "see the light" well, its not really that bad.

 

Do what makes you happy, but remember that they do love you (or seem to, if they didn't they'd just kick you out, you are an adult afterall, they arent obligated to let you stay with them), I just think it would be sad to ostracize them for their efforts ...but thats only my opinion

[Guest Popsicle7]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I told my one friend about my deconversion (the one who told me that if I don't have faith, I have nothing). She never apologized, excused her words, then went on about how sad she is (and how sad God must be. Guilt trip, anyone?) and how she can't understand how I can deny Christ and God's free gift of salvation. Whatever. I'm not even responding.

 

I won't tell my family since they live far away and they rarely talk about religion. No need to freak them out!

 

I am happier than I can ever remember, after giving up on Christianity. How ironic, since I "joined" that cult years ago to find happiness. LOL!

 

Thanks everyone, and take care!

[angel.white]

I am happier than I can ever remember, after giving up on Christianity. How ironic, since I "joined" that cult years ago to find happiness. LOL!

Lol, I too found that happiness came when I finally abandoned god.

[Guest Tree of Life]

Awww...now I feel a little guilty. When I had decided that I wasn't a Christian anymore, I was content to just keep it to myself. But my mother's incessant talking about God and what I need to do caused me to just flat out tell her that I didn't buy the whole Jesus thing. I'm glad that I did, because I think everyone has a right to not be infringed upon. Especially when you're telling me that God will not bless me for such and such a reason and that I better be careful not to step outside of God's grace. She still talks about God and everything in life has to be related to some Biblical story/principle in order for her to fully contextualize new information, but as long as she is not imposing any ideals on me, she can talk about whatever is important to her. It doesn't bother me to hear her talk about what she read in the Bible. I engage her in conversation and relay my interest or fascination or we just talk about it's importance. But, I don't relate from the same framework as she does (although I don't think she even notices). And for the most part, she leaves me alone and that is all I want.

 

You don't want your parents to give up what is important to them. You will be robbing them of a lifetime of "purpose" in their eyes. My mother in law even told me the following: "Even if God isn't real, I don't want to know because I don't want to know that I've wasted 50 years of my life." Sad, but true. It's sometimes deeper than religion---self-esteem and all kinds of other issues are wrapped up in their religion. Just support them and you deserve the same support. But try to maintain peace, because that is always what is most important. Relationships far outweigh religious dogma. I had to learn that the hard way. And I'm still learning.