How Do You Tell Your Spouse?

[Scott_In_Michigan]

Well, I have to say that this website and forum are a VERY wonderful discovery for me. I just stumbled upon it earlier today while trying to look for advice on how to break the news of deconversion (never heard that term until I started reading this forum...it's so appropriate) to your spouse. I've read a number of threads but still feel a need to post and hope that anyone might have some helpful input on my situation.

 

So, where do I begin. I guess some background is necessary first.

 

I grew up in a Christian home, though my parents weren't very active in pushing anything on me. I came to discover the idea of a personal relationship with Christ on my own. That was about 13 years ago during my senior year of high school at a weekend retreat. Since then I've participated in all sorts of retreats, church activities, volunteered a big time local Christian music festival, etc. Almost all of my immediate and extended family are Christians. Last October I married a woman who is a Christian and who has parents and siblings who are mostly Christian Baptists. We have no children, agreeing not to prior to the wedding, and I wound up getting a vascectomy (which is okay, because I've never wanted children). Luckily my wife doesn't adhere to most of the outrageous Baptist beliefs. When we first got married we were going to church every week, but prior to that I didn't go very much after having become frustrated with seeing my home church go through some internal conflicts a couple years ago. A few months ago more conflict took place, and then a short time later the pastor wound up taking a position on the east coast. So my wife and I have stopped going to church. However recently she's been suggesting that we start looking for a new one.

 

My personal journey away from Christianity began about 4 or 5 months ago. Even before that I had doubts about things such as the assembly of the Bible, how children who are born into the religion don't really have much choice in the matter (which, as I have been reading in posts on here, is the cause of a lot of pain later in life), the fact that many other religions (mostly old/ancient ones) have a staggering amount in common with Christianity, and other things like that. But I never put much effort nor thought into digging deeper. Well that began to change 4 or 5 months ago when I started reading some forums that involve conspiracy theory, paranormal, etc. Don't worry, I'm not here to say anything about new age or things like that...I just have a certain interest in reading about things you might see on the X-Files! Anyway, back on topic... It was while reading those forums that I began to see just how mislead I had been by Christianity. Jumping a head to a few weeks ago, I was directed towards something on the internet that put a lot of what I had been reading into a nice little package that was easy to understand and pretty much clinched what I had begun to feel was the truth about the religion. That's when I started wondering what I should do in terms of telling my wife.

 

At first I didn't think it would be a good idea, and that thought was sort of reinforced when she told me that the roommate she had before we were married (they still keep in touch) was as good as divorced since her husband of about a year had told her that he felt that Christianity is a cult, that she shouldn't speak to her pastor anymore, and stuff like that. He's always been very controlling since they were married, and became even more so after he told her these things. Then my wife was telling me about how this guy is probably demon-possessed and that it was just a bad situation. There's more to that situation, but the point is pretty clear. So when that went down I felt that telling my wife what I was going through may not be wise. It's been a while now since then, and I have been feeling the stress and burden of keeping my deconversion bottled up is starting to take a toll. I have unintentionally become somewhat distant with my wife, and I just get this very negative attitude (though I don't say anything) whenever church or prayer or anything related to Christianity comes up. I'm getting tired of hearing her ask me if everything is okay and telling her that it is, when in fact there's this conflict going on inside me.

 

While my marriage is not what I had foreseen, it certainly is not bad. My wife is almost a duplicate of myself when it comes to personality, though she is less likely to keep something bottled up than I am. We never fight. In fact since we met we have never had one fight. Crazy! But when I think about telling her about my deconversion I get so stressed and worried. I really don't want to hurt her, but at what cost do I continue to shield her from this whole thing? A couple weeks ago I told myself that, when the time came to bring up the subject with her, I would rather wind up alone and at peace than stuck in a marriage with a huge wedge between us, where her family is constantly wondering what is wrong with me, and where her friends (did I mention that her best friends, which she's known for like 20 years, are a pastor/wife couple?) are trying to convince me that I am wrong? Maybe I am assuming the worst, but after seeing what has happened with her friend/husband, it's hard not to. The idea of being single again does not scare me. I was single and lived alone for almost 30 years, and to this day I struggle with living with someone else. But I don't want this admission to my wife to turn into a means for divorce. She's a great woman who has the same flaws as me, so we get along great. But Christianity is very important to her, and I have this gut feeling that when she finds out that I'm not a Christian, it's not going to be pleasant.

 

Can anyone relate to any of this? Any advice on how to bring things to light with her? And if things start getting bad, any tips on how to deal with that?

[pandora]

I'm lucky in that my husband is an ex-christian too. I didn't try to convince him, he was already on the path to deconversion anyway.

 

There are a lot of people on this site who have dealt with similar situations as yours... I'm sure they come along soon. Welcome to the site! You'll find a lot of supportive people here.

 

I like reading about X-Files stuff too... but I don't believe for a second that any of it is true. It's just really entertaining.

[BlueGiant]

First piece of advice that would cross my mind is that yes you should be honest with her, though telling her at a relatively low-stress time may be a good idea. Second would be to make it clear that you have no desire to interfere with her faith (from the context of your post, I'll assume this is true) but that you have figured out that Christianity as a system doesn't work for you.

 

Other than that all I can really do is wish you luck.

[Legion]

Welcome to the forums Scott. I think BlueGiant has offered some sound advice here...

 

First piece of advice that would cross my mind is that yes you should be honest with her, though telling her at a relatively low-stress time may be a good idea. Second would be to make it clear that you have no desire to interfere with her faith (from the context of your post, I'll assume this is true) but that you have figured out that Christianity as a system doesn't work for you.

[BobbyCole]

Eventually you have to tell her the truth. I don't know what your threshold is with living with this problem. If she is an understanding human being, she should accept this truth in your life, although she might be upset. If she gives you a hard time, then you might be in for a battle. I hope that'a not the case cause it's not worth the problems you could be facing.

I have a female friend..who is a catholic, non practicing like a good majority of them but goes to Born again Black Baptists Churches once or twice a month. She goes because she says these people have more life in them and likes the music which is upbeat and all the vocal singing. She says the catholic mass is too boring for her. Her husband is a devout atheist. They don't interfer with each others personal lives concerning this issue. Don't wait too long. The sooner you get it out of your system, the better you'll feel.

 

Bobby

[4truth]

This is a subject near and dear to my heart. My deconversion was 3 months ago and I wish I had told my husband very differently. My husband and I were having a conversation about doubts when I suddenly realized that there was not one part of our church's doctrine that I believed. It was such a lightbulb moment that I just blurted out that I no longer believed Christianity. In the past when we had discussed the issue he had expressed some doubts as well, but once I expressed my disbelief, he suddenly clung on to his faith like a drowning man. The whole thing has been very threatening to him.

 

Our marriage is doing better after some time and a few good discussions. However, if I had it to do over again, I wish I'd taken it more slowly. I think if I had occasionally and cautiously started discussing different issues and the problems I saw in them, he would have come out with me. There's still hope; he is starting to admit there are some problems in Christianity.

 

You know your wife better than anyone. How do you think she will best take your news? From your description it sounds like she isn't one to let the church dictate what she thinks. Would she be open to reading some of the things you're finding on the internet? As far as the situation with your wife's friend's marriage, it sounds like there are whole lot of other problems besides a difference in beliefs. I seriously doubt that you would come across as a controlling jerk to your wife when you tell her your thoughts. I do think that in a good marriage you are open and honest with one another even when that is difficult. This is too big of a deal to keep to yourself. Good luck!

[Scott_In_Michigan]

Thanks for the responses! I really appreciate it.

 

As was mentioned, I am not controlling at all. In fact the only bit of control, as I feel it might be perceived, is when I ask her when she'll be home from work and where she'll be working each day. Her job requires her to be at a variety of locations around here, and it's nice to know what's going on. But really it's just me wanting to know what the scoop is even though I sometimes feel like she might think I am nosey. I know she's not paranoid enough to feel that way, so I guess it's just me being a worrier. LOL

 

Bluegiant you are right on. I have no desire to interfere with her choice of religion or faith. And it is that very fact that makes me worry about her reaction because I feel that that respect for her faith should be reciprocated. However, due to the nature of her upbringing, her family, the way we met, and my own past in Christianity, my gut tells me that I'm going to be questioned frequently about why I am doing this. If it isn't from her, I'm sure her family and friends (especially the pastor and his wife) will wonder what happened, and if I've changed my mind. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but after seeing how my wife's friend's situation has been treated, I think I'm probably right.

 

Another thing that concerns me is what I am going to say when she (and others) ask what I believe now and why. I have no idea what has brought all of you to your current state of spirituality, but I do still believe that there is a supreme being out there. I lean more towards the idea of that being taking the form of an intelligent creator who no longer seems very interested in the matters of us humans. My view of Christianity is that it is nothing more than worship of the sun, which I came to believe after reading up on the history of Christianity and the parallels it has with other, older religions. I am still not sure what to make of Jesus Christ though as far as whether or not he actually existed. So, getting back to my point, I don't want to insult my wife and her family and friends by telling them I think they're worshipping the sun. But at the same time, if they ask, I don't know what else to say. I'd like to have something figured out ahead of time so I'm not caught with my pants down and possibly appear to be putting on an act or something rediculous like that. Ugh...this is such a hard thing.

 

I do have another question. For those of you with Christian spouses, what is your feeling about them tithing or giving an offering during church service? I know I said that I don't have any desire to interfere with my wife's faith. But I do have a hard time with the idea of giving money to a church. I guess it could be argued that the wife is using her money, but still... I guess it's probably best to let her do what makes her comfortable spiritually after she is aware of my deconversion.

 

Thanks again everyone. I am very glad I found this forum. Very glad! It's actually surprising how difficult it has been for me to find any type of website for ex-Christians who are dealing with this type of situation. It seems like it would be more common.

[Dhampir]

I find it odd that a christian would want to not have children yet be married, much less two. If something like that, which flies in the face of every christian denomination and tradition I'm aware of, is acceptable not only to your wife but also to her friends and family, it would seem that they are a little more liberal, or at least more accepting than you might think.

 

At any rate, you don't want to be caught not being able to defend your position, so I would learn as much as I could about those things most pertinent to my deconversion were I you. No need to be a theology major right now, but being able to sum up your stance will take you far.

[GraphicsGuy]

Hi Scott,

 

Well, you sound very much like me in a lot of ways. If you want part of my story and the absolute worst situation possible, go here:

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?showtopic=17948

 

Your marriage does sound in better shape than mine ever was so I think there is a strong possibility that it could survive this bump in the road. That, however, does depend on how your wife takes the news and on how gently you break it to her.

 

My suggestion is, next time she asks, "What's wrong?" that you basically say something along the lines of, "I'm not happy with being a Chistian even though Christianity promises that I should have the joy of the Lord. I guess I'm not certain what I believe anymore."

 

Okay, don't necessarily use those exact words, place in what/how you feel - what I wrote would be my sentiment if I could have the conversation over again. The important part is to not blantantly say, "I don't believe anymore." It's too much of an absolute for someone to handle right away especially if your beliefs affect their opinion of you (which shouldn't be the case, but it's common).

 

Everybody is different and how your situation turns out will really depend on the maturity level of your wife. If she is able to feel secure in and of herself regardless of your beliefs, good for her! If not...well...you may have to hit the highway, dude.

[BobbyCole]

Hey Scott, you sound like you might fall into the belief of Deism, which I feel I am. I am an ex catholic and left almost 30 years now. I have searched and studied so many beliefs over the last 30 years. It doesn't take anything more than common sense to see that something, some being, some force had a hand in creating this life form which we are a part of. I personally don't believe any book written by any of the so called religions. Not that there's some good in it somewhere, but it doesn's matter and it's not important.

Religious people are scared to think that what they have believed in their whole life might be false. They don't want to believe it might not be true and they reinforce their belief by talking themselves into these blind promises. They so much want to go to heaven and have purchased their tickets way in advance.

Read link I will attach and see if you fall into this category. It made me open my eyes. To me, it makes so much sense, although I can't assume you will say the same. Let me know what you think..

Bobby

http://www.positivedeism.com/A_Deist_Epistle.pdf

[Scott_In_Michigan]

Dhampir, you make an interesting point. Actually the mutual desire to not have children was one of the major points we had in common that made us feel that "God had brought us together for a reason". However, we never told many people, and those we told were quick to tell us to keep an open mind about it. No one was told that I got a vasectomy though, and now when we're asked if we'll have any kids, we just tell people that it'll happen if it is God's will. I'm not sure what I'd tell people now though.

 

graphicsguy, I read your story before I wrote my original message. I'm really sorry to hear what has happened to you. I do hope that the situation improves soon. Thanks for the advice too. I'm still not sure how to breach the whole subject with my wife. I have a feeling it may end up being something straightforward though.

 

BobbyCole, a couple weeks ago I did a bit of reading about the various positions that are taken regarding God and spirituality. While I only spent a short time looking for information, I did see some stuff about Deism and felt that it sounded pretty close to how I feel now. So far I've read only a few pages of that document you linked to, and it seems to be reinforcing things for me as well. Thanks for sharing that. The only thing I still feel torn on is prayer. Perhaps it's just me clinging to something that has been ingrained in me for my entire life. But I feel strange, for lack of a better term, not praying anymore, or at least not praying to a god. I do have some other thoughts on prayer, and how they may be more of a psychological/mental thing than a spiritual thing. But I believe that that is something I'll need to come to terms with over time.

[Bongo]

Hey, I too should be in the running for worst situation, along with graphicsguy.

 

Deconverted years ago. Still havent' told wife. Great deal of stress. I too, hate it when she asks if everything is ok, and I have to lie to her face and say "yes".

 

If it werent for the kids, I'd tell her. But I dont want to lose them, or the house, or pay alimony for that matter.

 

However, at times I think that to be free of the deception may be better than carrying it on. I dont want to lose the kids, but a case could be made that they'd be better off by not living in a dysfunctional house.

 

The longer I wait, the closer the kids are to moving out anyway, so I just wait.

 

No matter what I do, I'm covered in shit. Perhaps I need a savior to clean me up... /sarc

[Scott_In_Michigan]

Well...I told my wife this morning. It was easily the hardest thing I've ever done. I cannot stand confrontation or conflict of any kind. I guess you could say I'm a pacifist. So having to tell my wife proved to be very painful for both of us. It happened about 3 hours ago. After I told her we just laid on our bed crying and didn't really talk at all. She's going to spend the next couple days with her family, so I hope I can recover some while I have time alone. I don't know what will go on with her.

 

All that keeps coming to mind is that it seems rather ridiculous that this has to be such a hurtful process. I mean, all have done is told her my new view on religion and spirituality. Why does it have to be so painful? It's like we both feel like there is something wrong with me, when in fact it's a matter of me deciding to think for myself instead of believing in a myth. Right now I am so welled up with emotion and sad and pained for having to hurt my wife. But why is it like this? Why is there such a huge burden and penalty for seeking the truth and revealing new beliefs to a loved one?

 

This sucks. I'm glad it's off of my chest though. Last night I was up late reading more about much of why I have become an ex-christian and wound up falling asleep on the couch because I was so upset, filled with anxiety, and emotional that I couldn't bring myself to go to bed. This morning it all boiled over. I was tired of being stressed out every day over the whole thing. It needed to come out. I wonder what lies ahead now.

 

Thanks for reading...

[GraphicsGuy]

Hey Scott,

 

Dude, I'm sorry, but I know EXACTLY what you mean and EXACTLY how you feel. The emotions you've described are EXACTLY what I went through myself. Now, I'm going to say something that may be offensive, but I want you to weigh the fact of it.

 

The truth is, your wife is immature when it comes to relationships. Mine was the same way, but I didn't see it that way until someone actually pointed it out and said the word "immature" to me. It is very immature and naive to think that a husband and wife HAVE to believe the exact same things in order to be happy.

 

The problem comes when we have to give immature people information that will force them to grow up. It's kind of like watching your kids deal with the pressures and hardships of life. It was like when I told my little girl that daddy wasn't coming home. This difference is that even my little girl assimiliated the idea and stood toe-to-toe with it really quickly even though she's only 5. My heart-wrenching, devastating experience turned into a heart-soaring experience in one short hour.

 

So, this experience is a test of your wife's maturing capability. Perhaps her family will actually talk to her and tell her that for marriages to work huge concessions have to be made. Love takes WORK and a lot of acceptance and understanding.

 

What you did took huge effort and I applaud you. Yes, you hurt someone you love and because YOU hurt as well it proves your love for her too. I only hope that she comes to that realization as well. If not...well...let's not go there yet.

 

I know it's hard man, but no matter what things are going to get better from here on.

[Scott_In_Michigan]

Thanks for the encouragement Graphicsguy. I don't know if she's immature, but I definitely understand your point. She never acted offended in any way. It was more a reaction of being shocked and hurt than anything else. However, she may be offended but didn't say it. Time will probably tell.

 

I am not sure what her family will do, assuming she opens up with them about it. I have a hard time believing that she'll be able to act normal given how it happened this morning and she'll be with them this afternoon. And knowing them like I do, I'm willing to bet that there's going to be a lot of assumptions made by them that there is something wrong with me, that I am wrong, and that they need to pray for me. I'm fine with the praying part, and respect the fact that they have their own spiritual needs and actions that will help them to deal with the situation. The thing that I find hurtful is having someone think there is something wrong with me. How can questioning a belief set that I was born into and raise in be wrong? Her family is pretty devout, and most of them adhere to their Baptist ways. That's why I am worried. In no way do I think they'll tell her to leave me. But I wouldn't be surprised if she's encouraged to question me and try to change my mind. I hate thinking worst case scenario, but it's what my gut is telling me. And I have to say right now, that if I am constantly bombarded with people telling me that I need christ, well I won't accept that.

 

Man this sucks. I thought I would feel relieved, and I suppose I do, but I didn't expect to be in so much pain.

[Grandpa Harley]

From personal experience.

 

1) Never tell someone 'bad news' while they're in bed or naked.

 

2) Never tell someone 'bad news' while drinking.

[Scott_In_Michigan]

Grandpa, you made me laugh. Thanks for that.

 

Actually I was laying in bed when it happened. She had been up for a while and came it to see if I was going to get up.

 

(I wasn't naked either.)

[Scott_In_Michigan]

Oh...we weren't drinking either. Neither of us drink.