Guest Jerry87 Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Hi everybody Excuse me if i will wrong some words, verbs or phrases,but i need to testify my story of conversion/deconversion from Xianity. I was for 20 years an atheist, lived in a catholic country as Italy, i formed myself by studing many stuff about science, philosophy, art, biology,psychology and everything concerning about the Human history, culture, universe evolution.But psychologically i was ever a very strange boy...restless, irascible with my family, weak physically and aggressive ideologically.I tried in every way to be an open-minded guy who can understand and realizing what it's growing around him, and how he's growing into it.The wolrd (and the universe)was my unique interest...in ANY its aspect...But fundamentally i was ever a good boy, who cried and was touched by seeing the suffering in the world (in any its level) or seeing the wonder of the nature...the born of life...the Glory of the Universe.I could seemed poetic (lol) but..an omnipresent sense of dissatisfaction gave by few relationships with the people (specially whit the girls),was catalyzed by my sense of self-distrust and many others feelings...But i never accepted God in my life, thinking that was a "looser for" matter...But i NEVER studied religions in details, just ignore them.Until i knew an a Evangelical Pentecostal girl, which for her behavior, temperament, sweetness, moral and physical beauty, touched me until made me falling in love. Initially i was very depressed, i had no chance to make me appreciate from her, i was an evil,ugly(even bodily),disbeliever atheist.She never could loved me as a boyfriend, even though my love was awfully true and deep.I hadn't even sexual attraction for her(although she was a beauty girl), cause i felt a very deep sentiment for this girl(maybe too platonic).More time passed, more i depressed myself...Until this feeling made me understood which something (inside me)has gonna change...I started to fell myself more "spiritual", i was in love, and everything appeared to me as wonderful.But that girl never had to consider me as a potential and serious boyfriend.So i started to talk with her, with her friends, understanding what she wished for a potential "husband".A man with a very solid faith.But i was atheist...never could change my ideas about religion...just GOD could...And so was...maybe (LOL)...I talked to her showing an interest for that spiritual truth, basing on that new feelings i felt. She started to talk me about Jesus, and his great power and love...Morrow she brought me a Bible.I NEVER read one before and, thanks to my ignorance, psychologic weakness of that period, i started to read it with subliminally hope or just (as i though) guided by "holy spirit".Reading the story and the life of Jesus, the miracles, the mercy, the promise of eternal life, the help in any period and trouble of my life, the splendid comfort he gave to his believer,i started to touching, crying alone in my room, and felt myself reborn, good, light, lucky to have found that new way to live...And the step was short...every talked about miracle, a proud conversion as proof of God!My friend was happy to see me so zealous, my friend though i was crazy, but i considered them as Satan-blinded and started to scream my conversion to show the power of God.I believed that was the baptism in Holy Spirit, and all i needed was to find a community.I found an evangelic one near my house (unexpected for a chatolic region like mine) believing it was another sign of God.I started to conceive every events in the reality (even the more insignificant) as wanted by God.So i refused every my knowledge about science and psychology and started the war against the "enemy".As the church told me, the devil started to try entice me with temptations, and in the name of Jesus i won every those...or i believe so...Anyway, i started to accept the brainwash subliminally, just ravished by the Jesus/God glory... Many events,unfortunately even tragic as the death of the father of this my evangelical friend,convinced me ever more strongest which god had some plan for us. Till, in the ending of school, i decided to declare completely myself and my sentiments...understanding which although everything happened, she doesn't loved me...So i realized which something gone wrong...maybe god had not that plan i guessed...but at that moment i could not reject Jesus...i was still suffering the brainwash...Passed few time, and a depression started to get me, panic attack, prayers of mercy, of clarification, i started to suffer of brain attack, pain and panic.Collapsing the foundamental structure of my faith (the love and hope for this girl) started to collapse the entire my faith...and the oblivious mental problem i started to feel, convinced me to revalue the entire experience.So after leaving the community, my dear nutted-ignorant friends, i had to face up their attempts to put me again in the right way, being called as Satan-Blinded as i thought time before about my "misbeliever" friends...I started painfully to reestablish my natural atheist mental structure by reading critical biblical analysis, by restarting to thinking by myself, by philosophize many ideas, by reading book about evolution, science, psychology....i was resuming MY LIFE. But the constant idea of the "Enemy", the "Devil" which i believed, who can deceive me with that apparent happiness started to drill my brain.It had no sense!Was logic!But the damned idea of the human mind controlled by an entity was for me shocking!!Every those passage in the bible talking about the "lie" and the temptations, remained in my head.Every time i read something against Xianity i remembered that idea of deceiving...Reject Xianity was too easy and liberating to be true...Was a Virus...as you all converge with me about the system of the faith...and as Dawkins say: Faith is a Virus. Now i feel myself more quiet and balanced, i know deeply the fundamentalism religious and religions in general, i keep the distance by its destructive essence masked for a splendid and eternal grace.Now i live for science and knowledge, i don't hate Xistian but i hate the trash-ideology of religion itself.I'm more opened-minded than before, even if i feel a little bit dispirited about the situation of the majority of believers in the world.You know the situation in USA is very impressive and the Xians fundamentalist cells in all countries, talk about American as a "waked up" nation...But i dubt George Bush is a "waked up" person...And who exist behind him, and who support him.Religion can be a spiritual way of life, where find personal answers...Even if i dubt that answers can be very satisfactory, i believe someone live with a healthy and innocuous way of intend Xianity.Finding this site, i found a point of light in this superstitious world, i'm very touched by reading more testimonies, reviving the splendid fooling-joke of this religion.As every fable, it end in a nice way, but unfortunately the price for this ending was expensive...But maybe it's only a Satan's lie right?Waiting to burn in hell, i tell on each of you ex christians, I LOVE YOU IN THE NAME OF RATIONALITY!!! Sorry me again for my horrible english, but i really felt myself to recount my story hoping it can help someone who suffered as me(us). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Welcome to the site! I understood your post just fine.... though it took me a little longer than usual to get through. It sounds like your story is very similar to a lot of ours, I know I can relate to it although I think you were in a pentecostal group, and I have never been. I've only been an evangelical. I think it's really interesting you called conservative evangelicals outside of the US "cells." I agree with you, but I've never heard it put that way before. It makes sense. Americans usually use that term to refer to small groups of fundamentalist terrorist Muslims in other countries outside of the middle east. Puts them in proper perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taphophilia Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Hi Jerry, Don't worry about your English. There are some people where English is their first language and don't write English as well as you do. You will get better with practice. Thank you for sharing your story. Taph Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michie_s Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Hi Jerry, Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story. I understood it all. Trying to change yourself and become someone else in order to win over another, then finding out that no matter what you will never measure up to that persons ideal. Glad that you were able to come back to rational thinking and I hope that you will find friends and resources here that will support you on your journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jerry87 Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Thanks everybody, i don't feel myself alone now...and it's important and splendid!!! What i must do now, is try live together with Xianity specially in a state as Italy where catholicism is very cumbersome and pretentious...With time i should accustom it...Since i've experimented Xtianity, i look the world under a different perspective and, sometimes, i feel a strange sense of dismay, impotence and resignation.I can't believe how religions can exist although their groundlessness, and how they can degenerate in the many forms of hysterical fundamentalism as we know...And the proselytism didn't seem to slow down...I don't want to ban religions because i know that xtians intend this attitude as a persecution and(as say the bible), accordingly, they would be more pushed to feel themselves "in Christ"...and their faith would be more fortified...it is a vicious circle impossible to broken...and the funny thing is they think to be the only in "right way"!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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