My Mental Health And Christianity

[Guest LoneSoldier]

I have only just discovered this website, and although I have only read a few articles thus far, it is a relief for me to discover that there are people who have found themselves in a similar situation to me, having encountered a "crisis of faith" of whatever kind, borne out of the Christian religion. This has already given me some conviction to have respite from the horrible condition I am suffering, of which I would like to explain, both to get things off my chest, and, hopefully, receive some feedback.

 

I grew up in a smallish village. Neither of my parents were especially religious. However, I made friends with two brothers whose parents were indeed very much fundamental in their religious beliefs, and I innocently ventured along with them to chapel from an early age (four or five), and it was during these formative years that my supposed knowledge of God was forged. They of course taught me initially how to be a good boy and treat people right, but also how Jesus is love, plus many dramatic Old Testament stories that captivated my imagination - the moral of the story typically being that God's will was done, and as this was being taught by adults, my mind took this to be implicit fact and important. As I got older the message became stronger - Jesus is Love, but if you have not repented and been "born again" your soul was destined for Hell. Oh goody! Being young, with my whole life ahead of me - whilst the concept was terrifying - death was not imminent enough to concern my every waking thought over the destiny of my soul. However, even then, being a naturally inquisitive child I had many questions to ask. These questions, for the most part, they could not or would not be prepared to answer. For example, "If God forgives all, what if the Devil asked to be forgiven?" - This was just too abhorrent to consider! I also remember them teaching that baby Jesus did not even cry when he was born upon that starry night. When asked what the significance of that was I was informed that it would have been a sin, but Jesus was perfect so he didn't cry. "Huh? It's a sin for babies to cry?", "Oh yes!" was the vociferous response. "Hmmm..." thought I, if you say so!

At about the age of ten or eleven I can remember being given two novels to read, which despite being a walk in the park for me even at that age, truly impacted the structure of my thinking today. The notions these people had about angels and demons - and the power of prayer in the outcome of their battle - were given greater impetus from these novels. (Frank Peretti - This Present Darkness; Piercing The Darkness).

The years passed and as friends do, I drifted away from the brothers and the rest of these people. However, at one significant point when I was about 11 or 12 years old, I started going to another chapel - mostly because it was somewhere for me and my friends to hang out inside in the dry on a boring, wet Sunday evening. Most of the messages of this chapel were the same as the previous one (apart from some fine-detail Biblical differentiations and disputes, as there always are within this so-called "one truth" religion) and atop of the Biblical studies and member testimonies there was a persistent inclination of these people to try to get us to have our souls saved by asking Jesus into our lives. You know the spiel I am sure.

I remember the night well. I did as was instructed, and engaged in the prayer initiated by the Pastor. A caveat was immediately issued - "You may not immediately feel anything different; but the holy spirit WILL work through you." Despite not feeling anything miraculous, as the preacher had stipulated, I soon spent some time feeling as though I were a bonafide born-again Christian; my bad language seemed to disappear, I did well at school; the system was working; GOD KNEW ME.

But as teens do, I just naturally drifted away from this way of life as a result of certain factors. I argued with the charges of the chapel when they did things I didn't agree with; I found lots of new friends in a new school; I discovered that girls were interested in me, etc.... I left and forgot about it all.

Bit-by-bit I became a regular kid rather than a born-again Christian, although I guess these notions never left me. I got into a deep and involving relationship with a girl whilst still really a kid, but eventually my heart got broken, and I questioned God. Why is God letting this happen? I really love this girl. Why won't God implement something to salvage this situation? I was a wreck. I was 17.

It took a long time for me to get over this break up. There are various reasons, psychological I am sure, other than just religion that I let this have so much impact on my life and frame of mind. However, things were not like they used to be. Anyway... I then went away to University. I thought that this would be the best time of my life. It was a disappointment. I had good times certainly, but on the whole this time spent so far away from home for such long periods merely heightened the depression that had been forged in my teens. I ended up alone (for reasons I know not), a long way from home.

My mind was expanding. I studied literature and philosophy, including philosophy of religion, but the more alone I became the more I would "converse" with God as I had done at 12 years old. Please forgive me wondering about this God, but why is this like this; and this seems to indicate that, so how come...? The questions I harboured in my mind got bigger and bigger, and the black and white notion of the all-good almighty God of the Bible just did nothing to answer the bigger questions that were popping up: - Why would God allow existence to turn out this way? How could individuals be at fault and unacceptable to God and destined for hell, when they hadn't even asked to be born? Then my Grandfather died of cancer and the questions within got stronger, and the need to protect those important to me but so far away from me was felt more than ever.

Anxiety disorders typically stem out of depression, and I guess this is where my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder took root – in loneliness. In addition to asking God himself about the meaning of life and so forth I started to pray about every given aspect of negativity in the world. I started to pray again, first just at night, to protect that which was dear to me. But increasingly, praying became a part of my everyday thinking. These one-way conversations with God constantly building up in complexity about the world in its entirety as I would make my way to the shops, or watch the TV, or even whilst I spoke with people. I prayed about everything that bothered me, every conceivable fault with the world, and for forgiveness for every guilty thought I had. I would think: If I should pray for something that is important to ME in the hope it will have an influence with God's decisions about what happens within my little circle of importance, surely it is only right that I pray for every other consideration that needs remedying in the world that I know about too... right? The system became gargantuan in my loneliness.

 

I have now been suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for at least 5 years, in therapy and on medication. My life has become wretched. No longer are these considerations in my mind just mild concerns, they are a waking nightmare of a bleak, cruel world, where predominantly pain is endured, and my part to play in it is from within my mind. The pangs of distress that ring throughout me everyday, varying from thinking about anything that is awry in the world, or the health of anybody I think of, or guilt about wicked thoughts, to worries about demonic/angelic intervention, have made me an overweight, lazy, binge-drinking fool. Most of my time is occupied by this garbage, distracting me from living a truly “normal†life. I am on the verge of being sacked from a job I don't enjoy, and any remembrances of a life that can be enjoyed outside of work seem a distant memory. I do engage in some things I enjoy, and with good friends, but these thoughts are never far away, even when I’m feeling moderately well. It has gone from the point of being just something I do in the background of my mind, to being the very forethought of my living existence. Despite being able to rationalise the process and realise the illogical nature of what I am trying to achieve, I have found it almost impossible to separate my mind from the idea that it should have a "relationship" with God. This relationship is untenable for two reasons: I am far from perfect (whatever that is); and the conversation only consists of my thoughts, not Gods, so there are never any answers. I want to switch this idea off completely, but it is very difficult, again for two reasons: I still want there to be a heaven and I want to go to it; and lastly the fear of hell that was put in my child's mind all those years ago, by people who insisted it was real, is something I do not want to risk being left open to. Always, always, “what if†is there in my mind.

 

I am going to turn this around - because I finally realise and accept, it's not going to be by the mercies of God that my life is good or bad, but by me alone. Time will tell...

[Robbobrob]

First off, welcome to the boards.

 

I have my pet theory about the possibility of Satan repenting. Why would God go to Hell after the Crucifiction? My thought is that he went to Hell to offer Satan his old job back as Head Snitch/Attorney General of Heaven. And, as stated in Revelations, somewhere near the front of that disgusting book, Jesus admits to having the Keys of Hell. So, I think Satan repented and gave up control of Hell to God. Only religionists would cling to 2 dimensional charcters who never grow and learn from their mistakes. Good writing demands it's characters learn and change. Because only then does it mirror real life.

[Deva]

Welcome LoneSoldier!

 

I could relate to a lot that you said in your post. The Hell doctrine is very hard to overcome. It took me about 10 years or so. There were other aspects of xianity that kept me holding onto it longer, like the social aspect. I think my mind works a bit like yours does -- always the "What if". I finally just came to the acceptance that yes, there was a possiblity hell could be real. A very, very remote one. I said is it worth living my life with this fear always at the back of it. Then I made a very brave leap. I said it doesn't matter whether or not it is real, I am going to free my mind from xianity and am willing to go there, Yes, I said that to myself. Then I did free myself. But I would not say it was easy.

 

I never personally believed in prayer, even when I was an xian and believed in Christ. It always seemed like talking to myself. One part of a fragmented mind conversing with another fragment. I never saw any results from it. It is one thing to believe in the xian God, but to believe he is actually listening to you, just didn't seem right to me. Doesn't he already know what's going on? I just could never believe it that much. I would always fake it in church. I always thought the eye-closing thing was stupid. Mostly no one ever asked me to pray out loud. That was good because it would have been a very poor effort. Maybe that is why this "relationship" thing was something I never could understand.

 

Didn't you think the Peretti novels were badly written? I have tried to read some xian fiction, Peretti and the Left Behind series but they have such ridiculous characters that don't act like real people.

[R. S. Martin]

I'm kind of obsessed with hell myself, and with proving fundamentalist Christianity wrong. I found an article here that you might find helpful. Here I (and a few others) posted some more thoughts and links as I worked through some of the issues. Mental health issues are not at all uncommon results of fundamentalist religion so don't beat yourself up over it. Granpa Harley wrote a great post in the Lions Den in You're Just Angry with God about dealing with a god that allows all these horrible calamaties. At least, I think it's a great post.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you enjoy your stay and learn as much from these forums as I did. See you around.

[Guest LoneSoldier]

Welcome LoneSoldier!

 

I could relate to a lot that you said in your post. The Hell doctrine is very hard to overcome. It took me about 10 years or so. There were other aspects of xianity that kept me holding onto it longer, like the social aspect. I think my mind works a bit like yours does -- always the "What if". I finally just came to the acceptance that yes, there was a possiblity hell could be real. A very, very remote one. I said is it worth living my life with this fear always at the back of it. Then I made a very brave leap. I said it doesn't matter whether or not it is real, I am going to free my mind from xianity and am willing to go there, Yes, I said that to myself. Then I did free myself. But I would not say it was easy.

 

I never personally believed in prayer, even when I was an xian and believed in Christ. It always seemed like talking to myself. One part of a fragmented mind conversing with another fragment. I never saw any results from it. It is one thing to believe in the xian God, but to believe he is actually listening to you, just didn't seem right to me. Doesn't he already know what's going on? I just could never believe it that much. I would always fake it in church. I always thought the eye-closing thing was stupid. Mostly no one ever asked me to pray out loud. That was good because it would have been a very poor effort. Maybe that is why this "relationship" thing was something I never could understand.

 

Didn't you think the Peretti novels were badly written? I have tried to read some xian fiction, Peretti and the Left Behind series but they have such ridiculous characters that don't act like real people.

 

 

I guess the Peretti novels were badly written, but then I was very young when I read them. Thanks for your post. I'm glad that there's someone else who thinks the whole prayer idea is nonsense. If God knows all thought, what is the need for prayer. So why am I still conflicted with this crap... fear.

[Guest LoneSoldier]

First off, welcome to the boards.

 

I have my pet theory about the possibility of Satan repenting. Why would God go to Hell after the Crucifiction? My thought is that he went to Hell to offer Satan his old job back as Head Snitch/Attorney General of Heaven. And, as stated in Revelations, somewhere near the front of that disgusting book, Jesus admits to having the Keys of Hell. So, I think Satan repented and gave up control of Hell to God. Only religionists would cling to 2 dimensional charcters who never grow and learn from their mistakes. Good writing demands it's characters learn and change. Because only then does it mirror real life.

 

Thanks for your welcome. You probably guessed that my username came out of the lyrics of a Bob D song. You are definitely correct. There is so much to suggest the bible is not the whole truth. But it's very difficult to say, "God is a **** if he thinks my grandparents are worthy of hell, just because they didn't say a prayer." I am so passionate about this I want to start a movement. But, tis early days. tis early days.

[Guest LoneSoldier]

I'm kind of obsessed with hell myself, and with proving fundamentalist Christianity wrong. I found an article here that you might find helpful. Here I (and a few others) posted some more thoughts and links as I worked through some of the issues. Mental health issues are not at all uncommon results of fundamentalist religion so don't beat yourself up over it. Granpa Harley wrote a great post in the Lions Den in You're Just Angry with God about dealing with a god that allows all these horrible calamaties. At least, I think it's a great post.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you enjoy your stay and learn as much from these forums as I did. See you around.

 

 

I will definitely read these articles. Thank you for your post. It is very difficutl to say "who the **** are you God? Making me, and 5 billion others burn for things they didn't understand" without cringing and begging for God's forgiveness. Hopefully these aricles will help...

[Japedo]

If God knows all thought, what is the need for prayer. So why am I still conflicted with this crap... fear.

 

 

Hi LoneSoldier and welcome to the forums!!

 

Fear is the hardest emotion to control. Fear of the unknown, fears of what if's sometimes can plague our minds to unhealthy levels. It is because fear has been instilled in your thinking process for so long. You've been slowly told over and over to be afraid of thinking outside the Christian dogma. Afraid god wasn't going to approve, afraid you were being mislead by 'evil forces' afraid of loved ones going to hell.. Religion isn't logical and is based upon emotions... fear being the greatest motivator behind believing. Christianity is an abusive dogma. It teaches you're worthless.. always strive for perfection but always missing the mark, always being punished for not living a perfect example as Christ. You are to ignore anything human about yourself and completely close your mind to any thoughts not of god. You are taught to hate yourself without Christ.

 

Teaching yourself to unlearn emotions that have been instilled in you is an Mt. Everest of a challenge, don't rush yourself. It took years to condition your mind to fear.. It will take awhile to introduce your logical mind with your emotional one... but the two will get there. The thing that helped me the most was learning pagan origins of the Christian faith. If someone told you when you die, you would be going to the underworld to meet Anubis you'd dismiss it as an old mythology. It would hold no power of fear over you because as we know.. these gods were created by ancient people. It is the same mythology just a different cult is all.

 

Life gets better... it's like waking up. Like my awesome quote say's by WR, Life isn't a waiting room..

 

 

Glad you found the site!!

[Guest JP]

Lone Soldier...

 

The entire last paragraph of your story is my life in a nutshell. The only difference is, I'm underweight as a result of the anxiety and depression. Reading your story really struck me because it is like a mirror of my life; it was actually quite shocking how accurately you portrayed it.

 

I understand completely how obsession can control your life. I have been a diagnosed obsessive-compulsive for years, and have experienced the repetitive praying, thinking about God, obsessing over coincidences, worrying about heaven/hell, etc. It is a pain that I wouldn't wish upon anyone, and it's upsetting to me that someone else out there has experienced emotional pain like this.

 

Here is what I am coming to realize: WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS PAIN. We haven't done anything to deserve it. And yet, we are living our lives feeling guilty and obsessing over things that, even if real, we cannot possibly control. But the key is not in the obsession itself; as with any facet of OCD, the trick to stop the obsession is to resist the compulsion.

 

Go read a book. Take a walk. Do the dishes with the radio on. KEEP YOUR MIND BUSY. Don't give it time to haunt you with all this bullshit. You will soon realize that there is no outside force that is making you obsess over these things. I am coming to that realization after three long years of deep anxiety and depression due to religious indoctrination.

 

I have faith that you will get better. I'm even starting to have hope that I can get better (I've finally made an appointment to see a psychiatrist.) Feel free to PM me anytime. Welcome to the site.

 

JP

[R. S. Martin]

I'm kind of obsessed with hell myself, and with proving fundamentalist Christianity wrong. I found an article here that you might find helpful. Here I (and a few others) posted some more thoughts and links as I worked through some of the issues. Mental health issues are not at all uncommon results of fundamentalist religion so don't beat yourself up over it. Granpa Harley wrote a great post in the Lions Den in You're Just Angry with God about dealing with a god that allows all these horrible calamaties. At least, I think it's a great post.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you enjoy your stay and learn as much from these forums as I did. See you around.

 

 

I will definitely read these articles. Thank you for your post. It is very difficutl to say "who the **** are you God? Making me, and 5 billion others burn for things they didn't understand" without cringing and begging for God's forgiveness. Hopefully these aricles will help...

 

And if they don't, don't give up. These things are very personal. What helps one person does not necessarily help another. That's why we offer all kinds of suggestions here. There's no "one size fits all" when it comes to dealing with leaving religion. As you read these forums you will find many ideas that have helped others. You will be able to patch together what works for you--one step at a time. All the best.

[Eccles]

LoneSoldier,

 

First of all, I was brought up a Roman Catholic from birth. I see you were indoctrinated into Christianity by your 'friends' at the tender age of five, before you could learn any science. Did you ever learn science at school? Were you ever interested in science.

 

You see, therein lies the problem. If all a person knows is Christianity he cannot understand the truth of science. I got talking to an elderly man today in a newsagent. I happened to be mentioning to people present that I am a bedraggled refugee from the"Holy" Roman Catholic Church, now a Card Carrying Atheist. Outside the shop this man asked me how long since I had been to Mass. I said about 35 years. He said: "Don't you believe in God?" I said no. He asked: "What do you believe in?" I said nothing. He then started the usual spiel about creation and even the trees in the street being made by a "god". He could not understand how I could not believe in the fable of creation. He asked "Where did it all come from?" I asked him if he knew any science. His answer was no. I tried to explain the principle of Matter/Energy always having existed, but, as I thought, he was unable to understand that.

 

This is not as big a problem in Australia as it is in America. We do not have a BIble Belt like in the States. We do have small pockets of bible thumpers, but the majority of Australians dislike people preaching at them. Science is taught in all schools and teaching so-called "intelligent design" is forbidden.

 

I can't understand how anyone could waste a few years of their lives at bible schools and studying Theology at University unless it was for the sole purpose of knowing about it so one could debunk it. Fancy a University course devoted to the study of something based on a non-existant fictional "god". Those resources could be better spent teaching science for the benefit of mankind. What benefit to mankind has religion been? Look at the Dark Ages and the Holy Inquisition lasting from the 4th centry CE until the early 19th century. Mulitudes of people were slaughtered. Education was supressed or even banned by the Church.

 

Am I glad I do not live in America, or worse still an Islamic country.

[Guest LoneSoldier]

LoneSoldier,

 

First of all, I was brought up a Roman Catholic from birth. I see you were indoctrinated into Christianity by your 'friends' at the tender age of five, before you could learn any science. Did you ever learn science at school? Were you ever interested in science.

 

You see, therein lies the problem. If all a person knows is Christianity he cannot understand the truth of science. I got talking to an elderly man today in a newsagent. I happened to be mentioning to people present that I am a bedraggled refugee from the"Holy" Roman Catholic Church, now a Card Carrying Atheist. Outside the shop this man asked me how long since I had been to Mass. I said about 35 years. He said: "Don't you believe in God?" I said no. He asked: "What do you believe in?" I said nothing. He then started the usual spiel about creation and even the trees in the street being made by a "god". He could not understand how I could not believe in the fable of creation. He asked "Where did it all come from?" I asked him if he knew any science. His answer was no. I tried to explain the principle of Matter/Energy always having existed, but, as I thought, he was unable to understand that.

 

This is not as big a problem in Australia as it is in America. We do not have a BIble Belt like in the States. We do have small pockets of bible thumpers, but the majority of Australians dislike people preaching at them. Science is taught in all schools and teaching so-called "intelligent design" is forbidden.

 

I can't understand how anyone could waste a few years of their lives at bible schools and studying Theology at University unless it was for the sole purpose of knowing about it so one could debunk it. Fancy a University course devoted to the study of something based on a non-existant fictional "god". Those resources could be better spent teaching science for the benefit of mankind. What benefit to mankind has religion been? Look at the Dark Ages and the Holy Inquisition lasting from the 4th centry CE until the early 19th century. Mulitudes of people were slaughtered. Education was supressed or even banned by the Church.

 

Am I glad I do not live in America, or worse still an Islamic country.

 

Thanks for your post. First of all, I'm not an American, I'm British. While it seems to me the fundy Bible Belt here is waning, it's still present in dark corners of every town.

 

Yes I was taught science at school. I was taught about both evolution and creation. How does a young child's mind choose which is right? (Bear in mind the promises of heaven and the threat of hell that comes with creation.) In any case, whilst I accept your point, I don't think making a decision about the existence of God is quite as simple as merely knowing science. For one, God could be responsible for that science. And secondly, even science leaves a lot to be answered. Whilst I will no longer allow myself to blindly believe in creationism, I also find it difficult to understand how people are satisfied by the big bang explanation. Where did the energy and matter that started the big bang come from? An infinite regression in time also seems damned hard to conceive let alone to believe.

 

Lastly, I don't know if your last paragraph refers to me, if so I think I may have given you the wrong impression. I did not go to a bible school, I went to a regular school. However, during my spare time I was involved with "schoolings" of a chapel. I didn't study Theology per se, I studied philosophy. If my intention of going to study these things was to debunk God, I would have already been convinced that God needed debunking. I went to university to learn things I didn't yet know.

[South2003]

Speaking about prayer, one sceen that will always be stuck in my mind is my son asking "why is god not answering my prayers?" My answer then was "pray some more". That is most painful memory of being a part of the cult it is to remember my child in so much anguish. I think he was praying for us to have food to eat. I never brought myself to ask.

[R. S. Martin]

Eccles said:

 

I can't understand how anyone could waste a few years of their lives at bible schools and studying Theology at University unless it was for the sole purpose of knowing about it so one could debunk it. Fancy a University course devoted to the study of something based on a non-existant fictional "god". Those resources could be better spent teaching science for the benefit of mankind. What benefit to mankind has religion been? Look at the Dark Ages and the Holy Inquisition lasting from the 4th centry CE until the early 19th century. Mulitudes of people were slaughtered. Education was supressed or even banned by the Church.

 

Lone Soldier said:

 

Lastly, I don't know if your last paragraph refers to me, if so I think I may have given you the wrong impression. I did not go to a bible school, I went to a regular school. However, during my spare time I was involved with "schoolings" of a chapel. I didn't study Theology per se, I studied philosophy. If my intention of going to study these things was to debunk God, I would have already been convinced that God needed debunking. I went to university to learn things I didn't yet know.

 

Eccles, I think reasons for learning theology or the Bible are more complex than you imply. Some people really believe this stuff for various reasons and I don't think we are right in condemning them without hearing their cases. Also, when I entered seminary it was not for any of these reasons. I just had an intuitive hunch that I absolutely needed a degree in something and this was one program I qualified for and that also accepted me. On top of that, I found it very interesting. And now I am using it to debunk Christianity. But I identified as a Christian when I applied.

 

I started out as a child with the conviction that god did not exist and that religion was a hoax but I was in no position to question it. My life depended on accepting what I was taught. So I spent three or four decades trying to convince myself that religion was true. But I couldn't do it. Studying theology was probably an unconscious all-out last-ditch systematic attempt at making sure I didn't miss anything--I don't know. If you have been reading these forums you will know that many and many a person who truly wants to know the truth has made a sincere effort at studying the Bible, its history, and the history of the church and Christianity, only to deconvert. Thus, the reasons for studying theology and the Bible are far more varied than you allow.

 

Also, as Lone Soldier indicates, not all of this study that people do is formal education in a school. Many industrious people study on their own. They do a lot of reading when they're not working. And they think while they are working and driving. And they talk with people they meet over coffee, on the street corner, in the parking lot, or wherever. News, for them, is not just something that happens. Tsunamis, hurricanes, natural and man-made dissasters are for them part of a larger story about God--or the absense of God--that must be explained and fitted into a meta-structure of Life. True seekers will seek these explanations with or without formal schools.

 

Eccles said:

 

Look at the Dark Ages and the Holy Inquisition lasting from the 4th centry CE until the early 19th century. Mulitudes of people were slaughtered. Education was supressed or even banned by the Church.

 

Eccles, I suggest you get yourself a bit more education in some way or another. The Inquisition as it is generally known did not start until about 1200. Science may teach you some things but church history is where you would learn about this. I got these basics at Answers.com.