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Pig Panties And The Pentecostal Church


Ex-COG

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Hilarious entry I ran across on a blog. I thought that when Pentecostal women went into their spiritual gyrations, people would throw towels or something over them?

 

During the crisis that was my Mother’s dating life, she became involved with a man named Ron who was extremely religious. Ron was a very devout member of the Pentecostal Church and longed for a family who maintained similar views. Within seconds of uttering this desire to my Mother, our entire family suddenly became firm believers in the Pentecostal faith.

 

For the few of you who don’t know, Pentecostal’s believe in feminine modesty. Women are strongly discouraged against wearing make-up, cutting their hair, using deodorant or perfume, or donning a pair of pants. They are also very adamant about accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior and will give you a baptismal like it’s a free coupon for a box of scented dryer sheets. But probably the most intriguing characteristic of those entrenched in the Pentecostal faith is their tendency to speak in tongues. If you’ve ever heard of someone described as a ‘holy roller,’ it is likely they were talking about a Pentecostal.

 

I know this might be hard to believe, but my brother and I generally liked being a part of the Pentecostal church. For one thing, the majority of the parishioners refrained from using birth control, so there were always tons of kids around for us to play with. For another thing, church was exciting. Who needed a television set or video games when you could simply attend the Wednesday night service?

 

Church services always started off quiet enough with the organ playing and parishioners quietly whispering greetings and shaking hands. But among the kids, there was a kind of electricity in the air. Half of the time, we could barely contain ourselves. We knew that if things went well, it was likely we’d see some crazy ass shit.

 

Reverend Bud would begin the sermon slowly and thoughtfully. He preached the wonders of God’s love and the importance of attending Church regularly. Although this was typically the most boring part of the night, we (the kids) used the time wisely. We’d make faces at each other over the pews or give random people the finger behind our Bibles. The purpose of our antics was to simply keep ourselves occupied until the adults starting yelling, “Amen!†and “Praise God!†It was at this point, we would swivel around in our seats and keep our eyes glued to the front two pews. This is where the action usually started.

 

When Reverend Bud’s preaching reached an end, the organs would suddenly blare and everyone would hop to their feet. The singing and the clapping would swell to a crescendo and the children would titter excitedly in their seats. The fever and shouts of religious undulation would continue until the crowd worked themselves into a literal frenzy and then…

 

…..THWAK!

 

Sister Ruth, an older woman with long silver hair, would collapse onto the ground in the front row. Experiencing her own special brand of religious ecstasy, Sister Ruth would wriggle and writhe on the Church floor until her skirt hiked up over her hips to reveal her panties. Farm Animals. Sister Ruth’s panties always had pictures of farm animals on them.

 

Of course, this was the jackpot the children were all waiting for. A small tremor would vibrate through the crowd as the kindly children from the front pews would whisper to the kids in the back exactly what farm animal decorated Sister Ruth’s panties today. Sometimes, it was frogs. Every once in a while, we’d see little blue lambs. Often, there would be kittens and dogs and little yellow ducks. The single time we saw cows, we had to bury our faces in our Bibles to hide the fact that we were laughing our asses off.

 

At this point in the service, the adults would collectively lose their fucking minds. They’d hop around in circles, screaming. They’d hysterically cry and hold their arms up towards the heavens. They’d gyrate around on the floor and speak in some unintelligible language: Bugga bugga boo! Oh, I love you Jesus! Yada gabba doodle boo boo wak!

 

It was fucking awesome!

 

Life doesn’t get more exciting for a 10 year old kid than attending a service in a Pentecostal Church. We went to Church every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night. On Sundays, we would be in Sunday school. On Saturday, we’d attend Church picnics or other related events. It got to the point where we were at Church more often than we were at home and we didn’t mind one fucking bit. Not only were we surrounded by friends, but at any second, there was a distinct possibility that someone would become possessed by the good ol’ Holy Ghost and feel compelled to shout at the ceiling, “GABBA GABBA GOOOOO!â€

 

The Holy Ghost was so fucking cool. It made the adults look like idiots!

 

At one point, my Mother decided that I needed to be baptized. At first I was a little nervous, but the other kids who had been previously baptized assured me that it was no big deal. According to them, everyone would just go down into the basement where they had this big bathtub/pool sort of thing set up. Then Reverend Bud and I would go out into the middle of it, pray a little, and then he’d duck me under real quick. When I came up out of the water, I was supposed to hold my hands up and pray some more. Afterwards, everyone would come over to hug me and congratulate me. Piece of cake.

 

The day of my baptismal went almost exactly like this, except the kids had forgotten to relay to me one very pertinent piece of information: the water in the tub was fucking freezing. When I came up out of the water, hands obediently raised in the air, my teeth were chattering from the cold. The tub was also under a vent and the air conditioning was on full blast, so when the breeze hit me, my entire body started shivering uncontrollably.

 

“Look!†someone finally yelled, “V has got the Holy Ghost!â€

 

I didn’t have the Holy Ghost. I was just fucking cold, but such a jubilant cheer burst forth from the crowd that I felt I had no choice but to go with it.

 

“GABBA GABBA GOOO,†I hollered tentatively, “BA BA BOOGA BOOO!â€

 

The crowd went nuts! People start dancing around in circles and thanking God Almighty for giving me the Holy Ghost. A few women collapsed by the front of the pool, weeping with joy. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed my friends pumping their fists, laughing, and egging me on.

 

“WACKA WACKA DOO! OH ME OH MI!†I screamed some more.

 

Reverend Bud’s voice vibrated through the room of parishioners as he demanded that everyone take heed of the miracle they were witnessing. On cue, I screamed some more gibberish. At one point, I think I accidentally chanted the word ‘Nigger’ once or twice, but no one cared. After all, I was speaking God’s language.

 

Eventually, things died down and I was free to escape into the playroom with the other kids.

 

“That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!†they insisted.

 

“You forgot to tell me the water was so cold!†I laughed.

 

“Oh, but too bad for you! You missed Sister Ruth’s panties!â€

 

“What were they this time?â€

 

“Pigs!†they chortled, “Sister Ruth wore pig panties to your baptismal!â€

 

“Goddammit,†I pouted, “I guess when you’ve got the Holy Ghost, you miss all the fun.â€

 

The Pentecostal Church and the Holy Ghost Want You to Wear Pig Panties

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that has got to be some of the funniest stuff I have read in a while!

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:lmao: Thanks so much for this outstanding post!! I'm going to forward it to my sister, she'll love it!!!
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:lmao: That is funniest thing I ever read over the net as I used to be a pentecostal preacher years ago and I would jump up and down and shout running up and down and dance around repeating my words over and over again shouting "Glory to God! Glory to God! Have you got the spirit? I say have you got the spirit?" and the they would answer, "Amen!" and it was a real circus as you described and I remember the children too but I never once imagined it was entertaining to them but I am glad it was. At the time I believed in it but since I never spoke in "tongues" and they expected me to I would start off speaking in Navajo, bits of German and a dash of Yiddish and a few made up words and they never knew I was faking it but they started off speaking in tongues themselves in what sounded like a Chinese man with a noodle caught in his throat and I could never understand a word that was said.

 

But after reading your piece I broke up with laughter and thought "you ought to write a book about it and get it published with American Atheist Press" as I know they would publish it and promote it for you.

 

I hope you do not mind if I copied it and keep it in my files as the funniest story I ever read since "Nibs goes to London" and I hope you write some more in the future as I love those kind of stories. :funny:

:lmao:

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:ouch: :ouch: :ouch: oops I see you aren't the author but I sure would like to find him and get him to write some more of that funny stuff.
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Pig Panties: $12 bucks.

 

Fill up baptismal pool with water: $40 bucks

 

This story: priceless.

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One of the 34,000 Christian Denominations all claiming to believe in a non-existant "god" and that a certain Jew called Jeshua bar Josef a.ka. Jesus the Nazarene and later Jesus Christ was the "son of god". This Pentecostal Church is one of the more whacky ones. Note it's history:

 

Pentecostals trace the history of the movement to the day of Pentecost when a week after Jesus ascended into Heaven (Acts 1), there were 120 believers waiting for the promise of the Father, that is the Holy Spirit. In Acts 2:4, when the Holy Spirit came upon the believers they all spoke in tongues (other languages). That notwithstanding, the practice of speaking in tongues has been reported and documented throughout Christian History; however, the roots of the current movement date back no earlier than the late 1700's. Modern revival movements over the past few hundred years have appeared and are referenced below.

 

One such revival began with a Prussian Guards officer, Gustav von Below, in 1817. He and his brothers started holding charismatic meetings on his estates in Pomerania. A Lutheran commission sent to investigate was at first suspicious but found the phenomenon to be "of God." This led to a growth in charismatic meetings across Germany which quickly crossed the Atlantic during the great German migrations of the nineteenth century.[citation needed] The Pentecostal movement also became prominent in the Holiness movement, which was the first to begin making numerous references to the term "Pentecostal", such as in 1867 when the movement established The National Camp Meeting Association for the Promotion of Christian Holiness with a notice that said: [We are summoning,] irrespective of denominational tie...those who feel themselves comparatively isolated in their profession of holiness…that all would realize together a Pentecostal baptism of the Holy Ghost....

 

England and parts of Europe experienced another Charismatic or Pentecostal type movement before the Pentecostal movement started in the United States. In the 1830's, in England, a church under the leadership of Edward Irving began to experience manifestations of tongues and prophecy. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pentecostalism#History

 

Considering that this whacko church was started by a Prussian Gaurd and their drinking prowess is legend nothing would be suprising.

 

BTW Jesus after all his hard work and suffering and alleged death did not really do very well: only 120 believers at Pentecost. I doubt if the collection would have covered the expenses, especially the cost af Jesus' airline ticket to heaven. Did he send them a postcard?

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No wonder pentecostalism is so popular. Why, I'm interesting in going, to witness this spectacular show.

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Dear heavenly Mother pass around eye glasses to all of these thy sightless and blinded bretherns who are blind and can no see thy wonderful love and thy forgiveness for they know not what they do. I call on you Goddess as thy heavenly mother whose only daughter Betsy thou send to dye our hair white as snow and here they speak ill of thee and thou only begotten daughter Betsy the Lard. In the name of the Mother, the daughter and the Holy goat. ah women. :moon::fun::crucified:

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At the time I believed in it but since I never spoke in "tongues" and they expected me to I would start off speaking in Navajo, bits of German and a dash of Yiddish and a few made up words and they never knew I was faking it but they started off speaking in tongues themselves in what sounded like a Chinese man with a noodle caught in his throat and I could never understand a word that was said.

 

What you said about putting different languages together reminds of the time as a kid when I knew a Pentecostal family who lived a few doors down from my family. The family was Hispanic,and when the dad spoke in tongues it was usually swear words in Spanish. One time he threatened to beat me and a few other kids in the neighborhood with a belt because we were giggling when he was going "Aye! Aye! Puta! Puta! Wat-Tey!Pendejo! Na!" :loser::HaHa: . It was quite halarious as he was stoned most of the time when he was receiving the holy spook and doing this tongue speaking. Once this weirdo even got stoned enough to try to go around the apartments brandishing his belt as he thought the kids were demon possessed for giggling at his gawd talk <_< . Us kids easily ran away as he was swaggering like a drunk and blabbering to himself. Luckily a year later his wife got the courage to take their five kids and move into a domestic violence shelter as he had been beating her and the kids.

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Great stories!

 

Makes me wonder what percentage pentecostal preachers brazenly faked it.

 

The Hispanic dad was hilarious. I just had to look up "pendejo." That DEFINITELY wasn't a word they taught us in high school Spanish class!

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  • 5 years later...

I saw that a guest was reading this old thread and I couldn't resist the title.  The quoted text is a little scrambled but click on the link in the OP for a good laugh!  I need to get some of those pig panties!!!    ;@)

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FUNNEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Good story. I'm ex-CoG myself (many moons ago), so it really hits home!

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Thanks for bringing it back up.  Funniest thing I've read in a while.

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This was absolutely hilarious!  There were a few years when i didn't post on Ex-C.  The original post must have happened then.

 

I wish I had seen the church services for the joke that they were when I was a kid!

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Oh wow that was hilarious, the "gabba gabba goo" and the panty peeking, oh wow!

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I grew up in the four square gospel church. The major goal for all of us in 5th grade sunday school was to be filled with the holy ghost and speak in tongues. I was a quiet and shy kid, evidently with no ghost inside because it never happened to me. The girls in our class would go through the act, hands in the air all worked up and crying, and attempting to sound like the adults. I always felt bad because the spirit didn't enter me, it never occured to me that it was a trick to be learned. This was in the late 60's and they did the healing thing too. Everyone would stand in line to be healed and the healer would get all worked up and smack you on the forehead and you would fall down and cry and pray. My mom drug me into line for the healer once, even though I told her I didn't need it and I wasn't sick. When I got the palm to the forehead, I didn't fall down, so he smacked me again. There was a long, very quiet pause then and I quickly fell down so he wouldn't apply his palm to my forehead again. I'm sure they were shocked I didn't keel over. I just remeber being so uncomfortable with it. All eyes upon me, watching for my reaction. Good thing those lunatics went to church. Because without god, I'm sure they would have been making a spectacle dancing on tables in bars.

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Pig Panties: $12 bucks.

 

Fill up baptismal pool with water: $40 bucks

 

This story: priceless.

QFT

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  • 2 weeks later...

Campbell Morgan, a famous UK preacher, was once reported to have called Pentecostalism "the last vomit of Satan".

 

I wouldn't disagree myself!  

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What. How did I miss this thread, before.

 

Wait... it all makes sense now! The modesty fetish, the repression of women's sexuality... Sexy underthings inhibit the holy spirit! So: unattractive farm animal panties guarantee flopping on the floor gibbering, every time. This woman was a theological genius. Following this to the logical conclusion: nice black silk and lace or leather or something is God repellant. Maybe this is also what's behind Mormon magic underpants... we could be on to something! I can see the paper now: The Correlation of Horrible Underthings and Self-Reported Faith Values, an Exploration of Metaphysical Cause and Effect.

This requires more research...

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it'd be awesome if the women went commando....

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lol.. awesome

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it'd be awesome if the women went commando....

Eeewwww! The grand canyon with hair.

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