Rhia Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 So at my mother's bidding, I was informed that I was to attend her wedding this past weekend (21st - 23rd September) - I didn't have a choice in the matter, it was supposedly my "duty" to show up, smile, sit in the front row, and take pictures of my mother getting married to the most brutish swine I have ever met in my life. He's the type of middle-aged guy that sums up what it means to be a dumb American - evangelical/fanatical, patriotic, and extremely rude (will yell at a waitress if his order isn't perfect, but can't seem to not chew with his mouth closed). He has my mother doing everything for him (including pouring milk into his cereal while he's sitting at the table with the bowl in front of him!), and everything that he wants (like dropping everything to go to church at any time, just because he requests it). My non-theist aunt & uncle were staying at my house this weekend with my boyfriend and I as we were preparing for the wedding, and we had several conversations about noticing how we were being "phased out" of their lives the closer it got to the wedding. My Aunt is fron Finland, and is very polite, but couldn't even be bothered to be nice to the guy, especially after she asked him if he was excited/happy/nervous about his upcoming wedding, and he replied (in front of my mother no less!) "no, it's just a very spiritual experience; so I'm feeling very spiritual." Who (aside from those in forced arranged marriages) are not at least nervous about the whole thing?! Anyway, in the past couple of months prior to the wedding, my mom has been calling lately and acting really weird. She would call to let me know that her fiance didn't like me, would never like me, and I could do nothing to change it, (which I don't really care to change as long as I don't have to live with him) but then would burst into tears repeatedly asking me "why did you leave the faith?! You could have just said you were taking a break from God, like I did, but why oh why did you say you don't believe?!" Which leads me to believe that he's informed her that after the wedding, and after I graduate in December, that he doesn't want her to have much (if any) further contact with myself, the rest of my family (who are either Catholic or Atheist), or anyone else that's not in "the church". So back to the wedding. My mom and he were married at the church (which I haven't actually stepped inside of for 3 years prior) where they met, the ceremony was ostentatious, and the new-husband demanded that someone sing "Amazing Grace" throughout the ceremony, not just as decorative piano before the bride comes down the aisle. The pastor, of course, was a fake asshole (the same man who told me that I would be "gravely sorry" for becoming an atheist got right in my face and hugged me in celebration of my mom - at any other time I would have told him to fuck off). My family knew that I was not happy, and that I didn't support the marriage at all (not that it really matters, there wasn't much I could do to stop it - I just wish I didn't have to sit there and pretend) and so I knew that I just had to keep my mouth shut for the sake of everything. The reception was absolute hell, my mom was prancing around, happy with her latest "catch", dragging me out of my seat to take pictures, and the new husband was being WAY too touchy-feely with me when he has barely spoken 5 words to me at a time. I had to keep pinching myself so I wouldn't cry in front of everyone - because frankly, I was heartbroken. I love my mother and think she could have done better. I was also so sad because my sister left when he moved in - he made her uncomfortable and my mom wouldn't listen. Now my sister is married to someone who is constantly in and out of jail, and she didn't even get a chance to finish high-school. My mother adopted my sister and I (from different families) to make us a family - and then decided that her love life was more important than the family she had created with us, to the point where she's willing to give both of us up for the various reasons at hand (myself for lack of religion, my sister for running off with a married convict). I know I'm an adult and that in theory I don't need my parents anymore - but I just wanted some stability and someone who wouldn't give me up again! My bio family gave me up, and then I gave them up 10 years later when I discovered how incredibly psychotic they were - either way though it doesn't matter, because they deemed me "too different" to really fit in with them. Now my adopted family chose me, and then chose that I wasn't worth it when I changed. I really don't understand how so many religious people can be so selfish. I didn't expect her to stay single forever, but I did expect her to choose someone who would accept her family as a whole, and not just her alone! I've tried so many times to tell her how I feel about everything, and she has made it clear that I have no say, and that she doesn't care how I feel about it - because she doesn't want to be alone for the remainder of her life, and that's the end of it. The greatest source of my upset was that when my mom hugged me before she left on her honeymoon, I knew it was one of the last times I would be seeing her; because he doesn't want me in his life AT ALL, and his power over her is so great that she's admitted that she will do whatever it takes to make him happy in this marriage. I feel like I'm being erased, and it just makes me hate fundies even more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
junkpoet Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 So at my mother's bidding, I was informed that I was to attend her wedding this past weekend (21st - 23rd September) - I didn't have a choice in the matter, it was supposedly my "duty" to show up, smile, sit in er it takes to make him happy in this marriage. I feel like I'm being erased, and it just makes me hate fundies even more. i read your rant and im sorry. i have not been there and i dont want to insult you by spouting off some tacky advice. i do understand how not being religious when it seems like everyone else around you is can make you feel isolated. and email pals and this site can only offer so much. i dont know what other close friends you have, but i hope there is somone there you can confide in. you obviously cant fix your mom's life, maybe you can be there for her if it doesnt work out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbobrob Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 Thank you for sharing that. What a heartbreaking story. your mom is so desperate to not be alone, she is willing to enslave herself to a man who will control her every move. If they were 20 years younger, people would be telling her to run away from such abuse. And to make you feel guilty that your lack of faith has contributed to HER choices is awful and disrespectful and disgusting. Her new life of separation and abuse is her choice. Wish you and your sister didn't have to get hurt in the process. Be thankful you did not stay "in the faith", you could have been brainwashed into believing you deserved such abusive treatment by marrying a control freak like your mother's husband (will not dignify him with the title "step-father"), and been separated from everyone you have cared about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 I don't have much to add here Rhia. I think this situation stinks. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 So sorry to hear about your situation, Rhia. Hard to imagine anyone being so desperate as to marry a jerk like you describe. This is truly heartbreaking. I guess that the best you can hope for is that your mother might come to her senses one day, when the abuse becomes too much. Just awful. I say with LR, hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilentLoner Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 ((Rhia)) I'm really sorry you have to go through all this. What happens, happens. The most you can do is to focus on your life right now. Your mother may realize the truth one day, but for now just hang in there (agreeing with the above posts). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 ((((((((((Rhia)))))))))) For lack of words... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted September 26, 2007 Share Posted September 26, 2007 The greatest source of my upset was that when my mom hugged me before she left on her honeymoon, I knew it was one of the last times I would be seeing her; because he doesn't want me in his life AT ALL, and his power over her is so great that she's admitted that she will do whatever it takes to make him happy in this marriage. I feel like I'm being erased, and it just makes me hate fundies even more. Your story really tears me up inside. I can't imagine what you're going through. What I do see is that not only are you hurting but so is your mom. I don't know her past but she seems to be a frightened, insecure, person to be controlled like she is. I doubt very much she's doing any of this to hurt you though. If her new husband is like you describe I am a bit wary of him. I rarely like to just throw this out about someone but he seems the type that could become abusive in some fashion being so highly controlling (especially if he is the one that is advocating cutting ties with friends/family for any reasons). For that reason I'd ask you to stay in her life despite efforts to push you away. If you're afraid of this guy never be alone with him (take a friend and record conversations if you have to). It's clear to me you love your mom and your sister. I wish there was something more that I could do than just give you some off the cuff advice and tell you that you have my sympathy. I really hope things ultimately work out for the better. mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
מה טבו Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 that he doesn't want her to have much (if any) further contact with myself, the rest of my family (who are either Catholic or Atheist), or anyone else that's not in "the church". There are inevitably red flags in an abusive relationship, and you've just pointed out one of the biggest ones possible, short of bruises and missing teeth. (Those, all too often, come later.) It sounds like he's trying to cut her off from her support system. When she's isolated, he has more control over her, and he can do whatever he pleases to her. You're not going to be able to reason with her. She's not going to see the signs. People who get into these relationships become the biggest damn fools - but then we're all damn fools at some point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaoi Huntress Earth Posted September 27, 2007 Share Posted September 27, 2007 I'm sorry that you have to go through with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luck Mermaid Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 Well, I learned in my religious training last week that you should love your husband before your children.. .god these people are skanky. Whatever, I'm trying not to be judgemental, the truth is, I think, that (not like you need another asshole to decree what the GREAT TRUTH is, or their version, anyway), I think that people who do that are deeply wounded inside, both your mother and her husband, and it could very well be me making those decisions and behaving like that under certain circumstances. It doesn't make it any less wrong. Parents (and children who aren't abused by their parents past a degree they cannot tolerate), owe a loyalty to each other that I think is natural and intrinsic. I was afraid I didn't feel this for my mom at a certain point, because she abused me, but I do. If you choose a spouse or religion or friend, permanently, over your parent or child, you're fucked. I've done it several times, in order to sort out abuse throughout my childhood, as well as various other issues, and for a time I thought my mother never loved me and I didn't love her ,but I know she loves me, despite much of that love being expressed in twisted ways, and I suspect I love her as much as she loves me, despite feeling emotionally numb today in large part. I hope that's in some way helpful to you... I worry for your mother, this guy is probably going to hurt her, and I suspect you may need to perform interventions for domestic battery in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest CBenjaminHaag Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 Pardon my French, but holy motherfucking fuck. First...profane rant aside, I am sorry to hear that along with dealing with your mother remarrying (a significant event under the best of circumstances, think I), along with the inherent pressure of shifting a system of belief (or more accurately, shedding), along with the social pressure that often comes from said shifting, thanks to judgmentalism and stupidity and simple unkindness, along with that, you must also face a step-parent who seems to be driving a wedge between you and your family. Without diverting this post from your painful situation to personal narrative...I have experienced the latter, and am dealing with the fallout now, and I will say with no hesitation whatsoever that this is as gutless as it is cruel, and moreso given that you, unlike I, are with an adopted family. As for the new husband making both you and your sister uncomfortable -- if I read correctly -- that just adds tawdry and nauseating icing to a poisonous cake. I'm sorry to hear of this...and send good thoughts through the wires... Benjamin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 The greatest source of my upset was that when my mom hugged me before she left on her honeymoon, I knew it was one of the last times I would be seeing her; because he doesn't want me in his life AT ALL, and his power over her is so great that she's admitted that she will do whatever it takes to make him happy in this marriage. I feel like I'm being erased, and it just makes me hate fundies even more. I'm so sorry, Rhia. This story is totally gut-wrenching. There's one little one word in there--the one I bolded--that gives me some insight as to WHY all of this and therein lies my hope. There's got to be a reason she's fallen for him so hard. And I think this is the reason. He's given her a huge tough-luck sob-story story and mersmerized her. But he's one way-too-confident cruel cut-throat bully--cutting her off from her family even before he's married to her. You sound like a very wise and intuitive daughter, Rhia. Maybe you can keep your ear to the ground in subtle ways and let your mother know under the table that you'll be there for her when/if the going gets tough. (It might have to get really tough before she'll admit or accept anything--he sounds like the type who will make it all seem like her fault and she sounds like the type who will believe it.) When you and your mother do get together on the same side I think you'll be more than a match for the bully, but in the mean time there looks to be some painful biding of time and flitting in the shadows. You're not erased, Rhia, though I know what you mean and it's a horrible feeling. I hope she's not disillusioned too badly on the honey moon. The man sounds like a creep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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