Skiergirl24 Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 When I tell people I am agnostic they look at me like I grew another head. It is not some stupid phase I am going through. I am not agnostic because I am young and naive. I am agnostic because I spent years searching for God and came up empty. I do not believe in a benevolent, omnipotent God. I was raised Catholic and my parents truly wanted to raise me with a sense of faith. I was taught about the Bible, I attended CCD classes etc. I grew up in a Catholic home with 2 very intelligent parents. I endured a lot as a child and always wondered, “If God loves me so much, why does he let me suffer?†I was such a bereft child that I threatened suicide at age 4. My unhappiness continued throughout my teens. Through it all I prayed. I remember getting down on my hands and knees and begging God to help me. I got no answer. My pleas fell on deaf ears. I tried to live a good life. I helped others, I believed in God, I tried to live by the Commandments. I truly, and naively, thought that the just were rewarded and the wicked punished. Why was I being punished? I was a good and worthy child. What had I done wrong? All too quickly I learned that the just are not rewarded and the wicked are not punished. Either God is evil and enjoys inflicting pain upon us, or everything in the world is the result of luck and chance. My source of strength was always my mother. She was the only person who could understand me. She was the only person who loved me unconditionally. She was there for me throughout the medications, depressive episodes, horrible compulsions etc. She loved me. She was my strength. Then, when I was 15, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I prayed and prayed for God to spare her. God did not spare her. She died after a 10 year bout with breast cancer. My mother was a teacher, a mentor, a loving woman. She believed in God, read the Bible, volunteered. She was my heart and soul and now she is gone and I am left asking “Why?†In the past 2 years (since mom’s recurrence) I have been on a quest to find God. Everyone kept telling me, listen to Jesus’ words: "Seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you." So I sought to find God. I longed for his love and compassion; I wanted a relationship with this “Creator†that everyone spoke so highly of. I read the Bible. I read the works of Christian Apologetics. I studied Pascal’s Wager. I researched ancient religious texts. I meditated. I asked God to help me. I prayed that I would be “Shown the light.†I came up empty. I never felt an ounce of love or compassion from God. I never felt that everything would be okay or that there was a plan for me. I was left feeling empty and lost. I truly believe that the majority of the people who believe in God have not ever really sought him out. Oh sure-- people have had minor doubts and done a bit of soul searching. That is now what I am talking about here. I am talking about dedicating years to studying, searching, meditating, praying, researching, thinking and ardently searching for God. To do that - to seek out God with your heart and soul - you must entertain the idea that he might not exist. The very act of LOOKING for God implies that you have your doubts about his existence. Many people would rather blindly believe than actively seek out God. Because, you know, when you search for something, there is always the chance that you might not find what you are looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garrisonjj Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Very well said. My story is similar as an ex catholic. I am now basically godless after searching for him my entire life. Now, I can skip mass for a year, attend, when socially necessary, receive with "mortal sins" on my soul, walk out and say FUCK IT to myself! I used to be consumed by guilt , no more. Fuck all religion1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oladotun Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 When I tell people I am agnostic they look at me like I grew another head. It is not some stupid phase I am going through. I am not agnostic because I am young and naive. I am agnostic because I spent years searching for God and came up empty. thank you for posting your comments. I can definitely relate to what you are going through. I have been going through my "de-conversion" experience now for about 18 months, but it still hurts. It is like I was hooked on a drug, only to realize that the drug was killing me. You can read my other postings on here to read my full story, but the summary goes something like this. My mother, who was also a Christian, killed herself when I was 9 years old, she had been in an abusive relationship and battled depression most of her life. I remember as a child praying for her, that God would help her. He didn't answer my prayer (I thought God loved the little children?) and "well-meaning" Christians said that it was simply God's will but that suicide sent you straight to hell, so you can only imagine the love-hate relationship I had with God knowing that he would send my suffering mother to hell, when the reason for her suicide in the first place was that she was in mental hell. I "received Christ as my Lord and Savior" when I was 16. I started my earnest quest for peace, studying the Bible, going to Bible study and earnestly trying to do all the right things that Christians do to find peace. I was baptized again, confirmed (in the Anglican church) and started trying my best to obey the Bible before I realized that obeying the Bible is literally impossible, anyone who thinks otherwise has really not read it. I also started to see that this notion that God blesses those who do good and curses those who do bad is not really accurate. Bad people sometimes get away with it (even though Christians will say they ultimately pay in hell) and good people sometimes suffer (why would God let a baby be born with a debilitating defect or let one be killed in a tragic accident?). I could ho on and on about things in the Bible that we easily dispute today (like slavery, or wearing clothes mixed with two fabrics, or stoning kids to death who disobey their parents, stoning to death a woman who is not a virgin when she gets married, or refraining from eating certain foods)..But thr final straw for me was when I was in a very abusive job environment and asked a miinster what I should do about it and he said that I should simply thank God for the job because God gave it to me. I asked him, if a woman was in an abusive relationship with her husband, would you ask her to "give thanks to God" because he gave her the husband? I have not been to church since and have no desire to be there... the bottom line is that Christianity as we know it has done me liitle or no good. It is all a scam of you ask me. The person of Jesus is very attractive to me, I will not lie, but religion and Christianity is all bullshit..It is nothing more than a tool used to control people using fear as its primary weapon. I have tried following the Christian doctrine and it has actually made me more miserable because of its impossible and unfulfilling demands. Today, I too I am happy to just be. I don't want anyone telling me what to believe, and I won't tell them what to believe... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garrisonjj Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 When I tell people I am agnostic they look at me like I grew another head. It is not some stupid phase I am going My heartfelt condolences for your mom and family. You sound llike a bright, wonderful person. I wish you well and was touched by your post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oladotun Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 THanks..As to religion, I say good riddance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skiergirl24 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 thanks for all the kind replies. It helps to know I am not alone!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
South2003 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 The person of Jesus is very attractive to me, I will not lie, So were Gandhi and Buddha. But Dejesus? That's if he actually exist and wrote the things he said or maybe had someone else write then down in the holy biblica years after his supposed death. Here are just a few of Jesus's "attractive" quotes: Luke 14:26 26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes,[hate] even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.†Matthew 10:34-37: 34 "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." 35 "For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her motherinlaw." 36 “a man's enemies will be the members of his own household." 37 "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; I detest, but to each his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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