Xtian Song Lyrics

[L.B.]

Hello, all... let's have some fun. What Xtian song lyrics, from hymns or 'contemporary' songs, just make you sick or make you laugh? I have a few favorites:

 

Onward, Xtian soldiers, marching as to war... we are not divided; all one body, we. (from the same song; both such crocks of shit)

 

You are my desire; nothing else will do. Nothing else can take your place; to feel the warmth of your embrace. (God? Girlfriend? WTF?)

 

Anyway, there are tons more... Here's a chance to have some fun. What are your love-to-hate-'em lyrics?

[Deva]

I hate the song "Just As I Am" because I had to listen to it 10,000 times during altar calls. If no one came up, the pastor became upset and just made us sing a few more verses until someone did. I guess he felt like a failure if he didn't meet his quota of sinners for the day.

[Vigile]

I used to love Amazing Grace, but if you think of the lyrics, they are utterly demeaning. "wretch like me"

 

The biggest problem I have with xianity is this self-depreciation factor. Millions of people walking around the planet every day consider themselves wretched and in need of the grace of this oh-so-benevolent mystery man in the sky. It's all just very bad form.

[Ouroboros]

Which song? Name one and I probably dislike it.

 

In the light of what's going on in many Churches today, I find the song "He touched me" very creepy.

 

"Amazing grace" irritates me because they sing it or play it everywhere. And everytime I think, "you're not out of the woods yet". They're rejoicing for something that hasn't happened yet, since they're not dead and in heaven. It's not over until the fat God sings.

[L.B.]

Here's a few more:

 

"He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue you when you call." (Imaginary Jesus/Imaginary Superman)

 

"Call him in the morning

In the afternoon-time

Late in the evening; he'll be there"

 

(What? Like Geico Insurance? 24 hours a day for your convenience?)

 

The other thing I can't stand are the TUNES for the 19th-century hymns... they sound like so much bad fucking carousel music... yet it's a carousel that we have all been on and couldn't wait to get off of.

[bush country]

Seems like every semi-xian artist that gets near a microphone has to record this one:

 

"Open the eyes of my heart lord, open the eyes of my heart..."

 

What? Does someone need an anatomy lesson?

 

Even worse, I saw advertised "24 of your favorite contemporary P&W songs sung by country stars". Yee-haw!

 

Pardon me while I puke.

[Light_of_Reason]

There's this contemporary song that they play at the service my wife attends that always cracks me up.

 

I think it is called "In the Secret," and I always think of a sexual encounter when I hear it.

 

Lyrics go something like this:

In the secret place

I want to touch your face

I want to know you more

 

In the garden I wait

only for you

I want to know you more

 

 

If you think about the Biblical use of the term "know," you get my drift.

[Rhia]

I hate almost everything by Delirious, especially the songs "Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble?" and "My Glorious"; the other one that irks me more than all else is called "Part of Me" by YFriday.

 

So the first Delirious song has such lyrics as:

 

And we can see that God you're moving

A mighty river through the nations

And young and old will turn to Jesus

Fling wide your heavenly gates

Prepare the way of the risen Lord

 

Open up the doors and let the music play

Let the streets resound with singing

Songs that bring your hope

Songs that bring your joy

Dancers who dance upon injustice

 

An example of "My Glorious" (this is the whole song, and it was sung over and over for about half an hour at a time at my church & church-camp):

 

The world's shaking with the love of God

Great and glorious, let the whole earth sing

And all you ever do is change the old for new

People we believe that

 

God is bigger than the air I breathe

The world we'll leave

God will save the day and all will say

My glorious!

 

Clouds are breaking, heaven's come to earth

Hearts awakening let the church bells ring

And all you ever do is change the old for new

People we believe that

 

And here is an example of "Part of Me", although I don't think the lyrics do much justice of just how fanatical this song actually sounds - I would upload it as an attachment if my computer would actually let me, but rather fortunately I guess, it's not working.

 

You've place Your seal upon us

Heir of Your holy promise

Your spirit meets us here

In hope we share in Your suffering

With praise receive Your offering

 

I'm part of Your, You're part of me

Can't be shaken from Your hand

I stand for You, You stand by me

When my faith's like shifting sands

I long for You, You long for me

To be drawn unto Your side

A Father and His child

[SWIM]

I hate nearly all of them, but some have merit from a "fun to listen to" point of view, so long as you tune out the lyrics...

 

LeAnn Ryhmes version of "Amazing Grace" is nice (but the lyircs are demening as said above)

 

Rod Steward did "People Get Ready" with Jeff Beck which was cool, (there again, tune out the lyrics)

 

 

Nice guitar work in the last one.

[ShackledNoMore]

I'm not sure whether this is the right thread for this or not, but I think this is hilarious.

 

One day, our youth pastor must have gone out camping or something, and he came back with a song that the Lard put in his heart:

 

I got chigger bites on my ankles

I got chigger bites on my knees

I got chigger bites all over me

 

Oh I don't feel so good

But I know I'm gonna feel better

I know I'm gonna feel better when he comes

 

oh when he comes

oh when he comes

I know I'm gonna feel better when he comes

 

oh praise the lord

oh praise the lord...

 

I wish I could convey the whole effect with 2nd rate cheesy jingle he had us sing it to--I'm pretty sure he also wrote the music, too, and it was equally cheesy with the lyrics!

[Grandpa Harley]

One that irritates me on the Time-Life 'Great Praise Songs' collection is 'My God Is An Awesome God' over pictures of folks who seem to think looking haemorrhoidal, waving their arms in the air is 'holy'...

 

Nobody has armpits worth sharing...

[dr_funkenstein]

One that irritates me on the Time-Life 'Great Praise Songs' collection is 'My God Is An Awesome God' over pictures of folks who seem to think looking haemorrhoidal, waving their arms in the air is 'holy'...

 

Nobody has armpits worth sharing...

Yeah, Awesome God is a funny one, because it reeks of the whole "my god is better than your god" ethos that the early OT writers clearly had in relation to the various gods they were espousing at the time (Yahweh, El, El-Shaddai, etc)

[Grandpa Harley]

It seems popular with 'Emergents'

[Toxic]

There's an Anglican hymn called "My Master and my Friend"

[Grandpa Harley]

I though that was called 'O, Jesus, I Have Promised'

 

O Jesus, I have promised

To serve Thee to the end;

Be Thou forever near me,

My Master and my Friend;

I shall not fear the battle

If Thou art by my side,

Nor wander from the pathway

If Thou wilt be my Guide.

 

Oh, let me feel Thee near me;

The world is ever near;

I see the sights that dazzle,

The tempting sounds I hear;

My foes are ever near me,

Around me and within;

But, Jesus, draw Thou nearer,

And shield my soul from sin.

 

Oh, let me hear Thee speaking,

In accents clear and still,

Above the storms of passion,

The murmurs of self-will;

Oh. speak to reassure me,

To hasten, or control;

Oh, speak, and make me listen,

Thou Guardian of my soul.

 

O Jesus, Thou hast promised

To all who follow Thee

That where Thou art in glory

There shall Thy servant be;

And Jesus, I have promised

To serve Thee to the end;

Oh, give me grace to follow,

My Master and my Friend.

 

Oh, let me see Thy footmarks,

And in them plant mine own;

My hope to follow duly

Is in Thy strength alone.

Oh, guide me, call me, draw me,

Uphold me to the end;

And then to rest receive me,

My Savior and my Friend.

[Insanity personified]

I hate hate HATE!!! the song "onward christian soldiers"...im surprised the neo-cons haven't adopted it as their theme song

[Naughtyhamster]

After my former pastor's six year old nephew died of cancer at the age of six I refused to go to church for a few weeks until my mother actually slapped me (and I was twenty one years old then) for telling her off when she said I had to go back to church.

 

Well when I went back to church I refused to sing anything. All I did was mouth the words, but I couldn't even sing What a Mighty God We Serve without thinking of the pastor's nephew as this was this kid's favorite xtian song. Even when Mom bought some praise and worship cassettes I would go to my room and listen to something else as I couldn't stand hearing What A Mighty God We Serve or any xtian music that little boy liked without thinking of his slow painful death from cancer. Anyway when What A Mighty God We Serve came up in church I would make up some really blasphemous lyrics which I sang as everyone else's voices would drown my voice out.

 

I can only remember a part of what I made up from some of those xtian songs I sang in church:

 

What a mighty twisted gawd we serve

What mighty twisted gawd we serve

Gives little Christian kids bone cancer

But gives long lives to dictators

What a twisted gawd we serve

 

And Amazing Grace:

Why should I bow to a bitch like thee? Instead of Save a wretch like me...

[Toxic]

I though that was called 'O, Jesus, I Have Promised'

 

That's the one.

[ShackledNoMore]

I can only remember a part of what I made up from some of those xtian songs I sang in church:

 

What a mighty twisted gawd we serve

What mighty twisted gawd we serve

Gives little Christian kids bone cancer

But gives long lives to dictators

What a twisted gawd we serve

 

And Amazing Grace:

Why should I bow to a bitch like thee? Instead of Save a wretch like me...

Here's one that I made up shortly after I deconverted. From:

 

Jesus, I adore You

I lay my life before You

How I love You

 

To:

 

jesus, I abhor you

I laid my life before you

How I loathe you

[Jubilant]

"Jesus loves the Children" and "Jesus loves me". I think the Bible says OTHERWISE!

[Mythra]

Jesus loves the little children. Hah.

 

He had a strange fuckin way of showing his love for ACHAN'S LITTLE CHILDREN.

 

Here are a couple of real gaggers:

 

As the deer panteth for the water

So my soul longeth after Thee

 

I know it's from Psalms, but - COME ON. Did we really just sing the word PANTETH???

 

 

You alone are the real joy giver

And the apple of my eye

 

THE APPLE OF MY EYE? What are you - fuckin kidding me? Are we gonna get together in the rumbleseat, or what? That's right up there with "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do"

 

Oh, to think I used to stand up front leading this nonsense.

 

It's just so.....

 

 

 

 

embarrassing.

[Grandpa Harley]

I prefer Numbers 31:1-18

 

" "...And they warred against the Midianites, as the Lord commanded Moses, and they slew all the [adult] males. And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones...And they brought the captives, and the prey, and the spoil, unto Moses...And Moses was angry with the officers of the host And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Ba'laam, to commit trespass against the Lord in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the Lord. Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the female children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."

 

On God's instructions, Moses sent 12,000 soldiers against the Midianites. The army killed every adult Midianite male. This is in response to some of the Israelite men having had sex with some of the Midianite women. Moses then ordered them to slaughter in cold blood each captive, including all of the boys, saving only female virgins. The latter were apparently to be retained for purposes of rape. The Midianite mothers were thus punished by having to watch their male children murdered in front of them. Then, they were themselves killed. Verse 35 talks about 32,000 virgin captives; this implies that there were probably about 32,000 boys killed."

 

From BIBLE PASSAGES THAT SEEM IMMORAL BY TODAY'S STANDARDS: PART 2 of 4

[Naughtyhamster]

"Jesus loves the Children" and "Jesus loves me". I think the Bible says OTHERWISE!

 

Jesus loves the little children. Hah.

 

He had a strange fuckin way of showing his love for ACHAN'S LITTLE CHILDREN

 

Someone should use the song Jesus Loves the Children for a YouTube video and set it to pictures of kids with cancer ( and other chronic/ terminal/ fatal illnesses), starving, getting killed by terrorists, acting as terrorists themselves, doing hard labor in a factory, and other shit the world's kids go through.

[godlessgrrl]

I used to love Amazing Grace, but if you think of the lyrics, they are utterly demeaning.

 

Incidentally, the lyrics and music to "Amazing Grace" can be mutually interchanged with the theme from Gilligan's Island.

[LithaB]

Despite the cheery, upbeat tune that made me want to dance a little jig,

Even as a teenage believer the lyrics made me gag:

 

Sons of God, hear His Holy Word

Gather 'round the table of the Lord

Eat His Body, Drink His Blood

As we sing a song of Love

Allelu allelu alleluuuuuja