Where are you, God?

[webmdave]

Sent in by Scott

 

I grew up as a Catholic, believing in God. Eventually my faith wandered and I had many questions. I became a Methodist and was raising a family. I still believed in a God that would help explain the mystery of the cosmos, but Christianity was becoming increasingly absurd to me.

 

Nine months ago, my ten-year-old son Connor died of a heart attack related to leukemia. Needless to say, we were devastated. I'm lost and broken; my whole world was shattered. There is nothing more tortuous than losing your child. It's not like you've heard it described -- "a big hole in your heart" -- it's your whole soul, your very existence being ripped in infinite directions, and so much worse. I've been robbed and violated and there is absolutely nothing I, or anyone else, can do to fix it -- I'm helpless and it is hopeless.

 

There is nothing like having your young son die, that pulls the rug from under you.

 

Everything I ever believed or thought I believed went with Connor; I have been disenchanted. My son represents every young child who has ever died. How is there a meaning to life, if children can die? What meaning can we give to life, if young children can suffer then die?

 

A personal God went out the door. In fact if there is a personal God, I hold him in contempt! As a parent I am completely responsible for my children. I must feed them, clothe them, protect them from harm, shield them from disease, put up with their stubbornness and rebellion, and under no circumstance wantonly harm them physically or mentally, But this supposedly loving and merciful God lets his earthly children suffer -- like the ways mentioned above -- every second of every day. If HE created the universe, HE did a piss poor job by letting my son's own blood poison my son to death.

 

I've heard all the platitudes. "He was God's gift." Yeah, well, when I give a gift, I don't ask for it back! Or, "It's part of God's perfect plan." OK, what's HIS plan? Oh, you don't know -- then how do you know it's perfect? Or, "You'll see him in heaven." What does heaven look like? Where is heaven? How do you get there? Or the greatest platitude, "God is testing you." Are you kidding me with this one? All I want to do is punch their teeth down their throats. How come God tests me with the loss of my precious, ten-year-old son while you are boo-hooin' because God tests you with the death of your ninety-year-old grandfather, or because you are on your second divorce?

 

If there is a God, he is apathetic. And like an idiot, I went to the Bible for comfort, only to find the most vile atrocities committed by God. This is what we base a religion on? This is the God of love and mercy?

 

I also have a evangelical Christian friend who decided to walk with me once or twice a week, because he said, "I want to help and I love you, man." A couple of weeks into our walk we were discussing Abraham and Issac of the Bible and I asked him, "If God asked you to kill your son, would you do it?" "Yes," was his answer. I then asked him how he would do it? He thought a little longer and I had to prod him. "Would you choke him to death? Would you shoot him? Would you beat him to death?" His answer was, "I would probably slit his throat."

 

(SLIT - HIS - THROAT)

 

I was dumbfounded. This is where his blind faith has taken him, and you have to remember that he was telling this to me, a father who's child had just died. Needless to say, he is not my friend anymore, and never will be again.

For more on this idea, check out this story: Religiosity Common Among Mothers Who Kill Children

 

Now I live in misery, my own personal hell, from which there is no escape.

 

I used to think raising kids was like climbing Mount Everest -- the hardest but the most rewarding experience a person could have, but sadly that experience has crumbled. With the death of Connor I will be buried under that mountain until I die.

 

Where are you, God? Where is my hope!!??

 

-- Scotthttp://exchristian.net/testimonies/2007/10...re-you-god.html

[Ouroboros]

Scott,

 

I can truly relate. My child is in a wheelchair, he didnt' die but were close to it several times. One of my realizations was that I must love my family more than God does. I cared and care more for the well being and wellfare of my wife and kids than the Christian God. I had the option, either keep on believing in this evil God that harms my family - which didn't match the theology I had learned -, or I could just accept the possibility that the Christian God doesn't exist at all.

[Monk]

Scott,

 

I already posted on the main blog, but I'd like to once more express my condolenses. I can't even begin to imagine your suffering.

 

I'd also like to apologize to Scott for potentially starting an argument in the midst of his grief, but I cannot let something pass....

 

I'd also like for everyone else who reads this post to know that, even though it's really none of my business, I am outraged on Scott's behalf. On the main blog, after (presumably) just reading Scott's heart rending post about his son (and his contempt for christian grief apologetics), some unscrupulous christian under the name "retired 1sg" had the gumption to tell Scott that "no matter how bad it gets and how lost you are God is there for you."!!!! Doubtless, this individual meant well, but I see it as a moral outrage that they would so recklessly ignore Scott's feelings in his time of grief.

 

It makes me sick, angry, and ashamed to think that I was ever associated with any group of people like that.

[lemon]

<span style="font-style:italic;">Sent in by Scott</span>

 

I grew up as a Catholic, believing in God. Eventually my faith wandered and I had many questions. I became a Methodist and was raising a family. I still believed in a God that would help explain the mystery of the cosmos, but Christianity was becoming increasingly absurd to me.

 

Nine months ago, my ten-year-old son Connor died of a heart attack related to leukemia. Needless to say, we were devastated. I'm lost and broken; my whole world was shattered. There is nothing more tortuous than losing your child. It's not like you've heard it described -- "a big hole in your heart" -- it's your whole soul, your very existence being ripped in infinite directions, and so much worse. I've been robbed and violated and there is absolutely nothing I, or anyone else, can do to fix it -- I'm helpless and it is hopeless.

 

There is nothing like having your young son die, that pulls the rug from under you.

 

Everything I ever believed or thought I believed went with Connor; I have been disenchanted. My son represents every young child who has ever died. How is there a meaning to life, if children can die? What meaning can we give to life, if young children can suffer then die?

 

A personal God went out the door. In fact if there is a personal God, I hold him in contempt! As a parent I am completely responsible for my children. I must feed them, clothe them, protect them from harm, shield them from disease, put up with their stubbornness and rebellion, and under no circumstance wantonly harm them physically or mentally, But this supposedly loving and merciful God lets his earthly children suffer -- like the ways mentioned above -- every second of every day. If HE created the universe, HE did a piss poor job by letting my son's own blood poison my son to death.

 

I've heard all the platitudes. "He was God's gift." Yeah, well, when I give a gift, I don't ask for it back! Or, "It's part of God's perfect plan." OK, what's HIS plan? Oh, you don't know -- then how do you know it's perfect? Or, "You'll see him in heaven." What does heaven look like? Where is heaven? How do you get there? Or the greatest platitude, "God is testing you." Are you kidding me with this one? All I want to do is punch their teeth down their throats. How come God tests me with the loss of my precious, ten-year-old son while you are boo-hooin' because God tests you with the death of your ninety-year-old grandfather, or because you are on your second divorce?

 

If there is a God, he is apathetic. And like an idiot, I went to the Bible for comfort, only to find the most vile atrocities committed by God. This is what we base a religion on? This is the God of love and mercy?

 

I also have a evangelical Christian friend who decided to walk with me once or twice a week, because he said, "I want to help and I love you, man." A couple of weeks into our walk we were discussing Abraham and Issac of the Bible and I asked him, "If God asked you to kill your son, would you do it?" "Yes," was his answer. I then asked him how he would do it? He thought a little longer and I had to prod him. "Would you choke him to death? Would you shoot him? Would you beat him to death?" His answer was, "I would probably slit his throat."

 

(SLIT - HIS - THROAT)

 

I was dumbfounded. This is where his blind faith has taken him, and you have to remember that he was telling this to me, a father who's child had just died. Needless to say, he is not my friend anymore, and never will be again.

<span style="font-style:italic;">

For more on this idea, check out this story: Religiosity Common Among Mothers Who Kill Children</span>

 

Now I live in misery, my own personal hell, from which there is no escape.

 

I used to think raising kids was like climbing Mount Everest -- the hardest but the most rewarding experience a person could have, but sadly that experience has crumbled. With the death of Connor I will be buried under that mountain until I die.

 

Where are you, God? Where is my hope!!??

 

-- Scott

 

http://exchristian.net/testimonies/2007/10...re-you-god.html

 

Hi Scott,

 

I don't know if I can compare my situation to yours since I wasn't able to spend 10 precious years with my child. I suffered a miscarriage at 18 weeks. But, I can identify with much of your agony. Personally, I hate it when people take a tragedy and cheapen it by saying God had some perfect plan. It is a cruel thing to devastate someone simply for some higher purpose. I would hate to believe that a god would do that to you, me, or anyone else...but...wishful thinking on my part? Most parents with any type of sanity would not harm their children in order to get them to prove their love and devotion. There is no excuse for a deity to do that.

 

As for your "christian friend" willing to slit his child's throat for God, that is just plain sick. If a god asked me to do that, my response would be "hell no" as would be the response of any loving parent. Christians who would not be sensitive to what you are going through likely have not experienced any real hardships. How do I know? I was one of those sensitive/naive christians at one time.

[Grandpa Harley]

This is why the True Believer is just a scary, evil, beast I have problems sharing a planet with. At least I'm sane enough to wait for them to die out under their own steam...

[Dhampir]

From the link provided: "Women who kill their children commonly cite God, the devil and other religious influences for their actions. Although the mothers are also often found to be severely mentally ill or psychotic, the recurring theme of religiosity begs the question: Is religion to blame?

 

Theologians, sociologists and psychiatrists generally say no. They say religiosity is a common theme among psychotics because hallucinations and delusions usually take familiar forms. " Does anyone else see the ridiculous disconnect between this first sentence, and the one immediately following it?

[Grandpa Harley]

You see a lot of Sexual Serial Killers were active in their church. More than 75% of the 'big names' from Ed Gein to BTK had strong links to the church and Christianity.... Always fun...

[R. S. Martin]

From the link provided: "Women who kill their children commonly cite God, the devil and other religious influences for their actions. Although the mothers are also often found to be severely mentally ill or psychotic, the recurring theme of religiosity begs the question: Is religion to blame?

 

Theologians, sociologists and psychiatrists generally say no. They say religiosity is a common theme among psychotics because hallucinations and delusions usually take familiar forms. " Does anyone else see the ridiculous disconnect between this first sentence, and the one immediately following it?

 

You would probably have to write an article to explain why you see a disconnect. I'm not sure that a funeral thread is the appropriate place for such a discussion.

[garrisonjj]

<span style="font-style:italic;">Sent in by Scott</span>

 

 

I am so sorry for your loss. My love and understanding is with you. Be strong.

[South2003]

Scott,

 

My condolences go out to you and your family and to let you know that we are here for you. Stay strong!