Spoomonkey Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 I am at a bit of a loss... I found out this week that my mother has terminal cancer. There is the slimmest of hope, but as one who works in a para-medical field, I am not particularly optimistic. I'm not here for comfort really, because I really don't need any. Amazingly, I have found a lot of peace in celebrating her life rather than mourning her death. And if she makes some sort of incredible recovery, I have learned a lot about the value of a person's life. So, in a way - as sad as I obviously am about the finality of things, I am actually excited about the life my mom has led and this chance I've had to evaluate it... But the bottom line is, it will be a "miracle" (please forgive the use of the term) if she lasts the rest of this month, much less the rest of the year. And while I have deconverted, the rest of my family has deeply converted. Part of the deconversion experience for me has been the ability to reconnect with my family - especially my mom. She's embraced my deconversion with nothing short of enthusiasm and unwavering support... It could be because she is a non-Christian herself The rest of my family knows my beliefs (or lack there of) and I have not been shy in telling them exactly where I am. However, I have always been respectful of them and asked only that they be respectful of me. To be honest, we have all existed comfortably so far. Speaking to my mom last night she was optimistic, but preparing. She told me that she wanted me to basically be in charge of her memorial. And she didn't want it to become a "Jesus thing". I was a full time minister for over a decade and have a degree in Bible from a conservative Christian college. The rest of my family have all had jail-house type conversions... So - of course - they know way more than me And I have no doubt that they are at the evangelistically zealous point to turn the funeral into something that my mother wouldn't want. She is really scared of it... I know this is probably one of those questions where the answer is "I don't know", but my mom has put it upon me to give her the sort of memorial that she would be comfortable in life. How can I peacefully keep Jesus out when my brothers and sisters are all fairly new Christians (and we all know what that is like)? Any advice? Any encouragement? Anything at all? I really don't want the death of a parent to be the start of a lot of family tension... Spoomonkey PS - I know I rambled, but my mind is pretty scrambled right now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
upstarter Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 Two suggestions I have... get your mother to go now and prearrange her funeral. She can choose where she wants it, talk to the people there about what she wants to have happen and not happen and it will all be done and written down. You won't have to be "responsible" for being the one to keep Jesus from her service, she will. Short of that, she could just write down what she wants and show it to your siblings and get them to buy in. She has such a luxury of being able to do this now. And hopefully your siblings won't argue with a dying woman. Even when I was an xtian I really hated funerals that were all about Jesus when I knew the deceased was not at all interested in Jesus in life. The best funerals celebrate who the person really was, and it sounds like you have a lot to celebrate about your mom. Good luck. Heather Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 Upstarter gave good advice. Keeping this "last wish" (so to speak) just between you two won't bode well since it might appear that you are simply trying to make things how you want them. Obviously the xians will believe that your mom will have converted and jesus needs to make his appearance. Since she's lucid you two should make the arrangements now and don't be "bullied" by the others (sometimes it happens when a person is in a weakened state but working in the field you've probably seen this). If your mom can't get around then try to get people to come to her and if that's no good a power of attorney can get you the ability to work on her behalf. If you have another family member that is sympathetic to the both of you (not crazy for jesus...maybe just a little fond of jesus or something) and you can get them to come along to help you so much the better because you can have a 3rd party witness if your other family members think you did things your way instead of your mom's way. Good luck. Hopefully people will remember who this is ultimately about (not their invisible pal). mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spoomonkey Posted October 26, 2007 Author Share Posted October 26, 2007 maybe just a little fond of jesus or something Don't know why, but this made me laugh... Not a lot of that today, so thanks! I am not in the same state as my mom right now - and her going to plan the funeral is likely out of the question. However, she is writing down her wishes on this and as many other issues as she has the strength to, so I hope that will suffice. Thanks for the advice. It makes me feel better about where this is headed. I just need to make sure her wishes are heard (read). Her husband is sympathetic and will no doubt make sure people have read what she is writing now. Spoomonkey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
white_raven23 Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 As other's have already stated.....get your mom's wishes in writing! You can believe it that your siblings will do everything in their power to turn your mother into a graveside convert if you don't. Your mom might even enjoy planning her own funeral (morbid as that may initially seem). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted October 26, 2007 Share Posted October 26, 2007 When my mother died at the age of 74 after a long illness, my father decided to forego a regular memorial service at a church or funeral home because to be honest her circle of friends and acquaintances had dwindled to the point that it would have been sparsely attended and sad. Instead we revived a tradition that really needs to make a comeback. We just invited everyone we thought appropriate to our family home to say goodbye to my mother (No, the body was not there). Five years later when my father died we did the same thing for him. I have been to several church funerals before and thought the whole affair was contrived, dishonest to the deceased, and a huge waste of money to boot. At both home memorial services there were a few religious types that wanted to make a statement that included the typical biblical and Christian references, and I was okay with that. But they could not hold center stage or control the event because there was no one in charge in a black robe standing behind a podium thinking he knew what was best for us to hear. My suggestion would be for your mother to insist on an informal memorial service at home. If you follow through with that request I bet you will have much easier time controlling things without some religious authority in the room thinking he/she has to “do his job.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric_PK Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 I agree that it has to be up to your mother to keep this from happening. With pre-planning, she can decide exactly what she wants at the service - who she wants to speak, what songs she wants to have, etc - and she can pre-arrange it with whoever is handling the service. That takes the pressure off you to stay with the plan, and all you have to say to the other family members that you want to do what she wanted to do. Having said that, death effects people strongly, and there may be some religious by the people at the service, and as long as it's personal, you'll need to deal with it. Good luck, and sorry about your mom.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 For my grandparents (they died about a year appart) we had a family gathering to celebrate their lives. No service, no burial. I think they were cremated anyway. At the celebration my uncle had put together several albums of their lives and we all told stories to those that would listen. No formal service or talks or anything, no sermons from the few christians in our family... just a family celebration of our grandparents lives. It was nice in that we got to share our grief and say goodbye but hold on to the good memories. Isn't that what funerals are for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted October 30, 2007 Share Posted October 30, 2007 Life in our part of it is meant to remember those who came before us. Get Mom's wishes and rememberances put to tape or paper, maybe both. Video tape while she is still lucid, let her recount her life ant times, the things she would prefer that her survivors would think about her. You may not have luxury of time, make sure you front idea(s) to her as soon as you can. The big thing? Remember why you love this lady and what she means to you and yours. Rest of relatives will grieve for different things and in different ways. But the *end party* after her leaving, the tone and timing can be planned now while she has her thinking working. Gather up pictures of her if you've got a selection, let her pick those she likes, let her help make up the Memorial Board, make sure her comments are something added in, her "last words" may turn out to be "lasting words" to her progeny. "Life Celebration" sans the preaching the crowd into heaven bullshit, is a good way to have family and friends remember someone who seems to have made deep impressions on lots of loved ones. Wish I'd had this kind of options for my parents, both whom passed on when I was rather young.. Just as soon partied them in rememberance than sit and listened to some dumbass preacher drone on... kL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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