Can't Shake The Weird Feeling

[Rhia]

I'm feeling like a total douchebag.

 

So as many of you may or may not know - I originally wanted to be a missionary back in my fundy days. For those who don't know - I was converted to Ass of god when I was 9, (from a formerly neo-pagan background) and felt that I was "called" to be a missionary from around the time I was 12.

 

I chose my college because of their very good missions programme, and began by major in my first semester of my freshman year. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to come across an introduction sociology class my second semester in which (yes, at a Christian college) I was very strongly lectured about "tyrany in missions". I was told about the horrible things that Christian missionaries have done to destroy cultures and people, even resorting to murder to "save" people's souls. I walked out of class after that lecture, walked straight into my advisor's office, and changed my major to anthropology. I couldn't do it anymore.

 

But a week ago, it was "missions emphasis week" at my Uni, and I was being constantly stopped and spoken to about "heeding the call of the Lord" by various missionary-whores. For the most part, I was able to blow them off, but after a while, I think they began to get to me. I started to feel this almost empty, heartbroken feeling, but I know I did the right thing when I deconverted - I needed to do it!

 

Then how come I feel like I made the wrong move? I could never imagine myself hurting people by stealing their culture, and I hate missionaries so much - so why do I feel like I still should have been one? Why am I feeling a tinge of regret!?

 

As I said, I am such a huge douche-bag!

[Thurisaz]

When love/emotion-bombing meets residual brainwashing the result can be messy

[Kelli]

No, you're not! I don't know how you deal with the social pressures of being in that sort of environment. I can completely understand why you are feeling the way you do. I have always wondered, since I read that you were at a christian uni quite some time ago, how you managed it.

 

All I can say is, hang in there. I don't think what you're feeling is abnormal given the circumstances.

[Japedo]

I chose my college because of their very good missions programme, and began by major in my first semester of my freshman year. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to come across an introduction sociology class my second semester in which (yes, at a Christian college) I was very strongly lectured about "tyrany in missions". I was told about the horrible things that Christian missionaries have done to destroy cultures and people, even resorting to murder to "save" people's souls. I walked out of class after that lecture, walked straight into my advisor's office, and changed my major to anthropology. I couldn't do it anymore.

 

But a week ago, it was "missions emphasis week" at my Uni, and I was being constantly stopped and spoken to about "heeding the call of the Lord" by various missionary-whores. For the most part, I was able to blow them off, but after a while, I think they began to get to me. I started to feel this almost empty, heartbroken feeling, but I know I did the right thing when I deconverted - I needed to do it!

 

Then how come I feel like I made the wrong move? I could never imagine myself hurting people by stealing their culture, and I hate missionaries so much - so why do I feel like I still should have been one? Why am I feeling a tinge of regret!?

 

 

Well I think maybe you're struggling between what you know what's right and what you feel is expected from other people. The two are colliding unfortunately.

 

It's clear that people don't know of your deconversion, and it's none of their business either way. How about telling them you feel god is leading you elsewhere. You need to find yourself before you know what you want to do. Something along those sort of lines and that sort of thing?

 

People of faith are for the most part very black and white thinkers. God says it, I believe it, that settles it type of mindset. They don't see how harmful they are being to others, their only goal and objective is to convert to Christ. The ends justify any means of getting there, after all worldly possessions and customs mean nothing compared to eternity. They rationalize it..

 

 

Pressure can be a lot in college as it is, I think perhaps people telling you what your path should be and pressuring you is causing stress and causing you to feel perhaps you're letting them down in some way. Kids change their majors all the time, Your life belongs to you, no one else can live it. You will never be happy obtaining someone else's goals or dreams for you. You need to run after your own. I wish you much luck in college Rhia.

[mwc]

Then how come I feel like I made the wrong move? I could never imagine myself hurting people by stealing their culture, and I hate missionaries so much - so why do I feel like I still should have been one? Why am I feeling a tinge of regret!?

 

As I said, I am such a huge douche-bag!

I've read so many of your other messages and now this one. The answer is you want to help people and when you don't you feel badly. These people say they are about helping people and since you aren't going along with them (that was your original "calling" after all) you feel bad.

 

Look at the reason you "walked out." You didn't want to hurt people by helping them since that would "[steal] their culture." You felt bad. Can you see the pattern here? It takes an amazing person to really, sincerely, want to help people as you do but you also have to step back and realize that you're not "bad" or a "douche-bag" if you don't.

 

mwc

[Mongo]

So as many of you may or may not know - I originally wanted to be a missionary back in my fundy days. For those who don't know - I was converted to Ass of god when I was 9, (from a formerly neo-pagan background) and felt that I was "called" to be a missionary from around the time I was 12.

 

...

 

As I said, I am such a huge douche-bag!

 

Rhia,

 

I'm surprised that you are able to see yourself (hopefully for a short time) in that way. You are one of the most nakedly sincere people on this forum and definitely not a douchebag.

 

That said, your posts suggest to me that you are a somewhat complex woman.

 

Your step-mom and her new husband complicates your life. Your school life is complicated by attending a xtian university. These issues, especially the latter don't make it easy for you to think freely as you are constantly being indoctrinated.

 

I find it interesting that you got saved at 9 and felt "the call" at age 12.

 

Do you think perhaps that you have a tendancy to "fit in" or belong?

 

Perhaps what you are feeling now is an unsettling feeling from not knowing what the future will hold while simultaneously being aware that if you went back to xtianity and put your name on a "sign up sheet" for ministry or missions or (fill in blank) that you would know how your life would unfold and feel more secure. I don't know.

 

Keep in mind that you (in particular) are in the marketing cauldron of xtianity. You are surrounded by people who are constantly spewing the same message track, "serve god", "seek his will" bla bla bla. This marketing machine is a very complex web of indoctrination that is intended to make you feel like you are missing something. This is absolutely no different from the blather you hear on TV about fabric softeners or I Phones. Your age group is a sponge for that tripe.

 

I suspect that what you are feeling is essentially the same thing as the Stockholm Syndrome. You have a natural desire to identify with the people that you spend a lot of time with. Wouldn't it be nice to have a coffee with someone and talk about your dreams to bring Jesus to all the unfortunate and disenfranchized people?

 

I remember this truly dear and sweet girl that I went to church with who once opined that she had a deep desire to go to Africa and feed the poor. The way she put it however, seemed rather unsettling for me. She would say that she not only wanted to help them but she wanted the experience of being there handing them food. I couldn't help but think, that this displayed a perverse desire to be or play god and I couldn't help but see it as aarogant and condescending. I found it a striking disconnect from the image of a sweet girl that she projected.

 

I still think of my friend as a nice person but one who didn't really think through (at least at that point in her life) the image she thought was idealic. I've long lost contact.

 

So Rhia, you are surrounded with images of "Wouldn't it be cool to do X?" It only seems natural to be drawn to that if you are constantly surrounded by that marketing.

 

Take 10 steps back, use your impecible intellegence and see it all for the imagery that it is.

 

Try to get intouch with that feeling in your gut to understand what is driving that desire and once you have some theories on it... think each of them through and don't over complicate and over think what is right for Rhia.

 

BTW - Are you getting enough face time with non-religious people?

 

Good luck! You are well liked here at Ex-C. Definitely not a douchebag.

 

Mongo

[GraphicsGuy]

Then how come I feel like I made the wrong move? I could never imagine myself hurting people by stealing their culture, and I hate missionaries so much - so why do I feel like I still should have been one? Why am I feeling a tinge of regret!?

 

It's always comforting to belong, to feel that sense of purpose, to feel like God needs you in some way to do something important for him. When you've believed for so many years that you're SUPPOSED to do something and then you don't do it, well I'm fairly certain parts of you rebel and remind you, "Hey! You were going to do that, remember?"

 

I guess I'm thinking that I'm not surprised that you see something of what you used to be and you miss it. I think that's pretty normal. Kind of like someone who quits smoking.

[white_raven23]

I was very strongly lectured about "tyrany in missions". I was told about the horrible things that Christian missionaries have done to destroy cultures and people, even resorting to murder to "save" people's souls.

 

The best thing you can do is remember the deeper contexts of that class.

 

It means that somewhere, sometime in Africa, an indiginous parent watched their only child die of malaria (or other nasty) while their friends and family around them abandoned their traditional culture, selling their souls, in exchange for eligibility for the medical benefits brought by christian missionaries.

 

Not only did they feel alone, they watched in grief as their traditional support system was taken apart before their eyes. The social bonds were broken as families were torn from the families who chose to keep to the old traditions, for fear how the association would been seen by the medical missionaries.

[Monk]

I dealt with the same thing when I left the military. I wanted so bad to make a difference, to fight. I felt like a warrior without a battle. I HATED being in the military and everything about it, and deep down I knew that it wasn't the right path for me. So, I got out. I was left adrift and without a purpose, so I was always searching for one (with no success). It wasn't long after that that I started to idealize the military, and even though deep down, I KNEW I hated the military and that I wouldn't be able to serve and protect people like I wanted to while I was enlisted, I still thought about going back.

 

Fortunately, my friends and family talked me out of it, and I have since healed and started pursuing other routes.

 

Trust me, there's more than one way to save the world. In my case, it wasn't the military. In your case, it isn't being a missionary. Give yourself time to heal, search outside your old box you were confined in, and, above all (as cheesy as it sounds) NEVER give up hope. Have the faith and confidence in yourself to realize that you made the right decision and that you WILL find a way to live the life of your dreams WITHOUT compromising the beautiful person you are.

 

You can do this. Stay strong.

[R. S. Martin]

Rhia, I'm glad you brought this up. Sometimes I feel a nostalgia for what I left behind. As I read your post I thought that might be what you're feeling. It looks like others think along the same lines. It's good to know I'm not the only one who gets these feelings.

[upstarter]

Oh Rhia, this post struck me at my core. I have not been a xtian for nearly 20 years and the one thing that I always felt I missed out on was missions. Once I wasn't xtian I thought I'd missed that chance to do the one thing I really felt called to do.

 

If I could go back and talk to myself at 20, I'd tell myself that there are ways for non-xtians to still make a difference in the world. There are non-religious organizations doing great things. You can go to Africa or Asia or the Middle East or wherever you are driven to go, with Peace Corp or the Red Cross or who knows... research and find organizations that are doing something that excites you.

 

You can still go and do great things without stealing anyone's culture or converting them to an imaginary religion. If you really feel "called" (and I don't mean by gawd, I mean being pulled by your own heart) to go out there and make a difference, you can still do it, without being a missionary.

 

Heather

[decafaholic]

We should talk. I was A/G too and 2 years ago I went to Southwestern Assemblies of God University for three semesters. it was not the greatest experience. I'm at a state college now. Your post was socreepy to me because I also felt called to the ministry at age 12 and later felt called to missions. I was fullyplanning on being a missionary to Mexico before I started thinking for myself. The A/G pushes missions big time.

Don't be so hard on yourself! Deconverting is a difficult process. I've been Exian for 5 months and I still feel like I haven't even begun to figure things out. Email me if you wanna talk more at serlock_99@yahoo.com

[Mythra]

I just have a brief comment about this feeling the "call" of God to do one thing or another.

 

In my 27 years as a born-again christian, do you have any idea how many people I've seen convinced that there was some "calling" in their life to go somewhere or start some program or enter the ministry or change jobs or make some other major life change?

 

And lots of times - the "call" turns out to be wrong. People thought they were following God's direction, but it was a dead end - or a big mistake - or sometimes a downright tragic mistake.

 

I saw it time and time again.

 

And the "who can know the mind of God" crap rings pretty hollow when your life gets really messed up because you "followed the call".

 

So, it would be more accurate to say "I was convinced that I was being called" or something like that. Because ultimately it's a person's own mind that's doing the "calling".

[Tealeaf]

Wow, once again I'm amazed at the completely pointless suffering of another person on this board.

 

The "call" popped up once in my family when an uncle of mine desided to jump up and become a born again nut bar..er..Christian. Completely destroyed the normal and healthy relationship my family had with a man who was as good as a human being you could ever hope for before 'god' destroyed his life. He lost his marriage as a result of becoming a nut job as well....

 

Yet despite alllllll of that, he still can't see he had it all before he met "god" in a dream etc. I honestly think he cries alone at night....cause he sure ain't got those who were always there for him around.

 

 

Anyway, try thinking of how all that religious shit will have absolutly no impact on the real world. It's only in your head.

 

And by the way, I think missionaries are quite possibley the evilest forms of scummy shitty excuses for human fucking being's to ever live. I see no difference between them and a group of Nazi's marching. So don't ever think you have to be one....k?

[Rhia]

Thank you everyone for your support - I really needed to know that I wasn't going mad.

 

I think it's more correct to say that I'm feeling nostalgia, since I don't typically struggle with this. I can ignore the Christian music on campus, and even grit my teeth and deal with the situation when I get a fundy from school adamantly telling me I need to "get right" with god; I'm looking back on this past week and the week previous and laughing to myself at how ironic it is - that one of the milestones in my deconversion is what I still have a mild tug towards.

 

It's true that I don't have much oppurtunity to interact with non-Christians. I do live with my boyfriend offcampus who is a fellow atheist, but he has yet to tell his parents, and the only other people we know are the Christians we attended school with.

 

My school does know that I'm not a Christian, as I let my advisor know when I first deconverted, and she kinda outed me. I was okay with it before most of my friends graduated, but this is my last semester and most of everyone I don't know - but for some reason (even though I only mention my non-belief either among my closest of friends or when asked) everyone knows who I am, and will not refer to me by my name, but as "the Atheist".

 

To quickly address the "saved at 9, called at 12" thing. At 9 I entered a very religious foster home courtesy of the State of Maine (US), and they immeadiately took me to church (Church of God), and made me a member. By the church's standards, I was saved at the moment I took membership. I didn't actually make a decision until after I felt "the call", which was a few years later. We had a missionary to the Dominican Republic come and talk to us at my Sunday school about his work - and I felt hooked from that day on. Looking back on it, I think it was more or less my desire to escape - to anywhere but where I was.

 

I didn't become officially "saved" until my foster parents changed churches (to A/G) and made me sit for a showing of Heaven's Gates & Hell's Flames. I was 13 at the time that I made the decision myself, Easter Sunday, 12th April, 1998 to be exact.

 

It's complicated, but it would make sense considering the amount of brainwashing I dealt with. Many people in the A/G seem to believe that when a child wants to be a pastor or missionary, and really seems to be serious about it - that they've come full-circle. It's the ultimate call to serve god, or even better in their sadistic eyes - to die for him.

 

Oh, and one other thing: I was accepted to Southwestern AGU - but my mom refused to let me go so far from home, and decided at the last minute that I could only attend colleges that were easily accessable by land - that had to be driven in no more than 12-24 hours. Texas was out of the question. I'd love to know more about the university at some point though; since I'm always a bit intrigued by the really religious colleges and what they allow/don't allow. My uni is known for being one of the most-liberal of Christian colleges. By the way, if anyone wants to see the college I go to, if it helps better understand why I deal with what I deal with; here's the link: Eastern University

 

Again, thank you everyone so much! It's really great to be able to vent to people who wont turn around and stab me in the back with their asinine bible verses.

[Medjool]

Hi, I just wanted to share my story because there are some similarities with yours...I, too, went to Eastern - 10 years ago (did I get that old so fast? wow...) - and I also felt 'called' to be a missionary. I was so passionate and giddy about missions and thought for sure this was the only thing for me to do in life. During my studies at Eastern, actually, was when my own deconversion started. Is Betsy Morgan still there? Dr. Corbett? They and many other profs were instrumental in teaching me to be genuine in what I believe, and eventually being genuine is what got me out of my superstitious faith and into the world of reality. By the time I graduated, I was still a Bible major (it was too late to change my major and I just wanted to be done by then), but I didn't want to be a missionary anymore. I looked into some of the more useful, less evangelical missions, like the Friends' Service Committee and others like that, but still couldn't settle Xtian work with my conscience. The Peace Corps was the only thing left that looked attractive to me, but I'm not totally sure why I didn't apply. I think I was starting to become concerned about what it meant to show up in a poor country with my rich, American ideals.

 

Anyways, after graduation, I felt like I'd lost my life's calling by not going into missions, and I had no idea what to do with myself anymore. It was like my life had no future anymore. I ended up going into counseling for 2 years over the depression that this loss caused me, and finally I got a job at a philanthropic organization in Philly that was fun work. But that was years ago, and I have since moved from Philly. I still haven't found work that would give me as much 'meaning' as I had thought missions would, but of course I'll never go back to that whole missions world. I am still trying to figure out what to do 'when I grow up'.

 

I think my original desire to do missions came from a couple of things about my personality: one is that I love to travel and I love other cultures (I ended up minoring in Anthropology at Eastern, the first year it was offered as a minor there!) and the other is that I do truly desire to do service work. I am looking into becoming an ESL teacher in the public schools whenever we move back to the U.S. I am lucky enough to live overseas now (my husband's work) and can enjoy living in another culture and exploring the option of teaching here.

[Rhia]

Well hello fellow deconvert from Eastern!

 

Yes, Betsy is still here, but I've never heard of the other professor. Betsy was recently promoted to Dean of Arts & Sciences, but will still teach specialty courses. I took my capstone with her last semester. It was interesting enough to say the least - she seemed a bit sad that yet another Eastern student had taken the route of leaving Christianity, but seemed convinced (and had no problem vocalizing it to the class) that she believed I was still in my heart a Christian and there was no way that I would be sent to hell.

 

You took anthropology, which is amazing. Did you study under Eloise Meneses, by any chance, or was it still when it was only Chris Hummer? Dr. Meneses is my advisor, practically like a third mom since my both my others are so far away. She still teases me about the day we first met, when I walked straight into her office, plunked down my major card (after only being a freshman for 2 weeks) and asked her to sign me onto the missions track because I "knew" I was going to be a missionary to Israel. I feel really grateful that she still respects me after hearing me vent and cry as went through my very quick deconversion (it took me about 6 months to go from start to finish once it began). Although to this day she jokes about trying to re-evangelize me, she also has made no effort to push me back to Christianity.

 

The major has changed quite a bit, it's now called "Missions and Anthropology" (which it will say on my degree, much to my eternal shame). They mixed the two together and require that one take a mix of core courses and then choose a "track". I was lucky enough to have an advisor who was kind enough to believe me when I said that I felt taking missions classes would be detrimental to all involved, from the prof to the other students to myself and my GPA; so I've got quite a few execeptions to college policy that have gotten me out of that sticky situation.

 

It's nice to see I'm not one of the only ones who left from Eastern.

[upstarter]

I think I was starting to become concerned about what it meant to show up in a poor country with my rich, American ideals.

 

While I completely get that, and have to say how refreshing it is to hear an American be that self aware, there is something to be said for sharing your American wealth (whether it be money, talents or sweat) with a poor country. You can leave you ideals at home, but there's no reason not to share what you have. Just because we have abandoned the fairy tale religion doesn't mean we have to throw out anything we think smacks of xtianity. Surely helping people doesn't have to be the sole purview of xtianity.

 

Heather

[R. S. Martin]

I think I was starting to become concerned about what it meant to show up in a poor country with my rich, American ideals.

 

While I completely get that, and have to say how refreshing it is to hear an American be that self aware, there is something to be said for sharing your American wealth (whether it be money, talents or sweat) with a poor country. You can leave you ideals at home, but there's no reason not to share what you have. Just because we have abandoned the fairy tale religion doesn't mean we have to throw out anything we think smacks of xtianity. Surely helping people doesn't have to be the sole purview of xtianity.

 

Heather

 

 

Heather, you are not suggesting that Canada is a "poor country," are you???

 

As a Canadian, I don't consider myself qualified to speak for people from "poor countries."

 

Perhaps you immigrated from a "poor country." If so, you may have qualifications I don't. If not, I think a stuffy Canadian is just as bad as a stuffy American.

[Medjool]

I think I was starting to become concerned about what it meant to show up in a poor country with my rich, American ideals.

 

While I completely get that, and have to say how refreshing it is to hear an American be that self aware, there is something to be said for sharing your American wealth (whether it be money, talents or sweat) with a poor country. You can leave you ideals at home, but there's no reason not to share what you have. Just because we have abandoned the fairy tale religion doesn't mean we have to throw out anything we think smacks of xtianity. Surely helping people doesn't have to be the sole purview of xtianity.

 

Heather

 

 

Heather, I agree with you. But at the time (10 years ago), I might not have agreed, because I was leaving religion and was feeling like I didn't know who to trust - I was feeling like any organized group had a self-serving agenda, and I needed to separate myself from that world altogether for awhile. I feel that there is a lot of sensitivity that is needed in this line of work, and people don't always join with the purest of intentions. I know that I wouldn't have, that I would have had a hard time 'leaving my ideals at home'. But I now believe this is the kind of stuff that can be worked out while on the field; sometimes being there is the first thing to do, and then use the opportunity while there to determine how much of one's work is for the local needs, and how much of it is for one's own personal need to be 'righteous'. It's a good process.

 

Sorry, Rhia, for hijacking your post, I didn't mean to! Anyways, I don't remember Chris Hummer. Dr. Meneses was the only anthropology prof that I had, and at the time, they tacked on some other non-anthropology classes that were loosely related to create the minor. I don't remember there being a missions major, either, to be honest. I think people going into missions would major in theology or the ever-dubious Youth Ministries major (it still amazes me that they offered that). I'm so sorry to hear Betsy Morgan said that about you still being a Xtian in your heart. Weird. I was still in process while I was at Eastern, and never talked to anybody about my journey out of the faith, but I did always think of (or hope for) Betsy as a little more understanding of this kind of thing.

 

Dr. Corbett was professor of a course called Communicating Across Cultures, I TA'd for this course, and I deeply appreciated him, even though he was all about missions. He asked us once in class how we ever expected to truly converse with, and truly hear, somebody of a different faith or culture if we had a personal agenda for converting others in our heart. I think he meant it as a challenge to be a Xtian who could have this kind of commincation in the world, but the question stumped me to the point that I just could not answer it! I consider it as one of the nice stepping stones out of the church for me.

 

It is so great to hear about your journey - I am impressed that you have been so open on campus about your deconversion. Even for a 'liberal' place like Eastern, that is very brave. It's kind of healing for me to hear about it. All of my dearest friends from Eastern are still considering themselves Xtians, still of the very liberal, social-activist kind, but it is strange that nobody else has seen the faith for the myth that it is. They cling to the faith by threads, it's confounding.