william Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 My grandfather passed away several months ago(around May), while I was still in Edinburgh trying to overcome my depression. It was not until recently that I knew of this. I feel rather mixed to be honest. I feel slightly hurt at being unable to attend his funeral, as much as I didn't, as planned graduate from university. He once said he may not be around to see me graduate, now he definitely won't. My depression finally hit me hard when I was no longer able to continue at uni. I ended up in hospital for two weeks, after a rather dubious failure of a suicide attempt.(Come on, let's be honest. Who in the world would go and try to plan a suicide two days later, AND tell his psychotherapist the day before, AND appear at the psychotherapy clinic, when it was obvious that the police would be called in...) As a grandson, I think I was good enough, and there is no shame in that. But knowing now he won't see me graduate at all just hurts, real bad. I don't know if it is guilt, but somehow I just feel bad that I didn't graduate, and show him my certificate. I suppose I am in the process of grieving, I miss him, a lot. He is not exactly the closest person ever, but he is the only grandfather I ever had.(My father's father passed long before I was born) I want to believe that he is now resting in peace, watching over me. But then that itself is a fantasy, one that is dangerous to pursue. As much as the fact I want to protect myself from weakening enough to fall into x'ianity or the like. I suppose he already did well, smoking for almost 70 years and not get lung cancer, no Parkinson's. Active as ever, for his age- flying from New York to Hong Kong every year... Eat well, sleep well, so I suppose I can't ask for more. Besides, I think I'll feel a lot worst if I was still a x'ian and that by definition he would be burning in hell... At least now I can say that he lives in our memories, and the legacy he left behind. Thanks for reading, I just wanted to get this off my chest. It's better than telling my x'ian fanatic uncle... WAY BETTER!
Skiergirl24 Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 So sorry to hear about your grandfather. Take things one day at a time...sometimes that is all you can do. My grandfather passed away several months ago(around May), while I was still in Edinburgh trying to overcome my depression. It was not until recently that I knew of this. I feel rather mixed to be honest. I feel slightly hurt at being unable to attend his funeral, as much as I didn't, as planned graduate from university. He once said he may not be around to see me graduate, now he definitely won't. My depression finally hit me hard when I was no longer able to continue at uni. I ended up in hospital for two weeks, after a rather dubious failure of a suicide attempt.(Come on, let's be honest. Who in the world would go and try to plan a suicide two days later, AND tell his psychotherapist the day before, AND appear at the psychotherapy clinic, when it was obvious that the police would be called in...) As a grandson, I think I was good enough, and there is no shame in that. But knowing now he won't see me graduate at all just hurts, real bad. I don't know if it is guilt, but somehow I just feel bad that I didn't graduate, and show him my certificate. I suppose I am in the process of grieving, I miss him, a lot. He is not exactly the closest person ever, but he is the only grandfather I ever had.(My father's father passed long before I was born) I want to believe that he is now resting in peace, watching over me. But then that itself is a fantasy, one that is dangerous to pursue. As much as the fact I want to protect myself from weakening enough to fall into x'ianity or the like. I suppose he already did well, smoking for almost 70 years and not get lung cancer, no Parkinson's. Active as ever, for his age- flying from New York to Hong Kong every year... Eat well, sleep well, so I suppose I can't ask for more. Besides, I think I'll feel a lot worst if I was still a x'ian and that by definition he would be burning in hell... At least now I can say that he lives in our memories, and the legacy he left behind. Thanks for reading, I just wanted to get this off my chest. It's better than telling my x'ian fanatic uncle... WAY BETTER!
R. S. Martin Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 (Come on, let's be honest. Who in the world would go and try to plan a suicide two days later, AND tell his psychotherapist the day before, AND appear at the psychotherapy clinic, when it was obvious that the police would be called in...) Lots and lots of people. It's so common that it's one of the signs professionals look for. It's called a "cry for help." You sound like a pretty normal young man, caught in a seriously unhappy situation, responding in a very normal human manner. Don't beat yourself up for being human. Am I reading correctly? You say he died in May and you were told only now? Is that correct? Is there a reason you weren't told at the time? I think you have reason to be upset.
Amethyst Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 My grandfather passed away several months ago(around May), while I was still in Edinburgh trying to overcome my depression. It was not until recently that I knew of this. I feel rather mixed to be honest. I feel slightly hurt at being unable to attend his funeral, as much as I didn't, as planned graduate from university. He once said he may not be around to see me graduate, now he definitely won't. I think 1, They probably thought they were doing you a favor to not tell you bad news at a time when you were emotionally vulnerable. 2, IMO you should've been told gently, and given the opportunity to attend his funeral with someone. He was your grandfather, after all, and you didn't have a chance to say goodbye properly. As a grandson, I think I was good enough, and there is no shame in that. But knowing now he won't see me graduate at all just hurts, real bad. I don't know if it is guilt, but somehow I just feel bad that I didn't graduate, and show him my certificate. I suppose I am in the process of grieving, I miss him, a lot. I would say you are definitely in the grieving process, and guilt is often a part of it. Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about this? I'd suggest finding someone if you haven't. A diary can help too if you're more comfortable with writing than talking.
william Posted November 8, 2007 Author Posted November 8, 2007 My grandfather passed away several months ago(around May), while I was still in Edinburgh trying to overcome my depression. It was not until recently that I knew of this. I feel rather mixed to be honest. I feel slightly hurt at being unable to attend his funeral, as much as I didn't, as planned graduate from university. He once said he may not be around to see me graduate, now he definitely won't. I think 1, They probably thought they were doing you a favor to not tell you bad news at a time when you were emotionally vulnerable. 2, IMO you should've been told gently, and given the opportunity to attend his funeral with someone. He was your grandfather, after all, and you didn't have a chance to say goodbye properly. As a grandson, I think I was good enough, and there is no shame in that. But knowing now he won't see me graduate at all just hurts, real bad. I don't know if it is guilt, but somehow I just feel bad that I didn't graduate, and show him my certificate. I suppose I am in the process of grieving, I miss him, a lot. I would say you are definitely in the grieving process, and guilt is often a part of it. Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about this? I'd suggest finding someone if you haven't. A diary can help too if you're more comfortable with writing than talking. Actually... Not many knew my depression either back then, I really did genuinely believe that I was walking out and making good progress. Even though they couldn't catch me on the phone, I think I should at least have been told by email. There would've been no stopping me booking that plane to NY... On a side note, no matter how I don't want to admit it, I feel I should say a thank-you to my psychotherapist... It's just dang weird.
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