What Do I Do About Annoying Emails From My Dad?

[chaddjohnson]

My dad keeps sending me crap like this, and it's driving me nuts.

 

I heard a quote from a preacher on the radio yesterday morning that I thought was good.

 

Many people try to understand God- this quote is interesting...

 

"Any God who is small enough to fit into your brain, is not big enough to meet your needs."

 

I have not yet formally declared that I am an atheist (and I am not sure I want to open a can of worms either--and frankly it's none of his business). I want to tell him that I wish him to stop sending me this stuff, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. My parents divorced a long time ago, and I have only had email communication with him for the past 1.5 years, plus he is a pretty insecure person, so it's touchy.

 

What do I do?

[OldApostate]

I want to tell him that I wish him to stop sending me this stuff, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. My parents divorced a long time ago, and I have only had email communication with him for the past 1.5 years, plus he is a pretty insecure person, so it's touchy.

 

What do I do?

 

Set up a spam file just for emails that contain the word "god." Look at the emails there about every other day so you can get it all over in one quick and painful go.

 

I find such things annoying as well, but under your circumstances, I would just try to minimize the annoyance of it by minimizing your contact to it. I never found any need to "come out," especially where feelings might be hurt, but I've had to learn to be tolerant of god spam from the people I care about. If he's as touchy as you say, you risk the relationship, and it sounds like that might not be a desirable risk.

[mwc]

I have not yet formally declared that I am an atheist (and I am not sure I want to open a can of worms either--and frankly it's none of his business). I want to tell him that I wish him to stop sending me this stuff, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. My parents divorced a long time ago, and I have only had email communication with him for the past 1.5 years, plus he is a pretty insecure person, so it's touchy.

 

What do I do?

What kind of relationship do you wish to have with your dad?

 

Really think about that and it will help you decide what to do.

 

From what you describe you don't have a very "deep" relationship as it is now (email only) and yet you're worried about his insecurities. Why is this all about him? If you want this relationship to grow then it is going to be about the two of you. You as an atheist and him as a xian(?). If you can accept that arrangement then the next step is to see if he can accept it. If he can then you tell him to stop sending those emails and go from there. If he can't then you've lost an email relationship and possibly a real life relationship that would have been based on you hiding who you are (forever for fear of his insecurities which are his responsibility to "fix" and not your "job" to work around) and him openly being who he is. That sounds rather one sided and unfulfilling.

 

Anyhow, those are just some thoughts. It's really up to you as to what you should ultimately do. I just don't think you're doing yourself any favors in this particular situation by tip-toeing around based on the information you've provided.

 

mwc

[chaddjohnson]

I think the reason he is sending those emails is because he knows I don't believe any more as he does, I was his little boy a long time ago, I am grown up now, and things are not as he expected (a happy, Christian son).

 

Would the following be good to say? "Dad...I understand your concern for me. I have my reasons for believing what I believe, though. I really feel these emails are getting in the way of a possible relationship between you and me. Is there any way you could hold off on sending those and we focus more on our relationship? I would greatly appreciate that."

[Deva]

I think the reason he is sending those emails is because he knows I don't believe any more as he does, I was his little boy a long time ago, I am grown up now, and things are not as he expected (a happy, Christian son).

 

Would the following be good to say? "Dad...I understand your concern for me. I have my reasons for believing what I believe, though. I really feel these emails are getting in the way of a possible relationship between you and me. Is there any way you could hold off on sending those and we focus more on our relationship? I would greatly appreciate that."

 

How about saying "Dad..I understand your concern for me, but could you please stop sending me religiously oriented e-mails?

[SWIM]

It is easier really to get into meaningful debate through the mail, less charged emotions.

 

Why not answer his questions logically, then also respond with counter questions? Keep it civil and calm, who knows, he may actually stop sending you mail, or he may start to think outside the box.

 

Worth a try?

[chaddjohnson]

It is easier really to get into meaningful debate through the mail, less charged emotions.

 

Why not answer his questions logically, then also respond with counter questions? Keep it civil and calm, who knows, he may actually stop sending you mail, or he may start to think outside the box.

 

Worth a try?

 

That's a possibility. Using the Socratic method might actually be a good idea. Here is a conversation I once had with him...I did not ask questions though.

 

His initial email:

very interesting...

 

KNOW THESE FACTS?

>

> Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!

 

>

>

> "Be not deceived; God is not mocked:

> for whatsoever a man soweth,

> that shall he also reap.

>

>

> Here are some men and women

> who mocked God:

>

>

> John Lennon (Singer):

>

> Some years before, during his interview with an American Magazine, he said:

>

> "Christianity will end, it will disappear.

> I do not have to argue about

> that. I am certain.

>

> Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple, Today we are more famous

> than Him" (1966).

>

> Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ,

> was shot six times.

>

>

> Tancredo Neves (President of Brazil ):

> During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes from his

> party, not even God would remove him from Presidency.

>

> Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made President,

> then he died

>

>

>

> Cazuza (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):

>

>

> During A show in Canecio ( Rio de Janeiro ),

>

> while smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said:

> "God, that's for you."

>

> He died at the age of 32 of AIDS in a horrible manner.

>

>

> The man who built the Titanic

>

> After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the Titanic

> would be.

>

> With an ironic tone he said:

> "Not even God can sink it"

>

> The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic ..

>

>

> Marilyn Monroe (Actress)

>

> She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show.

> He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her.

> After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said:

> "I don't need your Jesus".

>

> A week later, she was found dead in her apartment ..

>

> Bon Scott (Singer)

> The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:

> "Don't stop me, I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell".

>

> On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he had been choked

> by his own vomit.

>

> Campinas (IN 2005)

> In Campinas, Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend.....

>

> The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the

> drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter holding her hand,

> who was already seated in the car:

>

> "My Daughter, Go With God And May He Protect You.."

> She responded: "Only If He (God) Travels In The Trunk, Cause Inside

> Here....It's Already Full "

>

> Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident,

> everyone had died,

> the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but

> surprisingly, the trunk was intact.

>

> The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained intact. To

> their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs, none was broken .

>

> Christine Hewitt (Jamaican Journalist and entertainer) said the Bible (Word

> of God) was the worst book ever written.

>

> In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her motor vehicle .

>

> Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that

> was given so much authority as the name of Jesus.

>

> Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive .

>

> "Jesus"

>

> I have done my part, Jesus said

>

> "If you are embarrassed about me,

>

> I will also be embarrassed about you before my father"

> I'M TOLD THIS WORKS!!!!! Bishop TD. Jakes "8 Second Prayer" Just repeat

> this prayer and see how God moves!!

>

>

> "Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless me, my

> family, my home, and my friends, in Jesus' name. Amen."

 

My response:

Correlation != causation.

 

His response:

(My Name)

What does that mean?

Love,

Dad

 

My response:

!= means not equal in various programming languages.

 

I'm sorry I was a bit rude. I hear things like this all the time. People claim that because one thing followed another the former must have caused the latter, and this is not very reliable.

 

Look at the picture I attached. It clearly conveys how a decline in the number of pirates correlates with an increase in global warming -- but this clearly is nonsensical.

 

That is not to say Christianity is nonsensical, but it does say (to me) that some Christians are irrational in their beliefs. Believing things haphazardly is a bad idea.

 

His response:

(My Name)

I love you,

Dad

[chaddjohnson]

Michael, love your sig by the way. Hilarious.

[SWIM]

Michael, love your sig by the way. Hilarious.

 

 

Thanks.

 

His last response was clearly a "back out". Perhaps a reply with similar things might have helped as well. Like, well all the BABIES on the titanic that are innocent in god's eyes, drowning and freezing slowly in the north atlantic? Or perhaps a list of xtian crimes? Plenty of lists out there, things like the crusades, spanish inquistion, witch burnings, those are just off the top of my head.

 

The key is to be diplomatic, make statements in the form of though provoking questions.

 

Due to his final answer to the above email thread, you won that go round..

 

Remember, when you least expect it, the Burger King will supersize you with the rest of his flock... That antichrist ronald mcdonald will burn in fryer grease forever! Glory!

[twincats]

I have a fundy aunt (to whom I am not "out" as an apostate) who forwards me all sorts of pro-war, anti-immigration (i.e. thinly veiled hispanic hate ranting) missives. Mind you, I think the "War on Terr'r" is BS and have happily lived in southern California with hispanic immigrants, both legal and illegal, all of my life, so these emails are annoying and irritating to me. I can just imagine what I could expect if she knew I kicked the Jesus habit!

 

I tend to just make fun of them.

 

For instance, when she forwarded an excerpt from an "article" (no citation about where it was originally published or who wrote it, naturally) about how NAFTA provided for an 8-lane superhighway to be built from Mexico to Canada thru the center of the U.S. I replied that we already have not one, but two of those originating in California, for all practical purposes (US 5, on which you can go from the Tijuana to Vancouver and US 15 which will take you from near the Mexican border nearly to Ottawa) and besides, we here in the US get PLENTY of use out of them, so what harm could another such highway really do? Never got an answer, or even another forwarded message about it.

[mwc]

I think the reason he is sending those emails is because he knows I don't believe any more as he does, I was his little boy a long time ago, I am grown up now, and things are not as he expected (a happy, Christian son).

Are you saying you're unhappy and he thinks being xian will turn that around or are you saying this is what you think is his perception of you is?

 

Would the following be good to say? "Dad...I understand your concern for me. I have my reasons for believing what I believe, though. I really feel these emails are getting in the way of a possible relationship between you and me. Is there any way you could hold off on sending those and we focus more on our relationship? I would greatly appreciate that."

I'd say if this is accurate then send it although I would change "these emails" to "religious emails" or something more specific since you want to remove as much ambiguity as possible (like when you used the "!=" assuming he'd understand the programming lingo).

 

Not that this should be a final version but just to quickly alter your version "Dad...I really feel these religious emails are getting in the way of a possible relationship between you and me. Is there any way we could just focus on our relationship without all the religion? I would greatly appreciate that."

 

I just wanted to try to use your words so that it was "yours." I made it a little more concise.

 

mwc

[chaddjohnson]

Are you saying you're unhappy and he thinks being xian will turn that around or are you saying this is what you think is his perception of you is?

 

That is what I envision his perception of what the me that takes the non-Christian route will be. I guess it was not fair to make a flat out assumption like that though.

 

I'd say if this is accurate then send it although I would change "these emails" to "religious emails" or something more specific since you want to remove as much ambiguity as possible (like when you used the "!=" assuming he'd understand the programming lingo).

 

Good catch. And the programming lingo was kind of dumb on my part...don't know what I was thinking. I guess I read Slashdot too much

[chaddjohnson]

Guess what? He emailed me AGAIN! Second time this week! This is just too much...I'm pissed. I'm going to respond to him nicely, and if he doesn't stop, I'm going to be pissy with him.

 

It's time for us to take a stand against this shit.

[chaddjohnson]

Well, I finally emailed him, and apparently I've pissed him off and or hut his feelings.

 

Me:

Dad...I really feel these religious emails are getting in the way of a possible relationship between you and me. Is there any way we could just focus on our relationship without these types of emails? I would greatly appreciate that. If my views are ever to change, that will happen in my own time and at my own pace.

 

Whatever you want. This relationship has always been on your

terms anyway.

Love,

Dad

 

What a father, huh? Is that not selfish? Was my request unreasonable, or was it presented poorly?

 

This is why I don't like religion: it gets in the way of a relationship with my father, and it promotes discommunity. I have not seen my dad in person since 1996, and he treats me this way. He's lucky as hell I'm even talking to him.

 

I just love it how Christians claim they are tolerant and that they "love" others which they in fact are intolerant or others who hold different views. Bigots. To any Christians out there reading this: this is one of the very reasons why I despise and reject your religion as well as some of you.

[chaddjohnson]

Any suggestions on what to say now? I'd like to have a relationship with him but cut out all the shoving of stuff in my face. Perhaps this is not possible...

[webmdave]

Your father sounds like my father-in-law in the way he deals with his children. We're nearly 50 and he's still sending recorded sermons and bizarre letters testifying to his faith. He's in his 70s. It's fairly obvious that he will never change.

[chaddjohnson]

Your father sounds like my father-in-law in the way he deals with his children. We're nearly 50 and he's still sending recorded sermons and bizarre letters testifying to his faith. He's in his 70s. It's fairly obvious that he will never change.

 

True. When we get our dispositions in tact and our memories engraved deeply, it is very difficult to modify those memories.

 

Well, my dad sent another email to alleviate the tension a little, so I sent him a very long email explaining how I felt. For the record, I'll try to respond when relatively soon when/if things get ironed out. The email I sent was geared toward openness. Here is an excerpt:

 

If you could be more willing to discuss things openly, I would be willing to make an active attempt at being more fair and non-harsh. I do not like emails, though, that tell me in an objective manner that evolution is false or that the Bible must be interpreted in a particular way--that says to me that the writer thinks I am incapable of thinking things through and critically thinking about ideas. It also says to me that the writer is biased, is unwilling and/or afraid to discuss things openly, and is possibly lacking in knowledge. If those articles, however, were written without bias, I would accept them. Is this, for instance, not better?

 

"There is possible evidence of a global flood as seashells have been found on mountain tops. An open discussion thread has been opened at [some URL]. All people are invited to participate, but we request everyone be respectful of others and stay on topic."

 

Is is not better to include people rather than exclude them? What if we are making an assumption about the seashells' being there, and our assumption is false? Do we even care, or do we just want to throw facts together in order to convince ourselves and others into believing something?

[mwc]

Whatever you want. This relationship has always been on your

terms anyway.

Love,

Dad

 

What a father, huh? Is that not selfish? Was my request unreasonable, or was it presented poorly?

 

This is why I don't like religion: it gets in the way of a relationship with my father, and it promotes discommunity. I have not seen my dad in person since 1996, and he treats me this way. He's lucky as hell I'm even talking to him.

 

I just love it how Christians claim they are tolerant and that they "love" others which they in fact are intolerant or others who hold different views. Bigots. To any Christians out there reading this: this is one of the very reasons why I despise and reject your religion as well as some of you.

Based on all that you've said so far I would have probably followed up and asked your dad if he truly meant by his statement. I would have also told him that was doing this because I was interested in knowing what kind of father/son relationship he would like. Since it seems that all things to do with religion seems to always end in a disagreement/argument you simply feel it would be best to not discuss any of that and focus on building up your personal relationship. I would ask if it any of this would be possible or is religion mandatory in order to be in a relationship with him? If so, then you might have to reconsider since there's not point in just debating these things endlessly (if that's your position). Otherwise I'd say let's talk about other things (whatever things you guys talk about or want to start talking about).

 

I didn't type it this time so you'd have to do a little more than cut and paste it. Besides, I'm not trying to put words into your mouth but give some advice based on the things you've been saying. But I can tell you that you're going to get nowhere with the emails you're sending back and forth now. Understand that if your dad agrees to this, and sticks to it that you'll have to as well by not mentioning your "side" (and if he "slips up" don't retaliate just ignore it and see if it was an honest mistake or if he's "testing the waters" to see if he can send more crap again...if he does send more then just remind him of the agreement and if he doesn't back off just tell him you're done talking until he apologizes for breaking the deal and stop talking but don't start the debate/arguments since that's what he wants at that point for some reason...you need to be the stronger one in that case).

 

mwc

[chaddjohnson]

Well, so after I sent that long email which I took a couple hours to meticulously write on my Friday night (when I could have been watching a movie, playing Halo, out with friends, etc.), he basically sent me his testimony. So I replied with

Ok. I am interested in a relationship, but I don't want every other email to be centered Christian/secular/God things, and I would prefer to not have biased emails forwarded to me anymore. That's all I ask.

 

and his reply:

I love you (My Name),

Dad

 

So oh well. I guess I will not have a good relationship with my father. His (+religion's) fault, not mine. It's unfortunate that religion draws lines between people and within families like this. I mean in my job, everyone is a Christian (and I the only non-Christian), but they have never pushed anything on me. I don't understand why my dad can't be like that. If he really believes his stuff, he could focus on being an example through his life rather than relying on empty words (he's so insecure that I really don't think his god makes him all that much happier).

 

Thanks everyone for the help and support. Very much appreciated.

[Sparrow]

...

...

What do I do?

...

...

What to do?

 

Tell the truth, tell it quick. Don't explain, don't complain.

 

If you don't believe any more then say it "Dad, there is no god."

 

If they want to discuss then it's up to you. You have an extensive library of rhetoric hear that you can lean on. Alternately you can turn it round on your father and ask simply "You don't really believe that, do you?" so he explains.

 

Be proud, be honest, be forthright. Ask him about invidible magic sky dady's who never provide in this life what they've promised to provide.

 

Thanks

 

Spatz

[Grandpa Harley]

My dad keeps sending me crap like this, and it's driving me nuts.

 

I heard a quote from a preacher on the radio yesterday morning that I thought was good.

 

Many people try to understand God- this quote is interesting...

 

"Any God who is small enough to fit into your brain, is not big enough to meet your needs."

 

I have not yet formally declared that I am an atheist (and I am not sure I want to open a can of worms either--and frankly it's none of his business). I want to tell him that I wish him to stop sending me this stuff, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. My parents divorced a long time ago, and I have only had email communication with him for the past 1.5 years, plus he is a pretty insecure person, so it's touchy.

 

What do I do?

 

Any God that gets offended is to small to bother to worship...

[Grandpa Harley]

Well, so after I sent that long email which I took a couple hours to meticulously write on my Friday night (when I could have been watching a movie, playing Halo, out with friends, etc.), he basically sent me his testimony. So I replied with

Ok. I am interested in a relationship, but I don't want every other email to be centered Christian/secular/God things, and I would prefer to not have biased emails forwarded to me anymore. That's all I ask.

 

and his reply:

I love you (My Name),

Dad

 

So oh well. I guess I will not have a good relationship with my father. His (+religion's) fault, not mine. It's unfortunate that religion draws lines between people and within families like this. I mean in my job, everyone is a Christian (and I the only non-Christian), but they have never pushed anything on me. I don't understand why my dad can't be like that. If he really believes his stuff, he could focus on being an example through his life rather than relying on empty words (he's so insecure that I really don't think his god makes him all that much happier).

 

Thanks everyone for the help and support. Very much appreciated.

 

 

Did you consider the response...

 

I love you too, Dad

?

[chaddjohnson]

Did you consider the response...

 

I love you too, Dad

?

You're probably right...I should say that. I'll do that. I've tended to not say that to loved ones very much since I've gone off on a different path...but it's definitely still important.

 

Ok, apparently he thought I was calling his last email biased, so I clarified that that with him, and things seem a bit better.

 

I need to stop posting here with every email--I'm making this thread too long. Sorry about that.

[Epicurienne]

My dad occasionally does that to me. (I should note here: my parents are politically conservative and Catholic - having converted to Catholicism from the Episcopal church about 10 years ago. I've been irreverent most of my life, except for a 4-year Christian period.)

 

Anyway, when I get a religious or right-wing political e-mail from my dad, I just hit Reply and type in

 

?????

 

and then hit Send.

 

I've gotten a lot fewer Christian and/or right-wing e-mails since then.

 

I think my parents know my beliefs are 180 degrees away from theirs...and they know I know....but we never talk about it. I'm too glad of the peace it affords us to regret the lack of openness in the relationship.

[Grandpa Harley]

It's usually pointless picking a fight with parents, unless one is prepared to go all the way to mutually assured destruction...