Only God Can Help

[Hineni]

My eldest sister is praying for me...every single day. Apparently it's the cross she bears for my damned soul....only God can help me now, according to her.

 

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder last November. Just a couple of weeks before I was unwillingly put into the local "stress unit" (lock down), I told her that I didn't believe in her god and that I couldn't bear listening to people go on about the Christian god (I am surrounded by them). I was calm, outwardly, but inside I was in a hurry all over. I also told her that I had been drinking every night to cope. It was a mixture of childhood abuse and letting go of God ( and that god wasn't there during all the abuse and never helped).

 

She couldn't see that her "loving" words were killing me.

 

I told her that I needed help, that something had to be done before I lost it. Well, I walked over the edge last November and was committed to the hospital. They gave me pills to "calm" me (I stopped the pills after one week...not my thing), and after my mind settled I called my sister, thinking she'd be happy that I was finally getting the help I needed.

 

Not to upset her, I didn't tell her that I'd attempted suicide, just said that I was in the stress unit and finally getting help. She dominated the conversation with things like, "I ran into aunt Anita and told her what you told me and we are both praying for you...as are our churches. Anita, like me, thinks it's just the alcohol, and that you're just delusional. Those doctors down there don't know what they're doing. They'll just dope you up and you'll be a zombie like aunt Betty (aunt Betty has developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, due to similar childhood abuse and is close to my age). Only God can help you, now. I'll pray for you everyday. He's gotten you this far without harm (WTF!!!!), He'll bring you back."(from non-belief).

 

Gritting my teeth (near to breaking them) shaking to the point of dropping the phone, all I could muster through my tears was, "Okay..listen, I've gotta go, someone needs the phone."

 

Walking back to my room, I felt numb...non-exsisting. She doesn't realize that I have an honest to goodness disorder that I can't just snap my god-damned fingers and be better. All of my sisters (3 of them) live in the town where the abuse took place (my husband works in the same town) and I can't even bring myself to go there..when I do, I start with the damn tremors (one would think that I had Parkinson's..no kidding), feel as if my throat is closing up, feel as if I'm gonna die....but only God can help me now.

 

I haven't talk with my sister in a year. We've never (in our adult lives) been at odds with each other. She can have her god, I've no problem with that, but she lacks understanding of PTSD and doesn't realize her words are triggers for me....but I know she loves me....it's very difficult. I saw her, my nephew and her husband in a movie rental store 2 months ago. I didn't even notice that I had walked by my brother-in-law ( I tend not to look at people directly...shy), my husband noticed him and started talking to him. I apologized to him for not noticing him, and he just looked away from me and never said a word. I spotted my sister, she turned just enough to see me and just motioned her child to the counter and left. I was willing to talk to her, if nothing but, "Hey, how are you?".....nothing.

Of course the anxiety attack set in and I had to go to the car.

 

I dream of her and the conversation almost nightly...when I can actually sleep. The dreams spill over into waking, and the attacks aren't far behind. I guess I'm writing this hear for some sort of healing purpose....I dunno........just saying.........

[Dhampir]

Hmm... As insightful as I can be, for me to comment much on this subject at present would just be arrogant. I suggest you talk to Ruby Sera and others who can more easily relate about this, I think they would have some more direct experience with it.

[dr_funkenstein]

Is there any way you can have your doctor talk to her and explain that she's being a moron?

[R. S. Martin]

Hmm... As insightful as I can be, for me to comment much on this subject at present would just be arrogant. I suggest you talk to Ruby Sera and others who can more easily relate about this, I think they would have some more direct experience with it.

 

Thanks for the reference, Dhampir. Every case is different when you get to this level of pain and abuse.

 

Hineni, the abuse is on-going by the sounds of it. Your sister wouldn't talk to you. That is abuse. Really, I don't understand it but it is not love. Via this board I got the strength and support to cut contact with my family and stand up to them. They keep invading my space, sending me letters, making phone calls. And it sounds like this is the exact opposite of your sisters.

 

I am on meds for mental health issues and have been suicidal. I did not have the courage to attempt it. It sounds like your body is in a seriously weakened condition right now. Thus, I do not feel qualified to comment at all on that end of things. I don't know if this is a good idea but it occurs to me that if seeing or talking to your sister(s) is so upsetting for you, it certainly is no crime to ignore their existence. I don't understand your sisters' uncaring attitude about your being in the hospital. Such an attitude is simply not acceptable.

 

My sister to whom I was closest as a child confessed in the past year that she has at times since our teenage years felt ashamed to be related to me. I don't understand that kind of attitude. It is definitely not one of humility, love, and acceptance. People who are very concerned about looking good, about what others think of them, generally don't like me. I am quite sure that your sisters wouldn't like me AT ALL.

 

Finding and developing another social universe and human network has been the best solution for me. These forums have been a very important part of the process for me. I hope you will find your stay as helpful as I am finding mine. I see it's nearly twelve hours since you posted the OP. How are you feeling now?

[lemon]

I experienced (and still am) something similar. And I don't mean just random stress, but something serious like you are experiencing. I handled it by avoiding those who cause panic at all cost. I would not even speak to them if I saw them in passing. This is not to be rude, but we have to think of ourselves first. If her presence or attitude is causing a trigger, you have every right to avoid her. Again, you are not being mean, you are simply saving yourself the agony. When you are ready to handle her comments (even if it is a few years from now), that's a different story.

 

Keep up with the medical treatment in the meantime.

[mwc]

I guess I'm writing this hear for some sort of healing purpose....I dunno........just saying.........

If it helps then write away...

 

One of the reasons this place is here is to help out those hurt by xians/xianity. So feel free to let loose.

 

mwc

[Amethyst]

*Hugs*

 

Definitely keep writing if it helps.

[4truth]

I can't stand the Christian attitude of superiority. They seem to think they know what is best for everybody. I'm sorry you're going through this. Rejection from your family is very hard to take.

[Hineni]

Forgive me for putting this all in one post. It's much easier for me to reply this way...my mind is a bit jumbled this morning.

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Dhampir, thanks for the suggestion.

 

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dr. f, Great idea, though I stopped seeing my therapist due to him talking about God every f'ing session (can you believe that..even when he knew God was part of my problem).

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Ruby, I've followed most of your post concerning your family, and admire your strength.

 

I really haven't thought of my sister not talking to me as a form of abuse...WOW! Interesting.

I'm glad to know that you didn't make an attempt on your life. The stress of it all (built up for 30 some odd years) just came to a head...my mind had had enough...it wanted rest. I'm glad I failed at the attempt.

 

You're right. It's not a crime to ignore her. A few months ago the last of my grandparents died. I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral, due to seeing my sister, among other relatives that remind me of the horrible childhood I suffered. Not to mention the funeral services around here are nothing but preaching to the lost.

 

No Ruby, my sister wouldn't like you. She's Church of Christ and will be the only one sitting in heaven, "rejoicing in the Lord"...but don't tell the Baptist...they think they're the chosen ones...

 

I visit the forum often...I never log out. Even though I'm not much of a presence here, I have found friends who don't know I exist.

 

Suffering life-long depression, I'm happy to say that I've been able to be free of it for the last year. The problem I have now is a damaged nervous system that my neurologist and internal med doc think is a result of PTSD and possibly the cause of the fibromyalgia symptoms (which is a real BITCH!) Thankfully, they are helping me repair the damage to some degree.

 

Thanks Ruby, your posts help tremendously....you are very insightful.

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Lemon, it's definately not just random stress. My sis doesn't understand that it's caused real damage to my nervous system...she minimalizes it, as if I can just shake it off. My sister and other's that I try to avoid, shop and conduct other business in the town in which I work (it's a bigger town with, you know, a super Wal-Mart)..I have to shop in another town to avoid running into them.

 

You're right, I'm not mean/rude....I can't keep feeling guilty over this. It's only hindering my progression.

 

Thanks lemon.

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mwc & Amethyst, I will try to keep writing. Unfortunately, I've found the years of damage done has taken my expression from me. I'm unable to express myself *sigh*...I use to be so creative in my writing, to the point that some suggested I write for a living. Though I don't pity myself...I focus on the improvements in my life.

 

Thanks to you both for making me feel free to do so, when I am able.

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4truth, The rejection is hard. To add insult to injury, my sister thinks that I only dreamed of the sexual abuse. I think she wants that to be true, because it happened to her, as well...and I also witnessed it happen to my aunt by the very same abuser. But I guess it was all just a bad dream.

 

Thanks 4truth.

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And in ending this long post, you folks are wonderful. I'm glad I have this little corner...feeling as if I'm part of a community, once again.

 

[R. S. Martin]

Hineni, thank you for your kind words.

 

Lemon, it's definately not just random stress. My sis doesn't understand that it's caused real damage to my nervous system...she minimalizes it, as if I can just shake it off. My sister and other's that I try to avoid, shop and conduct other business in the town in which I work (it's a bigger town with, you know, a super Wal-Mart)..I have to shop in another town to avoid running into them.

 

You're right, I'm not mean/rude....I can't keep feeling guilty over this. It's only hindering my progression.

 

Thanks lemon.

 

About the underlined part...I am encouraged to see someone who understands. I am like this, too. I will not shop where I expect to meet my own people. I saw a plainly dressed woman in town recently and I think she lives here. I had to really work that one through--whether I could share my safe place with HER. I posted about it but I don't know where the thread is by now. The other day I was in the same check-out line at the grocery store as her. There was one person between us. She saw me over her shoulder and she seemed to be extremely nervous. She jerked her head away as though I had hit her. Then she tried looking again. She seemed less nervous. I don't think I have anything to fear from her. I think it will be more like me trying to tame a wild kitten. Her life must have been very rough. Maybe she, like me, is seeking a haven in the Big City. Maybe some day we can be friends.

 

The city where I live now is just south of the area where I lived all my life. The horse and buggy people don't live in the city. The city has a green belt. So there is a very definite line between the rural area where my people live and the city where I live. We're only a few miles apart but it might as well be another continent for all I see of them. I want it to stay that way. I don't drive, so I seldom venture out their way. When I do go, I get a friend to take me in their vehicle. I used to drive it all the time in the open buggy so that I was exposed to the atmosphere and all the elements. Thus, it seems that inside a closed vehicle I should feel totally safe and protected but I don't. The angry black thunderclouds of depression (totally separate of the everyday dullness) roll in from the northwest when we get outside the city limits and into the rural area. I used to live northwest of the city and that's where it comes from.

 

When I first lived in the city, the first day I came out of the building, I felt physically lighter. It was a physical feeling and it was so significant that it caught my attention. I asked myself, "What is different?" Suddenly I realized: NOBODY IS WATCHING ME!

 

I knew I dressed crazy and was probably the greatest weirdo in the county but nobody cared. And that was what mattered. But all of the fear and dread is waiting for me over the hills the minute I venture outside the city limits in that direction. It's so good to know there is at least one person who knows that this is not just "all in the head." And when I'm traveling in the country, I can be more or less okay until we encounter a horse and buggy. It can be almost overwhelming. Fortunately, because the car travels much faster, it lasts a very short time. This stuff is real and it's not our fault, Hineni.

 

Also, I did not go to my grandfather's funeral. I have not gone to family gatherings for many and many a long year. I didn't even know at the time that it had anything to do with abuse; I just knew I didn't enjoy the gatherings and could barely tolerate them. I was getting severe migraines and suffered from extreme boredom or meaninglessness. I learned Myers-Briggs and figured my interests just differed too much from everyone else. That is how I explained it and finally my immediate family accepted it.