Jump to content

Ex-christian But Sitll Uncertain


Recommended Posts

I've been lurking at these forums for awhile now and I've enjoyed reading the topics here, but I finally decided to join the forums to join in on the discussions myself, so here's my testimony about my deconversion from Christianity. I guess it started around the time I realilzed that I was gay. I was raised by parents in the Churches Of Christ and was taught to believe that homosexuality was a sin and that I would go to hell if I was gay. At first I tried to ignore my feelings but when that didn't work out I tried to pray to God to help me overcome what I was taught to believe was a "sin." That didn't work either and after that I resigned myself to believing that no matter what I was going to go to hell. I couldn't talk to my parents about it because they hate gays and I was afraid they would reject me if they knew I was gay (they still don't know that I am gay or that I no longer believe in the bible). Sometime later I started to question the authority of the bible. I just couldn't believe that a "just" God could give someone infitie punishment for finite "sins." It just didn't make sense to me. I started to read more from different sites about the contradictions of the bible.

 

I was shocked and angered at how many innocent children God killed in the bible. I had always known that the Jews had stoned disobedient children and about the firstborn children being killed by God in Exodus but I had always been taught that those actions of God could be rationalized. But when I read the other stories about God killing innocent children like all the millions of people in Noah's ark that died in the flood and how God ordered all the Amalekite children and women to be killed and how even in the New Testament God still thinks disobedient childred deserve to die, I knew I couldn't worship such a bloodthirsty God anymore even if he was real. When I started to doubt Christianity, I started to doubt other religions as well. I wondered what the point of it was when all religion was is a guessing game where everybody went around trying to prove why their invisible best friend is more right than your invisible best friend and I felt like religion was a waste of time.

 

Though I no longer believe in religion, I'm still uncertain about how I feel about the existence of deities. I've been identifiying msyelf as an agnostic to people that ask but while part of me still believes there's a possiblity God could exist but that that existence is unprovable, and that if any deities did exist, they would be beyond any human comprehension, the other part of me wonders what the point of believing in it is when there's no proof. And sometimes I wonder if I'm only hanging onto the possiblity of God's existence because this belief has been so ingrained in me since my childhood that it's difficult to let go of it, but then other days godisimaginary.com's leprechaun analogy makes perfect sense to me. So I'm still confused about God's existence and I hope I can sort out my feelings about God through learning more from the threads at this site. All I know for certain is that I think religion is the biggest waste of time mankind ever has come up with and I want nothing to do with it anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome Neon!

As you've probably found by now there is an extremely diverse group here, with a single common thread of being x-xtian. You can think about, discuss, and reflect on about any topic or view here. It's normal to be a bit bewildered at first, you didn't get into xtianity overnight, so take your time, ask, discuss, and above all enjoy the rich diversity of views.

 

Ciao

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome, Neon Genesis! You're not the first one to come here not knowing if deity exists and it doesn't matter to us what you believe. Some of us don't even want to be bothered with the god question anymore. Like you say, what's the point? But it takes time getting used to thinking without god ruling every thought. Take your time. Let it happen. There's no deadline or judge to meet. And if you find that there does seem to be a deity, then that's fine, too. Maybe that is what's right for you. I think it's important to be true to who one really is, rather than who people think one should be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

......So I'm still confused about God's existence and I hope I can sort out my feelings about God through learning more from the threads at this site. All I know for certain is that I think religion is the biggest waste of time mankind ever has come up with and I want nothing to do with it anymore.

Give it time. This stuff has been drilled into you since you were a baby. It's going to take time. I like to recommend a book entitled; "Hey Is That You God?" by Pasqual S. Schievella. It's easy to read for non philosophers and it's funny.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Neon, I know where you're coming from. I seriously started doubting my faith back in February, because of the eternal dammnation doctrime, and reading up on all the atrocities in the Old Testament accelerated the process. As of the beginning of October, I have come to the point wher I don't believe in the Christian God anymore. If Jesus existed, he was probably as Douglas Adam said(Rough Paraphrase) A man who was crucified for telling people that the world would be a better place if people were nicer to each other." I'll currently identify myself as a sort of Deist, that is , I think that something did create the universe, but it certainly wasn't the constantly pissed off firebreathing tyrant of the Old Testament.

 

 

Good Luck on your Journey.

Tabula

Link to comment
Share on other sites

godisimaginary.com is a really good place to help you recover. So is the SAB http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/

 

But the best way to recover is to *think* about it alot. When you hear sermons, or someone preaches to you, think in your mind the logic of what they say as facts, and ask yourself what makes it a *fact* to those people, evidence or just hear-say faith?

 

Long ago when I deconverted the idea that god could be barbaric struck me as ludicrous. I good leap of faith logic is that god is not *worse* then hitler or any other tyrant. Hilter's victims, after all, eventually died or escaped. God's hell victims never get out (abandon all hope ye who enter). Which is actually the ultimate injustice of all. No person is even *capable* of this level of cruelty, so how could a god that is supposed to be at the very least, *nice*.

 

Another strand of logic that can help you recover is the diversity of religion itself. Not only are there many religions claiming to be the one true™ way to heaven, but even within chrisitanity they fight among themselves. Lots of sects thing the RCC is a devil cult, and the RCC in it's opening prayer claims the believe in "one true church" excluding all others. In some countries the sects literally war with each other (protestants and catholics).

 

If that's still not enough to help you re-enforce it's not true, think about the atrocities they do, things like:

 

The crusades

Witch burnings

Abortion clinic bombings

Murdering scientists

Murdering atheists/agnostics

 

Some lesser evils, still evil though:

Forced territory control (no bar within 500 feet)

States that ban all alcohol

Sects that deny medical attention

snake handlers/poison drinkers

 

The list is far longer then this. They think that *only* christian countries survive because the US is so strong, but the US started out with a SEPERATION from church and state, with many of the heads being atheist/agnostic themselves. "In God We Trust" was not introduced onto our money until long after the country was founded, and "one nation under god" was also added later. The US was not founded as a christian nation, but became one later.

 

This is surprisingly a very short list of *why* it is not healthy to be a chrisitian. Want even more? Here is a short list of famous atheist/deists/agnostics: http://www.wonderfulatheistsofcfl.org/Quotes.htm

 

So reading this short incomplete list, you will note that they are not an immoral crowd (some might be, but a minority) but rather most of them contributed greatly to society. I suggest that the list of people doing REAL things that ACTUALLY help mankind as a whole has always been *MORE* populated with atheists then christians.

 

And our most successfully doctors are largely atheists. Guess you don't need jesus to heal do you?

 

Being uncertain is *because* it is much more then a belief in many people. It is a form of brainwashing. The media focuses on brainwashing in cults because it is done SOOOO fast, with food deprivation, and repeated indoctrination. However, an xtian brainwashing is done slowly over time, and almost always starts at birth. If you continuously teach a young developing mind a thing, and re-enforce it as it grows up, send it to church and watch its TV programming, music, etc etc they are MORE brainwashed ultimately then the cult victims. Breaking out of this on your own is a *massive* feat of willpower and one to be celebrated! It is really the definition to *overcoming*.

 

Just be thankful there are so many reasons not to be an xitian. Were xtianity "logical" you might *never* ever breakaway at all. It is a *good* thing there is so much lunacy in this religion, otherwise you would be in it for life most likely.

 

You are a brave person. It takes courage to overcome deep brainwashing. Do yourself a big favor, don't engage xtians in conversation about deconversion, at least not now, not until you are more certain. Why? Because at this fresh stage you are vulnerable to fear tactics such as "pascal's wager" (what if I'm wrong).

 

The idea is if you are wrong believing in xtianity, no harm no foul. If your wrong about NOT believing you risk hell fire. This is total crap, *I* can hit you with this same wager. Trust in Michael the Spartan, believing in me risks you nothing, but if you don;t *I* will send you to hell. There is just as much physical evidence out there that *I* can do this as there is that *jesus* can do this. Think about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I totally remember a period in my life where I would tell people that I thought there might be a god, but if there was one he didn't give a flying fuck about me and frankly I didn't really care about him either.

 

Years of not caring about whether he was there or not, slowly turned into not believing he was there. Or maybe just not caring on an even higher level. It's just so irrelevant to my daily life.

 

I think I'm with RubySera... some of us are just really done with the whole god question.

 

Welcome to the journey my friend! You are not alone.

 

Heather

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I'm with RubySera... some of us are just really done with the whole god question.

 

Welcome to the journey my friend! You are not alone.

 

Heather

 

 

I identified with agnostics when I first joined this board. But being a walking question mark, is not really a believer. Lately I have to say, though even though I am open to any proof, the more I think and read and theorize, the more I came to realize that claiming "agnostism" was more denial then anything.

 

I am pretty much an atheist. Very odd too, because in my life I have had "spiritual" experiences. I have seen three ghosts (one a dog) point blank and knew they were really ghosts, and I have had telepathic experiences that are proven (to me only) but proven none-the-less.

 

So how can I be atheist? Well for starters, ghosts are NOT god, nor did any of them speak of god or anything religious, just love. And telapathic experiences only prove that there is more out there then meets the eye.

 

It's just that there exisits *very* unknown higher science. There are reasons for all those things, I have no doubt of this. And in a way, my ghost encounters solidify my no god theories. After all, isn't that the *most* important message? Why show up to say you always loved me, knowing I don't believe, if believing is so important? Why not say "hey your messin up!" I don't rule out that it could be *all in my mind*,but the telepathic incident was proven to me by confirmation, but the very nature of it makes it *only proof to me*. But still, so what? It only really proves there is higher science, that there are things more complex out there then we understand, it does not prove god.

 

Does this help? I hope so. Religion is a hard thing to drop, and some people never do. It is a very brave thing to face what you have been taught to believe or not believe is at the cost of your soul and say "no thanks", even harder imo when you know somethings out there that defies explaination. It's the lunacy of religion that has helped me. In their effort to control, they added so much crap it makes it easy for a thinking mind to dismiss it as BS. It's the injustic and cruelty of it as well.

 

Hang tough, use us for support. Someone here will always talk to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to the forum Neon Genesis,

 

If there is an advantage to being gay it has to be in your opening paragraph. Like you I was taught of the intrinsic evilness of homosexuality at a young age. Fortunately I was not bombarded with this message at church (it was actually a very liberal protestant church with no trauma that I can remember) or by my parents, but the attitude of the general society of the 1960’s was more than enough for me to get the message loud and clear. I was a bad person. I would grow up to be a lonely pervert that preyed on young boys (oddly, the fact that no one ever preyed on me ever entered my mind). I was sick and in need of help. These are the tapes that played over and over in the mind of a pleasant and kind eleven year old boy that everyone liked so much.

 

So where is the advantage? The advantage happened two months before my 18th birthday. I had just spent the last two years torturing myself by joining the Mormon Church (all by myself) in a last ditch effort to get God to make me “normal.” I was on my way to church on a Sunday morning in 1978 when I started to cry. I started crying so hard that I was forced to turn into a parking lot to park. As I sat there literally shaking with tears streaming down my face I screamed over and over again; “Why God, Why? Why is this my fate? Why do the other boys at church (they were also very cute, that made it even harder) have it so easy and I am forced to go through this?”

 

I cried for only about five minutes before gaining my composure. For some reason at that very moment a transformation of my thought process occurred, seemingly out of nowhere, and I became angry, very angry. I became angry enough to challenge everything I had ever been told and from that day forward my life has been my own. I turned the car around and went home, never to return. From that day forward I was in charge of determining right from wrong, and I found myself for the first time since puberty regaining my sanity and self-worth.

 

Would I have been able to achieve this mindset if I had been heterosexual? I would like to think so, but without the challenge of being gay it would have taken much longer. I do have an identical twin brother (straight) so a completely unscientific comparison is possible. At the age 20 he too found the Mormon Church and to this day he has family is hopelessly under their spell. He can spout off the most ridiculous crap while I try and keep a straight face. He will pray to an imaginary being over breakfast to have Coco Pebbles strengthen and nourish his body. I could go on and on but you get the picture. Yes, I am thankful that I am gay.

 

IBF

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Evan Marc

Hi, I've been lurking on these forums for awhile as well, but your post actually made me want to answer.

 

I was raised in Pentecostal churches, and also realized at a very early age that I liked boys a lot more than I liked girls. Im 30 years old now, and have been away from the church since I was 21 or 22, since no amount of prayer, ex gay counseling, etc. seemed to make any difference in my life.

 

Recently my doubts have come back up though, mainly due to a desire to have more meaning in my life. I've met a wonderful man who wants to marry me, and now all of my old fears about hell and the rest of the rubish are coming back up.

 

I cant reconcile religion with who I am. I've tried almost my whole life to change who I am, but it doesnt lead anywhere. I obviously can't change religion, so where does that leave me?

 

Anyways, I support you in your struggle. I too want to know if there is a conscious being in the universe bigger than me, but I honestly can not justify religion with what I know about the world. There are just too many things I have to take at face value that seem like b.s. for me to deal with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I identified with agnostics when I first joined this board. But being a walking question mark, is not really a believer. Lately I have to say, though even though I am open to any proof, the more I think and read and theorize, the more I came to realize that claiming "agnostism" was more denial then anything.
Thank you everyone for your support and thanks Dave for the book recommendation. I've made sure to bookmark it to check it out sometime. I think part of what made agnosticism appealing to me when I left Christianity was it had a sort of neutral stance, that neither side of the debate can know the truth. I also think part of it is because I just don't know enough about the big bang theory and human evolution to feel confident enough to debate the subject when people challenge me about it as science has never been one of my best subjects. But maybe it's also like what you said and it's just difficult for me to let go of what I've been taught since I was born.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.