GiantBear Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 The voice of the minister on the "Simpsons" has that cadence perfected. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Reverend Lovejoy reminds me of Al Gore quite a bit. Is it just me?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christopher Carrion Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 There is one thing to be said for stock-Christian phrases and philosophies; you know when they start spouting them that you've won the argument. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 There is one thing to be said for stock-Christian phrases and philosophies; you know when they start spouting them that you've won the argument. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> You knew that before the argument began. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Priapus Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 All brilliant stuff, from Post 1 on. I was in an e-mail debate with a Fundy acqaintance for about a month. She invoked many of those. (she's in bold, I'm not.) Were you saved? I made The Confession, publicly asked Jesus to be my savior, confessed every sin I could possibly think of to a "brother". Yes, but did you receive the Holy Spirit? I dunno, I kept inviting it. How would I have known? Oh, you'd know. Yes, but how? Oh, you'd know. Yes, but how? Oh, you'd know. Yes, but how? Then when she ran out of everything else, she'd resort to platitudes. If you're already walking in God's will, you might not hear from him, but if you zig when you should have zagged, He'll tell you. Or he won't. Because He's not there. And another favorite designed to scare and intimidate with the suggestion that you're in unwittingly in league with the Devil. If you're not running into the enemy, maybe you're already walking the same direction he is. XCrispyKFC, I'm diggin' your comparo-thong study and "The Jesus" avatar. John Turturro is genius. Rhino, thanks for the Tom Cruise pic. It brings me joy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 This isn't a cliche phrase, but was anyone else in one of those churches where everyone would get worked up and be singing in tongues. Then the music would stop and everyone would be babbling away, waving their arms in the air, sing songing little phrases like "I love you Lord", "Haaaah-laaaaay-looo-ooo-yah" Everyone would just be popping off with stuff like that or singing in tongues. Like a whole strange musical babbling chorus. Weird. My grandparents Ass of God church was like that. I hated visiting. Their pastor also wrote a book about how he had been visited by angels; including Michael and Gabriel. One angel gave him a list of something like 72 events that would occur - along the lines of, one wife whom he was to provide marriage counciling was planning to shoot her husband after the session, Jesus return was imminent, etc. - and then he was forced to eat the tablet, which tasted like honey. Since you were charasmatic you might know the book: Angels On Assignment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Sheesh! Did you attend the same fucked up church as me? (Or is this just further proof that Xians regurgitate their own vomit? I think so.) I vote for that vomit thing. In my 25 years in church I was exposed to 95% of the sayings on this board so far. I also got to the point where I thought I had heard every possible sermon at least 10 times. Some, such as the gospel, hundereds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nirrti Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 My grandparents Ass of God church was like that. I hated visiting. Their pastor also wrote a book about how he had been visited by angels; including Michael and Gabriel. One angel gave him a list of something like 72 events that would occur - along the lines of, one wife whom he was to provide marriage counciling was planning to shoot her husband after the session, Jesus return was imminent, etc. - and then he was forced to eat the tablet, which tasted like honey. Since you were charasmatic you might know the book: Angels On Assignment. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> You mean they didn't give him golden tablets or have him write another Quran? Why is it when angels communicate prophecies to people, they always tell them to destroy the evidence? And another thing, of all the heavenly hosts he has to choose from, why does God always send down Gabriel & Michael? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 You mean they didn't give him golden tablets or have him write another Quran? Why is it when angels communicate prophecies to people, they always tell them to destroy the evidence? And another thing, of all the heavenly hosts he has to choose from, why does God always send down Gabriel & Michael? I wondered the same thing when I read the book even though I was a believer at the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dulce Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Another one my idiot pastor used to (well, still does)say all the time..... If you run with a dog that has fleas, you'll catch fleas, too. That is just soooo deep. The education these preachers have! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest juanaznarf Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 This one really pisses me off. jesus loves you whether you like it or not. so does this classic... It's Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 It's Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve! I have always been amazed that Christians could utter that line with a straight face. I mean it's just so lame assed dumb! Do they really think it makes for a convincing argument? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dulce Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 This one really pisses me off. jesus loves you whether you like it or not. so does this classic... It's Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I forgot all about the Adam and Steve one!!!! Heard that all the time!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanakila Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 Pastor: God is good People: All the time. Pastor: All the time People God is good. (they really are trying to convince themselves I think) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bob Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 "What's old is true and what's new probably isn't". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bongo Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 I'll pray for you or We'll be praying for you Whenever I said those words as a christian, or whenever someone else said them, I knew the real meaning was: I'm going to fucking forget about your stupid problem as soon as I turn away from you. Bongo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a midnight star Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 My father was one of those who would shout "amen", "praise god" and "Hallaluha"(sp), not in church, but at the grocery store after he got his change back. Go figure, God is responsible for the girl doing her job. I mean, get real. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Checkmate Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 Here's one I just remembered: "God said it. I believe it. That settles it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 I'll pray for you Uhg yes I hate that most of all. People still say it to me. The real meaning is "I don't care enough about you to do anything that could actually help in any way, but I get to take credit for having done something by talking to my imaginary friends." The funny thing is, some people recognize that no-one else really cares and so they'll say things like "please pray for me". This happened recently to me, and I responded "In addition to prayer, is there any other way I can help. Maybe I could {X} or maybe {Y}." You should have seen the shock that someone would actually extend a hand in a usefull way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 "God said it. I believe it. That settles it!" That one is almost correct... "Cthulhu dreamed it. I believe it. That settles it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a midnight star Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 or if it doesn't work out "it is just god's will" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christopher Carrion Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 There's another, far more sinister sub-text to the whole "I'll pray for you" response: it is essentially a Christian way of saying "fuck you," as it implies that you are damned by your perspectives and chosen actions and that only by said person "praying for your immortal soul" will you avoid damnation. My typical response is "Fine; I'll slaughter a sacrificial lamb for you, since it's just as arbitrary." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Holy cow, Madame M, I laughed my ass off at the "I love you with the love of the Lord" comment... I never got that one, but I did get: Right now I just want to try to be HIS son. Meaning: You make me feel funny in my pants and God doesn't like that, so I need to dump you so you won't make me sin the sin of lust anymore. And by the way, I'm a total chickenshit about relationships anyway, so I'm going to wait to do what God tells me to. What a dickweed. Everybody else has already gone through most of the ones I heard. A scary bumper sticker I've seen is: TRUTH, NOT TOLERANCE Uhhh.... yeah. Let's make the world the way we want it to be. Because, after all, we have The Truth . So let's not tolerate all those subhuman bastards that don't. On the other hand - I've also seen a couple of bumper stickers that are a hoot: Jesus loves you - but I'm his favorite I FOUND JESUS - he was behind the sofa the whole time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narcissist Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 If God feels far away, who moved? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nirrti Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 If God feels far away, who moved? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Answer: Creflo Dollar,..... into his 2 million dollar mansion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Jeff Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 My MIL gave me one that reads, "God danced the day you were born". God must be doing a non-stop jig with all the people being born around the world. LMFAO!!! Damn, I was almost literally rolling on the floor there for a few minutes! I just have this mental image of the Holy Farter dancing a continuous jig (perhaps He's doing the Jitterbug with the Lard?) on the solid dome firmament in which the stars are fixed every time somebody is born! Glory! How long has it been since He took a break? Does He rest every seven days? No wonder He never answers prayer! He's too busy dancing! Glory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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