nirrti Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Right now I just want to try to be HIS son. Meaning: You make me feel funny in my pants and God doesn't like that, so I need to dump you so you won't make me sin the sin of lust anymore. And by the way, I'm a total chickenshit about relationships anyway, so I'm going to wait to do what God tells me to. Or for women: Jesus is my boyfriend Hmm, I wonder what he's like in bed? Jesus loves you - but I'm his favorite Hey! I thought I was his favorite. I FOUND JESUS - he was behind the sofa the whole time What?! Then have him arrested for breaking and entering! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Jeff Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 My father was one of those who would shout "amen", "praise god" and "Hallaluha"(sp), not in church, but at the grocery store after he got his change back. Go figure, God is responsible for the girl doing her job. I mean, get real. I was at a convenience store in Lake Jackson, TX a few years ago getting gas or something, and I remember this guy at the counter saying things like, "Praise the Lord!" and "Bless your name, father!" and "Glory to God!" while the cashier was ringing his glorious purchases up and giving him his change back. I thought it was hilarious! Scary, but hilarious! I didn't bother telling him that his Invisible Friend didn't actually exist. lol... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Jeff Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 "YOU CAN'T SPEAK IN TONGUES BECAUSE THERE IS SIN IN YOUR LIFE." Bullshit! I do shit that pisses Jesus off all the time, and I can Speak in the Spook anytime I want to! Glory! http://www.religionisbullshit.org/audio/jefftongues.m3u Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bdp Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Or for women: Jesus is my boyfriend Hmm, I wonder what he's like in bed? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Yeah, that whole concept of being 'in love with the Lord' and 'first love' really alwyas creeped me out. Jesus loves you - but I'm his favorite And of course that great all-time favorite 'Jesus loves you...everybody else thinks you're an asshole.' bdp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 I've never met anyone who has to beg someone to make them fall in love with them. You either are or you aren't. More proof that it is all a mind trip. Well, a lot of Christian hymns contain very bad poetry, and people just never think about the words they are singing in church. Most of the men are probably thinking about whatever upcoming sports event will be on TV, and a lot of the women are thinking about what they're going to make for lunch after the service. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isak The Newt Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 "Begin to weave and God will give you the thread" be lazy im sure someone else has a better translation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JP1283 Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Seven days without prayers makes one weak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bdp Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 What I found funny, was all the men in the church who profess hatred for homosexuals. Then in church they are blathering on about "falling in love with Jesus" and wanting to be a "pure bride for him". Take for instance the Christian band Jars of Clay. They have a song where the chorus says, "I want to fall in love with you, I want to fall in love with you...." What? They haven't fallen in love yet? I've never met anyone who has to beg someone to make them fall in love with them. You either are or you aren't. More proof that it is all a mind trip. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Kenny Marks, back in the paleolithic 80's, did a song that said 'Make it right - fall in love with Jesus tonight.' I also used to hang out with a couple of, um, more fervent guys who one day took notice of Paul's instruction to 'greet one another with a holy kiss,' and so began to do so. This creeped me out no end, but they were all concerned that I wasn't enthusiastic about wanting to do what The Word instructed. bdp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 What would have been classic if for a man to show up in drag and ask for their "holy kiss". Those christian men would have peed their pants. Drag Queens are the quintessential “Macho Man.” They can scare the shit out of the manliest of men. Never underestimate the power of a little eyeliner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmotdibbler Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 The pastor's wife told me "I'll pray for you" and I replied "I don't pray" She sat there kind of stunned with the deer in the headlights looked but rallyed with "I'll pray that you pray" At that point I said my goodbyes (they were resigning as Pastor). Another phrase I've heard is "the holy spirit is a gentleman and won't come into your life unless invited". How convenient, so you only get proof once you've joined the club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a midnight star Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 I was in a discussion about a scientific experiment about prayer and how it proved that prayer didn't work. I made a comment that from my experience that god doesn't won't leave his lofty throne to bother with us humans. His answer was: "Well, I guess you didn't really know him" This pissed me off, big time. I know him alright and I don't any part of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalidasa Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 God will never give you more then you can handle Translation: if you are feeling overwhelmed either you are outside God's will or you are an idiot trying to do it on your own instead of relying on God. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I honestly lost count of the amount of times I had this thrown at me - by my FRIENDS no less. My last two years of being a Christian, I was going through absolute hell, and all my friends could spout off was that. But we have a sort of unspoken agreement now. If they ask me if I'm a Christian yet, they cop the silent treatment for a week. If they show any signs of trying to convert me, I am OUT. They can get fucked. Ahem. It's going to sound strange, but everything posted in this thread annoyed me even when I was still a Christian. Even stranger - I never said even one of them. Believe what you will, but that's the kind of Christian I was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onyx Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 Some of the most weirdest things I have ever heard in Christianity. “God told me to go to this service!” “You did good to listen to God.” “Hell is real; none of you can’t lie about that. The heathens will be lying to you about the existence of God and try to sabotage your faith in the Almighty God of the eternal heaven.” “It is your exhortation that you must persist in the good fight. Persistence is your best friend for the grand enemy of Christendom.” What shitty Christian catchphrases! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 2balive Posted July 21, 2005 Share Posted July 21, 2005 You all are so hilarious!!! I read all the posts on this thread and enjoy them immensely!! I can't respond as I would like to yet, because it's all still a little too fresh for me and I get this sickening, "freefall" feeling, because I see all the BS I've bought for over 10 years and I'm deprogramming. Sort of like people who invested their life savings in a wonderful everglades real estate project. Laying up treasures in heaven This is why you are going broke and losing your sanity on religious crap 2balive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Checkmate Posted July 23, 2005 Share Posted July 23, 2005 "A text, taken out of context, is a pre-text." i.e. everything Xians preach is bullshit! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nirrti Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 "I don't want you to do down there" by Christians who don't know me, because that's the first time we met. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Do what "down there"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bdp Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 "the holy spirit is a gentleman ..." <{POST_SNAPBACK}> ...so does the holy spirit go to gentleman's clubs? bdp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ElGuapo Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 "Training for Reigning!" Translation: Don't worry about how horrible your life is going. All these difficulties are just preparing you for an administrative position in the upcoming millenial theocracy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Visitor Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 How about the old favorite...no proof is the only proof Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Visitor Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 The pastor's wife told me "I'll pray for you" and I replied"I don't pray" She sat there kind of stunned with the deer in the headlights looked but rallyed with "I'll pray that you pray" At that point I said my goodbyes (they were resigning as Pastor). Another phrase I've heard is "the holy spirit is a gentleman and won't come into your life unless invited". How convenient, so you only get proof once you've joined the club. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Unfortunately, it is impossible to proove or disproove almost anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Checkmate Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 99 C.E. - "This is it! We're living in the LAST DAYS! The Lord is coming soon!" 199 C.E - "This is it! We're living in the LAST DAYS! The Lord is coming soon!" 299 C.E. - "This is it! We're living in the LAST DAYS! The Lord is coming soon!" 399 C.E. - "This is it! We're living in the LAST DAYS! The Lord is coming soon!" 499 C.E. - "This is it! We're living in the LAST DAYS! The Lord is coming soon!" (And so on and so on until...) 1999 C.E. - "This is it! We're living in the LAST DAYS! The Lord is coming soon!" (If I hear this drivel ONE MORE TIME, you will all see me being arraigned on CNN for multiple counts of Murder One!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 (If I hear this drivel ONE MORE TIME, you will all see me being arraigned on CNN for multiple counts of Murder One!) See! That's proof that this is it! We're living in the LAST DAYS. The Lord is coming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Checkmate Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 See! That's proof that this is it! We're living in the LAST DAYS. The Lord is coming! AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!! That's it! Sorry Spam, but you must now be sacrificed to the IPU! (News at 11.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest grammi Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 These were great. The funny thing is y'all translations are about right. I am guilty of saying some of them, but sometimes we get tired of people chililn in the pews. We have to say something to liven them up (*we meaning worship leaders) Has anyone ever heard one that says something to the effect of "working members only" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkenmoon Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 Only people in Christ can shower grace on others. I hated this. It totally went against what I saw in the real world. I saw my mom for example changing the lives of her clients in real ways not because she was controlling and into all the behavioral shit... but because she showered GRACE on them and EMPOWERED them to work the stuff out while listening and making suggestions. And I mean REAL suggestions that they could take or not take and either was 100% fine with her. Did I mention please pray for what the Lord would have you give for this building project? Please strap yourselves more then you already have and offer to give above and beyond... trusting for God to do amazing things. You know... all the Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Thing is though... they just wanted a new building... they always seem to just want a new this or that. And you know what was stupid? It was always what money can you give. It was never could you help us with maybe some time to install some drywall or maybe someone is a plumber who is licensed or whatever and could donate that. It was only ever about the money. AND... I found out there were organizations out there to help you get the most money out of your congregation... who came in to give presentations and try to make you feel guilty if you didn't give. What the heck?! When was the last time you heard hey can we take an offering to really help the smith family? Cause Bob has been out of work for a few months and his family really could use the help. Or Can we take an offering to really donate down at the homeless shelter or could anyone spare some time for x thing or another. Unless it is church related (meaning Sunday School, making coffee, nursery, praise and worship team, etc.) they don't want your time... just your money. The one exception to this I found... 1 mennonite church I visited (which I think is WAY different then most because it really WAS filled with love caring for others in a way I never experienced before or again in any Christian church). They didn't normally take donations or offerings EXCEPT when something was needed. So when the furnace needed repaired THEN they took an offering to cover that. Things like that. Anyhow... I've rambled. =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts