Living The Biblical Life - Literally. Annotated

[Vigile]

http://www.exile.ru/articles/detail.php?AR...mp;IBLOCK_ID=35

 

What follows is an excerpt from the improved version: My Day of Killing Biblically: One Man's Insane Quest To Follow The True Unexpurgated Bible, Rather Than The Sanitized PG-Version of The Bible That The Secular-Humanist Fraud Jacobs Followed, by Mark Ames.

 

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The first thing I did when I decided to spend a day following the Old Testament exactly as it was written was to head out to the Santa Monica pier.

 

When I came upon a couple of lice-ridden homeless people, I could feel the hand of God was upon them. I could smell it, in fact--the odor of old cheese and shit-crusted underwear. Yahweh is the type of God who leads us by signs, and this shit stench was as clear a sign as any.

 

 

Yahweh's favorite bestseller rewrite.

"'Scuse me," I said, "anyone here a certified schizophrenic? Hellooo?!"

 

"Blrhreh."

 

"Anyone? Hello? I'm looking for the schizo in the bunch? Anyone hear voices? I'm looking for the guy who's been hearing Yahweh. Which one is it? Is it the one with the piss smell or the shit smell? Come on people, I need answers, don't got all day here!"

 

 

I kicked a few of them, but they were all lifeless and could only mumble.

 

Just then a bearded man with no shirt on, and a face that looked like an old callous, ran up as if to attack me, then backed away when he got close. He started twitching like Joe Cocker, babbling, "Shit two fucker waffle batter batter swing batter batter!"

 

"A prophet!" I said.

 

"Two shit shitty fuckerball shit fuckerball!"

 

"Yea, it is He!"

 

"Yea he! He he he--who not fuckerball!"

 

"Fuckerball?" I asked. "What strange angel doth thou speaketh of, that he is named Fuckerb--"

 

"Fuckerball, ah! The fuckin' cops, man, the fuckin shitball fuckerball George Bush all around!"

 

"Wait, let me get this down," I said, pulling out my pen and paper. "Okay, keep going. Is this a vision from an angel, or is Yawheh talking direct?"

 

"Ahh!!!!"

 

"Ahh? Okay, one 'ahh' means 'angel,' two 'ahh' means 'Yahweh.'"

 

"AHGGGahhh!" He was suddenly terrified, eyes darting. He kicked the air. I could not understand his strange and holy message.

 

"What is it?" I asked, looking around, fearful of Yahweh's presence.

 

"Ahhggahhh!" The Prophet ran away.

 

After I finished writing down "Ahhggahhh," I realized that our Biblical religion needed to grow and spread. To do this, first we, the Ahhggahhites, needed to claim our Holy Land, as given to us by God in a Covenant. I figured that our land would be the first two blocks between Wilshire and Santa Monica, and 2nd street and Ocean. Pretty good real estate, bound to be several centuries' worth of pointless killing over this holy region.

 

Now that it's our land, we have to start killing everyone who lives here. Because as every Bible Freak knows, you ain't livin' Biblically unless you're killin' Biblically. Who to kill? Hah! More like "who not to kill," if we're going by Yahweh's rules. And as far as the Old Testament's concerned, there is no "not" in the "who not to kill?" question. Just kill, for yahweh's sakes, let the rabbis sort out the who's and the what's some other time.

 

I didn't have much in the way of weaponry. I couldn't use a gun because that would violate the Biblical authenticity. But I did have my iPod headphones. They could be used as a sling, or as a strangling instrument.

 

I crossed Ocean and headed up Santa Monica, full of religious fervor. There were Chaldeans and Phoenicians all around me. I had to kill them! But to do that, I would need a miracle. Off in the distance, I heard my Prophet screaming "Aagghgha!" It was a sign to begin the attack. I ran up to a Mexican woman who was pushing an old lady's wheelchair, wrapped the iPod headphone wire around her neck, and pulled tightly.

 

"Excuse me, what are you doing?" she asked, looking at me in confusion.

 

"Thou art trespassing against mine people's land. Yahweh made a covenant with the people of this land, yea it is ours, and ye who are upon it must perish!"

 

By the time I'd finished my speech, she had long since unwrapped the iPod wire, and was pushing the wheelchair in the opposite direction. She had fled from the merciless Ahhggahhite warriors, and returned to her lands.

 

 

Down the street, I heard the Prophet scream again. He had taken a "For Sale" sign, a holy sword which he had been led to by an angel, and he thwacked the sign on the head of a homeless man.

 

 

 

 

"Slay the Chaldean!" I yelled from across the street.

 

The homeless man took the sword from the Prophet's hand, cursed him, and hit the Prophet on the head. Suddenly the Prophet was depressed.

 

"Do not despair, Prophet!" He didn't respond, so I encouraged him by adding, "I'll buy you a bottle of gin, just get off your ass and behave Biblically, goddamnit!"

 

"Gin?" He turned to the homeless man to seize the For Sale sign, but he got thwacked again on the head, and backed away, depressed.

 

 

I was just about to run up and aid him when two Egyptian chariots appeared from the seas. In fear I hid in a Barnes & Noble temple. From the chariots appeared two LAPD warriors who fired a taser gun at The Prophet. He fell to the ground and a large puddle of urine formed beneath him.

 

Yea, they did smite the Prophet.

 

"Yahweh is angry with us," I said. "We, the Ahhggahhites, did not fulfill our end of the covenant."

 

There was only one way out of Yahweh's doghouse, and I knew what I had to do: I'd have to bend the rules a bit, rent a U-Haul truck. A very big U-Haul truck. Then drive it into the two-block area that is our land, and systematically plow down as many pedestrians as possible to cleanse our Holy Land of heathens. Yahweh, after all, is kind of like Freddy Krueger. He needs lots of fresh souls to feel, well, appreciated. It's all there in the Old Testament. Read it, if you don't believe me.

[Guest rj559]

Now that it's our land, we have to start killing everyone who lives here. Because as every Bible Freak knows, you ain't livin' Biblically unless you're killin' Biblically. Who to kill? Hah! More like "who not to kill," if we're going by Yahweh's rules. And as far as the Old Testament's concerned, there is no "not" in the "who not to kill?" question. Just kill, for yahweh's sakes, let the rabbis sort out the who's and the what's some other time.

 

 

Pretty much... the meat of OT in a paragraph.