How God Left Me

[Guest WarrantedPVC]

Just thought I'd share my story because so many here have done so... and it's a great place... I am usually not keen on exposing this to people because the accusations of what I did "wrong" or should or should not have done are never-ending. It's so refreshing to find a place where I won't be accused. I can only say that whatever I did I did because I thought it was right to do at the time. And I really genuinely loved God, sometimes I feel like I still do... even if I don't believe in him. *sigh*

 

I was born into a Christian family and went to a Roman Catholic School as a child - mostly to make sure I got "moral" teaching, apparently all the other schools nearby had drug addicts etc... My family were profesing Christians but quite moderate - both of my parents were scientists so they didn't really push the religion too much, we didn't even go to church on our own, it was mostly the school that's responsible for my initial "spiritual development". By showing a few touching "religious" movies, sermons in churches, "spiritual days", religion lessons etc, thy got me very keen on religion and wanted to be a nun for a long time. I can clearly remember, I must have been around 7 or 8, while watching "Brother Sun Sister Moon" I felt strongly compelled to take off my shoes and stand up and follow Jesus barefeet for the rest of my life! It was so powerful I don't even know how I managed to stay seated in class... So I was hooked, at least for a long time to come.

 

Then we moved to another country with my mother (who was by then divorced from my dad) and after some thinking and talking with lots of other people (also online), I went from a devout Roman Catholic to an even more devout "non-denominational Christian". I realized that some teachings of Catholicism were "unbiblical", but I believed I had a personal relationship with God so all of that wouldn't matter, God knew what he was doing. I had dreams of studying in a Bible school, becoming a teacher of religion to children, having a Christian family etc etc. I still know most of the Bible by heart, I even read the Bible in Hebrew and Greek using online dictionaries. I prayed 2-3 hours a day and loved it. I joined a lot of online Christian communities, even led my own group - we wrote Bible studies, devotionals, couselled each other and attempted to convert others to our faith.

 

One of the things that really affected me was meeting a gay person in my school. I never considered what I thought about homosexuality before - I knew I was straight myself and I was quite convinced that homosexuality was a grave sin at worst and a dangerous mental illness at best. Now this man was neither a criminal nor appeared mentally ill, in fact he was a Christian with the deepest faith I had met to that day. He had just come out of a divorce after marrying a woman and having children with her, thinking that God was going to change him to being straight. But God didn't change him... it was perhaps the first "reality shock" to my faith.

 

But I didn't give up and continued being a very active Christian online. One of the places I joined was a more scholarly Bible discussion forum because, well, I was "on fire" for God and wanted to know more about His word. I was posting for about 2 months and people really liked me there, but then the discussion got to women's service in the Church and suddenly some older men were very keen on pointing out not only that I was wrong about my beliefs, but that I was underage. Well, out of obeyance I left... but the whole thing left me shaken again. Was it just these men who were evil and trying to deceive me about what I believed was my calling? (Note, my life was saturated with supernatural experiences, I was hearing "God's voice" etc...) Should I deny what I believed was "the Holy Spirit" in me? Or was I just really making up those voices on my own when God's word was clearly against them?

 

I was also struggling with a decision to study at university, just at the same time. Everyone was telling me I was very gifted in the sciences and I was also getting very good grades. But my dream had been to study theology and I was convinced that was what God was telling me to do as well. So there was only one thing to do, lots of prayer and thinking and Bible reading, and more forums to see if other people thought the same way! I was struggling a lot in this period, and doing crazy self-flaggellating stuff because I was convinced that if anything was wrong, it was with me and not with God, and I was ready to show him that I would follow him no matter what and I would also repent of my sins etc etc.

 

I was then suddenly invited to a Catholic Theology discussion group - it felt like it was the sign I was just waiting for! But it was everything BUT that sign... We were talking about Creationism (which I never really subscribed to, I thought Genesis should be understood metaphorically etc). The guy leading the group was arguing that only Genesis could be right and everything science said was wrong. I was arguing that Genesis and science should be reconciled. And there was an atheist, who was arguing that the accounts in Genesis 1 and 2 were in contradiction with science, each other, and themselves. He seemed very intelligent and quite nice - he puzzled me because he didn't fit the "typical atheist" picture I had in my mind. I could foresee that he was going to get kicked from that group simply because he wasn't a Christian - he didn't accept the authority of the Bible, didn't even believe in God. However, I felt a strong urge to tell this person about what I believed was the truth of Jesus Christ and after some prayer I was convinced I knew what I had to do: I decided to email him and start a private conversation about some of the topics we had in that group.

 

To make a long story short, this was followed by 6 months of daily emailing and, towards the end, intense suffering as I realized he was right and my faith just couldn't be true. I fought hard to defend it, as hard as I could, and despite I begged God on my knees through many sleepless nights not to let me fall away from faith, and to answer my compelling questions, it happened. I even withdrew from the conversation at one point, because I wasn't sure whether having faith was more important than knowing the truth. I decided that the truth was more important and I was going to accept it no matter how uncomfortable it was going to be. Meanwhile I was struggling with the university application process - eventually I ended up applying to read natural sciences at one of the leading universities in the world, and got in. Without that atheist challenging me right there and then, I think I would have ended up studying theology in some random Bible school. Now I realize what a waste of time and effort that would have been!!

 

It turned out it *was* very uncomfortable, and even now, almost 3 years later, I keep getting nostalgic about all the lost dreams. I also feel as if my past "self" weren't even me any more. I am now aware I hurt a lot of people (especially the gay friend who really didn't deserve it) as a Christian, thinking I was doing God's work. I'd never do that again and I don't even know how to make up to them for it. I feel that a lot of my "naivety" (call it "innocence"?) has been lost permanently - I have lost trust in an external being caring for me, I don't feel like the child of an almighty God, and I no more feel loved unconditionally. I miss prayer - if I attempt to pray, it feels like I'm shouting in a desert; I have tried meditation but I can't do even that because I feel like I'm cheating on a God I no more believe in. I have struggled with depression, although it's slowly getting better.

 

But there were positive sides to it, too. I feel I am now free to think - I am not afraid of ending up with thoughts that lead to the "wrong conclusion", I feel free to think anything. I know I don't have the truth but I'm convinced that I'm now still closer to it than I was before, which makes me happy I walked the difficult way after all. My health has improved greatly after my deconversion (in the deconversion struggle I got a nervous breakdown, lost a lot of weight and was generally very unwell...). I am enjoying the university course very much, it looks like this is what I want to do. I have also had a chance to work at a research lab over the past two summers, very successfully. My relationship with my family has improved a lot - I am no more the religious nutcase they couldn't put up with. I have also met a wonderful man with whom we share mutual love, and, despite he can't substitute for the God I had, his care and love for me fills me with happiness and I feel lucky to be in such a relationship.

 

What was really difficult after my deconversion was disappearing from the religious circles I was in. I told everyone the white lie, "God is calling me for something else". I only "came out" to one friend, and while she was pretending not to think any bad of me, our conversations became so uncomfortably redundant afterwards that we just broke contact.

 

*sigh*

 

Anyway, depressed as I may sound, I'm actually quite happy at the moment, so don't worry, it's just the past story. :-) Thanks for asking anyway, and I'm looking forward to reading your stories too. It is great to be here.

 

PVC

[Legion]

PVC I think that was an excellent story. Thank you for sharing it with us. I am at a loss for words in describing how it made me feel. It brought me hope, and the strength of your character shines through.

 

I believe your presence here is a welcome addition, and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.

 

Once again, welcome and thank you.

[Skiergirl24]

Thanks for sharing your story. I too went to Catholic School. Oh those horrrrrrrrible plaid skirts and penny loafers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The-Captain]

Hey, welcome to the site and thanks for sharing that amazing story. Im glad you were able to break free and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future. Its amazing how closely parts of your experience mirror my own, the best part about coming here was finding out how we arent alone but in the best of company. It seems like you already are getting your life back on track, that brings a smile to my face and hope to my heart. Anyway welcome again, best of luck, and happy holidays!

[Guest Syllogistic Anomaly]

"Coming out" was a hard thing for me to face, too. The friends that I'd lost weren't many, but some of them I really miss. And we can't be friends. It's not me and it's not them, it's their religion. They can't consider themselves a good, caring friend without trying to get me back into the flock. It's hard on a relationship of any kind.

 

Good luck with your studies.

 

Muffie

[R. S. Martin]

PVC, thank for sharing your story. That title, "How God Left Me" reminds me of one of my bitterest complaints about Christianity (not the reason I left but bitter none the same): BROKEN PROMISES.

 

He promises so strongly: I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. Let not your heart be troubled; neither let it be afaid. Ye believe in God, believe also in me.

 

So many people draw consolation from that verse. But he is the "God who wasn't there."

[Guest WarrantedPVC]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome.. you really do make me feel at home here. I wish I had known this site while I was deconverting... it would have made things so much easier.

 

It's such a difficult thing to go through... I consider it "over" for me now, and apart from the occasional nostalgia or guilt or feeling I'm mad, I feel quite OK about it these days. I mean.. sometimes I do get reminded of it, sometimes I feel wounded and sometimes I even feel there might be a chance that one day I will be dragged into it again simply because it felt so good. But I am glad to say there seems to be an "end to the tunnel", it's slowly getting better and I am not all depressed at this point in time! But while I was deconverting I really didn't know what that end was going to be, and I can only hope that sites like this and stories like yours and mine can make it less painful for those who are going through it today.

 

PVC

[Freethinker]

Just when I had thought I'd seen every type of deconversion story....

 

Your deconversion story is extremely opposite of mine and most that I have read. Yours is more intense, more emotional, more spiritual. You were much more connected to God. I only realized recently, after reading the first few chapters of Marlene Winell's book "Leaving the Fold," that I had no emotional connection with god when I was a christian. When I broke away from the faith I had very little resulting emotional or psychological reaction, and felt no emotional or spiritual loss or disconnection from god.

 

Your story is moving. And obviously you are very intelligent. Congratulations on your academic success, and apparent success in life in general.

[Freethinker]

But he is the "God who wasn't there."

 

This brings back a strong memory of me, kneeling before my window at night to pray before bed. I would look up at the sky and it was usually a starry night. I would wait until I felt some type of spiritual connection, and then begin to pray. In my late teens I began to realize consciously how empty this ritual was; I felt that I was connecting with something that was not connecting with me; I sensed no response. I once said out loud, "Why do I talk to you, but you never talk to me?"

 

You never talk to me...

 

...you're not there........

 

and the stars then become this distant, cold, unconscious distant force of isolation where there is no being who knows that I exist; I am hiding in my room in the dark, away from the uncaring universe

[Freethinker]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome.. you really do make me feel at home here. I wish I had known this site while I was deconverting... it would have made things so much easier.

 

It's such a difficult thing to go through... I consider it "over" for me now, and apart from the occasional nostalgia or guilt or feeling I'm mad, I feel quite OK about it these days. I mean.. sometimes I do get reminded of it, sometimes I feel wounded and sometimes I even feel there might be a chance that one day I will be dragged into it again simply because it felt so good. But I am glad to say there seems to be an "end to the tunnel", it's slowly getting better and I am not all depressed at this point in time! But while I was deconverting I really didn't know what that end was going to be, and I can only hope that sites like this and stories like yours and mine can make it less painful for those who are going through it today.

 

PVC

 

Indeed; sites like this one serve to comfort deconverts of Christianity; its like therapy.

 

I used to think about returning, but the thought of it just feels so empty. I could never enter a faith system that I knew was false no matter how much I wanted to. All it would be is "going through the motions" while knowing that everything you did was empty and meaningless and based upon a system of lies and false hopes; it kinda takes away the comfortable and happy feelings that come along with religion.

[Babelfish]

Just when I had thought I'd seen every type of deconversion story....

 

Your deconversion story is extremely opposite of mine and most that I have read. Yours is more intense, more emotional, more spiritual. You were much more connected to God. I only realized recently, after reading the first few chapters of Marlene Winell's book "Leaving the Fold," that I had no emotional connection with god when I was a christian. When I broke away from the faith I had very little resulting emotional or psychological reaction, and felt no emotional or spiritual loss or disconnection from god.

 

Your story is moving. And obviously you are very intelligent. Congratulations on your academic success, and apparent success in life in general.

And here I thought I was something of an anomaly. A good many of the deconversion stories are quite emotional. I just realized one day that I no longer believe in any of this shit. There wasn't really any sense of loss, just a bit of relief. Of course my deconversion was quite gradual, it took place over at least 4 years. I was effectively an atheist long before I admitted it to myself.

[GraphicsGuy]

Wow, PVC, that was really something! You have a way with words that allowed us to almost visualize along with you.

 

I can really relate to what you said about "God's voice", struggling to make the right career choice, and having to break contact with xian friends.

 

I sympathize with your sense of loss. How you wish it could be true yet you know it isn't.

 

Welcome!

[2Bornot2B]

PVC,

 

That was quite a story. I understand where you have come from. I once had a very emotional "connection" with god. That is behind me now but it was hard leaving. Congratulations on your newfound freedom.

[Guest SWK]

I am curious, what kind of things did this guy (the atheist) say to you that made you see Christianity/Catholism/Theism is wrong?

 

---

 

If you're a Christian, then please stay out of this section of the forum, or you'll be suspended without notice. /H

[Grandpa Harley]

Thanks for sharing your story. I too went to Catholic School. Oh those horrrrrrrrible plaid skirts and penny loafers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yet found strangely erotic by some cultures...

[Guest WarrantedPVC]

I am curious, what kind of things did this guy (the atheist) say to you that made you see Christianity/Catholism/Theism is wrong?

Hi SWK,

 

That conversation took 6 (almost 7?) months - it´s not possible to explain in a single post. If you are interested, you might have a look at some of my posts in the Lion´s Den, I am still waiting for believers to answer the questions which cracked me!

 

PVC (on holiday)

[hereticzero]

I can honestly relate to what you have gone through, though I was not Catholic but I loved the work I thought was truthful. I was in self-denial for many years about faith. There were many things that did not add up about the religion and I just could not be in it any longer. It helps to discuss how you feel with others. You will find that there are many people who have left Christianity and there are many more right behind you getting ready to leave.

 

Peace and welcome.

[MathGeek]

My story wasn't like that. After a while of ruminating, I've never had the emotional connection to the faith either. I really tried praying and such but I came to realize that prayer was a bunch of bull. I guess deconversion is torturous on some people, it's like taking a walk for others.

[MultifariousBirdLady]

I guess deconversion is torturous on some people, it's like taking a walk for others.

 

... and sometimes a bit of both.

 

Certain parts were not a big issue for me... Like PVC, I kept thinking that creationism and evolution could be reconciled somehow. If Genesis was read as a metaphor, and if God somehow had a hand in directing evolution, then hey, no problem (so I thought). When I took an evolution class in college I discovered that it wasn't really that simple. It's not a big deal to me whether the Divine had a hand in evolution or not, so issues like that were more interesting than painful for me to mull over.

 

But other ideas were profoundly disturbing for me. As a Christian I believed wholeheartedly in eternal hell and was terrified of it. I could vividly imagine what it might be like, and I sure didn't want to go there. Likewise, I could imagine how great it would be in heaven with a God that loved me and I wanted to be very close to this savior that would lay down his life for me. However, this belief that Yahweh/Jesus was a loving and fair God was shattered before my belief in hell was.

 

If it weren't for the fear of hell (and demons, a concept I was introduced to in the 7th grade), I might have left the faith far sooner than I did. So what happened as I was leaving was that I was terribly angry with the lies and manipulation, and convinced that if God/Jesus existed, they were assholes, but I still wavered on the issues of hell and demons. It's really terrifying to face whether you might be demon possessed or going to hell for eternity. At least, it was to me.

[Jedah]

From what Ive seen, the longer after deconversion the more you get over it. Think of it like getting out of an abusive relationship. The more you look back at the pictures of you together the longer it will take to get it out of your system. Stop going to church, go to a secular college, hang around likeminded intelligent people who don't need to believe in a nonexistent spook, and things will eventually get better.

[R. S. Martin]

But he is the "God who wasn't there."

 

This brings back a strong memory of me, kneeling before my window at night to pray before bed. I would look up at the sky and it was usually a starry night. I would wait until I felt some type of spiritual connection, and then begin to pray. In my late teens I began to realize consciously how empty this ritual was; I felt that I was connecting with something that was not connecting with me; I sensed no response. I once said out loud, "Why do I talk to you, but you never talk to me?"

 

You never talk to me...

 

...you're not there........

 

and the stars then become this distant, cold, unconscious distant force of isolation where there is no being who knows that I exist; I am hiding in my room in the dark, away from the uncaring universe

 

 

Have you see the The God Who Wasn't There? I haven't seen it but it was advertized on the Main Blog quite a while ago and the title resonated with me on a very deep level.