My Breaking Point

[Emme]

I will try to organize my thoughts and write a testimonial. However, my memory is a bit fuzzy (I’m great at repressing memories).

 

I grew up in a small town outside of Göteborg (second largest city in Sweden) in a Pentecostal family and church.

As a kid, I had a very strong sense of right and wrong, and I would get crushed if I saw someone being treated badly or unfairly. I hated when people got mad at me or each other and did everything I could to please people in my surroundings.

In school (public), I got a shock when I realized that not everyone is a Christian. At first I tried to convert everybody, but the responses made me so surprised and sad, I stopped expressing any opinion that could be criticized.

 

I wasn’t a happy kid. Being afraid of criticism, I started to live a double life, lying to everyone, both Christians and non-Christians. As puberty hit, I started to feel uncomfortable with the values expressed in church.

I realized I was a sexual person and that I enjoyed all the forbidden things; non-xian movies, music, books, alcohol etc. So I did all these things in secret with my non-xian friends, and remained a good xian with my family and xian friends.

 

Of course, this situation did not hold.

 

When I was seventeen I fell in love (I had had boyfriends, but nothing long term).

I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, and I wanted to be able to spend the night at his house, in the same room as him. Now, for the first time, I was forced to do something without lying, which could be criticized and looked down upon. I was literately sick to my stomach, sweating and worrying at the prospect of having to confront my parents!

 

So I told them exactly what I wanted.

 

“Mom, Dad, I want to spend the night at my boyfriend’s houseâ€

 

“No.â€

 

And then the arguments, fights, pleading, hurtful and violating conversations began.

I was forced to defend myself, discuss my views on sex (embarrassing for a seventeen-year-old), endure endless lectures and stand up for what I wanted and believed was right – and I hated it! But they couldn’t stop me this time, and I got my way (though our relationship has never been the same).

 

There are a lot of things to say about my de-conversion, but to me, this was the breaking point. After this, I started doing what I wanted and what I felt was appropriate (with various results!)

 

After this, I started expressing my opinions more, I started thinking for myself and questioning about everything I could. For example, a lot of my friends are gay, and I never knew what to say to them. Now I could accept them and love them without having to feel weird about it.

I now live with my boyfriend (not the first one though) and marriage is something I will do if and when I'm ready.

 

As a result from all this, I realized xianity was something I had done to please others. So I left.

 

I still struggle with memories, relatives, guilt and a lot of things, but I have an opinion now, and it’s making me happy to know that it’s valid and important. And if you don’t like it – so what?

[Guest Popsicle7]

Hi Burned,

 

Welcome. You are not alone here; you will find much support to be just who you are!

 

I can relate to much of what you said. Christians may accuse you of having the "sin" of pride, and not wanting to bow down to the rules of a higher power, as you make your own decisions. But as you go through this newfound life of yours, I think you will feel so free to love everyone and anyone, and do whatever the heck you want, because you are you, others are others, and who really cares as long as we are not hurting one another?!

 

I have only been deconverted about 6 months, and it has been tough. For example, I wish I could pray to someone to help me sometimes, and I find it sad that no one is there to help or to listen or care. I was so used to that. I often feel like no one really listens to why I left; they always make an excuse and never, ever blame "god". My Christian friends even tell me that it is impossible to leave Christianity, and that I'm just in a phase. I am learning that it boils down to only yourself, what you think, and learning that there aren't too many people who geuinely love, accept, and resepct you without condition.

 

Good luck in your new journey and life!

[Guest Popsicle7]

OOPS! I meant to respond to "Emme", not "Burned". Sorry about that!

[Emme]

I have only been deconverted about 6 months, and it has been tough. For example, I wish I could pray to someone to help me sometimes, and I find it sad that no one is there to help or to listen or care. I was so used to that. I often feel like no one really listens to why I left; they always make an excuse and never, ever blame "god".

 

I care!

 

I know the feeling, when you try to tell them why you left.

But of course they get uncomfortable since it's questioning their lives.

 

I find this site helps a lot, you understand that you are not alone. I joined just a couple

of days ago and was feeling really lonely, liek I was a frek that noone would understand,

but already, I feel so much better and I feel like I'm regaining my sense of humour, weirdly enough!

 

thanks for the welcome!

[Exclavius]

Hi Emme, and Welcome.

 

I know exactly what you're saying about re-finding your sense of humour.

I don't know how long it had been since i laughed for reasons other than to go along with other's mirth...

until i found this site myself. (just over a week ago) Posting my testimonial here was the most cathartic thing i've ever done.

 

We are all here for you, when you need to tell, and even repeat WHY you left... I've learned that there is no way you can ever find anything but frustration by telling other xians why you left, even the ones you love the most.

I don't like the reason, but i've come to accept it. By telling them, you're opening them to thinking about what they've been taught and indoctorinated into believing was a sin. You are not allowed to question.... Doing so is a sin, because it violates the issue of blind faith.

So.. they cannot understand, doing so would mean that they're questioning themselves.

All the self-hatred I myself have lived through derives from hating the fact that i couldn't stop asking questions, but "knowing" that these questions that kept coming into my head were going to send me to Hell.

 

They cannot understand, but you are NOT alone... I've felt, and I know you've felt it too, that you're alone a lot. But you're not.

 

We all have different stories, and fought different specific battles in leaving, but there is so muh in common with them all... So we all can empathize well.

Don't feel guilty for wanting to pray sometimes. (hehe, now if only I could follow my own advice on that)

Xianity is like alcoholism... the addiction doesn't go away, we just learn how to deal with it...

 

The living a double life... Lying to people to prevent confrontation. Been there done that.... sadly I haven't left that place yet though.

It's like a facade that automatically goes up in some situations, usually social ones, I suspect with some things you said, that you, like myself, find it worse around your family.

 

Pleasing your family is often one of the reasons people at least in name stay in xianity. It did play a definate role with me in the last couple years. Part of the brainwashing to avoid controversy is so that you'll just go along and not question... So that family by it's nature forces obedience. Your relationship with your family will never be the same. But look for what is still good about it, and enjoy that.

 

Anyways, welcome aboard, and welcome to reality.

[Legion]

Hey there Emme,

 

Welcome to Ex-C. Sex was a part of my deconversion too. The church was telling me that if I even looked at a woman with lust then it was a sin. I knew they were full of shit. Religion can’t compete with sex drive. They aren’t even close.

[ShackledNoMore]

The double life thing stinks! I'm glad you saw your way out relatively early.

 

And since I haven't welcomed you yet, welcome Emme!