Jump to content

I ruined my parent's Christmas Day and I feel very guilty


Recommended Posts

  • Admin

Sent in by Joseph


You remember Cypher? The traitor from the movie called The Matrix? There was a moment in the film when Cypher tells Neo..."Who oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill". Neo laughs at first...and then he becomes quiet...because he was silently wishing the same thing" Remember that moment in the film? Well, I had my Cypher "I wish I took the blue pill" moment today...of all days Christmas.


I ruined my parent's Christmas Day and I feel very guilty. I've been harboring doubts about the existence of God for a very long time and today...I felt I had to express my feelings. I had to let them know what I felt...and now I feel guilty.


I love my parents very much...but too much faith in religion and all belief involved and I had it. I had to tell them what I thought was the truth. The truth is, from my perspective...God does NOT exist. I feel guilty because I told them this on Christmas Day. Am I wrong for saying this to them? Especially on a day like Christmas Day? I don't know.


I just know I can't keep this inside of me anymore. I had to say it...regardless of the consequences to me and my future. I love my parents very much...but I felt my gift was at least telling them MY truth from the many years of studying the Bible, reasoning, and thinking about God...which no longer made any sense for me.


Nevertheless, I tried to reason with them and they wouldn't listen. I understand why they won't listen...but I felt hurt for letting them think they let me down because I didn't believe their religious faith!


In essence...I tried to reason with my mother specifically. I was in the kitchen with her and we were having discussions about politics, music and then...at one point - religion and the Catholic services. (I grew up Catholic, by the way).


Something in me snapped and I had to tell her the truth. It all started with me telling my mother an innocent remark about a recent admission from the Archbishop of Canterbury. He announced to the world that the Nativity Scene of the Birth of Christ was most definitely a myth. I wanted to say something humorous to my mother about this...but she got ahead of me and gave me a shock..."Of course the Nativity happened."


It stunned me to realize my mother still actually believed this nonsense. I felt sorry for her and I wanted to open her eyes. Just once I wanted her to see something of what I learned and grasp what I've discovered. But to my horror...her religious faith in believing "God" and "Jesus" and the Catholic Church was so strong...no matter what I said...she wouldn't give in and felt heartbroken that I didn't "believe". Silently I thought to myself and I'm telling all of you out here...we really are all alone in this world and it's impossible to get through to people who refuse to see reason! That's the true meaning of nihilism! No wonder Nietzsche went mad!


In any case...I decided to lower the boom on my mother for the heck of it. Yes, I felt a vindictive streak and tried to show her that my reasoning was stronger and more logical than her faith. I gently told her this: all the Gospels that have been written about Christ...NONE of the people who wrote them EVER saw him. Not a single one actually saw the Christ. She simply said "so what". I told her the Gospel of Mark was the most underused of all the gospels because it was the most embarrassing. No Nativity scene, no Resurrection scene, not even a mention about Christ's genealogy. I rounded up my argument by telling her..."if you believe in God...why bother? Since God is "real"...there would be no need to "believe"! She still refused to see reason and I felt defeated.


In the end...I realized my mistake in making my own mother broken hearted...so I backtracked on my "truths"..and "lied"...and told her I simply had alot of doubts about God and I still need a lot of "faith" to continue believing in God. I'm telling all of you this for a reason...if you have parents and people who really love you...something like this truth about the reality of existence is something too brutal, too frank for some people to absorb...like my parents. So...you just have to let them continue to believe in the myths they believe to be real...because otherwise they'd lose their reason to live and just die of apathy.


So in a way...I'm like Cypher now...I have this knowledge..and I wish I had taken the blue pill...but now I'm stuck because I chose to take the Red pill and can't go back. I just wish I had my own Trinity to comfort me right now and tell me...I"m alright and I made the right decision. I just feel very sad...because the truth not only hurts...it can hurt you if people you wish to learn the same thing...refuse to listen and lament you're unwillingness to "believe" and have "faith" in God.



Link to comment
Share on other sites

You did make the right decision about your beliefs, but you probably made the wrong decision in telling your parents. My father, a deep believer himself, and I watched "King of the Hill" one time. Dale, the frenetic conspiracy nut and pest control expert, was living in a delusion that Uncle Sam was out to get him. It turns out that his wife was cheating on him and birthed a son that looked nothing like Dale. All of Dale's friends knew the truth but decided to keep mum. I asked my dad why people would say quiet. He said something like this, "if he can't acknowledge the obvious, why is it our place to shatter it? Why should I be the one who causes his pain?" It's sort of like nosy neighbor syndrome, everybody knows except you. And I think your mother is safe in that position, and if she wants to be safe in that position, why shatter it? That is why I haven't told my parents about my outright disbelief in Yahweh. Realize this, you are a human being free to do your own thing. If it doesn't affect your parents, why tell them?


I apologize if I come across as callous, but if I were in your position, I don't think I could deal with that kind of regret.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Joseph,


I can understand why you told your parents. It sounds like you've kept your skepticism to yourself for a very long time... until yesterday. And while your parents may have been in ignorant bliss during that time, they also didn't have the opportunity to know about this aspect of your life, either. They didn't know that they were missing something important about how you thought about the world, but you did.


Sure, your mother was shocked and couldn't give very sensible answers to the topics you discussed. I think that's to be expected, especially because you caught her off guard. But don't be too hard on yourself for wanting to share your discoveries with your parents. Doing so allows them to see more of who you really are, instead of who they simply think you are.


You and your parents sound like you really love each other. Although it may be hard for a while when/if you discuss religion with them, remember that being honest about who you are and what you think with your parents is one of the ways you can show that you love them. They probably don't want you to feel like you should live a lie when you are around them, either. It's a matter of honesty. For you to back off like you did was an act of kindness given your parents' reactions; in time perhaps they will not react so strongly and you won't need to. Remember, too, that you don't need to feel defeated just because your parents don't agree with your thinking. They are very invested in their worldview and don't necessarily feel the need to use logic the way you do.


It was very hard for my parents when I told them that I wasn't a Christian anymore, but over time they got used to it, and although we disagree with each other on religious topics, our relationship now has never been better. We can be honest about what we think without feeling like the other person is betraying us if they don't agree. Perhaps in time you and your parents will find that you can be closer as a family without needing to agree about religion, too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've told my parents twice and it seems to go over their heads. My dad gets so upset and loud that I do not bring up the subject. I don't want it to seem like I brag about leaving the church but I do help and talk to others who have left the cult of the Christinazis. I don't have any regrets and it took me about two years to get over my feelings of guilt. I discovered that the more I talked about leaving the church with others, the better I felt about myself. give yourself time. You'll be just fine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.