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Goodbye Jesus

50 Fun Things To Do At Church


MathGeek

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1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."

 

2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".

 

3.Put stray dogs in coat closets.

 

4.Un-tune the piano.

 

5.Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".

 

6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

 

7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

 

8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.

 

9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"

 

10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

 

11.Start a wave.

 

12.Do cool things with the lighting.

 

13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".

 

14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

 

15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"

 

16.Make up your own words to the songs.

 

17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

 

18.Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

 

19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"

 

20.Dress all in black, or in camo.

 

21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.

 

22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

 

23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.

 

24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.

 

25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

 

26.Inflate balloons, then send them off.

 

27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.

 

28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

 

29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

 

30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

 

31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."

 

32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.

 

33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.

 

34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.

 

35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

 

36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.

 

37.Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"

 

38.Blow bubbles.

 

39.Fake a possession.

 

40.Distribute condoms.

 

41.Speak in tongues.

 

42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

 

43.Drool in the collection plate.

 

44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

 

45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.

 

46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".

 

47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.

 

48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.

 

49.Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"

 

50.Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

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hmmm

"Open fire"

was not in the list... opps! Did I say that? lol

 

 

Yeah you did.. Edited for uneccessary roughness. Calling bullshit on this post Mike, "Not Funny", "lol".

 

I'm Skip N Church and I approved this post's edit.

 

kFL

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My grandfather and I used to play tic tac toe throughout every service. We'd use the pencils and info cards that every pew had. My mother would try to stop us, but she would sit at the other end of the pew, for some reason she never actually pulled me away from him. Ever.

 

My sister and I would actually fight over who gets to sit next to him, we greatly enjoyed his distractions; sometimes I think he was just as bored as we were, if not even more so. After all, he could understand what the sermons were about.

 

Everytime the collection plate would come around, he would flick the bottom of it with his thumb and create a loud metallic "Crack" that echoed throughout the church. What was his reasoning? "It sounds like I put a quarter in there, but I didn't!" I always thought that was funny, because even I knew a quarter was worthless in my day and age!

 

But my all time favorite grandpa antic (and one that my mother was PISSED at for awhile) was when my grandfather put a $5 bill in the collection plate and took out 4 singles as "change". :lmao:

 

Never thought about this, but I think he may have been early "comic relief" with me, showing me you will not go to hell if you have a little fun with the service.

 

I miss him greatly sometimes. He was the musician/artist of my family. The one I take after mostly. I was very close to him growing up.

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This is priceless. I would love to see the reactions on people's faces.

 

Marty, what did the people in the church do when your grandpa got change?

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14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

 

I wore an ankh before and everyone came up and complimented me on the cross design. No one really understood what it represented. I also wore a mobius symbol and everyone wanted to know why the figure '8' was on its side. I explained it was tired and wanted to be a '9'.

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You could also spike the sacramental wine with vodka.

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Marty, what did the people in the church do when your grandpa got change?

 

I was young, probally no more than 11 or 12. I do not remember anyone's reaction but my mother's, and she had that look that mom's get only once in awhile when you really fucked up. My grandfather sat on the end of the pew, so an usher would have been right there waiting to pass the collection plate to the next row, but I do not recall what reaction he had, if any. I imagine the only witness' to it were the usher and my mother, maybe a few others around us. Our church was a large one, held at least 500 people.

 

When we were all at Denny's after the service, I remember asking why it was bad taste to take change out. I didn't understand why what he did was "wrong". But then again, I never understood why god needed money anyway...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks, I really needed a good laugh.

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14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

 

I wore an ankh before and everyone came up and complimented me on the cross design. No one really understood what it represented. I also wore a mobius symbol and everyone wanted to know why the figure '8' was on its side. I explained it was tired and wanted to be a '9'.

 

That is funny, I tried a similar joke with my students. I told them the number 8 wanted to take a nap and he never woke up. Most of them gave me that 'deer in headlights' look.

 

By the way, would Spanish fly work as well for the communion wine?

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