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Goodbye Jesus

Self Destructive


zefferus

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I've been hanging around here for a few weeks, reading on the Forum, trying to figure out how this deal works. I was having a hard time relating to the level of anger and resentment I felt coming from so many of you. I mean christians aren't bad, just mistaken, or maybe misguided, right? Then I stumbled across the article "Not Ready To Be Nice" and it started to sink in.

I've done a lot of self-defeating, destructive things in my life that I had to face and take responsibility for. I just never imagined that doing what everyone said was best for me would turn out like this. I mean it was Church and God and Recovery and Higher Power. It's not like I was going to the dope man's house, or the liquor store. So, God is imaginary, but right now that feels like a really bad joke and it just isn't funny anymore.

I've learned some things about myself in the past couple of years in addiction recovery. I'm typically a loner and very stubborn, but I can get over things in stages if I don't give up. This hurts. Not enough to get loaded over, because things quickly go from bad to worse for me when that happens. I turned back to God to save me from myself. Man, what a frickin bust!

I've probably read this through a few dozen times as I've written, wanting it to be perfect and postponing clicking on the post tab. Oh, did I mention that along with addiction you get control issues and passive-aggressive tendencies. (See, sarcasm, I must be feeling better.) A part of me accepts asking for support so I'm going with that part, I'm asking for support.

Thanks

Dawson

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Hey Dawson.

 

I think what you're going through is completely normal. "What now" is that you will slowly recover from your exposure to Christian brainwashing. It takes a lot of time. It took me literally years. If you want to include the time I started to question and become a more liberal Christian, more than 10 years.

 

Christianity does a great job of building up fear in you. That fear is used to manipulate you to do and think things that aren't logically rational. It will take time and reconditioning to shed that fear.

 

I too did many self-destructive things due to Christian influence. The biggest being getting married very young and having a lot of kids. Then there was giving up or turning down certain jobs. And not being true to myself and denying the fact that I am transgendered. The list goes on and on and on...

 

You don't really get it until you mentally step away from it enough to realize that it's a big cruel joke and the joke's on you. This is exactly the reason why xtians still steeped in the brainwashing dogma have a hard time understanding why we are angry. Many of us got into xtianity in the first place because we were at an emotionally vulnerable and fragile point in our lives and we sought something to "fix us." Then we realize that that the euphoric feeling xtianity gave us was just an aspirin and what we really needed was chemotherapy...

 

Give yourself time. And allow yourself to be angry if you need to be. This is the best place to do it. Much better to vent your anger here than in a church with a semi-automatic...

 

Kel

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Dawson,

 

I don't want to come off as trite or patronizing, because I believe your situation is very serious. But I wonder if you can look at it in a different way. You turned to God for help for your addictions initially, am I correct? Well if we believe that God is imaginary then really the person who helped you was you. You don't need God, because God was never there in the first place. You need to tap into that place inside yourself where you got the strength from before. You thought it was God at the time, but it wasn't. That strength is still in you.

 

It's a big step for a stubborn loner to put himself out there, like you have here. Give yourself credit.

 

Welcome!

 

Heather

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Thanks kelli, and Heather for your encouragement. I guess this isn't just a matter of saying I no longer believe. Things get so much more complicated when I'm around my kids, friends, and people I work with who can't understand the change in me. I've been told I can't save my face, and my ass at the same time. I think it's ass saving time. :grin:

Dawson

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Hey grumpydog, welcome!

 

Just wondering what changes people are seeing in you?

 

Maybe I'm reading your OP wrong, but are you saying that you used to be self-destructive and now you aren't or is it the other way around?

 

I'm sorry if I'm just reading something wrong...lack of sleep I suppose... :D

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There's quite a few ex-cog-ers here, including myself. Welcome.

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Hey grumpydog, welcome!

 

Just wondering what changes people are seeing in you?

 

Maybe I'm reading your OP wrong, but are you saying that you used to be self-destructive and now you aren't or is it the other way around?

 

I'm sorry if I'm just reading something wrong...lack of sleep I suppose... :D

 

Hey graphicsguy, thanks

I started out being fairly open with people about my rejection of the whole God/HigherPower thing. That's the change I mentioned. As for the self-destructive part, I don't know if it's either, or. I'm less so now than I was. I think I need to work on communicating more clearly. Sometimes I assume, rather than explain.

Anyway, I hope I answered your questions.

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Oh yes, you cleared up what I thought you were saying...which was pretty much what you said above except I did not realize you were being open about your rejection of God. Yeah, that's tough. It makes people uncomfortable REALLY fast.

 

As for self-destructive/addictive behaviors, I understand those. While I'm not self-destructive/nihilistic anymore (beyond the occasional moment of it), I still have a few addictive...er...patterns that I follow. Still, completely different than when I was a Xian though. I'm far better now than I was.

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People tend to grow up believing in the power of prayer to get one's self out of something. When in fact, it is a crutch. The power is within yourself.

 

Welcome, and the best to you in everything YOU do for yourself.

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Howdy, grumpydog!

 

I think you'll find acceptance here with the rest of us xtians. I've been on this board a short time and I've learned when it comes to posters, don't take it on the chin. There is no turning the other cheek here. If someone posts something you do not believe or understand, feel free to challenge the poster but keep an eye on what section you are in because some sections have special requirements as to who can post and what type of responses are allowed. The Lion's Den is always open season! Crucifixians daily, line starts on the left--nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

 

Here's a picture I picked up at Pat Condell's website. The guy is an unapologetic atheist that makes a lot of sense. He also has many videos explaining his idea of atheism, christianity, and just about everything that pisses him off.

 

www.patcondell.net

God_bless.jpg

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Thanks to everyone who posted replies. I do feel welcome here. A special thanks to heretic zero for the cartoon and the Pat Condell link, good stuff. For Kelli, I guess it's a good thing I don't have a semi-auto, lol. See you on the Forums.

Dawson

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