Guest antibarbie Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Every time I talk to my Mother, I can't help but feel rage building inside me and I know it comes across. I just can't help it. I tried so hard to be a good Christian girl but I just couldn't. I always had questions and people were always finding ways to dismiss or deflect them. The idea of the Christian God disturbed me. As a child I would sometimes wake up after hearing a loud noise in the middle of the night and for a split second I would think it was Armageddon. I was very anxious and afraid all the time. I finally read the entire OT when I was 18/19 and I was disgusted. I felt Christianity was not my forte and started looking into other religions but none of them fit ether. I was still Christian in name but shirked Church and prayer. I still felt that Christianity might be real and I was scared both in the madman known as the Christian God and that I was now doomed to hell because of the way I felt. It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally started looking into agnostic and atheist viewpoints and I felt a sudden weight lift off of me. I never realized how little damn sense it all made when you look at it from a purely logical standpoint. It was a sham, a fake, a ruse. I felt embarrassed for being so naive and downright furious that my Mom dragged me through this hell and it has been utter hell for me. I've been on and off anti-anxiety meds because I have been diagnosed with two different anxiety disordered, been diagnosed with severe depressive disorders, would suffer from terrible anxiety attacks all because my Mother decided to feed me a load of fairytales that have helped enable her irresponsible, fantasyland mentality. Her inability to deal with reality has caused me enough angst and issues to fill several lifetimes. I hate that she is incapable of accepting that I am not just going through a phase. I hate that she wants to debate me when she can't make a single statement that is evenly slightly rational and makes stuff up to validate her ridiculous viewpoints. I hate that deep down I think she knows I am right but is too damn weak and too much of a coward to face it. How do I get past this? Most of my family is very cold and toxic, all I really have is my sick, elderly Gram that lives with my Mom, my Mom, brother (who is still a kid) and Sister (who is mindlessly Christian too) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest antibarbie Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Every time I talk to my Mother, I can't help but feel rage building inside me and I know it comes across. I just can't help it. I tried so hard to be a good Christian girl but I just couldn't. I always had questions and people were always finding ways to dismiss or deflect them. The idea of the Christian God disturbed me. As a child I would sometimes wake up after hearing a loud noise in the middle of the night and for a split second I would think it was Armageddon. I was very anxious and afraid all the time. I finally read the entire OT when I was 18/19 and I was disgusted. I felt Christianity was not my forte and started looking into other religions but none of them fit ether. I was still Christian in name but shirked Church and prayer. I still felt that Christianity might be real and I was scared both in the madman known as the Christian God and that I was now doomed to hell because of the way I felt. It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally started looking into agnostic and atheist viewpoints and I felt a sudden weight lift off of me. I never realized how little damn sense it all made when you look at it from a purely logical standpoint. It was a sham, a fake, a ruse. I felt embarrassed for being so naive and downright furious that my Mom dragged me through this hell and it has been utter hell for me. I've been on and off anti-anxiety meds because I have been diagnosed with two different anxiety disordered, been diagnosed with severe depressive disorders, would suffer from terrible anxiety attacks all because my Mother decided to feed me a load of fairytales that have helped enable her irresponsible, fantasyland mentality. Her inability to deal with reality has caused me enough angst and issues to fill several lifetimes. I hate that she is incapable of accepting that I am not just going through a phase. I hate that she wants to debate me when she can't make a single statement that is evenly slightly rational and makes stuff up to validate her ridiculous viewpoints. I hate that deep down I think she knows I am right but is too damn weak and too much of a coward to face it. How do I get past this? Most of my family is very cold and toxic, all I really have is my sick, elderly Gram that lives with my Mom, my Mom, brother (who is still a kid) and Sister (who is mindlessly Christian too) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SWIM Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 A LOT of the anger (not all of it mind you) comes from being mad at YOURSELF for letting yourself believe it so long. Oh yes, they carry the most blame cause they fed it to you, no doubt, but "believing it yourself" hits home in a personal way, and we feel guilty sometimes for "letting" ourselves get sucked in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Xianity is really, really bad for anyone who suffers from mood disorders and/or depressive tendancies. There are many one here (myself included) whose lives were turned into this roller coaster of suffering due to religion and our own issues. How you feel is completely normal, but I am afraid that it's not going to go away if you're in a bad situation. Keep contact to a minimum... Good luck and welcome to the site! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest antibarbie Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 A LOT of the anger (not all of it mind you) comes from being mad at YOURSELF for letting yourself believe it so long. Oh yes, they carry the most blame cause they fed it to you, no doubt, but "believing it yourself" hits home in a personal way, and we feel guilty sometimes for "letting" ourselves get sucked in. I feel a lot of anger towards myself. I feel VERY ashamed and disgusted with myself for being so damn blind and gullible but I don't feel guilty. I refuse to feel guilty for something that was beaten into my head as a child and continuously reinforced by others throughout my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SWIM Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 A LOT of the anger (not all of it mind you) comes from being mad at YOURSELF for letting yourself believe it so long. Oh yes, they carry the most blame cause they fed it to you, no doubt, but "believing it yourself" hits home in a personal way, and we feel guilty sometimes for "letting" ourselves get sucked in. I feel a lot of anger towards myself. I feel VERY ashamed and disgusted with myself for being so damn blind and gullible but I don't feel guilty. I refuse to feel guilty for something that was beaten into my head as a child and continuously reinforced by others throughout my life. Shame and disgust at one's self is a product *of* self guilt. When you decide it is not your fault, and that you were lead down the prime-rose path, then you can stop being ashamed and disgusted, get over the guilt, and then function normally. The anger is a natural by-product of being dupped. Many people that get *conned* by con men out of their savings are MORE mad at themselves for being conned then they are the con man. Ever had a "practical joke" played on you? Sometimes we don't get mad at all at the jokester (sometimes), but inside we say "how could I have fell for that?". See what I mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Every time I talk to my Mother, I can't help but feel rage building inside me and I know it comes across. I just can't help it.... all because my Mother decided to feed me a load of fairytales that have helped enable her irresponsible, fantasyland mentality. Her inability to deal with reality has caused me enough angst and issues to fill several lifetimes. I hate that she is incapable of accepting that I am not just going through a phase. I hate that she wants to debate me when she can't make a single statement that is evenly slightly rational and makes stuff up to validate her ridiculous viewpoints. I hate that deep down I think she knows I am right but is too damn weak and too much of a coward to face it. How do I get past this? Most of my family is very cold and toxic, all I really have is my sick, elderly Gram that lives with my Mom, my Mom, brother (who is still a kid) and Sister (who is mindlessly Christian too) Welcome to the site... I first came to this site in 2005. I was full of rage nearly that entire year. Basically 24/7. I have never felt anything like it in my life. My only advice is you have to kind of "ride it out." But try not to add fuel to that fire either if you know what I mean (well, I did burn a bible which helped a lot but that's a bit different... ). So with that in mind I thought I'd mention a few things I noticed in your post. Try to understand that your mom probably didn't feed you this stuff with any ill motive in mind. I know that you can see that she uses it as a crutch and that this crutch has caused you quite a bit of pain but try to understand that she, most likely, just was doing what she was taught or was doing what she thought was best for you. If you can understand that then that will help lower your anger a bit. Sadly religion is so common that it's more a universal "crime" than something one person inflicts on another at this point. The next thing. You don't know that she finds it to be false as you do. Stop projecting this. Think about it. She may be telling herself the very same thing about you "I know antibarbie thinks it's real so I'll keep debating!" This will keep you deadlocked. You don't want this or need this right now. Accept that she thinks it is 100% totally real and leave it at that. If she tells you that she knows that you think differently simply tell her she is mistaken and you find it false. Leave it at that. Don't argue. Don't leave room for her to think your thoughts or to think you might be convinced otherwise. Just say you find it 100% false. Tell her the arguing is making you very angry and you would prefer to not be angry so you will not argue any longer. Simply stop the conversation with your position statement but also accept her position that it is real to her. If absolutely none of this works then you may have to simply stop contact with them if possible. It is a drastic step but quite a few have had to take it. It would try drawing the boundaries I mentioned above and see how that works first. But remember that you must stick to them as well. No making them stop talking and then you taking shots. You'll probably have a lot of anger to work out and since your family is off-limits you'll probably need to find a counselor or you can talk it out online here or any number of forums. Michael is also right that you're probably angry that the whole thing is a lie and you feel like a sucker. I had that too. Lots of these things are normal. But it will work out over time (it varies for each person). mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amethyst Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 It simply takes time to deal with. Things like journaling, working out to relieve stress, and talking to a professional counselor can help, but either way, it takes time. The amount of time varies from person to person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 antibarbie: ExC is useful to blow a ton of bullshit right out of your life's colon. Sounds gross? Look at what the burden of being constipated with all the religious crap does to your life and thought processes. I'll invite you to rant, rage, and say what you need to do to help the inner heal while the outer is freeing itself of the trappings and garbage of *church*. No one here is gonna be offended about what comes out of your keyboard in reference to your life_now as compared to life_then. So many of we at ExC share such similar stories, the pain, agony and the sheer waste of time, energy and coinage given to the robed and suited whores whom we once admired. Come, sit down, keyboard away the thing you want advice on, things you would like to unburden, and then the items that are blocks you find are fucking your life up now. There is no singular Easy Answer. BUT!! There are tons of answer-ers here at ExC who with some more knowledge of you and your life can say "Come, listen, we may be able to help." kL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RankStranger Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 antibarbie- I've never directly argued with my parents about religion... they're too polite to try and save my soul from hell. But I was angry when I was younger about how I was raised... that they fell for the myths, lies, and bullshit. I was raised to be ignorant and fearful; I made it to the age of 18 with my sanity barely intact, but completely unprepared for the outside world. Very shortly after I got out of high school, I moved several hundred miles away... lived, learned, made up for lost time. For quite a while, I was angry with my parents for much the same reasons that you are. I've come to realize, though, that they did the best that they knew how. They always MEANT well... they simply didn't know any better. I can forgive that. Another way I look at it is this: Christianity is a lot like a virus. It infects a host, forces the host to spread the virus. It mutates, evolves, multiplies... just like a virus. Some forms of it are benign, some are deadly. My immune system happened to fight it off; theirs didn't. In a very real sense, they're sick... and I can't hold that against them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellsybop Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Hi there.. and welcome. As long as you realize that you aren't the only one who goes through this, then you realize you're not alone. We are a growing group of people. One day I can only hope that this whole scam will get exposed and debunked, but only time will tell. I feel this anger when I go out to eat with a very dear couple and she insists on saying prayer over meals. I ask, why do you assume praying is good for everyone here? But, I think about which item I want to eat first while she does this. Your feelings are perfectly normal. Try to accept the idea that some people aren't ever going to change their thinking. Mostly because they are afraid to question for fear of going to hell. Maybe turn the conversation before it gets started. Or, like someone else said, put some distance in the visits. But, nevertheless, the best to you on your positive journey my friend. You'll love yourself again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts