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My Gradual Deconversion


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Please excuse my sloppiness and or spelling



My first questioning of god came whenever i was sent off to an all-male military school at 17. it was a time of extreme depression and loneliness, every night i would pray for god to help me or relieve my suffering, this was about the strongest in my faith i have ever been but he did little to help . my only other escape was music, mostly classic rock(zeppelin, ozzy etcc). but one day from a mail order brochure i sent off for some newer music, 2 c.ds i got were from a controversial band i've been told was to bee the downfall of society , well i say band it was really one man at the center of this controversy. marilyn manson. i got his c.d antichrist superstar and lest we forget ( the best of). the first time i ever listened to the song reflecting god and heard these lyrics


I went to god just to see, and I was looking at me

Saw heaven and hell were lies

When I'm god everyone dies


a switch went off in my head,for the first time in my life someone said it was ok not to believe in god, in an unconscious way i had searching for someone to tell me that it was ok, taht someone else doubts in their faith. the other incident that finally seperated me was one day my friend had made me a cannibal corpse (death metal) t-shirt with sharpie that had a pentagram on the back a typlical staple of death metal imagry, a older kid at the school cornered me and told me did i know i was going to hell for wearing that?? i told him casually yes not really caring or beliveing him, and for the first time i was able to look from the outside in at how ridiculous that sound, a 5-pointed star would curse me to hell?? anyway i had a lot of time to kill at school and like most people i needed some way to repleace god, i decicded to become a god myself, i started studying magic witchraft watever you wanna call it. i got really into it, though of course saw no fruit from my labor,just alot of candle wax. that first summer out of military school i drifted into satanism, even did a one-man black mass ceremony which was really just me burning a bible with lighter fluid. one day i heard a preacher (still went to church with family) talk about pantheism, i thought that that sounded pretty cool. well after gradually fading away from that, i saw a man on t.v who called himself an atheist, he was on cnn, he argued eliquently against religion,even critisizing it for the hatred it caused in the hearts of people, and had a new book out that was causing some controversy. that mans name was christopher hitchens and the book was titled simply "god is not great". after about a 3 week waitng list, i finally got his book from the library. suddenly it all made sense and for the first time in my life i found someone with whom i could really agree, it was as if the void left by religion was filled with the warm knowledge that this world can exist without some magical boogeyman running it. now after a few more major freethought books and more in the future i can proudly throw out my bible, throw out my spellbook and replace it with a undeniable truth, not one of god but the truth of reason and freethought.


free at last free at last, from superstition I am free at last.

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I know what it's like to keep looking for someone who makes sense to agree with. I kept trying that within the Xian circle, but eventually you have to take your own path. When you do that then you're really free to grow as a human being (I'm just saying that is kind of your next step)...



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That mental disconnect between reason and faith is what made me leave as well. Glad to have you here, looks like we have some things in common.


Welcome to the site. :)

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