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Goodbye Jesus

I Never Believed


mikey

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I was raised in a Christian home. My mama is an elder in our family church. I attended church regularly and was baptized at the age of about 11. The trouble was that I never actually believed. I hoped with all my heart that when i came up out of that water I would suddenly be a believer. All i got was wet! The inability to believe in what everyone else believed was scary to me as a kid. I was so scared that I was going to go to hell because I couldn't make myself believe in God. I knew the drills and I could play the game with the best of them but I never really bought into any of it. It wasn't until i was about 14 when I realized that it wasn't MY problem. As soon as I came to that conclusion that I stopped going to church. After that I went for a long time without even thinking about religion much. If the subject came up with my friends I expressed my doubts and listened them tell me about how wrong i was. I learned to keep my doubts to myself.

Now I'm older and wiser and much more vocal about being an atheist. (and trust me, in Kansas Thats like telling people your into beastiality)

I still consider myself a "Cultural Christian" but i haven't attended any church services for a good 10 years (other then the occasional wedding or funeral).

I'm curious if anyone else shares my feeling of being a non-believer from the start.

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The only reason I believed is because I was told it was right. And fear of hell of course.

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I'm curious if anyone else shares my feeling of being a non-believer from the start.

 

YES!

 

And the other day I read a post that made me aware, to my horror, that it was probably only because I was a girl and not a precious male child, that I was hampered and restricted on all sides from expressing my real beliefs and forced to live a lie so many decades. But YES! I feel like I never was a real Christians. I went through the motions of living and believing with the hope and trust that it would come because they said it would but it never did.

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Same here, I guess. I gave it a honest try. I really thought God existed, but then I just fell into the agnostic category and have been here for a little while now.

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I'm curious if anyone else shares my feeling of being a non-believer from the start.

 

Well, yes and no. (That's really helpful, right? ;) ) I remember sitting outside one summer night with my mom & dad, looking at the stars,when I was probably in the first grade. And I asked them, if God made Jesus, then who made God? I don't remember what their answer was, or even if they had one. But even then, I thought it was odd that there was nothing in the Bible (or anywhere else) about how God came into being. Then I remember when I was probably a freshman in High School, and I brought home a book with the Bertrand Russell essay, "Why I am Not A Christian" in it. I remember trying to talk to my mother about it and how she got all panicky and told me not to read stuff like that any more. But I do remember it making a world of sense. I think I kept see-sawing back & forth with Xtianity for so many years because I desperately wanted to believe.

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