One Odd Thing I've Found Since Realising I No Longer Believed...

[mentalhh]

I've noticed that I care more about things. As a christian, I'll admit I was a prick. I didn't seem to care much about anything beyond my friends, family and my own and their 'salvation'. I testified on the net, but that was basically for my own benefit- I was scared when people told me that if I was ashamed of sharing my faith, Jesus would be ashamed of me. (Food for thought the next time a fundy testifies to you.)

 

In the last 9 or so months since becoming an ExC (its been 6 since I've admitted it outloud to anyone, my family still do not know) I've noticed I've changed quite alot. I CARE. I care more about that fact there are people out there dying. I care more that there are people without the same opportunities as me. I always cared about the environment (hence why I chose Biology as a degree). But I care with a larger intensity now. I guess I've always cared a bit about those things (deep down), but especially now I want to just go and DO SOMETHING about it. I have itchy feet here in Uni (I'm 2nd year). I once dreaded as a Cn, going out into the world, now I can't wait to go out there and make a difference.

 

I guess as a C, I never thought this life was important. I always though 'What was the point?' when we had eternal life just around the corner. (I'm such a bastard.)

 

This feeling is really really odd. Its been building up since I've admitted my unbelief to myself. But my urge to do something has really reached a high point in the last few months with no indications of it decreasing.

 

Has anyone else found this? Also how do I keep myself from going insane before I graduate? I did volunteer work over the summer past, thinking of doing that again. But I don't know if I can wait that long!

 

*bashes head on keyboard*

[Kenny]

I guess as a C, I never thought this life was important. I always though 'What was the point?' when we had eternal life just around the corner. (I'm such a bastard.)

 

Singing my song, you are! Yep. 100%. I don't think I was totally insincere, but I certainly did a lot of things because I felt it was what I "should have" done. But my heart was filled with apathy, so in accordance with the beliefs I held, those acts were pointless. This created a burden in my life! When I do something now, it's because I genuinely want to do it. I want to help. I want to encourage. I want to love.

 

And exactly like you said... I was just sitting around waiting for Jesus to come back so I could go "home". How utterly selfish. I wasted ten years of my life hoping the world would fall apart and I could be rescued before it went into the toilet completely.

 

Thanks for the honesty of this post, mentalhh. Just another example of how this forum allows me to address issues in my life and work toward fixing them and being a much better human being.

[XCCC]

Great post, mentalhh. I've been struck with the thoughts that people who are starving and dying of disease, poverty and oppression aren't somehow going to receive some kind of reward for their sufferings. They are just going to suffer and probably die. I'm not sure what to do about it all (I get overwhelmed). I do think, though, that I'm coming to have a truer sense of compassion since when I was a christian I assumed god would somehow make it up to them. I see now that acting in humane ways is more important as a non-christian than as a believer.

[florduh]

Hello.

 

Yes, things are different in the real world. Unfortunately, your experience translates to the bigger picture of fundamentalist whackos (of any religion) who couldn't give a shit about our people, world and future for the same reason you stated - eternal life is the only important thing to consider. Sure, they claim to care about and love a sick and dying world, but that just means they want to "save" everybody, or convert the "infidels." They view our planet as a temporary home not really worth fixing and maintaining. Now that you know better, you can actually contribute to the betterment of Earth's population!

 

- Chris

[MonolithTMA]

This is an interesting subject. Even though I've been a Christian for over 20 years, one the problems I've always had is what you describe. I wanted to do the right thing because it was the right thing and because it seemed true to me. I'm totally turned off by the thought of doing something for an eternal reward. Wouldn't you think it would make God happier if people did good things out of a genuine desire to do good? I didn't hang out in fundie circles, even at my most active periods. We had a few show up at bible study a few times, but their legalistic ways didn't ring true to us and we knew enough scripture to point out their errors scripturally as well as just plain logically.

 

Most of my Christian friends and other Christians I know really do seem to do things out of a love for Christ and genuine desire to help others. Any of them that evangelize do so out of this same love and compassion, and out of a genuine belief in hell, in whatever form that may be, and a great desire to not see anyone go there.

 

I have known many of the other types of Christians, the ones with they notches on their bible for everyone they have "saved". The ones who are always right, but use all kinds of circular reasoning to prove their points.

[upstarter]

This made me think, can you imagine if all the xtians took all the money they now give to the church or to missions and used it to feed the starving or to investing in alternative fuels or sending AIDS meds to Africa.

 

I know some of them do these things already, but think of all those dollars that are just being dumped into building giant steel and glass buildings or to sending annoying asses into the world to "spread the good news".

 

Heather

[GraphicsGuy]

I agree and can relate. I care a lot more about life now. I was really nihilistic in my last Xian phase...I hardly cared about anything at that point.

[Skiergirl24]

I could not have said it better myself!! I have become a BETTER person now that I gave up on religion. I was once a conservative-pro-life, against affirmative action, looked down on people, could care less about the plight of others. I actually LIKEd Ann Coulter. Wow, am I ever ashamed!!! Now I am much more empathetic and I CARE a LOT. I care about the peope in Africa dying of AIDS, I care about the victims of domestic abuse, I care about a woman having the right to control her own body.

[GraphicsGuy]

I was praying for god to wipe me off the face of the earth.

 

Ugh...yeah...I was praying that a LOT over the years...I couldn't handle the torment, my own "sin", and the pointlessness of existence.

[par4dcourse]

Good post. Here in Charlotte they (xtians) built a monster church on primo property that around 20 years ago cost 34 million. At the time, it was the most heavily financed church in the us. We laughingly called it the Mary Kay Motel for it's color. Imagine the good 34 mil would have done for people who needed it, instead of the rich coin parishioners.

My big hang-up, since losing belief in an afterlife, is that the idiot martyrs, of all religions, will just die, same as me. They'll never know how wrong they were. Can't have everything, I guess.

Again, good topic.

[Kenny]

I agree, during my last incarnation as a christian, by the end of it, I was praying for god to wipe me off the face of the earth. It took less than 6 months back in christianity to get me to that low point of depression. After I got free for good, it was like a huge weight lifted and I wanted to live, meet people, help in some way, I developed educational and career goals too.

 

Yes. Another level peeled away. I've seen you mention this before, Madame M. It's comforting to know that in yet another area of my life and my thoughts, I'm not alone.

 

In my previous post, I mentioned that I do have a much more caring heart since losing my faith. And as much as that has manifested in actions to really do my part as a husband, a father, an employee, and a friend... it's meant that I actually give a damn about myself again. How many times have I begged god to strike me down and just get it over with. End it. I couldn't even bring myself to feel pity for my family in my absence! I just wanted to leave. I wanted everything to just... stop. Admitting that is something I thought I'd never do, but it's like cleaning a wound. The dead tissue is scrubbed away and the healthy tissue can begin to regenerate and heal. I don't know if I would have confronted this aspect of my life without being prompted. I'd hoped to bury it and just go on now that I feel so much better about my life and my future. But I realize that I can't do that. I have to acknowledge it and learn from it. I've done that now and that part of me is gone. How exciting to move forward! Thank you, Madame M. You've done your good deed for the millenium by opening your heart up and letting the rest of us see inside. THANK YOU!

[mentalhh]

Wowa- thanks to everyone that has replied so far! Glad to know I'm not alone in this. Yeah shaking off the last shards of christianity was not the happiest of moments in my life. I was still desperatly clinging on by the end. Feeling worthless, depressed, wanting God to take me home from this planet before I did anything too bad to be let into heaven for. I felt alone. Church didn't help, Christian literature didn't help, the bible didn't help with my doubts when they came on top of me, only adding to my disbelief in the end. Still I used these for the last few months to cloud myself from the truth. To hide away.

 

It was like I was hanging off a misty, fog filled cliff by the fingertips, too scared to look down, near the end of my belief. I couldn't see anything from the fog which surrounded me. I couldn't see ANYTHING.

 

Then I decided to take a chance and let go of the cliff edge. I found out my feet had not been dangling above a spike filled casam at all. It wasn't a deadly steep plunge, more of a soft, gentle, bumpy fall down to a meadow. A few emotional bruises resulted, but nothing serious or permanent. I didn't become mangled emotionally. The air here is clearer and I can see around me better. I survived the 'fall' from 'grace'. Now settled on the green grass I look up at the mist filled small 'cliff' and wonder why I was so afraid. I can still see the outlines of people blundering about up there, some others just dangling like I was. A part of me wants to call out them, those just on the brink, to tell them it's not so bad. That if they want to let go, they can.

 

But somehow I think they'll believe me as the devil willing them to commit a suicide jump. They can't see it is only me, from the mist they surround themselves with. The same mist I tried to hide myself in.