Breaking Out Of My Sanctuary Of Silence

[Guest Kerry]

I've read many testimonies since joining this forum. Every testimony has touched my heart. There is one post that speaks to me the most. It is not a testimony. It is the "HEADS UP: Testimony forum Guidlines, for Christians, Especially". Reach's post means more to me than my own testimony.

 

Posting my testimony is a step towards trust. Trusting myself first. Second, trusting others...total strangers. If it weren't for Reach's post, I would remain in my sanctuary of Silence.

 

*Takes a deep breath*. Here goes.

 

It is difficult to let go of beliefs. As if letting go of my beliefs will mean I will lose part of who I am. And once I let go, I cannot get that part of myself back. She will be gone forever. It's like death. It's a pretty scary thought. I've struggled with this since I joined this forum.

 

I come from a long line of Catholics. My beliefs are.......were built on that foundation.

 

My brother, three sisters and I were born to Catholic parents, so of course we went to Catholic Mass. Mom took the five of us to Mass every Sunday. Dad rarely went to Mass. I don't recall mom and dad ever discussing God with each other or with us kids. We weren't raised in a fundamentalist environment. At least not at home. My brother, sisters and I were pretty much left on our own to form our own beliefs built on the foundation of Catholic doctrine.

 

When we were of age, mom took us to Confession. I always thought to myself "If I Have to go to Confession I Must have done something wrong (sin).

******************************************************************

When I was eight, I was sexually molested by the boy next door. I don't know how old Randy was. Maybe 13. Maybe 16. His dad was at work, and his mom had left to go to town. My mom was at work, dad was home with the five of us (It was Saturday, otherwise dad would have been at work). My brother and sisters had gone inside the house, and I knew I wasn't suppose to leave the yard without asking dad first. Randy told me that his mom had baked cookies and offered me some. I told him that I had to ask dad first. He said we wouldn't be long. I went with Randy to his house. After Randy molested me, he took me by the wrist and took me into the kitchen. He got a big knife out of the drawer.......then he took me out the back door. My kitten, who followed me everywhere, was at the back door. I picked him up with my free hand. I looked over to my house, there was nobody in the yard. I was scared. I couldn't scream......I couldn't run......... Randy took me behind the garage and told me that I was never to tell anybody. He told me he would kill my mom and dad and my brother and sisters if I told anyone. And to convince me he would kill them, he grabbed Puff out of my arm and killed him. I stopped crying. It was the first time I'd experienced death and what that meant.

 

I never spoke to anyone what happened that day. In my silence, I was protecting my family. A heavy burden for an eight year old. I remained silent for the next 38 years.

Silence was my sanctuary. It would prove to be a harmful sanctuary.

 

Randy and his mom and dad moved away two years later. I remained silent.

 

From this point on, my beliefs took a turn for the worse. I hated Randy. I wished him dead. I also started questioning God. Where was He? Why didn't he protect me? Was I being punished? Was I wicked? Didn't God Love me? I believed in God. I didn't know how to not believe.

 

We moved away from that place when I was twelve. I had become an angry child and I took out my anger on other children, my brother, my sisters, and the kids at school. I'm sure mom and dad wondered many times "what happened to our sweet little girl?".

 

When I was 14, Uncle Terry committed suicide. Several months later, Uncle Dwight molested me. By this time, I believed everything bad whether indirectly (someone I loved was taken from me), or directly (I was molested) that happened in my life was God's punishment.

 

When others weren't proving to me that I was evil, I proved it to myself. I stole a shirt from a department store once. I was well on my way of breaking all Ten Commandments.

 

The last straw: One day, while mom and dad were at work, the five of us were in the barn, jumping from the hay loft onto a pile of straw below (we were probably suppose to be cleaning up the barn). I was 15, my brother was 14. It was my turn to jump. Before I could get up and out of the way, my brother jumped. He rolled, pinning me down. He stood up, and I jumped up, grabbed the pitchfork leaned up against the wall and stabbed him in the foot! His shoe protected his foot for the most part, but one prong found it's mark. Mom had to come home from work and took Scott to the hospital for a shot. I was grounded for a week. Which meant I couldn't ride my horse (the worse of punishments).

 

I spent alot time in my room alone. It was here I started reading the Bible. Mostly the OT. I memorized verses on the "evil of man" and "God's Wrath" on the wicked. Verses such as "The LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually" . I believed I was evil. I deserved death. I deserve Hell. I don't deserve God's Love. I wondered if I could kill. Could I have killed my own brother?

 

This is the belief I formed on my own. It wasn't about others. I really never thought of others going to hell. I reserved that place for myself. I believed I was evil after all. It was the only reason God would punish me over the years. Of course the Christian answer to this is "Read Job.". I've read the book of Job so many times I could recite it from memory!

 

Now don't get the wrong idea. I have alot of good memories from my childhood. Too numerous to mention them all. I rode my hose (the only times I felt free). We went on family vacations. I was on the drill team at school. My sisters and I played on a summer softball league. We were always visiting family and friends.

 

Mom and Dad loved the five of us equally and unconditionally. No matter how often I tried to destroy their love for me.

 

It took alot of effort on my part to control my anger. Eventually I stopped lashing out at other children. I never lashed out at adults. Mom and dad had their "sweet little girl" back. But I knew better. The angry child was still there, just waiting to be released.

 

I left the Catholic Church when I married my Quaker husband. Talk about going from one extreme to the other! I left the Catholic Church, but I never let go of my beliefs from that time.

 

My husband and I have 3 sons. For the first 10 years of our marriage, life was good! I threw myself into taking care of my sons, my husband, taking care of the house. Sometimes I took a job outside the home to help make ends meet. I was too busy to think about God. Funny. The best time of my life was when I wasn't thinking about God.

 

Well the boys grew and as they grew they didn't need mommy so much. I had more time to think......and Yes, My thoughts turned to God....and all that came with it.

 

I was in my early 30's. I use to lie awake at night next to my sleeping husband, our boys were asleep upstairs, and I would plan my suicide. How many pills I would take. When I would take them *just before we went to bed". My husband would wake in the morning and find me dead. I planned my funeral in every detail. Who would be there. Dale and our boys in their little suits. Mom and Dad. My brother, three sisters and their families. Dale's family. I could picture myself lying in the casket.

 

When it came down to it.......I couldn't go through with it. It wasn't God that "saved" me. It was Dale and our boys that saved me. I didn't want to put them through that. And Yes. I saved myself. I didn't really want to die. The part of me that wanted to live was stronger than the part of me that wanted to die.

 

I committed adultery at the age of 39. I told my husband. Why? To prove to myself that I am evil. And to prove to Dale that I am not worth loving. He wouldn't stop loving me. He wouldn't give up on me. We will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary come March.

 

Why was it easy to destroy God's love?? All I had to do was sin. *Love destroyed*. No matter how hard I tried. I couldn't destroy Mom and Dad's love for me. I couldn't destroy Dale's love for me.

 

It was around this time that I sought the help of a psychiatrist. I went to his office......we'd barely got started when I left. Never to return.

 

Still, I could not stop believing in God. I had convinced myself from a very young age, that I was evil. I deserved death. I didn't deserve God's love. I didn't deserve love. I didn't need, and I didn't have christians telling me "You are a sinner!!!". I already knew that. I didn't need and didn't have christians telling me "You deserve death!!!". I already knew that. I contantly told myself this.

 

I knew of nothing else outside of Christianity. I didn't know about other religions. I'd only heard the word Buddhism. I didn't know anything about it.

 

Dad died in January 2000. For the first time in my life I thought of someone else going to Hell. Dad didn't believe in God. I couldn't stand the thought of dad going to Hell to be tormented day and night forever and ever. Of all the inner conflict that I'd known most of my life, this was the worse.

 

What about mom? What about Dale? Our sons? My sisters? My brother? It was too late to save dad from that fate. I had to save the rest from that fate. Yeah. I know. Where am I in this saving?

 

We bought our first computer in the fall of 2000. I found a christian forum. I talked to different christians with different beliefs. One particular christian did his best to convince me that God was there all I had to do was believe, confess my sins, accept Jesus as my personal savior, ask for forgivness and be baptized (full immersion). I did all of that. For the next 3 years, I read the whole Bible...and I started in on "saving" my family.

 

In my zeal, I couldn't convince anyone in my family that they were headed for the Fires of Hell (mainly because of what those christians at the christian forum had told me about the hell bound). In my zeal of trying to save my family, instead of coming "closer to God", I seemed to be getting further from God. Isn't it suppose to be the other way around?

 

In 2003, I started talking to a buddhist friend online that I'd met at that christian forum. He never told me what I Must believe. He never told me what I Must do. He, I don't know.......he pointed me in the direction of seaching within myself. Something totally foreign to me. One thing he said often is "give yourself the love you deserve." which was also totally foreign to me. How does one love themself???!!! It made no sense to me. I knew how to love others. I had no clue how to love myself.

 

After about a year of talking to my buddhist friend, For the first time in my life, I told someone, someone I'd never met personally, everything that happened that day when I was 8. I told my buddhist friend. Then I told my husband what happened to me that day. I will never tell my mom what happened. She's 71 years old. There would be no point in telling her now. It would only cause her suffering. She would agnonize over it. Dad went to his grave not knowing.

 

A few months later, and with my husband's support, I joined a Buddhist meditation center. I wouldn't call it a good experience. At first when I would meditate and try to quiet my mind, all of these negative emotions (fear, anger, shame, guilt, hate) would surface all at once. They were so overwhelming, I couldn't breath! I would run (literally) away from them. Many times during meditation, I ran out of the room. On a couple of occasions, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I Hated it! Many times I thought about not going to the Buddhist center. But I knew deep down inside that I Had to. I had to face everything! What Randy did to me, and Puff's death. I had to face the emotions and the feelings that came with them. And I had to face love.

 

I continued talking to my buddhist friend for the next couple of years. But I had hit an impass. I wanted him to fix me. I wanted him to make me well. I wanted him to take away my suffering. My buddhist friend could not do these things. I am the only one who can "fix me". I am the only one that can "make me well." I am the only one that can "take my suffering away". I had to let go of my buddhist friend.

 

During this time, I was worrying my husband to death. I had gone back into my sanctuary of silence. Several nights Dale would wake to find me not in bed. He would find me sitting in my recliner in the dark. This went on for weeks.

 

Dale suggested that I see a counsler.....a psychiatrst......a psychologist. I blew a gasket!!! But Damn it!!! I knew he was right!!! I tried, and I tried hard.......but I couldn't do this on my own.

 

I started searching for a psychologist (not one that was 1,000's of miles away, though if it hadn't been for my buddhist friend, I would not be where I am today). I would not go to a phychologist with a christian background. It took some doing, but I found a female psychologist with a buddhist background (a rare thing indeed!!!). It has taken 2 years for me to face my past and to come to terms with it, to face the emotions I've kept inside for all those years.

 

Dale is Love. Our sons are Love. Our grandchildren are Love. Mom is Love. My brother and sisters are Love. And the list goes on and on and on.

 

Loving myself? I'm still learning to love myself.

 

I became a self-made, self-abusive fundamentalist (No Fundamentalist environment required). I didn't direct my fundamentalism toward others. My fundamentalism was all directed at myself. 24/7. You can't escape that kind of abuse.

 

As you can see. I still have alot of work to do.

 

I look forward to the day of Inner Peace.

 

Kerry

[R. S. Martin]

What a difficult story. Thanks for sharing it.

[Kenny]

You're no stranger to this place. Of course you know that we sympathize with you and have read your words - every painful word you wrote. I can't wrap my mind around your experience. Continuing to break your silence is your lifeline. We're here and we're listening.

[GraphicsGuy]

Kerry, such a heart-breaking story...I am so, so, so glad you are coming to terms with life and with yourself.

 

Kudos to your husband for never giving up on you. Huge kudos to yourself for struggling and fighting and living on even though it was hell.

 

Welcome! I hope you continue to find peace and know that this place can be a refuge for you. Rant, yell, curse...whatever it takes...

[Guest jaybug]

I was engrossed in your story.. please share more of your feelings with us.

Try to keep making peace within yourself.. you are worth every second of it.

[Guest Kerry]

You're no stranger to this place. Of course you know that we sympathize with you and have read your words - every painful word you wrote. I can't wrap my mind around your experience. Continuing to break your silence is your lifeline. We're here and we're listening.

 

Hello Kenny,

 

As difficult as it was to write and post my story yesterday, it was more difficult coming back here this morning. When I saw there were 4 replies, I wasn't sure if I wanted to read them, not knowing if any of the replies were from christians or not. One of the main reasons I chose to tell my story here is because the mods and members here keep a tight reign on the christians. I know their kind of "love" and "support". Don't want it. Don't need it.

 

I'm glad I stumbled onto this site.

[Guest Kerry]

What a difficult story. Thanks for sharing it.

 

Hello RubySera,

 

And that's the condensed version!

[Guest Kerry]

Kerry, such a heart-breaking story...I am so, so, so glad you are coming to terms with life and with yourself.

 

Kudos to your husband for never giving up on you. Huge kudos to yourself for struggling and fighting and living on even though it was hell.

 

Welcome! I hope you continue to find peace and know that this place can be a refuge for you. Rant, yell, curse...whatever it takes...

 

Hello graphicsguy,

 

When I told my husband that I posted my story here, He hugged me. He's the only christian I know that allows me to find my own way, and doesn't judge me. He loves me for who I am, and is my biggest supporter.

 

Well. Maybe I'll Rant, yell and curse later. Right now I just want some peace.

[Guest Kerry]

I was engrossed in your story.. please share more of your feelings with us.

Try to keep making peace within yourself.. you are worth every second of it.

 

Hello jaybug,

 

I will share more. I feel like I can finally move forward toward making peace with myself.

[SWIM]

You're no stranger to this place. Of course you know that we sympathize with you and have read your words - every painful word you wrote. I can't wrap my mind around your experience. Continuing to break your silence is your lifeline. We're here and we're listening.

 

Hello Kenny,

 

As difficult as it was to write and post my story yesterday, it was more difficult coming back here this morning. When I saw there were 4 replies, I wasn't sure if I wanted to read them, not knowing if any of the replies were from christians or not. One of the main reasons I chose to tell my story here is because the mods and members here keep a tight reign on the christians. I know their kind of "love" and "support". Don't want it. Don't need it.

 

I'm glad I stumbled onto this site.

 

 

 

Hello!

 

And welcome! I hope to read more from you! You sound like you have been through not only the fires of religion, but of life. Life as a child can be very brutal. You are at the right place.

 

I have never been through the kind of trama that you have, but I have had many difficult stages in my life. Talking helps, even debating with xtians can help. When you feel comfortable, try chewing on a (deserving of chewing) xtian in the den now and then, that can be theraputic as well!

 

But, if you don't feel up to it yet, that's understandable. Please do continue to post and read, I think you will find it comforting to talk to similar-minded people, I know I do. I never really realized how much I *needed* to vent. When I discovered this board, I "lurked" for several months before joining the site, then I just jumped in posting. At over 1500 posts since only late last year, it is obvious that it helps, or I wouldn't do it. Thing is, until you really start venting, you won't realize how much better it makes you feel, so dive in!

 

This is one of THE most tolerant boards on the internet. I am not just talking about "swearing", but rather concepts too. We even had a fundy muslim in here recently threatening violence that still was NOT banned, though I asked they be. Felt bad at first, then it dawned on me that they were right not to ban, since it gave us a BIG example of "stupid" and sometimes BIG stupid can help you as well. You should feel free and safe here, I know I do.

 

Anyway, it is sad what you had to go through, and in-excusable to those who did it to you. Welcome!

[Guest Kerry]

You're no stranger to this place. Of course you know that we sympathize with you and have read your words - every painful word you wrote. I can't wrap my mind around your experience. Continuing to break your silence is your lifeline. We're here and we're listening.

 

Hello Kenny,

 

As difficult as it was to write and post my story yesterday, it was more difficult coming back here this morning. When I saw there were 4 replies, I wasn't sure if I wanted to read them, not knowing if any of the replies were from christians or not. One of the main reasons I chose to tell my story here is because the mods and members here keep a tight reign on the christians. I know their kind of "love" and "support". Don't want it. Don't need it.

 

I'm glad I stumbled onto this site.

 

 

 

Hello!

 

And welcome! I hope to read more from you! You sound like you have been through not only the fires of religion, but of life. Life as a child can be very brutal. You are at the right place.

 

I have never been through the kind of trama that you have, but I have had many difficult stages in my life. Talking helps, even debating with xtians can help. When you feel comfortable, try chewing on a (deserving of chewing) xtian in the den now and then, that can be theraputic as well!

 

But, if you don't feel up to it yet, that's understandable. Please do continue to post and read, I think you will find it comforting to talk to similar-minded people, I know I do. I never really realized how much I *needed* to vent. When I discovered this board, I "lurked" for several months before joining the site, then I just jumped in posting. At over 1500 posts since only late last year, it is obvious that it helps, or I wouldn't do it. Thing is, until you really start venting, you won't realize how much better it makes you feel, so dive in!

 

This is one of THE most tolerant boards on the internet. I am not just talking about "swearing", but rather concepts too. We even had a fundy muslim in here recently threatening violence that still was NOT banned, though I asked they be. Felt bad at first, then it dawned on me that they were right not to ban, since it gave us a BIG example of "stupid" and sometimes BIG stupid can help you as well. You should feel free and safe here, I know I do.

 

Anyway, it is sad what you had to go through, and in-excusable to those who did it to you. Welcome!

 

Hello SWIM,

 

Maybe I'll try "chewing on a xtian" some day (you have such a way with words!). It's been quite a while since I've read posts in different threads here. I think I should take some time and take a look around.

 

I'm feeling more comfortable about being here with every post.

 

Thanks for the welcome.

[R. S. Martin]

Kerry, I'm glad you had the courage to come back and respond to our posts. I enjoy the interaction between people. Feel free to share more as you feel strong enough and comfortable doing so.

[Realist]

Hello Kerry!

Thanks for sharing your story! You had this man in his 50's in tears nearly from start to finish. The pain many of us shared seemingly all by ourselves back then was also so real in so many other people's lives. Thank goodness we are slowly coming to terms with it! I hope this Forum helps you as much as it has me!

Keep strong - you have a great family and husband by the sounds and FULLY deserve the support they are giving you.

All the best from "Down Under!"

Doug.

[robbie]

There's not really anything I can say that hasn't been said...but I have to say I really do admire your courage in life and in talking about it. There's a fantastic supportive group of people here and I'm really glad you found us. I hope you stay and that it helps, even for us just to listen.

[Guest Kerry]

Hello Kerry!

Thanks for sharing your story! You had this man in his 50's in tears nearly from start to finish. The pain many of us shared seemingly all by ourselves back then was also so real in so many other people's lives. Thank goodness we are slowly coming to terms with it! I hope this Forum helps you as much as it has me!

Keep strong - you have a great family and husband by the sounds and FULLY deserve the support they are giving you.

All the best from "Down Under!"

Doug.

 

Hello Realist,

 

I have Dale to talk to. I have my psychologist to talk to. The two of them have been my support group. I can't bring myself to tell other members of my family, including my sons.

 

I remained silent in the sense that I could not tell my story to others in my family. My psychologist suggested I write out my story. But, for me, just writing it didn't help. I was telling myself my story. I already knew the story. There was such a sense of relief in posting my story here, telling my story to the "whole world". In doing so, I walked out of my sanctuary of silence.

 

You're right. I have a great family and husband. I'm blessed with a very close knit and loving family.

 

I never thought of myself as a strong person. But, DAMN!!!! I am strong!!

 

Kerry

[Guest Kerry]

There's not really anything I can say that hasn't been said...but I have to say I really do admire your courage in life and in talking about it. There's a fantastic supportive group of people here and I'm really glad you found us. I hope you stay and that it helps, even for us just to listen.

 

Hello robbie,

 

The support I've been given here just in a few days....there aren't enough words to express how much it means to me.

[Kenny]

I never thought of myself as a strong person. But, DAMN!!!! I am strong!!

 

Kerry

 

Now you're talkin'... good girl!