Can't Get Off The Fence...

[Guest peavy]

So here's the story...

Before I moved out and went to college (last fall), I was really active in my church back home, especially with the music "ministry." I accompanied various choir groups in rehearsal (on piano), I played keyboard and sax for youth worship on Wednesday nights, and I played piano for the Student Choir on Choir Tours. As some may already know, I only recently turned from my faith (within the past few months), and the only ones who know are my 2 roommates and a close friend that went to the same church.

Here's the dilemma:

I can't decide, when I go back home for the summer, whether or not to keep fakin' it for awhile. I really enjoy playing piano, for one thing, and seeing as how nearly my entire circle of friends at home go to that one church, if I outed myself, I would no doubt be looked at in scorn my most. So outing myself is not an option. This morning I got a Facebook group request for a group about this summer's choir tour (in New Orleans) from the assistant music minister, so I'm thinking they may want me to go and play for them, since they don't have many pianists in the student ministry. I'm thinking that I could lay low and keep playing Christian for awhile, and use my new perspective on the church as a learning experience. But I fear if I do that, if and when I do eventually out myself, the masquerade could make people even more sore at me.

So, what if I just stop doing all of the stuff I used to? I was thinking I could avoid the issue by taking a couple of summer classes or get a job. I am just having a hard time deciding...

 

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Even if not, do you have any suggestions?

 

Thanks in advance.

[MonolithTMA]

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Even if not, do you have any suggestions?

 

My situation is similar only in that I also have a bunch of Christian friends, and I don't really want to see the disappointment in their faces. Fortunately, I'm not involved in a church or a ministry, so that makes it easier. I will not lie to them directly or even play Christian as you say. If they ask me what I believe I plan on telling them, but I don't know if I will bring up the issue myself.

 

I guess I don't really have advice. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

[MathGeek]

I am too. My wife and I had a conversation last night about this very issue. She thinks I checked out of church emotionally because of my want to press personal buttons and for the sake of drama and rebellion. To be honest, there is a strong obnoxious streak within me but my emotional and psychological withdrawal from the faith was a long time in coming. I tried to tell her that I may be more antitheist or apatheist than actually agnostic since I was purposely baiting my family members with controversy during our last get-togethers. I have done that here as well with the squiddies but that's really a half-truth since I love to debate for the sport of it. As for my position, I am an educator in a pretty liberally-minded small town. Many native Americans here are atheists but I have yet to actually meet one. Furthermore, the people I have to associate with are Roman Catholic and they are more acquaintances than actual friends. My fellow educators are somewhat liberal in their beliefs as well, one even going as far as telling that his dad was happy when he cried as a child so they both could leave the sanctuary. All in all, I am (maybe needlessly, maybe not) suffering and deconverting in total silence.

[bellsybop]

Personally I think most of us probably have an issue somewhat like yours in our lives.. maybe not to the degree that you have, but similar. I know I haven't made my non belief known to even some of my closest friends yet. I am not ashamed of my feelings, although it does play a very big part in society that can cause stress amongst the friends you have that are believers.

I refuse to go to church.. that's where I draw the line.

I say, follow your gut feelings. If you decide to return and you can handle it, then peace be with you. But you will know instantly whether or not you can or cannot keep it up. It may just take trying it to find your own answer.

I wish you the best on this.

[MathGeek]

To amend my prior thoughts, I really have no advice to give spiritually since I work in the secular version of church called the public school system. I am the liberal-commie-pinko-atheist-educator that has been the subject of much right-wing vitriol over the last 20 years. My suggestion follows a pragmatic line: look at your personal situation. Take your summer classes AND get a job. Block out your Sunday mornings and make work a conflict with church, thereby establishing your excuse for not going to church. Take your summer classes in say philosophy, comparative religion or some Christian studies course. If you enter school, seek out on-campus clubs that are geared toward musical performance (not religious) to establish a new social network. If you get a new job, you may be able to make friends who are both Christian and non-believer. With a bit of thought, it doesn't take much to make a new social life.

[GraphicsGuy]

Hey Peavy...Kenny may have some good advice for you since his situation is pretty similar (due to the music involvement and all).

 

Strictly my personal opinion is to make a clean break of it now. You're young, life is fresh. It's easier to start over where you are than to go back to the bondage and try to fake it.

 

Basically, don't move back home. I made that mistake at your age. I was out on my own, living in Vancouver where I had every opportunity waiting for me...and I moved back to small-town Alberta like a complete moron. Fact is that I was immature and not that bright, but the point is that I have always regretted it.

 

It's time to explore life. Yeah, it might seem a little scary, but when you're young and single there really isn't anything you can't do.

[bush country]

Hi Peavy,

 

Tuscaloosa huh? I used to live in Northport.

 

I would echo MathGeek - stay away from church. You have the excuse of going to summer school to stay away, plus you will get out of college earlier.

 

The other thing is that if you participate in the choir tour you are helping to spread xianity. That is something I personally can no longer do. I like to sing, was in our choir, have people including the director asking me to come back to sing, but I just cannot do it. Because of my marriage I still go to church, but cannot do anything that helps, even indirectly, to spread the BS.

[Kenny]

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Even if not, do you have any suggestions?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

That's the cool thing about the forum and I've seen it happen so much! If I have a question, a problem, or a situation I'm not sure how to deal with, SOMEONE on here has been there and done that. It's helped me so much I can't even say. So, that's my plug for the forum and all the fine folks here.

 

I'm the worship leader at our church, but I'm certainly not the lead worshipper if that makes sense. Long story short, the guy who was doing it left for a larger church and I was asked to assume control and they offered to pay me. My family loves the church and, like you and a few others here, I go because they like it and I can deal with the singin' and preachin' because I GET PAID. Period. I'm not saying I wouldn't be a musician in the band or attend church with my family if I weren't paid, but I damn sure wouldn't be leading rehearsals and keeping the show rolling. So for my particular situation, the effort is worth the paycheck because my family's happy and I do genuinely like the pastor - he gives me total musical freedom and all of the church's equipment and assets are at my disposal. Great musicians to work with, too. Talented bunch. I enjoy playing with them, I get to call the shots, and I get PAID. I must emphasise that I get PAID. That's a biggie for me. It keeps me relatively motivated to continue on.

 

Good gigs (i.e. fun, enjoyable, convenient, lucrative) are hard to find. You're a musician and you know this. If you enjoy the company and the camaraderie of the musicians you're playing with and the gig meets your requirements for personal satisfaction, why not play? If you can get past the surroundings, that's even better. Lyrical content doesn't bother me because I've sung about many things I didn't care about or believe in, ya know? It's just a song. It's just music. If they dig what you're doing and you dig doing it, enjoy yourself.

 

I can definitely see the day when I no longer attend church - I strongly identify with bellsybop's thoughts. One day I will draw that line. But I'm fully aware of and preparing for the day when I do bow out. My wife is aware of (most) of my thoughts and, though she doesn't agree with me, she loves me and treats me with respect anyway. That helps more than I can say. A lot of people are going to be really shocked and it's going to cause a lot of talk in my community. Some people are going to be my friend anyway and a lot of people are going to feel betrayed and have nothing good to say about me at all. I'm a big boy and I can handle that - especially because my leaving and any information I choose to give will be on my time and on my conditions. People are going to talk regardless and I'm preparing for that. Because I've disconnected in so many other ways, the music and my presence in the church will be simply another step for me. To others, it will seem like a bomb dropping... a real turd in the punch bowl, so to speak. For now, I can live with it. This forum has allowed me the opportunity to say the things I think and feel, so it's my outlet. If I had no outlet, I don't know if I could continue to do it even for cash.

 

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you. I appreciate the opportunity to give you my thoughts and to, hopefully, give you some encouragement.

 

[EDIT]

 

I read graphicsguy's post again and wanted to mention that I'm an old dude. My life and habits are established and rocking the boat in ANY aspect of my life is well thought out and implimented as gradually and easily as possible. If I were a young man with no family and there was a big world waiting for me to step up and grab it by the balls, there's no way I could or would tolerate church with the mindset I have today. No way. I agree with what he has to say in regards to you being young and quite able to establish yourself quickly and fairly painlessly in a new social arena. You're just beginning your life. Me? I'm stuck in the life I've made for myself. I was heavily involved in the church and in music ministry for ten years. Don't get me wrong... I love my wife and my kids very much and I have a super position and status in life. I'm quite happy. I'd be even more happy if I could execute an about face and walk smartly away from church. I'm on the tail end of my experiences with Christianity. You're at the coin toss. If I were a young man with misgivings, I'd steer far and wide to avoid something like church and music ministry if I didn't agree with it. I'm attempting to repair damage done. Mr. bush country's advice will assist you in preventing the entire train wreck in the first place.

 

Just wanted to throw that in the mix. Old guy mentality vs. young buck mentality is quite a spread.

[par4dcourse]

A long time ago, my father didn't rat me out to my mom for something silly I'd just done. I asked how he could help me when he was an xtian and couldn't lie (I was young and naive). What he said relates.

"Lying and not tellin' everything you know are two completely different things."

I personally couldn't sit in a church knowing I didn't believe anything being said. A young person like you could easily get "too busy" to attend regularly and develope a time consuming interest in a hobby. Give a quick Brother Jeff "glory" when you have to and otherwise let church fall gradually by the wayside.

Your actual mileage may vary.

[R. S. Martin]

I'm thinking that I could lay low and keep playing Christian for awhile, and use my new perspective on the church as a learning experience. But I fear if I do that, if and when I do eventually out myself, the masquerade could make people even more sore at me.

So, what if I just stop doing all of the stuff I used to? I was thinking I could avoid the issue by taking a couple of summer classes or get a job. I am just having a hard time deciding...

 

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Even if not, do you have any suggestions?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

I spilled the beans without realizing what I was doing and the consequences were such that I don't think I'd do it if I could do it over. I really don't know. I think if you have a way to just avoid the issue for now, such as taking summer classes and get a job, that would be simplest for now. That will give you time to solidify your beliefs and position for later in life when more serious situations arise such as religious weddings and funerals in the family. Maybe by then you will know how to handle it. Because I think you have a valid point about them feeling even more sore if they find out you faked it. I don't know how they will feel.