The Email To End All Emails - At Least For Myself.

[Rhia]

So while I've been gone (and missing you guys quite a bit I might add!), I've been having probs with the bio mom. She decided that she didn't like the woman she was with, so she moved a little bit closer (but not by much) to where I am now, and moved in with a woman she had never met before. I was trying to call her for a week, because I had been sick; and like a typical newly-minted ex-college student, I had no clue what to do with myself. I finally called my step-dad, and was told that he had seen her, and that she had dropped my youngest sister off with him, and then left again for PA. This man is not her father, and does not have custody at all. If I believe my mother (which at the moment I am not inclined to do), then she may be in danger of this man's temper.

 

So anyway, I FINALLY got a hold of her, after calling a sister and having her tell my mom I was try to call (I'm still sick at this time). She finally IMs me, and goes completely out of her mind - swearing and all caps screaming that I had no right to call anyone, and that she wasn't going to take my "bullying and grilling" her family anymore. I had no clue at all what she was talking about, because all I was doing was looking for her so I could ask what to do about myself - but she somehow interpreted it completely differently. So I ignored her, and called Child Protective Services, because if she's telling the truth, I'm scared for my sister - and if she's lying, well, then, at least I tried to help my 10 year old sister. CPS has yet to actually file anything, so I KNOW she has no clue. It's been a few days since, I had nearly forgotten the whole thing. Then, she sends me an email.

 

***Here's the email disclaimer: I have NO CLUE about any of what she's saying. I'm not physically threatening, I'm not abusive, I'm not a bully, I don't have a victim mentality, I don't try to take over as a parent, I'm not grilling anyone, the one time I yelled was the day (that I think I mentioned a year previously) that she had cornered me and screaming at me to "shut the fuck up and sit down" after she lied and told my boyfriend that I was autistic (which I'm NOT!); and what 9 year old "takes power" from their mother? Most of this stuff may seem like babbling to some people, but it's frightening to me - since this is the woman who still has custody of a defenseless little girl.

 

She actually disowned me. I'll bold that. But here it is, because I need to talk to SOMEONE - and I just don't know how to process this. I don't even know if I should respond to it.

 

Dear ...

 

 

 

I am writing because I must .

 

I am not expecting a particular outcome and that is very okay .

 

 

 

We have gone around and around many times since we began speaking again . We have been up and down...I have to say it is hard , very hard for me . I have felt much guilt over the way things were and have been .

 

 

 

However, now , I cannot any longer go there, to the place of guilt . I explained myself and my life away to you. I allowed myself to go there. I had and have continued to have HUGE healing moments in the last 5 weeks. As a result of them , I no longer harbor the heavy guilt I was laden with and am moving forward. I dropped it like a ton of bricks.

 

 

 

In the process , I have taken my power back from everyone I handed it over to because I did not think I was worthy of standing in it . As a result , I no longer accept abusive behaviors , no longer feel the need to explain myself or my life to others and am being very proactive .

 

 

 

I have healed rifts with some I never expected would heal . I have told people who did not need to know things about me exactly that....you don't need to know nor do you have a ' right ' to know simply because you think you do . This is where we are . I love you very much , I just do not believe I owe you explainations that are no one's business except for me and the individuals involved .

 

 

 

When things became abusive verbally on your end of yahoo, I truly realized just how much power I had handed you in the past . I realized I must take it back . I handed that to you when you were a little girl , It was my bad and I own it . I did so out of guilt , my own feelings of being a ' bad ' person and unconsciousness as a human . Today , when we spoke last and for several weeks, I realized I was worth so much more.

 

 

 

I have allowed the abusive behaviors from you to continue.... and they are and were abusive... name calling , screaming from you, threatening physical behaviors I overlooked out of fear and guilt and telling me how to parent or not parent MY children . I do that no longer . I allow no one to abuse me today . I do not carry others guilt nor their issues any longer. They are not mine to carry .

 

 

 

Things with you have been rough . ( Just in the past 3 years ) . I refuse to go back over the old stuff anymore . I created that existence and now I know I miscreated . This life is an illusion . SO I now, create a different life .... a different existence...which includes whom I share my life, ideas, thoughts and feelings. I choose a peaceful and harmonious way of being. I choose love . I choose healing . I also choose to be with those who WISH to truly heal their issues and hurts and rage on all levels .

 

 

 

I am your mother . Yes , you were adopted , however, I AM still your bio parent . And as such , I will no longer accept the disrespectful , abusive behaviors . I am no longer able to be manipulated or guilt tripped . The old stuff is gone . There is a new Mama in town and she is strong, very strong within . I am in my own power .

 

 

 

I hope you find a way to heal your hurts . I hope you find you the joy inside , a way to love yourself and gain your own power rather than remain miserable and unhappy . I hope for only good things for you and for you and Chris .

 

 

 

We have a future as friends if and when you can decide to change your victim mentality and resulting abusive behaviors that are indicated . My boundaries are firmly in place and will not change . They are immovable .

 

All of us as humans must take responsibility for our actions and the resulting consequences . The consequence here is I will not accept unacceptable behaviors from you nor anyone else ever again .

 

 

 

Until the behaviors change you are uninvited to my home in Pittsburgh .

 

I have been able and will continue to tell you and anyone else who crosses my boundaries , displays abusive behaviors to stop . I won't accept them .

 

 

 

I also need you to know you do not ever have to like my girlfriend , accept her nor love her . I DO ! I am spending the rest of my life with her . None of you kids need ever feel for her the way I do . The rest of the family loves and accepts her. It is your choice to do so or not do so. I am very okay with that fact . I also need you to know that assuming your sister left because she must have not liked my girlfriend is so far from right .

 

 

 

Your youngest sister, as told to me by your other sister, was NOT just dumped in Maine. The reasons are not your business . I am also telling you for your sister, no she has no idea but will in a few minutes , to stop ' grilling ' her for information . I have told your step-father and brother and the kids they need not answer your queries . None of us need explain the ins and outs to you of our lives . We do not ' grill ' you about YOUR life . Kindly stop .

 

 

 

Again , I love you . I wish you only good things . However , your days of bullying me and this family are over .

 

 

 

Annie;

 

 

 

 

Take every chance you get because some things only happen once...

 

 

This is the woman from whose home I was removed; because she tried to slowly poison me. I swear, she's gone off the deep end and is making absolutely NO sense to me at all - the accusations, I have NO CLUE where they are coming from. All I did was try to call my mom to figure out what to do because I had the flu. That's all.

 

Someone, please help me process this. I have no clue how. The most I've been able to do is get in contact with my old social worker; but I don't even know if that will help.

[florduh]

Hello!

 

Having only this e-mail to go on, and your description of your history, I'd say that woman is a dangerous psychopath and you should get everyone you care about away from her.

 

To make it worse, it sounds like she has adopted some "New Age" psychobabble about feeling good about herself, regardless of what a shit she actually is. A dangerous psycho who has forgiven herself.

 

It's a heartbreaking story, and you were lucky to get away from that insanity. I wish you the best.

 

- Chris

[GraphicsGuy]

Rhia, this woman is severely damaged. I think the line of broken relationships and constant moving is sign enough of that, but this note is...well...disjointed to say the least. Kind of sounds like some of the notes I used to write when I was trying to get my life back on track after depressive crashes. Kind of...this sounds worse...

 

Don't respond. It will do YOU absolutely no good. This woman is convinced that she has done no wrong her life and has been an innocent bystander in all that has gone on in her life. Fuck...she's convinced that "this life is an illusion."

 

Reality is painful for her so she avoids it as much as possible. That's why she runs. That's why she's pissed off at your attempts to call her. It all threatens to bring her back to everything she's trying to avoid.

 

She's one of those cases where I have a hard time blaming her though. Yes, she is to blame for the damage she has wrought over the years, but is it really her fault? She has obviously been damaged and is obviously suffering from some kind of mental condition and/or trauma. I can't help but to pity her. That's a sideline issue though...

 

Nothing you can do, Rhia. She's not your responsibility. You haven't done anything wrong though, don't worry. I wouldn't doubt that everyone else in her life experiences the same treatment from her.

[The-Captain]

Hey Rhia good to see you back

 

 

Just read the email

 

Like florduh said, just going off the email I would say she has gone off the deep end. The telling thing is the way she keeps repeating the "taking back power" thing. Just reading the email is like watching mood swings, she doesn't even seem to maintain a consistent attitude towards you.

 

She sounds like she was never to well to begin with, but seems to have gotten worse. All that talk about change and power makes it sound like she is trying to prop herself up with some kind of new age/self help book/cult stuff. Very weird, she talks a lot about guilt and low self esteem, is she trying to get over that by blaming it on you?

 

I don't know what to say, this is a very strange situation. If you don't mind keeping us updated, I might be able to offer more advice later.

[mwc]

I have to agree with the others. She's in "self-help" mode. The key words are all there like "taking back power," "setting boundaries," "victim mentality" and all the rest will tell you what is going on (a quick trip to Google will bear it all out). The problem with all this "self-help" stuff is most of the time while people are "helping" themselves they're really shitting all over everyone else (oh, but that's just "self-esteem"...little did I know it smelled like crap).

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to just keep your distance for now. Take a "wait and see" on this. Lots of times these "self-help" things just sort of burn out pretty quick but can be a pain until that happens.

 

mwc

[mwc]

(Looks like GG and Doc already said basically the same thing above. That is what I get for opening a reply window and walking away to do something else)

I had to laugh when I read this. I don't know how many times I do this (or type a reply then walk away with hitting send for some reason). I'm glad I'm not alone.

 

mwc

[upstarter]

For what it's worth, I think also think she has fallen in with some people who are trying to help her "heal" with new age crap babble. I've seen it before. And I find that when people are steeped in this crap babble they spew it forth and project it onto others.

 

I remember a few years ago my sister-in-law was studying social work and was doing all kinds of "personal work" and would phone my husband and tell him how she knew he was hurting inside from all the emotional abuse in their childhood (they had an idyllic childhood with model parents) and he should really get some help dealing with that. My husband had no idea what she was talking about. He is the most easy going, happy, uncomplicated guy in the world. He does not have issues. Certainly not issues related to growing up in a loving home.

 

So I think your mom is projecting here. She's putting her shit on you.

 

I'm sorry she's doing this to you, it's very hurtful. The truth is that you will be better off without her. But I know that facing life with no mom is a crappy feeling.

 

Hang in there sweety,

 

Heather

[Amethyst]

*Hugs*

 

I agree about the self-help thing. It can be good but it can be bad if people who don't know what they're doing project their past hurts onto others. Professional therapy, instead of self-help, is probably what she needs.

 

As for the flu? The old-fashioned advice still holds true. Drink lots of liquids and get plenty of rest. Hot soup of any kind helps to clear out sinuses and it's also comforting. Herbal tea, something gentle like chamomile works to soothe sore throats. Peppermint tea is good for sinus clearing as well, but not everyone likes the taste. OTC meds can help. If it's really bad, I would say take a trip to a doctor.

[R. S. Martin]

Rhia,

 

Sorry you had to get such a sick letter. I agree with the others not to respond. I remember something of your story from earlier posts, though I may be blurry on the details. You come across to me as a very brilliant young woman who knows her mind and knows how to take care of herself in difficult situations. I am simply amazed that the background--the family--you describe as yours could produce such a clear-headed and intelligent young woman. I'm not flattering--this is the honest impression I get. Maybe your father was a bright and level-headed person. Whatever...you are who you are.

 

The impression I get from reading her email is of a person whose mind is not on track. I may be overly sensitive to that, having had two grandparents whose minds were seriously lacking in their late years. One grandparent (mom's side) had Alzheimers very seriously and another (dad's side) was just senile. I've also encountered (lived with) people with mental illness and various kinds of brain damage. The best way I know to deal with them is not to expect anything of them, but to respect them as human beings. Not to take anything personally that they do or say, whether it's positive or negative.

 

This letter is really negative. My suggestion is to keep it in case you need it for legal purposes. Will it help convince Child Protective Services that your little sister needs protection? I don't know if it will or not. I think it's so muddled that anyone should be able to tell that the person writing it is incapable of parenting a girl heading into adolescence. I would try to keep the letter out of a court case if at all possible, just to protect your mother's feelings. She's probably not exactly responsible for what she's saying, but she's sure to have feelings and feelings are dangerous things in and out of court.

 

Besides, we care about the feelings of those we love. You seem to have feelings for biological mother. Understandably they are very mixed feelings. I hope you can get over your flu soon, or see a doctor if it doesn't get better soon. Be gentle with yourself. Hopefully you have at least one mature female in your life for moral support in your post-college life. Even if you don't, you're one strong woman and I know you'll come out the winner somehow or other. By that I mean that you will live a life that you will feel good with when you hit forty or sixty or whatever, and look back over where you've been and what you did with your life. You just seem like that kind of person.