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My Prior Attempt At Deconversion


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This is another journal-style essay I penned back in the lovely summer of '07. This was written just to sort my thoughts out at the time. As I reread it, it made me realize that my deconversion will take years to accomplish. Just saying you don't believe in God with your intellect doesn't you've emotionally accepted it. I have accepted it emotionally as well as intellectually, but sometimes my being wants back into the fold. All in all, I think taking life one day at a time will be the best medicine. Enjoy reading this piece.



On the Evolution of Atheism…and an addendum to follow…


I don't pen entries here often but lately, whenever I've found the need to write, I usually pop on MSWord and start typing like a madman who loves doing homework but hasn't attended school in more than five years, if you catch my drift.


Anyway, this isn't about snorting methampetamine, this about my path toward disbelief thus far.


I have been mad at God for the last two years, and I am at the point of comprehension where I see religion as the methamphetamine of all philosophical systems.


The initial high is one thing, but chasing the dragon leaves the ultimate toxic aftermath.


I was watching YouTube late Monday night and I actually viewed several of the atheism videos, and I found that belief system to be rather plausible.


I wasn't fully converted over to it either, at least not yet.


But it led to me to this interesting point. Belief a deity has been a concept that has existed at least in modern civilizations since the inception of writing, which was the catalyst of history itself. According to the website that knows all (Wikipedia), atheism as a concept in western thinking developed in ancient Greece about 2500 years ago. Now considering that Homo Sapiens appeared on Earth 250,000 years ago (again, Wikipedia), that means the atheist belief system has conceivably thrived on 1% of the total timeline our human existence.


And that idea could have been derived by a genius high school freshman...and I am 12 years beyond that stage of life.


Does that mean atheism will peter out as a belief system? Not likely.


Does that mean atheism is the incorrect system? No way.


Atheism simply means that a person denies the existence of a deity, in a negative sense. It simply means there is no deity at all existing out there, in a positive sense.


Either way, that is it. Nothing more, nothing less.


Considering how religion has been used by oppressors to fuck over every soul on this plane of existence, the only plane of existence, likely since the dawn of historical existence, this means religion must be discarded, outright rejected as a mode of antiquity. But if you consider that we've only existed for 250,000 years as a whole, a tiny pinprick on the eternal timeline, we are still evolutionary youngsters.


That means we are children that likely haven't reached so-called evolutionary adulthood yet. We can't hold our own dicks yet until some sadistic figment of from a bad acid trip gives us the cosmic thumbs-up. We haven't reached the point where we as a collective mass can triumph over our own instinct to deny responsibility for our actions overall.


Can we evolve to that level? Can we really overcome the emotional stunting by ourselves?


I think we can, but 85% to 95% of the United States population doesn't seem to want to relinquish those reins, at least not yet.


And "yet" could mean indefinitely for all I know.


As for me, maybe it's time to let go if not to idea of God totally, then to the whole of religiosity.


I can deal with reality at it is, so I don't need to be methed up anymore.



And now for the amending commentary.


I found a quote by Eddie Vedder on the evolution of religion that at least critiques my point of the evolution of atheism.


Mr. Vedder voiced these words, "I think it's like a movie that was way too popular. It's a story that's been told too many times and just doesn't mean anything. Man lived on the planet -- [placing his fingers an inch apart], this is 5000 years of semi-recorded history. And God and the Bible, that came in somewhere around the middle, maybe 2000. This is the last 2000, this is what we're about to celebrate [indicating about an 1/8th of an inch with his fingers]. Now, humans, in some shape or form, have been on the earth for three million years [pointing across the room to indicate the distance]. So, all this time, from there [gesturing toward the other side of the room], to here [indicating the 1/8th of an inch], there was no God, there was no story, there was no myth and people lived on this planet and they wandered and they gathered and they did all these things. The planet was never threatened. How did they survive for all this time without this belief in God? I'd like to ask this to someone who knows about Christianity and maybe you do. That just seems funny to me."


That was the tipping point for me. We ultimately don’t know what those ancient ancestors of ours really believed. It is really a dice game with a fifty-fifty chance of outcome. Either it is true or false, right or wrong. I chose the dark side, and I don’t know if I’ll ever come back. In fact, I cannot come back anymore because the LORD cannot forgive me now.


Again, I didn’t want to be methed up anymore anyway.

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Your story from Mr. Vedder is very similar to what my professor in sociology of religion said several years ago regarding the history of homo sapiens and religion. I forget his numbers but he used the blackboard for his analogy. The blackboard ran the width of the small classroom. He started with his chalk on the left-hand side and ran it the full length of the blackboard making comments at various points in the timeline as he went. As stated, I forget the numbers but the emphasis was on the tiny fraction of time recorded history constitutes.


That was in the fall of 2001. I broke with the tradition of my people in the spring of 1998. Those years were years of intense seeking for me regarding the existence of God, the paranormal or spiritual, and the meaning of religion in general. After his course, perhaps the following winter, I took a course in anthropology of religion on Magic, Belief, and Witchcraft, or something to that effect. In that course we watched videos about a lot of different aboriginal religious ceremonies and beliefs. The professor was an exOrthodox Jewess and used her strict religious background to make some of her points. She identified as atheist, though she said she had more interest in (or was more open to the possibility of) the paranormal than her husband; he would not have taught a course such as that, though he was also an anthropology professor of the same religious background.


Sometimes I tend to forget the very strong impact of these three professors and their beliefs on my life. I never took a course with the husband but I spent some time in their home and got to know him.


I guess I'm rambling here. Just saying your essay reflects things others have thought so you're not alone. You're on the same route others from strict Abrahamic religion have explored. And since they did it on the professional level you can bet your bottom dollar this is important stuff.

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We ultimately don’t know what those ancient ancestors of ours really believed. It is really a dice game with a fifty-fifty chance of outcome. Either it is true or false, right or wrong. I chose the dark side, and I don’t know if I’ll ever come back. In fact, I cannot come back anymore because the LORD cannot forgive me now.


I really enjoyed what you wrote. Good stuff. You expressed yourself very well and the quote was right on and made sense.


If I may... it's considerably more than a fifty-fifty chance. There simply aren't enough dice to roll when one thinks about what mankind has and hasn't believed during our time on earth. Some is documented, but how much isn't? Perhaps it is reasonable to say there is a right or wrong in whatever way we choose to believe and I only say that because, for the most part, I'm of the opinion that we really can't know - and even that's up for debate.


Choose what you choose and be done with it. You may choose differently several times as your life continues. It doesn't mean you're RIGHT or WRONG. It simply means you choose based on the evidence that's at your disposal. There's nothing wrong with that. And finally, there's no worry of coming back or not... you're right where you need to be. In fact, the only thing you CAN be is what you are in the here and now. There is no entity who's forgiveness you require. Live! The rest will take care of itself.

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