oladotun Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 What do you do with the fear and guilt after you have left the "Christian" fold? I have family members that want to know why I don't go to church and I get these not too subtle reminders from people (Christians, of course) that my eternal salvation rests on my continued fellowship with other believers (don't forsake the assembly of yourselves together, I am constantly reminded, quoting from the Bible). In other words, if I don't come back, I am going to hell. But, most of my life, especially during my Christian years, I have been motivated by fear and guilt which was only excacerbated by Christianity and I am tired of it. In the old days, I would have run back to the church, gotten back into the swing of things to pacify the guilt and hope that I am forgiven. But now, I am tired of that, Christianity almost led me to taking my own life because I could not get it right and was trying in futility to keep all the rules and get God to like me and be pleased with me. Oh, I tried that "but Jesus takes away all our sins" stuff too, but it was a mirage and did not work, I just want to know what people who have left the fold do to get away from the guilt that Christianity has placed on my mind...!@ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vendredie Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 It is rare that I feel any guilt or fear about leaving Christianity. The only times I have really felt fear are during a thunderstorm (I am slowly getting over my storm phobia) and durign the wildfire. Occasionally I'll get this feeling that there MUST be a god, so I turn to Wicca rather than Christianity. But other than some very scary moments, I have neither felt shame, guilt, nor fear. I think I left at the right time and under the right circumstances. I wasn't raised in a super-fundy family, I wasn't exposed to all of the Baptist doctrine. I left early rather than late. It sucks that I was lied to for the first 12 years of my life. It sucks even more that I lied to myself for another 2 years. That's the only thing I feel guilty about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyChef Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 Now that you are out of the church,find a new circle of friends if you can.My guilt went away as a response to my anger with xianity.It may be different for you.I just decided that I don't care what is beyond death.Having a new circle of people to interact with and a new focus in my life was my therapy. Try that for a starting point,and it takes time. Good Luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 Oladotun, can you put some geographical distance between yourself and these family members? Seriously determine to remove yourself if not physically, then mentally (admittedly much harder) from these type of comments. I can only say that for myself that I did not have much guilt over leaving. One reason was that Christianity was imposed on me as a child. If you came to it as an adult, your approach to deprogramming yourself would possibly be different. Can you see yourself prior to the time you became a Christian? Go back in your mind and see that all this information you have about being a "sinner" and "trying to keep all the rules" were all things that others told you about yourself? None of it is true or correct. You learned it at one point, now determine to unlearn it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 What do you do with the fear and guilt after you have left the "Christian" fold? Depends. If you're talking about instilled shame and guilt, that can be a mess, and tricky to extricate yourself from it. For some instilled stuff like that, I've managed to just sort of adopt an attitude of Fuckit, and just do what I want. Other stuff - the more deeply ingrained stuff - is harder to shake. If you're talking about guilt trips from allegedly well-meaning friends and relatives, well - that also depends. Your religious beliefs are nobody's goddamn business, and nobody has any business guilt-tripping you about them. So my inclination would be to get mad about it - mad enough to understand that nobody should be laying guilt on you and they're invading your personal autonomy if they do, if not mad enough to actually call them on it. Thing is, you can't stop somebody's guilt trip - you don't have control over anyone else - but you can go a long way towards learning how to ignore it, or let it roll off, or laugh at it, or speak up and tell someone to lay off. In a pinch, using one's middle digit - literally or metaphorically - is also useful. Like this: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
☆ TexasFreethinker ☆ Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 What do you do with the fear and guilt after you have left the "Christian" fold? ... I just want to know what people who have left the fold do to get away from the guilt that Christianity has placed on my mind...!@ You learn all you can about reason and honest truth-seeking and the history of religions and how they have been constructed by very human folks. At least that's worked for me. When you realize what a bundle of lies religions are built on any guilt or fear based on those lies fades away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKR Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 What do you do with the fear and guilt after you have left the "Christian" fold? I have family members that want to know why I don't go to church and I get these not too subtle reminders from people (Christians, of course) that my eternal salvation rests on my continued fellowship with other believers (don't forsake the assembly of yourselves together, I am constantly reminded, quoting from the Bible). In other words, if I don't come back, I am going to hell. But, most of my life, especially during my Christian years, I have been motivated by fear and guilt which was only excacerbated by Christianity and I am tired of it. In the old days, I would have run back to the church, gotten back into the swing of things to pacify the guilt and hope that I am forgiven. But now, I am tired of that, Christianity almost led me to taking my own life because I could not get it right and was trying in futility to keep all the rules and get God to like me and be pleased with me. Oh, I tried that "but Jesus takes away all our sins" stuff too, but it was a mirage and did not work, I just want to know what people who have left the fold do to get away from the guilt that Christianity has placed on my mind...!@ I never had any guilt, and once I really stopped believing, I had no fear either. If you really don't believe, there's nothing to fear or feel guilty for. If it's more of a problem of people trying to push this bullshit on you, then tell them they need to stop the guilt trips and fear mongering or stop being around them. Whenever someone on the internet tells me I'm going to hell if I'm wrong, I tell them that they they could be wrong as well and suffer a similar fate. Christianity is just one of hundreds of religions, many of which threaten eternal punishment or loss of some sort. So their chances aren't much better. I also like to say that I believe in purple alien monkeys from mars, and if you don't believe in them, you're going to be tortured for eternity. Most christians fail to understand the most simple of analogies, but maybe you'll get someone to see how stupid it is to threaten damnation when the idea they are presenting seems so ridiculous to them. Besides, you can't force yourself to believe (Pascal's wager is so played out), and anyone who says you can is obviously pretending that they actually believe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 What do you do with the fear and guilt after you have left the "Christian" fold? I am normally not a fan of anger, but perhaps here it is a necessary phase. You have been manipulated. Duped. Suckered. Taken in. Played for fool. Get angry about it long enough to put some distance between you and it. And then let it go. Just my two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gradstu09 Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I love all these people coming in telling you that you're not feeling what you're feeling. Well, you are. And I acknowledge that. What you're taught before you have a chance to think critically will imprint itself deep into your brain, and trying to dig it out years later is a very hard job. It's not something you can just walk away from, b/c they made it a part of you. The thing to remember is that it is not your fault. Kids are sponges. They soak up whatever information is in front of them, whether it is good for them or not. That is why it is so important for religions to 'get them young'. "Raise up a child in the way you wish him to go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Well, "he will not depart" oftentimes b/c it's just too hard to fight the demons that they put in his head. So good for you for trying. If your guilt (really an incorrectly developed conscience) is so severe that you have attempted self-harm, I would strongly recommend you see a therapist. This stuff takes years and good professional help is an invaluable asset in re-learning how to think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I love all these people coming in telling you that you're not feeling what you're feeling. Gradstu not once did I imply that. If Oladotun says he's feeling some guilt and fear then I believe it. I agree that going to a therapist might help. But I suspect that on the way to ridding himself of these things he is going to experience some anger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gradstu09 Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 I love all these people coming in telling you that you're not feeling what you're feeling. Gradstu not once did I imply that. If Oladotun says he's feeling some guilt and fear then I believe it. I agree that going to a therapist might help. But I suspect that on the way to ridding himself of these things he is going to experience some anger. FWIW, I wasn't even talking about you. There are several replies upthread about how other people were able to just walk away and implying that he can too. If you really don't believe, there's nothing to fear or feel guilty for. Doesn't that seem to be insinuating that it's the OP's problem that he wasn't able to walk away so easily? Poor dude doesn't need to feel guilty over having guilt. You can not believe on a rational level and still have thought patterns that produce fear and guilt on a subconscious level. In fact, I think the two are entirely distinct. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 If you really don't believe, there's nothing to fear or feel guilty for. Doesn't that seem to be insinuating that it's the OP's problem that he wasn't able to walk away so easily? Poor dude doesn't need to feel guilty over having guilt. You can not believe on a rational level and still have thought patterns that produce fear and guilt on a subconscious level. In fact, I think the two are entirely distinct. Point taken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponymic Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 I just want to know what people who have left the fold do to get away from the guilt that Christianity has placed on my mind...!@ Many times you'll see people turn fear and guilt into anger and hatred. And it makes total sense because the Christian sect just keeps pushing until you can't stand it anymore. Personally, I find the most effective way to deal with it, and behave, is to treat those who use guilt and fear with kindness and love. They expect the hate & anger, it fits right into their beliefs and justifies them (in their minds). When you take the other road, people are often flumoxed because they don't know how to deal with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
white_raven23 Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 Personally, I find the most effective way to deal with it, and behave, is to treat those who use guilt and fear with kindness and love. They expect the hate & anger, it fits right into their beliefs and justifies them (in their minds). When you take the other road, people are often flumoxed because they don't know how to deal with that. And then he can come online and vent about the incident here. And we can ALL enjoy chewing in up in the peace and safety of Ex-C, and thanks to the outlet, deal with Real Life religious idiocy with a smile! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest rangergirl Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 What do you do with the fear and guilt after you have left the "Christian" fold? I am normally not a fan of anger, but perhaps here it is a necessary phase. You have been manipulated. Duped. Suckered. Taken in. Played for fool. Get angry about it long enough to put some distance between you and it. And then let it go. Just my two cents. I agree with this. I went through several stages when I left christianity. First I felt a lot of fear and guilt, especially when I told my family I was leaving the religion. Then I went through a very long stage of anger. I definitely felt manipulated, duped, suckered, etc. And then I went through some therapy where I actually mourned the loss of the family that I wished I had. I realized I would never have a family that would accept me as I am. Once I did that, I could approach my family a little easier because I didn't have such big expectations. I don't think that in the "real" world the expectations are that high--you know, accepting me as I am, not laying the guilt trip on me for not going to church, not thinking that I'm going to hell, etc. But for my family, they can never accept that I'm a non-Christian and I have to be ok with that. Now when I go home, it's sometimes weird and disappointing, but I'm not angry anymore. I can say fuck-it when I feel the silent smog of guilt filter through the house when I sleep in while the family goes to church, or when they sing happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas day and I think they're insane and I leave the room. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlexyLady Posted March 16, 2008 Share Posted March 16, 2008 What do you do with the fear and guilt after you have left the "Christian" fold? I am normally not a fan of anger, but perhaps here it is a necessary phase. You have been manipulated. Duped. Suckered. Taken in. Played for fool. Get angry about it long enough to put some distance between you and it. And then let it go. Just my two cents. I think that this is perhaps what the majority of people do. I know that I personally was angry for a very long time after I left, and it took me many years to get past that anger. I am now better off without both Christianity, and the anger that came from my de-conversion. (haha, de-conversion isn't in the spell check, but reconversion is.!) Anyway, perhaps a little bit of anger is healthy, but don't hang on to it. Don't let it make you bitter. Get mad, get smart, and get over it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oladotun Posted March 17, 2008 Author Share Posted March 17, 2008 Thanks guys for the great advice! I am getting myself some new non-fundy friends who can simply accept me for me and stop trying to preach to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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