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Goodbye Jesus

Kid: Shut Up. Shut. Up.


The Sage Nabooru

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I've been gone for a long time, because of school and work keeping me busy, but I have such a huge jackass (both physically and mentally) in my Arabic class that I felt the need to warn others of his existence. But you've probably already met him, or one of his millions of brethren. I pity you.

 

You ever see one of those overweight kids who, when you first meet him, you feel kinda sorry for him because you can tell he really wants to make friends? I would like to add at this point that HE HIMSELF MAKES A BIGGER DEAL OF HIS WEIGHT THAN THE REST OF US DO. In fact, he takes advantage of it. I could care less, really, but because he's fat he thinks he has to behave a certain way in order to get people to notice him, when really all it does is piss people off. People of all shapes and sizes do this, and they always start out this way.

 

Let me explain. As stated, we kinda felt sorry for him. He seems kinda eager to have some buddies - the fact that it is absolutely impossible for him to shut up at any point during class we originally pretend not to notice. Hey, we can be friends, right? Even if we cannot so much as move without him making some lame smart-assed comment we can deal with it. I think.

 

But I really mean it when I say we can't speak, move, breathe or answer questions by the teacher without his saying something. Apparently he thinks he's really funny, and says everything in the same smartassed tone of voice (can't you talk like a regular human being?!). Unfortunately, this is a Interactive TV course, so our teacher isn't actually present in the room, only on screen. So this guy feels totally free to let out a non-stop monologue of one-liners throughout the entire lesson, right through the prof's talking. Of course, she thinks it's our fault that we have to ask her to repeat what she just said constantly. This kid is starting to get on my nerves.

 

Now he's getting really comfortable. He seems assured that all of us are his buddies and closest friends, and perhaps that's why every time we answer a question, he calls us by name and jokingly asks us about it.

 

Teacher: "And what does forsatun tayyibitun mean?"

Me: "It means, basically, what a good chance to meet you."

Kid: "Hey.....Hey, Sage! Does that mean we're all in such a good chance to meet you? Yay, we all know Sage! We're so fortunate to meet her! Ha, ha, hahaha! ....... Whoopsie, I dropped my pencil. Gaaah, I'm so clumsy, hahaha! Oh snap! Hahhahaha! Well, now I can't continue the class without it. I'm gonna faaaaaaiiiiil cause I drooooppped my peeeeeeeeencccccccillll! Hahhaahahaha! Yeeeah, well, there ain't nothin you can do about thaaaaaat, 'fraid so...." That same damned tone of voice. That. Fucking. Tone. Of. Voice. Does he think that it's funny or cool to constantly talk like a goddamned self-righteous prick? Is it really that commendable to drag out all your letters and syllables to make it sound like everything's a punchline? And for the love of God, CAN'T HE SHUT UP?! We're trying to learn here, not humor him.

 

He doesn't stop at talking. If we try to focus on class instead of him, he'll throw pencils and paper airplanes at us, and then giggle when we give him a dirty look. He'll slam his hand down on our desks when he wants to have a "conversation". Always that stupid grin, as though to say, "Yeah, I'm being annoying, but I'm really funny about it."

 

Now I don't feel so sorry for him. I certainly don't like him. I realize that he's not unpopular because he's fat, like he thinks; he's unpopular because he's a jackass. I actually dread the breaks in class (it's three and a half hours long, so we have a couple of them every lesson), because that's when he wants to get personal, in your face. It's the best I can do to run to another room in the library (where the classes are held) and hope he's too busy stepping in someone else's way so they can't move and have to listen to him to notice I'm gone. Sometimes, the patsy is me. I stand up and he corners me. I step to the right. So does he. I step to the left. He follows me. I try to escape by running around the tables, but he catches me. Then he starts. He begins by asking me about my family, job, etc., to gather material, then come the jokes and one-liners about it. The fact that he's a quarter Lebanese makes him, in his own opinion, the most fascinating individual on the planet, and he constantly harps back to it and waits for our admiration. If he doesn't get it, he keeps dragging it on as before ("Soooooooooo, I'm Leb-an-ese-see. ....... Yep. ......My grandparents came from Lee-ban-ohn. ....... Your parents are? ......... Oh, well, my mom's half a Labanese. ......Yeah, I don't look it, but I am.......Let me tell you this totally hilarious stor-ai [mispronoucing words for failed comedic effect is a specialty] about this World of Warcraft session I had yesterday.......) I tell him I'm going to the bathroom. Hey, he can't follow me there, right?

 

He does anyway. My entire trip to the bathroom he pairs up with me and talks incessantly. Honestly, I'm polite and try to fake interest. I still feel a little bit sympathetic towards him, however it's diminishing rapidly. Oh, damn, here's the ladies' bathroom door. Well, you can't follow me in there, right?

 

No matter, he'll just hang outside the door and blabber on with his unbearable humor and totally pointless rambling stories while I'm IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM. He wants me to respond as I sit on the toilet. Okay, I was only pretending to sit on the toilet, but apparently he can't bear to lose anyone's attention for a moment, and that includes me. When I enter the bathroom, I find the other two girls in class already there and looking at me sympathetically. Thanks a lot, bitches.

 

We decide to simply not respond. Like he cares. He goes on and on, and on and on and on, even if we don't say anything in return. We could've been dead in there and he would just continue as he was. Except now he just says "Huh? HUH? You think so? Huh?" about sixteen times after every sentence, and then just gives up and launches into the next one. Then he escorts me back to class, non-stop jabber. Of course that's not going to end just because class is in session.

 

Now a week ago, it was St. Patrick's Day, and I'm not Irish nor Catholic, but I wore green and a crucifix to make people think I was, so I wouldn't be pinched and could drink without being accused of being an impostor. Jackass notices my necklace during class, and starts piping "Catholic Saaaaaaaaaage! Catholic Saaaaaaaage!" every four seconds of silence. "Ooooooooooh, Catholic Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage!" I try telling him I'm not Christian.

 

Bad move. "But the necklace, the necklace! You got the necklace, man!" Oh for Jebus shut up. "Sage is weeeeeearing a cra-oss!!.......And she's not CHRIIIIIIIS-TIIIIAAAAAAAAN!" Oh God. At the end of class, he again corners me (while everyone else gets out as fast as they can), and shows me a wrinkled card for a "Resurrection Sunday Celebration" at the local megachurch. Isn't it weird, just when you think a person couldn't get any more irritating? I said no. He insists. NO, thank you. I'm not interested.

 

Now I've done it. Now class is not only a session in listening to his incessant babbling, when we're trying to learn, but now it's peppered with evangelical-speak and begging to talk about our religious beliefs. Yes, in that SAME FUCKING TONE OF VOICE LIKE EVERYTHING HE SAYS JUST HAS TO BE SO FUNNY AND UUUUGGGGGH!!!!! "Hey Sage.........Sage.............Sage...........Like, have you ever been a Chriiiiiiis-tiiiii-aaan? Hey.......Hey......Just so you know man, Jesus loves you. Just throwing that out there, man. Just lettin - you - knooouuuuu....." (I'm not a man, you idiot.)

 

A couple of times our teacher has come to our campus to talk to us directly. Poor thing. She's sweet as Sugar Peeps, and of course he latched on her like a fucking bulldog without a neutering. He followed her ALL THE WAY OUT TO HER CAR, and I almost weeped every time I saw her struggling to politely choke out little laughs and "mmhmms" and "ohs" while he used her reaction as proof of his conversational genius. Her husband is a Muslim from Turkey, so he's made it pretty clear that he needs to be converted.

 

In short: I wish I could kill this kid.

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Do both of you a favor and just tell him to shut the fuck up.

 

...If only it were that easy, of course.

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A total attention hog narcissist with rock bottom self esteem. Good to see you back, Sage.

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Send the instructor an e-mail specifically about his behavior in your class. This guy is single-handedly cheating ALL of your out of money hard spent to take this course.

 

And...his irritating behavior HAS crossed over into religious harassment. You knew that. And you also know there is a roomful of witnesses too. Is there a Dean?

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In short: I wish I could kill this kid.

 

The whole scene sounds like the beginning to a Law & Order episode.

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Sage,

 

"I likies ya keed, haves I gotsa deal for youse!"..

 

Wait.. Murder in all forms, felonious assault, no matter how intended, is unlawful.. Forget the "barrel with Jimmy Hoffa advise".

 

WRaven as usual is spot on.

 

Some good advise on other posts. THE thing at moment to do is have the class make a severely written complaint go to Instructor, and those in your School (there, I can spell skuLLe rite!) appointed to "keeping the peace".

 

This oversized fucktarded delinquent is ruining your paid for class time in something important enough that you spend 3.5 hours on your ass trying to digest it.

 

You might give the young fucktard a verbal lashing right in front of class, right in the middle of his little "presentation". Fell VERY free to tell this motherfucktardedgoofballwggsuckingbatshitfuckednumbnuts that he is pissing you off, "and".

 

Let "and" hang, he may figure "and" out...

 

If there are some fairly large sized young cats in class, it may be worth your time to ask their assistance to umm, ahh, well, let imagination run amok with things they might suggest to LotharioJunior, unimproved, cretin, fucknuttedshitheel.

 

There is also the venue of pressing various charges of sexual harrassment if this fuckstain makes suggestions, movements or offerings that you find inescapable due to class time and structure/need to take and complete class.

 

One word: "TonyaHarding" Hear she'll do parties...

 

Most of anything else I'd have to offer required PM, as it and they are things that require your absolute "I wuzn't knoweare 'rond" kind of sorts.

 

Cuss the idiot out as loud as you can is a good start. Don't get suspended or put on a shithead list of your own because of him, but make all the waves you are required within the system there *before postal*.

 

k, the postman rings, then, umm, yeah, FL

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In short: I wish I could kill this kid.

 

So why don't ya?

 

Seriously quit being polite. Take a big book to the restroom with you and if he follows you ask, "You see this fucking big book fat kid?" Yeah? "Its to bash you in the face with the next time you follow me to the john, you perv!"

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Hi Sage, Welcome back.

You have my condolences and sympathy.

 

I suggest a writen complaint to the administration about this creep.

If he's following you to the bathroom, he's violating your boundarys.

 

Plus you may want to consider explaining to him just how NOT funny he realy is... Punctuate your words with sharp punches to his face for added comprehension value.

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While the catharsis of whipping this idiot's ass may be appealing, can't encourage that. After why should you get into trouble over his issues. My suggestion is to be civilized. Not threatening, not armed, and instead verbally slash him to pieces.

 

He likes to talk. I'm willing to bet he has talked about his insecurities and weaknesses in an attempt to fish sympathy, and I am guessing his weight isn't the only thing you can crack on at this point. Verbally slicing him surgically may do more to get him to avoid you than any beatdown could hope to accomplish.

 

You may also want to let him know that is is down the block not across the street. He can do something right for once in his life.

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  • Super Moderator

Sound an air horn every time it opens its mouth.

 

Ask him what the hell he ate to smell like that.

 

Yell, "Jeezusss! Was that a FART? What's wrong with you?"

 

Vomit on him.

 

Mail him a box of live flies.

 

Have a little fun at his expense for a change.

 

 

 

- Chris

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In short: I wish I could kill this kid.

 

What jury could fault you that?

 

Yeah I know the type, while I pity the crap self-esteem from being overweight, being glaringly obnoxious isn't an acceptable response.

 

My advice, tell him off. Don't blow up or anything, just coldly and calmly tell him in no uncertain terms what the situation is, what his relation to you is, why his behavior is unacceptable and what steps you will take if he fails to respect you. Hopefully that will be enough to get him to shut up and think twice before foisting his unwelcome presence on others,

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Hi, Sage...Welcome back. Wondered what happened to ya!

 

Seriously, it sounds like this kid has some real-time issues with self concept. It's just not normal that a well adjusted person needs to attract so much attention to himself, to get attention, by means that are as you describe completely bizarre. Suggests an anxiety disorder of some kind, not enough info to determine, but definitely enough to say to you...beware. There is unpredictability here at best, and at worst a churning malevolence that has not yet surfaced. Beware.

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In short: I wish I could kill this kid.

 

There comes a time when it perfectly okay to tell it like it is. So I'd, in a stern yet reasonable way, tell him what's what.

 

Give him the gusto. You shouldn't have to continue putting up with this.

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