When Does The Grieving Process Get Easier?

[Guest Broken Hearted]

I am hoping that I can get some useful information from those of you who are well into the process of deconverting. The pain I am feeling from no longer being able to go to god with all my cares and worries is something I was not prepared for. We have almost completed the process of telling our loved ones. That is not a fun task. Most of them see us as needing to be saved now or how can we choose the world over god. I think to myself, did you not know me?.... I was completely sold out for the lord. I lead bible studies. I counseled and mentored young women in a ministry for 4 years and dedicated every waking moment to study. I even tried to learn hebrew. I am going through all of the levels of grief some of which I can experience all at once.

My heart feels like it could literally explode at times. If any one has some advice that would be great. My husband is feeling the same way and he has the added pressure of feeling like he lead his family in deception for over 20 years. I know I need time but does this get easier? My whole identity was defined as being a christian. Thanks to any of you who can share on this. I really appreciate it.

[xandermac]

There are a lot more here that can give better advice than me, but I will tell you it gets easier. As for me I went through a grieving process that eventually turned to anger at wasting all those years on the lies and brainwashing. Just keep coming here and also read the testimonies.

[par4dcourse]

What did you do when you learned that you can't ask Santa for that cool new toy anymore?

Since praying does nothing, what have you lost? Just a crutch. When you used to ask gawd to solve a problem, you eventually worked it out yourself. Nothing has changed, you just cut out a useless step.

You now have to make your own decisions, and deal with your own problems. The trick is, you always have. You just gave credit to gawd (or blame to the debble.) Laughter, tears, worry, and elation are all part of life, and the fairy tale sky spook had and has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Stick around. Read, ask, and above all, think.

 

--Larry

[florduh]

Reading the testimonies of others who have left the cult will help you gain perspective. Grief and anger give way to contentment and freedom eventually. Hang in there!

 

- Chris

[Alice]

My story has some similarities to yours. My hubs and I were 'leading lights' in our church before our deconversion. It was a painful process and did take time.

 

One of the most useful conversations I have had has been been with my own children who do not regret our time in the church at all. They all feel they learnt important lessons and adopted good values (which they accept they could have picked up outside of church - but they feel that these things were emphasised for them) and they also know about christianity from the inside out (so no falling prey to evangelism for them!) They are prone to getting the giggles about some of the whackier things we got them involved in and my oldest two children do this great skit they called the 'christian youth workers - Seth and Amos' (this becomes funnier whne you take into account the fact that their actual names are not far off the spoof version they came up - but they know how to laugh at themselves and their family but with warmth and affection!)

 

I would say to your hubs - that life is a journey, he may have led his family into the church but he has led them back out again and the path he has taken was chosen with the best of intentions and with the knowledge and experience available to him at the time. Don't waste time on regrets.

 

It will get easier.

[Vigile]

It gets a whole lot easier with time. It's a lot different from other pain you may experience. For example, with the death of a loved one the pain ebbs over time, but since the loved one isn't coming back it never completely leaves you.

 

With the loss of your faith, OTH, when new perspective takes hold you will one day look back and wonder why and how you could have ever believed. There won't be a hole that never gets filled there will only be wonder and relief that you now have a fresh and healthy outlook on life.

 

Yeah, I promise, it gets a lot, lot bettter.

[upstarter]

Broken Hearted... you have found your people here! Come here and rant and cry and bitch all you need to. It helps. Otherwise, like everyone has said, time is the great healer. Just don't beat yourself up, it's hard to make a complete mental shift. You'll get there.

 

Heather

[Guest BSintolerant]

Atleast you have your husband to turn too. I have had to fight mine all the way, and he is still a christian. You also have a large amount of people who are on your side. The internet is exposing things left and right. Our whole society is moving in this direction, we just need more time. When I deconverted, it was hard because of all the black and ahite thinking. There is a lot of gray out there to be appreciated too. Grieving over this is similar to a divorce or death. I was so sad I cried all the time.

[Brother Jeff]

Here are a couple of articles that may be helpful to you:

 

Recovery from Religious Abuse

http://christianityisbullshit.com/2008/02/...eligious-abuse/

 

Psychological Issues of Ex-Believers

http://christianityisbullshit.com/2008/01/...f-ex-believers/

 

Losing religious faith is a lot like losing a loved one, and there are stages of grief to go through - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

 

I know that I denied that I was losing my faith for several years. I stayed in the anger phase for a few years. I bargained...God, if you'll just prove yourself to me... I went through depression, and I've finally arrived at acceptance, though I travel back to the anger phase sometimes. It's a process and a journey.

 

As others have said, it gets a whole lot easier with time. Hang in there!

[Guest laceknitter]

I was where you are a few weeks ago, and things have gotten a bit less intense. I have decided for now not to tell anyone, cuz if they tried to witness to me I'd have to slap them. Also, I try to focus on all the crap that I am free of, rather than on what I have lost.

[Guest Broken Hearted]

Thankyou to all of you. Your words are truly what I needed to hear. It is one thing to try to say them to your self but quite another when others surround you and bolster you.

I am amazed at our similarities and our differences but how all of them make us better. When I was a christian I forced myself to believe that everyone else was the enemy and to stay away from them. Now I am seeing the world through different eyes. I can once again love everybody. I have been in the process of fielding phone calls and e-mails from friends and loved ones. It has amazed me that on average the christians response is negative and the non christian response is positive. Quite the opposite of what the church teaches. The christians see it as an attack and that thier own faith is being brought in to question. The non- believer has no agenda. I understand they need to go through the process of coming to grips with our decision but I am pretty raw and the harsh words make it harder for us to respond. You are right BS intolerant I am incredibly lucky to have my husband. I needed that to be said because it certainly brought the good things back into perspective. We did watch a DVD called

What the bleep do we know!?

WOW..... Before all of this I would have turned it off 10 minutes in but now I watched it with my brain turned on and my eyes wide open. You are all right.... Time is what it will take.

Thankyou, All of you.....

[jchpiper]

Hi Broken Hearted...

 

Is that Candace Pert's "What the Bleep?" :-) I've never seen it, but I am a Pert fan...simply from reading one of her books, Molecules of Emotion. If you are a reader, you might enjoy it sometime. Not only does it go into the physiological side of emotions, but also Candace shares her story.

 

I'm Carol. I don't post much, kinda reading and thinking (but I like the chat room - ha!) ....and I too am grieving...perhaps somewhat of a different nature. I've been in process for awhile...this recent wave seems overwhelming, but in reality .... it is similar to the other waves.

 

I spent time at the bookstore Wednesday evening, perusing the shelf for about 1-1/2 hours looking for a book on grief. I found one. I just started it....the name of it is Good Grief. Catchy title. hehe The author lost her relationship with her family due to her particular way of life. That is what attracted me to the book....the grief in regard to loss...not necessarily death. But she does go into how we experience losses all the time....without acknowledging them. Even at birth....our lives begin with loss....a sever from the womb.

 

I found Brother Jeff's links to Psycholgical Issues extremely helpful in the past month or so.

 

I next want to purchase the book Leaving the Fold: http://marlenewinell.net/leaving_the_fold

 

If it had been at Borders, I would have bought it off the shelf....but alas...I must order it.

 

Sending good thoughts your way...and you can send some mine?

 

Cheers to you...and hugs...

~carol

[Guest Broken Hearted]

Carol,

 

Thank you... You can count on many wonderful thoughts coming your way. I am new at sending wonderful thoughts so the practice will do me good. I am not sure if Pert is in this film/documentary. There are many knowledgable people involved in it. She may have been one of them.

I am an avid reader. I am just now relearning what it is that I like to read. For 15+ years I have limited myself to only xtian reading. I have to rediscover my likes and dislikes based on my "own" opinion. I am very interested in the "molecules of emotion" , that one sounds like a keeper. Let me know your thoughts when you have finished the grief book. I have two books on the way. One is "The complete works of Josephus".. I am a big history buff. "The other is Losing faith in faith, from preacher to athiest". I am hoping that each will offer new things for my mind to help me deprogram from my old existence. I dont even know what music I really like. I havent chosen any thing sechular since I was 18 yrs old. I am hoping that my taste have atleast matured since then. It is nice to talk to all of you because sadly all of my friends are xtians and dwindling quickly.

By the way my name is Punkie.... Hi

[ogilvy]

Carol,

 

Thank you... You can count on many wonderful thoughts coming your way. I am new at sending wonderful thoughts so the practice will do me good. I am not sure if Pert is in this film/documentary. There are many knowledgable people involved in it. She may have been one of them.

I am an avid reader. I am just now relearning what it is that I like to read. For 15+ years I have limited myself to only xtian reading. I have to rediscover my likes and dislikes based on my "own" opinion. I am very interested in the "molecules of emotion" , that one sounds like a keeper. Let me know your thoughts when you have finished the grief book. I have two books on the way. One is "The complete works of Josephus".. I am a big history buff. "The other is Losing faith in faith, from preacher to athiest". I am hoping that each will offer new things for my mind to help me deprogram from my old existence. I dont even know what music I really like. I havent chosen any thing sechular since I was 18 yrs old. I am hoping that my taste have atleast matured since then. It is nice to talk to all of you because sadly all of my friends are xtians and dwindling quickly.

By the way my name is Punkie.... Hi

 

hi Punkie, you're very similar to me, it seems. its only been about 6 months since i stopped going to church. i got into a low state for a while. i felt the most upset about facing that i wont go to heaven, and i wont see my mother (who recently died) in heaven. as i a christian i felt secure, that nothing bad would happen to me, or rather, nothing i couldnt stand, and i didnt mind about dying when the time came. now it scares me, and also, i dont look at my mum's photo much any more. i find that part very sad and lonely, like a bleak feeling. to think of dying and being nothing is scarey. anyway now i dont think about what everything means. i'm putting it on hold. hopefully i'll go back to the way i was before i was a christian.

 

i can relate to what you said about loving people again, now that they're not our enemies. and about starting to read books again. i hadnt, for 20 years. also movies. i'm rather enjoying the 'worldly' things. i dont mean i'm going out getting drunk etc. i just mean, watching 'Grey's Anatomy', and reading thrillers. quite harmless really.

 

its strange what a difference it makes in this way, not being a Christian any more. as a christian i tried to avoid worldly things for a higher reward. now i'm making the most of the things i avoided for 20 years, because there is no reward for denying them. at least i think there isnt.

 

one thing i've found though, i dont feel any different than i did as a christian, because as a christian, i had to TRY to not like worldly and selfish things. now i just dont have to TRY. if you know what i mean. i'm the same person.

[marie]

I think I know what you mean about being able to relate to people normally again, now that they're not our enemies.

 

In my case, Catholicism demanded that I shun people who refused to "repent", rat out to the parish priest anybody I knew to be in some sort of potentially "scandalous" sin, "gently correct" anyone to whom I was close, and constantly be praying for everybody's souls- my own, everyone I knew, everyone in the world, "The Poor Souls of Purgatory", etc. Then, in the same self-contradictory breath, they demanded that I not judge anybody, and love everyone and forgive all wrongs! Can you say mind-games?

 

Now, I can just be open to people, and admit without incident that we're all human. And it's human when we move in with our boyfriend or girlfriend, say a swear when we accidentally stub our toes, eat a burger on a Friday, knock down a few drinks on a Saturday, or think some passing stranger on the street is sexy. Not only do I not have to torment myself about it; but I don't have to act like a self-righteous biatch toward others over it.

 

If not for the fear-of-Hell issues I still suffer, this would be such a relief!

[Guest Broken Hearted]

You made a good point pippa. I am the same person. One of my problems though is being stuck in a time warp. I havent made any decisions for myself that didnt involve "prayer" and piousness since I was 18.

I still sort of have the same hair do. I wear clothes that are a little unhip. I am changing that more though. I'm not gonna start dressin hootchy but atleast enjoy the styles of the day. And Marie (my middle name by the way) you are right we dont have to be the moral police anymore. It feels good. Each day I feel a little more lite hearted. I do have that twinge of fear but I know that it will take some time to deprogram and this place is great for that.

Pippa, I lost my Mom 9 months after I became a x-tian and my Dad 6 years later. Since we know that the bible is wrong then we can know that what it taught about life after death is wrong too. I dont know what happens to us but for some reason I think we will be o.k. and so are they. I can look at there photos more now. I think we need to trust our hearts more. The church says not to so that is more deprogramming to do. Trust your heart and allow yourself to miss your Mom. I remember my Mom by looking at my kids and telling them stories about her. Allow yourself the chance to grieve properly. You will one day put her picture out in a prominent place and smile evry time you look at it. I love walking by women who wear her favorite perfume, "red door" It brings to mind wonderful memories. I am really glad that there is a place like this where we can go and find help, support, advice, etc. from those who have been at this for a while. Thanks again everyone...............

[Guest ProperName]

I havent made any decisions for myself that didnt involve "prayer" and piousness since I was 18.

... I think we need to trust our hearts more. The church says not to so that is more deprogramming to do.

 

I'm with you there! I remember accidentally praying every once and a while for the first few months after deconvting. It's like second nature! I still haven't found a suitable alternative to the peace that prayer provided me (I see it as a psychological response-- with prayer, you're able to instantly stop worrying about things, so I've had a lot of issues with anxiety and panic attacks since deconverting). I've tried Buddhist meditation, but that sets off the "conscience" (the ingrained fear of anything outside of the Christian subculture).

 

The hardest thing for me has been deprogramming the "anti-self-esteem" teaching. I remember being told time and time again, "your worth shouldn't be based on anything you do, it's based upon your position as a daughter of the King. You are a princess, not because of what you have done, but because of what Christ has done for you." AGAIN and AGAIN. You can't be proud of yourself, you have a give all the glory to God. You can't LIKE YOURSELF, because that's worldly and vain. It's been a year and a half since I deconverted, and I still have trouble coming up with things I like about myself.

[Guest Broken Hearted]

I have been trying meditation. We have a light and sound machine that has worked well. It was something we bought before we deconverted to help with depression and anxiety. I have loved using it. I have rebelled some. Things the church force fed me about different scientific break throughs and how they are bad for you, I can now look at that information and really make up my own mind.

It will take more time like you said to learn how to take a compliment and find things about myself that I like. I am trying to start on a small scale. "I like the way my hair looks today" or " I like the way I look in a certain color"... baby steps I guess. My daughter is 13 and really paying attention to the way I respond to compliments and self image issues.

One tough thing is keeping all of the emotions in check. One minute I am fine and the next minute I feel overwhelmed by the choice I have made. I am glad to be free of all of the indoctrination but there is still alot of old stuff trapped in my brain that needs to be cleaned out. It did help alot to throw all things x-tian away. Interesting process isnt it?....

[PandaPirate]

I am hoping that I can get some useful information from those of you who are well into the process of deconverting. The pain I am feeling from no longer being able to go to god with all my cares and worries is something I was not prepared for. We have almost completed the process of telling our loved ones. That is not a fun task. Most of them see us as needing to be saved now or how can we choose the world over god. I think to myself, did you not know me?.... I was completely sold out for the lord. I lead bible studies. I counseled and mentored young women in a ministry for 4 years and dedicated every waking moment to study. I even tried to learn hebrew. I am going through all of the levels of grief some of which I can experience all at once.

My heart feels like it could literally explode at times. If any one has some advice that would be great. My husband is feeling the same way and he has the added pressure of feeling like he lead his family in deception for over 20 years. I know I need time but does this get easier? My whole identity was defined as being a christian. Thanks to any of you who can share on this. I really appreciate it.

 

I completely understand. Every day is pure hell. Where is God? Why am I here? Do I serve any purpose in being alive anymore? I've drowned myself in every drink and drug I could since deconverting and it's making things worse. It's a pain I'd rather live without. And, here you have your answer as to why people would rather believe in a lie. It's easier.