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Goodbye Jesus

My Mother-in-law Knows My "real" Problem


kozimoto

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So, I am an atheist. I did grow up in a somewhat dysfunctional home, however, and had a few distressing experiences in my life. But my family love me and support me, and I have nothing but respect for my widowed mother, who did what she could to keep our household together in the face of all this.

 

My mother-in-law, however, has decided that the "real" issues in my life, all my problems, and my decision to be an atheist, are because of that dysfunction, and sent me an email, quite specifically attacking my mother and saying that I need " to get right with god", "be healed of this" etc etc etc. I was upset, and called her, and raised my voice at her. I was upset not because she was telling the truth, but b/c she was attacking and lying about my family, and especially my mother.

 

So my husband, who is still a christian, wrote a stern letter to her and told her to apologise to me. Here is a few excerpts from the email she sent back....

 

Thanks for replying (DH),

 

I appreciate communication. DH, I can't talk to Koz about anything...she just yells at me. I can't express any thoughts or opinions about anything in her presence without her getting angry. I thought I may as well be real and tell her what the real issues are...which is her family...violence, alcohol and abuse. It's like "hello"!!

 

I even find it sometimes when you are praying for someone on an altar call, that if you hit a stronghold in their lives they will get angry but sometimes months later they will come back and say, you know what, you were right. But obviously where there is anger there is also a lot of grief and pain as well. And that is what the problem here is. None of us can go near the strongholds in Kozi's life because of the anger and the strong defences around her pain. The only reason I sent an email was cause I can't talk to Koz with out her getting angry or sense her retreating behind some very strong walls.

 

I mean to me it is obvious...the whole reason Kozi couldn't cope with the things happening around her was because a stronghold in her life was really coming to the surface. Her mum did her best but the reality is that she was in denial about what was happening to her own children and buried herself with other peoples babies. I know she did her best but the reality is that Koz and her sister are deeply affected.

[...more bullshit and lies...]

mom

ps Of course I will apologise to Koz if you think it would help I just need to know what exactly for...bringing up something very painful? I actually brought it up for her sake not mine cause I just think it causes her to run...anyhoo I have said enough.

 

 

How does one argue with this logic? Hmm? If I get upset, it is because she is "touching on strongholds and the truth". If I don't get angry, it's because she has helped me see the truth. But lest I forget, this is all for my sake, not hers.

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I'm actually going to leave it to my husband to do all the talking - as he is a christian, she can't pull any religiousity shit on him. Plus, I'm probably won't talk to her ever again.

 

But damn she is crazy! Anyone else have a story?

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How does one argue with this logic? Hmm? If I get upset, it is because she is "touching on strongholds and the truth™". If I don't get angry, it's because she has helped me see the truth™. But lest I forget, this is all for my sake, not hers.

 

:banghead:

 

As for this "if you get mad that means I'm right"... you might want to ask her what she does to kill all the Jews on this planet. After all, using her own "reasoning", all the world having gotten mad at hitler must then mean that the monster was right and Jews are pests to be eradicated...

 

...oh wait, sounds like she's a true braindead morontheist. She might actually just say "Of course they are! I'm so happy that you begin to understand the truth"...! :repuke:

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Hey Koz, Sorry you are having to deal with such a crappy e-mail. The "you just get mad b/c I'm right" argument is sooo lame. IMO, it is just a way for her to attempt to shirk responsibility for spiritually harassing you. On the other hand, it sounds like you are on the right track by letting your husband deal with her. My hubby has been really good about dealing with my family for me until I am strong enough to stand up to them on my own.

 

When I went home for christmas, I had a total freaking panic attack about having to see them (they are missionaries) so my husband called them all and told them that I was having a nervous breakdown b/c they are always pushing their christan crap on me. Basically, whenever I go home I just hide out at my in-laws house while they fend off my parents. I hope that someday I will be able to deal with them, but right now they just keep saying the same things over and over (much like the ones in the last part of the e-mail about "strongholds" and such).

 

There is no such thing as a "stronghold"...were all just human and everyone deals with things differently. They used to always tell me that I had a "stronghold of rebellion" b/c I always get raging pissed when confronted with stupid x-tian dogma but once I stopped believing in "strongholds" that argument quit working on me. Hope this is encouraging to you and I wish you the best of luck.:)

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I mean to me it is obvious... blah blah blah

 

 

 

See, this right there is whats wrong with a LOT of xtians. Everything is "simple" or "obvious". Why? Because a chuch or religion feed them all the answers. Does not matter if the answers are crapola or not, they are answers none the less.

 

It is really tough to argue with someone who "knows all things..." Just look at this board for example. We argue logically and soundly with xtians all the time, yet they keep fumbling around, giving non-sense answers... there just is no way to penatrate the thick sculls of some of them.

 

My advice? Don't communicate with her. Unless of course, talking to a brick wall is entertaining to you...

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I mean to me it is obvious...the whole reason Kozi couldn't cope with the things happening around her was because a stronghold in her life was really coming to the surface.

 

The expression "stronghold in her life" sounds like something an uneducated yokel pastor would say. Your mother-in-law is just repeating it and using it as an excuse for her inablility or unwillingness to try to understand what you are saying. It is a nonsense "Christianese" phrase with no meaning, and its used twice. I don't think its useful to try to argue with a person using phrases such as this.

 

If it were me I would ask her nicely (prefereably in writing) not to write any further e-mails containing preaching or verbal attacks. Then if it happens again I would block her e-mail and cut communication like SWIM says.

 

It sounds like if you get an apology it won't be genuine.

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One bit of advice I picked up in the martial arts is to 'act, not react.' This means when someone attacks you, they do so knowing you will behave in a certain manner that will allow them to control the fight--a hit to the mouth will make you flinch and allow another attack. The idea is to respond in a manner in which they will not expect. If someone punches you in the mouth, instead of flinching, respond with a hammer fist to their nose.

 

In arguments, people expect you to defend yourself against questions. Instead of defending your position, make the other person defend theirs instead. If they ask you why you are an atheist, don't answer directly, make them prove their position against atheism and then tear their argument apart, especially if they can only rely upon the babble to prove their point. Take the fight to the enemy.

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Sounds like she is just using her xianity as a passive aggressive cover for being a truly bitchy MiL. If she was in my life, I would just avoid her and refuse to talk to her when I couldn't avoid contact.

 

But my wife and I are both lucky to have two very unobtrusive MiL's so I guess I don't have enough experience with this situation to give good solid advice, so take this FWIW.

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I suspect that the Real Problem™ is that your MIL is an arrogant, narcissistic bitch.

 

You can't argue with her kind of logic. It's self-absorbed, self-serving, and she will only make everything your problem. Best to limit contact as much as possible and let hubby deal with her from here on out.

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If I don't get angry, it's because she has helped me see the truth.

 

It's funny how many Christians don't seem to understand that if you argue with an idiot, you have a greater chance of becoming one

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I am new, this is my first post, so I hope it is OK if I jump in here, I've been lurking for months. I have a bit of a different perspective in that I am not an Ex-Christian, but raised with absolutely no beliefs and still have none. But I relate to a lot of the things y'all post.

 

Sorry you have such a freaky MIL. Mine was a devout Baptist who walked the walk. She was a gracious, genteel lady who never made me feel anything other than 100% accepted for who I was and what I did/didn't believe in. I was very lucky to have her as my MIL and was heartbroken when we lost her a year ago.

 

Taking the Christian stuff out, it is just simply none of your MIL's business. Your past, your family, etc., should be totally off limits to your MIL. She has no right to even talk about that, must less judge. She is totally overstepping her bounds, Christian crap or not.

 

I noticed she never apologized, but I wouldn't hold my breath on that one. You are very lucky you have a husband that supports you and goes to bat for you against his mother, I have read many stories of just the opposite. I would have your husband write back to her and be very firm on the fact that it is none of her business, she has no right judging you or your mother, and she is never to speak of it again, it is not her place. I would also have him point out that she didn't apologize and that he is still waiting for one.

 

And I would be very tempted to armchair analyze what type of parent she was and the things she did to mess up her kids. Nothing shuts up the "perfect" faster than turning it around on them and making them look in the mirror. The last thing they want is for their flaws to be pointed out. And if they know that is to be the consequences of their behavior, they usually back off quickly.

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Hi Koz,

 

I think Cracka makes a very valid point here,

 

Taking the Christian stuff out, it is just simply none of your MIL's business. Your past, your family, etc., should be totally off limits to your MIL. She has no right to even talk about that, must less judge. She is totally overstepping her bounds, Christian crap or not.

 

I'd also agree that your hubs is wonderful to be taking this up with his mother for you. In this instance it sends a strong message to her, that she is not going to be allowed to bully you and that you are standing together on this.

 

So although I agree with Cracka, that your MIL has no right to overstep the boundaries - she already has and one way forward is to respond in a way that might 'contain' her from further infringements. I guess my approach would be about trying to create a situation where you and your MIL might be able to have an OK relationship, rather than the suggested solutions that involve cutting her out. Solutions are very personal and I guess dependent on your own 'vision' of how you would like family life to be. Not that perfection is possible :)

 

But if you wanted to go down the path of trying to improve relationships ... I think this part of your post is really powerful and it could be useful to convey this is the response your hubby makes ..

 

.. my family love me and support me, and I have nothing but respect for my widowed mother, who did what she could to keep our household together in the face of all this.

 

I wouldn't get involved in challenging or answering anything she said in her email, I'd hone in on her question about apologising and say something along these lines ...

 

Mom,

 

thank you for saying that you will apologise, this really means a lot to both of us. I also appreciate the fact that you have asked for clarification before apologising. One thing we all have in common is a desire to be sincere and genuine, and I respect the importance you place on knowing what it is you would be apologising for!

 

I am sure you believe that your comments about 'strongholds' and so forth would be helpful, but this is how they felt to Koz and I share her feelings.

 

They felt dismissive and disrespectful of people and situations that mean a lot to Koz. Koz recognises that there were aspects of her childhood that could have been better, but she has a forgiving and loving heart - she has a greater knowledge of her own past than anyone else could ever have and she has chosen to respect her Mother and appreciate the love and support her family give her. I therefore have chosen to do the same and I hope you will as well.

 

Koz feels angry when other people run her family down and mom, when you do this - (even if it's not intentional) I feel angry as well. This is not anger as a result of somekind of stronghold, this is a reaction to your criticsms of people Koz loves! The things you regard as 'obvious' are not the way we see things and having someone make assumptions about situations feels hurtful also. I think the most useful things to apologise for would be for having been critical of Koz's family and for making assumptions about the way Koz feels. These are the things that makes Koz want to retreat behind walls!

 

I hope I have explained this OK, please let me know if you are still unsure about anything,

 

DH

 

There are many valid ways of approaching difficult in-laws. I would opt for a mediation route because a MIL is for life and not just for christmas, and christmas alone can be a nightmare if there is ongoing conflict ;)

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Thanks for all the support and wisdom, guys!

 

My husband was very stern with her and this week she apologised to me. Perhaps she still thinks those things in private, but at least she renounced them to me on paper and in person, which is great. I was so tempted to lay into her about her failings, but in the end, I didn't want to waste the energy - it wold be too easy!

 

Alice - A MIL is for life, not just for christmas! That is classic!

 

I said thanks for the apology but I need some time to process, and that's okay. So cheers!

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Stronghold?? WTF is that, some new christofascist way of implying you're in denial? What a bunch of maroons!

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