Why Does Being More Confident Make Me Feel Worse?

[Manditag in AK]

One thing I can say for sure is that this deconversion ride is one that takes you places you would never have suspected to be. Since deconverting my confidence has skyrocketed, for a lot of reasons. Obviously there is the lack of the 'raised up scum' mentality, but also I feel more capable, and feel like since I don't have to shoot for perfection it's easier to reach the goals I do have. essentially it's a snowball effect.

 

However, This increase in confidence has left me with problems-primarily from choices I made when I didn't feel as good about myself. Hence, there are things in my life I am unhappy about, and finally feel good enough about myself to pursue them. But I am in such a different place now than I was when a lot of the religion stuff started that I'm not sure I can really just tack my old dreams on to my current life. This has been causing a lot of stress and ironically I feel worse now that I have more confidence than I did when I was still a christian.

 

Anyone else experience this or have any suggestions how to deal with this problem?

[BigVaden]

I'm going to take a huge guess here and say your talking about a relationship or something along those lines, thats just what it sounds like to me. And if thats the case, I, personally, would do whatever you need to make yourself happy. I know that sounds self-centered, but if you aren't happy, then ultimately that's going to come to light the slow (thus more painful) way and things are going to turn sour, regaurdless of whether it is now or distant future.

 

If you are not talking about that, then that was a total swing and a miss on my part Either way, I would say the same thing. Just do what you need to do to make yourself happy (within reason, obviously) and things will work themselves out. Once you get through the rough part of the actual change itself, you will be glad you did after it's all said and done and you have achieved whatever it is you are aspiring for.

 

All that being said, I'm just a newbie on these forums, and that's just my 2 cents

[Manditag in AK]

well, you were half right, BigV, part of it is relational, specifically with my mom and husband, but it's also me. there were dreams I felt like I needed to give up, things I felt like I was supposed to be, and I'm going to own up that it's ME who made those choices, not anyone else.

 

 

The biggest problem right now is determining what would bring about that maximum happiness.....still a little too low on watts to have that figured out yet.

 

 

[Astreja]

Revisit those dreams in the context of your current situation. Are they actually gone for good, or can you start taking steps to fulfill them now? Because, with very few exceptions, now is better than never. Look at them, one at a time, and pay close attention to the underlying reasons you wanted to do/have those things.

 

As for the feelings of dissatisfaction, I think that's actually a sign of personal growth as you move out of your comfort zone. A piece of an advice from a cranky old doer-of-many-things: Tackle things one at a time and stay focused, rather than trying to do it all at once. That's exhausting, confusing, and just plain doesn't work.

[R. S. Martin]

Without more information I feel like I'm totally in the dark. Being true to oneself is the best guide I know to true happiness. But one must differentiate between one's true self and acting out of a pseudo-self one has developed because one's true feelings were not allowed to be felt or expressed for whatever reason.

 

For example, some people seem to think if they were allowed to express themselves without limitation they would break the law in some heinous way. I think if that is the case, then perhaps they are not in touch with their real self and a pseudo-self has developed because they were not allowed to feel their true feelings.

 

I think a person who quietly holds to their own beliefs and lifestyle across time and changing circumstance regardless of how many others agree or disagree with them is probably living according to his or her true self. I did much self-analysis to find out what I actually liked and did not like, and what I just tried to like because others said I should. This helped me learn to know myself.

[Manditag in AK]

I'm realizing I really needed to be more specific....so here goes:

 

The relational issues with my husband have since been solved, but for the rest, with my mom I always used to talk to her about various things, usually at least once a day. Now, everything good(or bad) happening in my life is happening because of my deconversion. She's busy with my list of objections, trying to answer them so maybe I will return to christianity-which thinking about it I should probably tell her not to worry about. I don't mind listening to what she has to say, but I feel like when she's listening to me I hurt her because of her beliefs, so I don't say anything. It's been hard being isolated from her.

 

Ruby I think that's a great point, right now I don't know the difference between my true self and pseudo self. And Astreja, the biggest problem with just going ahead with my dreams, is that once my first son was born basically everything was put on hold. At the time I got pregnant I wasn't entirely sure what dreams I wanted to pursue, or if I had outgrown them in adolescence. So I am dealing with about 3 and 1/2 years of repressed self-hood.

 

Thank you, BTW, for the advice, it is something I try to do. People can get a lot of things done, but when it comes right down to it, we mostly ever only do one thing at a time. We may have multiple things waiting to be fulfilled, but concentration works best when it's concentrated on.

 

Back to the dreams subject, I feel like I want to be as true as I can to myself as possible, I have no reason to go with an afterlife concept, and I've always been one to make the most of 'now' anyway, so the question becomes what choice out of a limited number of options I should choose Now?

 

I have even tried asking myself if everyone was gone, what I would want to pursue, and I'm so out of touch with myself I'm not sure. Or maybe I just really can't decide. For example, I've always been good with language, I love to write, and for most of my teenage years wanted to be a writer. In college I was working toward getting a counselling degree, I would love to work with kids. Since then, my interest in health and fitness has grown exponentially, and being a nutritional consultant or personal trainer or both sounds appealing. Also, in relation to my kids, I have considered homeschooling. There are so many directions I could go, but I don't know now if the dreams I used to have still apply to who I have become today. I currently stay at home, and I am not entirely sure I would want to have to go to some job everyday.

 

Maybe I'm realistic enough to know I would be happy doing more than one of those things, and so that makes choosing one harder. Do you know of any methods to help determine the difference(pseudo vs real self), Ruby?

 

thanks so much everyone for your responses.

 

 

Mandy

[Piprus]

One thing I can say for sure is that this deconversion ride is one that takes you places you would never have suspected to be. Since deconverting my confidence has skyrocketed, for a lot of reasons. Obviously there is the lack of the 'raised up scum' mentality, but also I feel more capable, and feel like since I don't have to shoot for perfection it's easier to reach the goals I do have. essentially it's a snowball effect.

 

However, This increase in confidence has left me with problems-primarily from choices I made when I didn't feel as good about myself. Hence, there are things in my life I am unhappy about, and finally feel good enough about myself to pursue them. But I am in such a different place now than I was when a lot of the religion stuff started that I'm not sure I can really just tack my old dreams on to my current life. This has been causing a lot of stress and ironically I feel worse now that I have more confidence than I did when I was still a christian.

 

Anyone else experience this or have any suggestions how to deal with this problem?

Hi, Mandy..

 

Ah yes, the old "crisis of confidence". I think it a bit overrated.

Feeling good about your self, is just not always possible. Feeling uncomfortable about ourselves in the proper context is positive. It leads us to question ourselves and make decisions, based on the best thinking we have at the time. Life is a series of decisions and choices, and once made, have to be lived with and dealt with, and where possible, changed.

 

Abandoning the teet of christianity is like abandoning the teet that you needed when you were an infant. Sooner or later, you have to learn to eat on your own and seek the food for life that you need appropriate to your stage in life.

 

Based on what you are saying, you are growing normally. Keep up the good work.

 

Those old dreams of yours...are they still valid, or is it time to rethink them? Only you can decide...it is your life. That independence from made-up "God's plan for your life" garbage is challenging, but ultimately very rewarding. Enjoy the journey.

[Manditag in AK]

I would agree, as far as it not always being possible. But for the most part I try to live by the philosophy of 'if I did the best I could with the best I had, there's no point in feeling guilty if it didn't work'.

 

Wow....your reference immediately reminds me of the verse in the NT where they say 'when I was a child I did (everything) as a child, but now I'm a man and must put childish things away.' I can't help but grin when the bible is used as a reference for leaving christianity.

 

But thanks for the comments, Piprus, all of the reinforcement really helps me to keep my goals independent from the pressures placed upon me.

[Chikirin]

Now, everything good(or bad) happening in my life is happening because of my deconversion.

 

 

I think that if others don't like your decision, it is 100% THEIR problem, not yours. If it causes them grief, it is NOT your fault. If it hurts them, it does NOT mean that you are wrong or bad or uncaring, although they may try to make YOU feel bad about it. Each person has to figure out their own life, and you are doing that, and you deserve to enjoy the confidence that this has brought you.

[Positivist]

Hello M!

 

I've always wanted to get to Anchorage. I love northern places and have traveled quite a bit in the north of Canada and have dipped into Alaska but not very far.

 

ANYHOW. I really can relate to what you're saying. I pursued every aspect of my life based on my Christian beliefs. Now that those beliefs have turned out to be based on falsehoods and delusions, I am somewhat in a pickle in several areas of my life. Thankfully, my husband is a great guy whose beliefs are also changing--so that is one area that isn't completely shot. As for my career, that's another story. I went into it with a set of values and beliefs and I just don't believe in them any more. I am up to my ears in advanced degrees, which I've gotten as I was continually trying to fix the original mistake of picking the wrong thing. I have tried going back to school for a new area of work altogether but it is really difficult once you've enjoyed a measure of success in your previous career.

 

Ugh.

 

One thing I found helpful was going to see a psychologist to help me sort out where I wanted to go in life. I told her up front I didn't want to go to dark places in my past, but that I wanted to start where I am now and make plans for the present and future. It was very helpful and clarified several things for me.

 

As for people who argue with you and try to suck you back into the fold, just tell them to lay off. "If you start talking about X, Y or Z, I will hang up." "You know, when you pray for me, that's probably the best thing you can do. Your words can't save me." (That gives them something to "do"...)

 

My two cents! Find your passion and follow it!

[HRDWarrior]

Sounds to me like you've finally just taken the time to recognize what YOU would like in life, and the possibilities are suddenly endless since you no longer have the expectations of religion holding you back. Depending on your personality type, this may be compounded even more, since there are some of us (regardless of religion) who are simply wired to find a lot of things facinating, fullfilling, and enjoyable, and struggle to settle on any one thing (you can go ahead and toss me in with that group).

 

You actually say a lot of things that I go through, although I may be a bit further along in that I recognize it for what it is. Part of it is regret that Christianity (and it being forced down my throat) started me off in the wrong direction. Rather than my parents encouraging my learning, outside of home they not only discouraged things, but flat out made it nearly impossible for me to pursue what I really wanted to do (literally telling me that they would refuse to take care of my dog - we lived on an old farm with numerous dogs - not like she was the only one, and she was an easy dog - and they told me I would either have to put my dog down or stay at home where I could care for her). The fact that I would have gone off to college in pursuit of the sciences scared them, so they made it a nearly impossible decision for me, and I was too naive to realize that I could have worked something out about my dog once I got to school (or called them on their bluff, but I was well-programmed not to do that).

 

Needless to say my life went off in other directions, but I still hold huge regrets about where my life went. My choices were prompted by the family and religion, and now that I'm free of all of that, it is disheartening to realize that those years are never going to be regained. On the other hand, I'm far more confident in myself and who I am, but if I take the time to think about it at all, those regrets pop up pretty easily.

 

I don't have any great suggestions. For me, I'm currently focused on one goal (other than paying bills lol), have a secondary and tertiary that I also work on, and I simplly try to accept that I'm going to regret where my life has headed, and deal with it where it's at and try to stay focused on the present and future rather than dwelling on what might have been.

 

As far as your mum goes, may just be time to back off on the sharing, and put religious topics on hold for awhile. Did that with my mom for awhile, it definitely helped out.