My Father's Guilt Trips

[Skiergirl24]

Since my mother died my father has had a VERY tough time. Understandable. Both my bro and I have been in counseling and it has helped. My father will not go to therapy. Won't do it. Won't go to a bereavement group. He will do NOTHING to help himself. He has no real friends because he alienated them all a while ago. He has no hobbies either. Therefore, he wants to be with me and my brother 24/7. I see my Dad several times a week and speak to him sometimes twice a day. But, enough is never enough. No sooner does my ass clear the threshold of my house does he begin calling me again. I had dinner with him yesterday. Today he sent me an email asking me if I wanted to come to dinner. I can't - I have plans. I told him that and he responded with "Fine. I'll eat by myself. As Always." First of all, I eat with him at LEAST 2ce a week ...AT LEAST. I'm 28...with my own life. I am sick and tired of being made to feel guilty for wanting to live a normal life. He cried like a baby when I told him I did not want to go on a week vacation with him. It makes me very sad to be around him and he is really bringing me down emotionally. First of all, 28 year old women don't go on vacation with their fathers. It is weird. I am an ADULT. I want to spend my vacation time with my BF and friends. I told my Dad I would do a weekend getaway but did not want to go away for a week. I am having a hard enough time dealing with the changes in my life. I cannot be his mother and wife on top of all that. The main reason I am going away to graduate school is to get away from him. Being around him is so stressful, sad and tense. I feel badly fot saying that but it is totally true. I cannot be his emotional outlet...I CANNOT DO IT ANYMORE. I AM NOT A THERAPIST! My father thinks that his behavior is totally normal and does not think he should have to change. He sees me as a bad person because I am unwilling to devote all my energy towards making him happy. I am dealing with so much shit of my own that it takes all my energy to keep MYSELF together. He is so emotionally needy and immature. He needs MAJOR MAJOR help. All throughout their marriage my mother urged him to seek counseling...he wouldn't. He won't get help. I need to get away from him and rebuild my own life. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just needed to vent!!!!!!!!!!!

[mwc]

You are well within your rights to want these boundaries. I'd say from what you've said that you've done more than enough to try to accommodate him but you have to draw the line someplace for both your sake.

 

mwc

[R. S. Martin]

What about this kind of contract (or whatever is appropriate for the details of the situation):

 

Dad, I'll make an agreement with you. From now until school starts I'll eat with you for each time you see a counselor. If you have three sessions a week with your counselor I will eat three meals with you that week. If you have a session only every other week, I will eat with you only one meal every other week. That's the contract. It's in your power. You have until [state a deadline] to decide.

 

 

Walk away and let him decide. Don't back down no matter what. Refuse to discuss the issue with him no matter what. At the deadline receive your answer and stick with it no matter what.

 

Just to be fair, you might offer to eat with him for a set number of times per week for two weeks or a month until he can arrange to see a counselor. Make it so he cannot choose to put off making arrangements.

 

I realize this violates everything we're taught about respecting parents but he's already violating the parent-child relationship. He's asking you to be his wife and/or mother. So be his mother. Lay down the law and stick with it. If he's legally capable of being an independent adult then you don't have to be his live-in mother. If he's incapable, then he must submit to whatever care you prescribe, which may be an old people's home, whether or not he prefers it. There are some choices kids don't get to make.

 

That's my opinion for what it's worth. Don't know what I'd actually do if I were in the position to make these decisions. What I did do was cut contact with family that was too abusive. This did impact my parents in their old age. Maybe that speaks for itself--I'd probably do it if my well-being and sanity were at stake.