Title: I Never Even Attended A Fundie Church...

[jackbauer]

and they still got to me.

 

I was never that religious, but did go to church as a kid. I never liked going to church and found it to be pretty boring and meaningless, but I went along with it unconsciously and made some friends there, so while I lived like anyone else, church did play a role in my life.

 

Once I started going to college and searching things on my own, I stumbled upon a website on hell run by fundamentalists. Now in the past, I have joked that if people will go to hell over everyday mistakes, hell would be a pretty crowded place. Everyone I knew and loved would be there, so whether I go to heaven or hell, it would all be cool. Besides, god and Jesus taught forgiveness, not condemnation, right? So why should I live in fear over any loving diety?

 

Well, in the past, my idea of hell was much more cartoony and humorous since I haven't grown up with hellfire sermons. I'll say that what I read on that website that day was my very first hellfire sermon, and having actually had the luxury of not living in fear until then, this was a huge shock to me. I can honestly say that those minutes after I read that article, I was in the greatest state of terror I think I have ever been in. I've always been a bit squeemish about certain things. For instance, as my name suggests, I love 24, but was turned off by the infected hotel plotline. Well, this was much worse than that. This made the hotel from 24 look like Mary Poppins and even worse, it was eternal. However, the worse thing about it was that it was REAL! This was not a horror movie where one could say it was fake and not have to worry about it, I feared this could actually happen and could not get these terrifying thoughts out of my head! People on this planet were going to hell every second! And it could happen to anyone, family friends, or even me!

 

Well, after reading that, I can say I've become pretty depressed for the next few weeks, not being able to appreciate the things of 'the world' seeing how it all meant nothing. Since I wanted to be rid of this fear that was eating away my enjoyment of life, I went on websites debunking hell, using bible translations, verses, and common sense to counter this common fear people had. I also read stories on near death experiences, which I saw as the best evidence of a peaceful afterlife. I had pretty much everyone I knew telling me not to worry, even those from church. I had all the reason not to believe I was on my way to hell, but... I still wasn't completely convinced. I went on more websites countering the good near death experiences with those of people who have supposedly been to hell, bible corrections, and apologetics debunking the claim that everyone will be saved in the end.

 

I can say it like this, reading the first page on hell was like getting struck by lighting, (even though I’ve never been struck), it’s a huge shock to the system which lingers for quite a while. After getting back on the religious websites, the stuff I read for the next couple months cut right through me like a sword. It wasn’t just actions which could condemn me to hell, it was my own thoughts and feelings I had to be on the lookout for! I also knew that I hadn’t really been sorry for my sins, therefore my many repentances to Christ my have been in vain. I was not only living in fear of such a dreadful, horrific place, I now had impossible standards to live by, and STILL had doubts if I was even following god. And to add insult to injury, I was made to feel that all this misery was all that I and everyone else deserved from god. So I basically felt as if god didn’t care about me! My life was supposed to be all about what some invisible deity who gives very vague clues as to who he is and I was supposed to care more about him than my own eternal soul! (yes, the most extreme views tend to stay with me). Basically everything I hated, feared, and dreaded, was coming true and I felt a mix of confusion, anxiety, dread, guilt, and all sorts of unhealthy feelings. What was I to do?

 

Ding ding ding! If I guessed Jesus, I was correct. Christianity wasn’t about trying to please god, it was about god already doing things for us. All I had to do was believe and forget my own works, but then there’s the bible verses about faith without works being dead. This was just confusing me more, so I ended up blending the ideas together to come to the conclusion that trusting in Christ’s spirit would change me and allow for me to be able to reach those goals. Of course, there was still doubt and confusing, even with my now set beliefs. What the hell does it mean to â€trust in Christâ€? Was I sincere enough? Was Christ really guiding me or were my thoughts fooling me? Was I just convicted of some sin or was it false guilt? I could go on and on about these confusions, but I don’t want to make this too long and I think most of you know what I’m talking about anyway.

 

Basically, my entire venture into the realm of fundamentalism lasted about six months. I continued down the spiritual path, but slowly stopped thinking about hell and damnation, started seeing more of the obvious flaws in the faith which I didn’t even need to read or study the bible to see (I could never get through that book). I think I’m almost out of that realm now, especially after studying psychology. I of course keep an open mind, wondering if maybe there is something I missed and am still pretty spiritual (probably more than I was before fundamentalism so I can’t say this experience was all bad) but I’m not going to go down the nearly self loathing, guilt ridden, abusive, paranoid route of religion ever again. After this, I now have a greater immune system to bullshit and think before I let my emotions get the best of me.

 

What’s sad about my experience is that unlike most of the people here, I had the support to get me out of it, but my obsessive, introverted nature kept me from that support, and my fears got the best of me to the point where even in the midst of the most convincing arguments against the faith, I still stayed, for fear that I may be wrong. As for Christians stuck in this belief system, I pity them, I really do, but at the same time they really piss me off. I haven’t talked too much with them, but when I do, they dodge around the questions, posting cute Christianese expressions, get into their own little clicks, and won’t admit that their religion is just that, a religion. While I see some good fruits in Christianity, I have seen enough of the bad stuff to be able to say that I hate the damn religion. I hate it because they pray on your worst fears, use guilt tactics to manipulate, and have this way of emotionally bitch slapping one where it hurts the most. I hate it because it demands ones life based on little evidence and does not allow for critical thinking. Perhaps Jesus did work miracles for some, but it didn’t work for me, and judging by the stories here, it was probably best I not waste any more time on this spiritual wild goose chase called Christianity unless I see some convincing reasons why I should.

[Guest eejay]

Great post!!!! It shows that if you can get that messed up with just a few months, it's pretty easy to see that those of us who had this shit shoved into our faces daily, had a lot more baggage to work off. I mean years. That's why it was so dangerous that a person who is already weak with mental problems (like my mom was) got so obsessively into it. If this religion can get normal everyday people messed up, it really creates a volatile situation when a disturbed person buys into it. Glad you were able to find your way back to reality and welcome aboard!!

[Robbobrob]

Welcome to the boards.

 

I too never stepped foot in the sanctuary of a Fundie Church, but have battled myself over what I have found on my spiritual journey. I just forgive myself because sometimes you have to spend a year in earthly Hell to find earthly Heaven.

[jackbauer]

Great post!!!! It shows that if you can get that messed up with just a few months, it's pretty easy to see that those of us who had this shit shoved into our faces daily, had a lot more baggage to work off. I mean years. That's why it was so dangerous that a person who is already weak with mental problems (like my mom was) got so obsessively into it. If this religion can get normal everyday people messed up, it really creates a volatile situation when a disturbed person buys into it. Glad you were able to find your way back to reality and welcome aboard!!

 

Thanks for the welcome. After months of lurking here, it's good to finally be able to share my thoughts.

 

Yes, religion can really screw people up, especially with the 'god is drawing you to him' and 'satan is decieving you'. I only imagine what it would be like growing up with this stuff and having no outside support. And people with mental disorders should have a restraining order against fundies because while I wouldn't go as far to say religion is a mental disorder, the extreme stuff found on the web would just be throwing gasoline onto an already buring fire. I do give some credit to my anxiety and obsessions since like I said, I was already squeemish about that kind of stuff, but I guess once I realized how irrational it all was, I finally had the balls to say 'fuck it'.

[par4dcourse]

A fundie church. Imagine 100 totally insane people in a room. Lots of sweat, spit, shouting, bible thumping, pew jumping, jibberish spoken and revered, loud repetitive music, people falling over. Then, a few hours later these same nutjobs re-infiltrate the general public and pose as sane people until next sunday.

You didn't miss a thing.

[jackbauer]

A fundie church. Imagine 100 totally insane people in a room. Lots of sweat, spit, shouting, bible thumping, pew jumping, jibberish spoken and revered, loud repetitive music, people falling over. Then, a few hours later these same nutjobs re-infiltrate the general public and pose as sane people until next sunday.

You didn't miss a thing.

 

If it's anything like the movie "saved" than I count my blessings.

[alpha centauri]

Hello, jackbauer, and welcome!

 

I agree that the very idea of hell is something that is shocking and troubling. It's an idea that has almost certainly contributed to the largest number of Christian converts, and is also designed to keep people under control when they're prone to wander away from such absurd teachings and dogma.

 

When I was a christian, I was very troubled by the idea of hell. Not that I thought I would go there. I believed I was saved, "washed by the precious blood of Jesus Christ" and promised the blessed assurance of heaven, etc.

 

But it troubled me that god would send the vast majority of humanity to a place of eternal suffering and torment. OK, they rejected his son, but still ... why the need for hell? Why the need to subject imperfect creations to a place of such evil, and forever and ever, without end?

 

The very idea contradicted the teachings of a loving, forgiving god.

 

It pointed to the contradictions, discrimination, schizoprenia, cruelty and hate that is such a strong part of christianity (while christians at the same time maintained that their god was in fact, love).

 

I remember reading a book written by a woman (Mary K. Baxter) who spoke of Jesus giving her a personal tour of the horrors of hell so she could warn people about it. The things the book described were every bit as horrific as what was described in Dante's Inferno. And Jesus would sadly walk through hell, as people cried out to him, asking "haven't I suffered enough? I'm sorry!" all to no avail.

 

I read that book almost three years ago when I was on vacation in Florida. It greatly troubled me. I walked through Disney World with my family, and instead of being happy, I was sad for all the people who were destined for hell.

 

The Bible in Matthew 7:13-14 talks about how narrow is the path that leads to salvation, and few find it.

 

That means according to the Bible, the vast majority of humanity will be cast into hell!

 

It was this and other gross examples of cruelty, favoritism, and DEMAND for worship (all in the bible) that helped me to see that christianity was all just a lie, something to be rejected.

 

It's no wonder that reason, science, free thought and skepticism is seen as the enemy of christianity!

[Odin]

Fear is monotheistic religion's greatest tool. Christianity demands self loathing, fear, closed-mindedness , and what does it give in return? A hope for a magical kingdom in the sky.

 

Right now, religion is on the throne of lies.

[Darkside]

If it's anything like the movie "saved" than I count my blessings.

 

No, it's worse. More like the movie "Jesus Camp." You're lucky you never got completely caught up in their churches -- I had a similar internet conversion experience, except I immediately went to a local fundy church and insted of costing me 6 months of my life it cost over 10 years.

[jackbauer]

Hello, jackbauer, and welcome!

 

I agree that the very idea of hell is something that is shocking and troubling. It's an idea that has almost certainly contributed to the largest number of Christian converts, and is also designed to keep people under control when they're prone to wander away from such absurd teachings and dogma.

 

When I was a christian, I was very troubled by the idea of hell. Not that I thought I would go there. I believed I was saved, "washed by the precious blood of Jesus Christ" and promised the blessed assurance of heaven, etc.

 

But it troubled me that god would send the vast majority of humanity to a place of eternal suffering and torment. OK, they rejected his son, but still ... why the need for hell? Why the need to subject imperfect creations to a place of such evil, and forever and ever, without end?

 

The very idea contradicted the teachings of a loving, forgiving god.

 

It pointed to the contradictions, discrimination, schizoprenia, cruelty and hate that is such a strong part of christianity (while christians at the same time maintained that their god was in fact, love).

 

I remember reading a book written by a woman (Mary K. Baxter) who spoke of Jesus giving her a personal tour of the horrors of hell so she could warn people about it. The things the book described were every bit as horrific as what was described in Dante's Inferno. And Jesus would sadly walk through hell, as people cried out to him, asking "haven't I suffered enough? I'm sorry!" all to no avail.

 

I read that book almost three years ago when I was on vacation in Florida. It greatly troubled me. I walked through Disney World with my family, and instead of being happy, I was sad for all the people who were destined for hell.

 

The Bible in Matthew 7:13-14 talks about how narrow is the path that leads to salvation, and few find it.

 

That means according to the Bible, the vast majority of humanity will be cast into hell!

 

It was this and other gross examples of cruelty, favoritism, and DEMAND for worship (all in the bible) that helped me to see that christianity was all just a lie, something to be rejected.

 

It's no wonder that reason, science, free thought and skepticism is seen as the enemy of christianity!

 

Yes yes yes. It wasn't just me, since I knew that decision was up to me, it was everyone else, who's eternal soul was on MY hands. Yet, I did not have the guts to tell someone face to face about the 'wonderful news'. I already had severe social anxiety, so this kind of stuff was already a huge adjustment, but even if I didn't, telling someone to accept Christ or burn in hell would have been VERY DIFFICULT. Yet, this is where the 'persecuted for Christ' played a role in this very burbonsome situation. It was HORRIBLE, seeing friends, family, and anyone (especially senior citizens) and worrying about their eternal soul and than feeling like crap because I felt too ashamed to share the good news. I was already an anxious person, I did not need this HUGE burdon of saving souls and worrying about my own sins.

 

I can honestly say that if it weren't for the hell stuff, Christians wouldn't be so fucked up. They alter their life around the BELIEF that there's a heaven and hell so they treat everything on earth as just a test and therefore show little compassion for peoples hardships on earth. Seeing the entire human race as damned by default doesn't help either. To save myself, I had to choose that it was not worth basing my life on something out of blind faith and live by what I DO know is true.

[R. S. Martin]

Yes yes yes. It wasn't just me, since I knew that decision was up to me, it was everyone else, who's eternal soul was on MY hands. Yet, I did not have the guts to tell someone face to face about the 'wonderful news'. I already had severe social anxiety, so this kind of stuff was already a huge adjustment, but even if I didn't, telling someone to accept Christ or burn in hell would have been VERY DIFFICULT. Yet, this is where the 'persecuted for Christ' played a role in this very burbonsome situation. It was HORRIBLE, seeing friends, family, and anyone (especially senior citizens) and worrying about their eternal soul and than feeling like crap because I felt too ashamed to share the good news. I was already an anxious person, I did not need this HUGE burdon of saving souls and worrying about my own sins.

 

I know what you're talking about! My church was against evangelization but I had these same very real worries. I was born into it.

 

I can honestly say that if it weren't for the hell stuff, Christians wouldn't be so fucked up. They alter their life around the BELIEF that there's a heaven and hell so they treat everything on earth as just a test and therefore show little compassion for peoples hardships on earth. Seeing the entire human race as damned by default doesn't help either. To save myself, I had to choose that it was not worth basing my life on something out of blind faith and live by what I DO know is true.

 

Yes! I'm just coming to see it this way and how very ridiculous it really is. It's taken me ten years just to get beyond the "What if hell is real and I'm wrong after all" stage. Recently I've been reading about mind-control tactics and that does wonders in giving an objective view. But fear is not rational and can obliterate any objectivity; I guess I'm just at the stage where I'm ready for it and I'm finding it helpful.