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Goodbye Jesus

You Know You're An Ex-christian When:


Guest Zenobia

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- When you SEE the hypocrisy and no longer make excuses for it.

 

- When you stop asking church authorities questions because you know you will get a religious rhetoric run-around, and start looking everywhere else for real answers.

 

- When you start to wonder what happens to the Offering collected every Sunday from the people around you who can barely afford Mac&Cheese, but are chipping what they can into the plate, and you find yourself staring at the minister's Rolex and brand new Crown Victoria.

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When you wake up early on Sunday morning so you can get to IHOP while they are still in church.

 

When singing Jesus Loves Me seems the same as singing Puff the Magic Dragon.

 

LOL I'm hungry for pancakes now.

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When the concept of "automatic forgiveness" ("oh, I was a complete and utter douche-bag to you, but because I have Jesus in my heart, you have to forgive me because he does!") is no longer compulsory!

 

WOO-HOO!

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Guest Zenobia

OMFG you guys are all so funny! What an awesomely creative group of people.

 

Comanche:

When you get pissed off at the Jesus shows on the History Channel because they all assume he existed.

 

I thought I was the only one who noticed that History Channel always seems biased towards the Xtian view of things. I was amazed when they started airing "The Universe" because it actually seems based on science and doesn't get into "creationism," etc. Maybe the old neo-con-fundy dude who ran the channel died off and his agnostic daughter took over???

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when your life doesn't revolve around don't's and shouldn'ts.

 

when watching the passion of the christ just makes you feel a little revolted.

 

when you're relieved sunday morning that you don't have anywhere to go

 

When you take a vacation with what used to be your tithe money.

 

 

And: you know you're a success as an ex-christian if when asking your children their favorite part of the sunday school they used to go to, they reply, "the donuts"

 

:HaHa:

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... when you look at this image and find it oddly appealing... :)

 

jc8.jpg

You read Antlerman's post and burst out in a hearty belly laugh.

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When your arguments on religious matters actually make sense.

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..you accidently turn on 700 club and leave it there, cause it's funnier than the sitcoms that are on.

 

You purposely tune in to John Hagee because you want a good laugh at a fat ass gluttonous preacher! Not to mention his son, two peas in a pod! Gluttons for Christ! Buffet lunch follows in the cafeteria, get there before the preachers do! :yum:

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Guest Myers
When you see a book on creation in the science section at the bookstore and retaliate by moving the bibles to the fiction section.

...That's a great idea.

 

When you can't help but giggle when the pastor says "fornication is a hellworthy sin" while reading from the Bible.

 

When the pastor recites "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" and stares directly at you in a menacing way.

 

When they sneeze and you say "Buddha bless you! No wait... Allah bless you! No... Krishna! That's not right... Satan? Isn't that the guy you worship?"

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The words "pot luck supper" no longer make you drool. (Summa dem little ole ladies could cook!!!) :lmao:

 

Dang, that means I'm not out. I liked the green stuff that I never did get the recipe for.

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When your arguments on religious matters actually make sense.

Now that makes sense! ;)

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This is a great thread :lmao:

 

You know you're an ex-Christian when you spend what used to be your tithe money on lotto tickets because you have more of a chance of getting something back that way

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I just thought of a few more:

 

You know you're an ex-Christian when you recognise the submission-domination dynamic prevalent in Christian man and woman relationships actually constitutes a fetish.

 

You know you're an ex-Christian when you no longer feel guilty about lieing in bed until lunch time on Sunday.

 

You know you're an ex-Christian when you can go to work on Monday and talk about what was on tv on Sunday night.

 

You know you're an ex-Christian when you don't cringe any more when your non-Christian friends asks you what you did on the weekend.

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OMFG you guys are all so funny! What an awesomely creative group of people.

 

Comanche:

When you get pissed off at the Jesus shows on the History Channel because they all assume he existed.

 

I thought I was the only one who noticed that History Channel always seems biased towards the Xtian view of things.

 

That's not just on your TV...

 

...although I admit that a lot of the documentaries that air over here are Reich productions, so... :shrug:

 

On the other hand, it might be interesting to compare the exact wording. Most of the documentaries I remember having seen here in Germany are mostly "Could jebus have been real?", with a stress on the "could"... and I don't remember any production ever giving an authoritarian "YES!" for an answer.

 

Still kind of nonsensical of course... but I seriously wonder, at least sometimes, whether the "original wording" was a confirmed "Yes! Of course our lawd did exist!!!111!!!oneoneone!!!!"...

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You laugh with childish happiness when you hear the "Bee booo beee boooo bi bi boopp boo boop bee bee bee beee booo....boooop booooooooop" of Steven Cobert's "God machine" (when on rare occasion he brings it out.

 

-You eagerly try to strain your ears to listen to Pope Benedict XVI....to see if he croaks out "No no noooo You have lost".... (just like in the Palpatine Mace Windu scene).

 

-You wonder why Benedict XVI needs the pope mobile to be bullet proof, and body guards. When he can just spin around while leaping at his enemies, while using the force....

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Guest Zenobia
The words "pot luck supper" no longer make you drool. (Summa dem little ole ladies could cook!!!) :lmao:

 

Dang, that means I'm not out. I liked the green stuff that I never did get the recipe for.

 

Ahhh.. you wonder what the recipe is for the "green stuff"? Here! Bwahahahahahah!

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You wonder why Jesus, if he wants to reveal himself, shows up in the shittiest locations. Why doesn't he appear at the food court in the Mall? Or at the McDonald's Drived Thru? Why does he only appear to downtrodden drug addicts, mentally insane individuals, in caves, in deserts where a person and a camel are the only witnesses?

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Guest eejay

....you can look at a thuderstorm or a rainbow, or any other natural phenomena, as just what it is, rather than a threat from god.

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When you rip ass in church and say "The Holy Farter spoke to me!"

 

Apologies to Brother Jeff.

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when watching the passion of the christ just makes you feel a little revolted.

when watching the reactions of the heavily Christian audience at The Passion Of The Christ makes you feel like projectile vomiting blood.

 

Of course, they'd probably like that.

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...you take pleasure in placing warning stickers on the bibles in the hotel rooms!

 

:lmao: I spit my coffee reading that!! to funny . I loved it.

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Great thread! Here's my two cents.

 

You know you're an ex-c when...

 

1.) You get to use the word lucky instead of blessed.

 

2.) Christian music makes you wince and you can't believe you spent all those years listening to that crap.

 

3.) You morn the loss of all the things you gave up for god..."Damn! I will never find that rare jungle remix again!" :Doh:

 

4.) You realize that reading Philosophy can actually free your mind instead of damning you to eternal hell.

 

5.) You no longer structure your life idiotic "faith building seminars" and "cell groups" and you view people who set themselves up as "leaders" with suspicion.

 

6.) You no longer have to wear pantyhose on Sundays.

 

7.) The Bible is only still on the shelf because it works as a nifty bookend to all the other books you would rather be reading.

 

8.) You realize that as a x-tian you were an asshole, and you rejoice that you see those around you as people and not potential converts.

 

9.) You stop naming your pets after people in the Bible.

 

and finally

 

10.) You realize that you were supposed to be somewhere 5 min ago, but you were distracted by someone's funny post here on Ex-C!

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You see the Bible as the horror movie it really is rather than trying to force it into some kind of mystical devotional book despite the fact that every psalm ends with killing off your enemies or dashing your neighbours' kids on the rocks.

 

I had problems with insomnia as a child. My mom said to repeat the 23 Psalm to put myself to sleep. Okay, but what about that verse in there: Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies?

 

Jesus said to love your enemies. Seems the psalmist wants to make them jealous--what with all that good food on our table that they're not allowed to have. How can one sleep with jealous enemies lurking in the shadows?

 

As an exChristian I am finally allowed to look that psalmist in the face and see him for the warlord that he was.

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