Lost my Best Friend of 20 years

[Guest tippysweet]

Hi!

 

I hope someone could help me out here please. First off, a short-story on why I am asking for help on what has been hurting me deeply.

 

I met my best friend in 6th grade when I moved. We have been friends ever since but something changed.

 

She was married prior, had two kids with her ex-husband. Met up with an ex-boyfriend of hers and they had a baby. One day she called me up to let me know she was engaged and she didn't sound happy about it. I asked her if this was something she wants to do-and she really didn't know what to say. But I already knew what she was thinking. Sure enough, she calls off the wedding. In which was a good call and I'm glad she didn't do that. It would of been for all of the wrong reasons.

 

Her birthday (june 4th) was coming up within a month and I told her-I'll take her out for a fun "Birthday/Girls Night Out". We went out and had a few drinks and got alittle silly but that was all in pure fun. That night-every bar we went to was dead. I felt really bad-cause the night started out late because I had to work.

 

(NOTE: I don't hang out in bars and I rarely drink-she was all up for going out)

 

 

During our conversations while were out,she brought up about not having sex again until she was married. Her "pastor" told her pre-martial sex is the root of her problems.

 

That was the last time I have ever seen or spoken to her. I called her a few days after her birthday to ask her if she'd like to go to the festival..like we used to a few years back. No phone call.

 

I ran into her ex-husband at the store:

 

Ex-husband: Hey, how are you doing?

 

Me: Doing well, have you spoken to ****** lately?

 

Ex-husband: Yes, I talk to her alot (they have two kids together)

 

Me: I've not spoken to ***** since we went out for her birthday.

 

Ex-husband: She's with God now.

 

I knew right then and there-I was right about what has caused her to change..the church or her pastor got to her.

 

I almost started to cry after her ex-husband told me that she's with God now.

-I was crushed cause what I feared was true.

 

I called her again lately (3 times) and asked her to just please call me-even if it's just for a few minutes to tell me that she's ok.

 

My birthday was July 2nd..and nothing...no "Happy Bithday" call.

 

It's just really weird and scary how people can go from one extreme to another.

I wonder if I should talk to her ex-husband?

 

I am not a bad person and I'd highly doubt she would of been my friend for soo long if I was. I know she's prob. really thinking about her life now and I don't understand why I can no longer be a part of it? I guess cause I'm not with God the way she is.?!?!?

 

Anyways-if the God she is with now-is a good God-then why would he make her not talk to me anymore-or make her feel that she is better off without me?

Because I'm not as involved in it as she?

 

I'd be lying to say that I'm not crushed....now I'm going to be sooo scared of people..wondering when their gonna disappear on me.

 

I'd like to write her a letter, I was even told to visit her at her house since she won't return my calls. But if she doesn't return my calls-then why would she want to see me? I want to visit her but I am also scared that she's going to tell me to get lost-and I'll be a basket case and that would be sooooooooo painful.

 

I guess no phone call is a friendier "hint" than just coming out to say it.

 

Sad here in Pennsylvania.

[Fweethawt]

First of all, welcome to the forum, Tippy.

 

I don't have any pointers for you, but I'm positive that some (PITCHU!!!) of our other members here will be happy to give you some advice on how to deal with this situation.

 

After all, that's what we're here for.

 

Take care, and welcome to ExC.

[Guest tippysweet]

Thank you soo much!

[Fweethawt]

Thank you soo much!

 

Tippy,

 

I sent a PM to Pitchu with a link to this thread

so that she wouldn't overlook it.

 

She has a similar situation going on between

she and her daughter. Even if she doesn't

have the solution that you're looking for, you'll

still have some of the best advice you can

get in this particular instance.

 

 

[Merlinfmct87]

Geez, that's rough. I'm sorry tippysweet. My heart goes out to you... I just wish I had something more substantive to offer you.

 

Merlin

[Ouroboros]

How sad.

 

It sounds like a cult thing to exclude and isolate someone from her past friends...

 

When you call her, do you get the voicemail? You should tell her how you feel and how heartbreaking it is for you.

[Guest tippysweet]

Thanks..I was thinking of calling again..and letting her know how sad I am.

 

Does this sound ok?

 

Hi *****, I haven't spoken to you in so long. I've called you numerous times and I've not heard from you. I'm really sad cause I'm thinking that you want nothing to do with me. Why's that you might ask? Because since we've last seen each other-I've not heard from you-and between the references of what you said about your Pastor -and then I run into *** and he tells me your with God now.

 

I know you have been through rough times lately and want to change your life for the better for yourself and your children. I just don't understand if your with God now-why you can't still be with me to? If being with God-helps you better yourself-I am all for it...but it seems as though your getting "rid" of what's not good for you anymore..and I never thought I'd be part of that. I'm just surprised that after all of these years-it would end like this. May I also add-that I hope it's just your being busy and that's why your not calling me.

 

If you don't want to tell me-then have *** tell me please if possible. I seriously need some closure here. That's all I ask of you please.

 

PS: I don't know if voicemail will take allof my message-but I'd like to at least write it out..so I don't ruffle her feathers or it comes out all wrong..URGHHHHHHHH!

[Guest tippysweet]

HanSolo-

 

When I call it does go straight to voicemail after it rings a few times.

[Onyx]

I'm sorry. I hope your friend will come around....

What a stupid ass your friend's preacher was for making your ex friend believe this bullshit!

I hope you will be happy and hopefully get your peace eventually, whether she answers or not.

[Fweethawt]

Thanks..I was thinking of calling again..and letting her know how sad I am.

 

Does this sound ok?

 

Hi *****, I haven't spoken to you in so long. I've called you numerous times and I've not heard from you. I'm really sad cause I'm thinking that you want nothing to do with me. Why's that you might ask? Because since we've last seen each other-I've not heard from you-and between the references of what you said about your Pastor -and then I run into *** and he tells me your with God now.

 

I know you have been through rough times lately and want to change your life for the better for yourself and your children. I just don't understand if your with God now-why you can't still be with me to? If being with God-helps you better yourself-I am all for it...but it seems as though your getting "rid" of what's not good for you anymore..and I never thought I'd be part of that. I'm just surprised that after all of these years-it would end like this. May I also add-that I hope it's just your being busy and that's why your not calling me.

 

If you don't want to tell me-then have *** tell me please if possible. I seriously need some closure here. That's all I ask of you please.

 

PS: I don't know if voicemail will take allof my message-but I'd like to at least write it out..so I don't ruffle her feathers or it comes out  all wrong..URGHHHHHHHH!

 

 

I would advise you to not follow through with something like this.

 

At least not right now.

 

Give this thread some time to evolve as more people contribute to it, then you can decide to do something like that or at the very least you'll find a better way to word it. If your friend is avoiding you because of the reasons you've stated, I can see how some of your comments could end up sounding insulting to her at this time.

 

Hopefully, you'll get enough good responses here that you'll be able to come up with a message that you are more comfortable with instead of that post where you are asking us if it sounds okay.

 

Give it a little more time, Tippy.

Then you'll be more comfortable in doing this.

[Ouroboros]

Thanks..I was thinking of calling again..and letting her know how sad I am.

 

Does this sound ok?

 

Hi *****, I haven't spoken to you in so long. I've called you numerous times and I've not heard from you. I'm really sad cause I'm thinking that you want nothing to do with me. Why's that you might ask? Because since we've last seen each other-I've not heard from you-and between the references of what you said about your Pastor -and then I run into *** and he tells me your with God now.

 

I know you have been through rough times lately and want to change your life for the better for yourself and your children. I just don't understand if your with God now-why you can't still be with me to? If being with God-helps you better yourself-I am all for it...but it seems as though your getting "rid" of what's not good for you anymore..and I never thought I'd be part of that. I'm just surprised that after all of these years-it would end like this. May I also add-that I hope it's just your being busy and that's why your not calling me.

 

If you don't want to tell me-then have *** tell me please if possible. I seriously need some closure here. That's all I ask of you please.

 

PS: I don't know if voicemail will take allof my message-but I'd like to at least write it out..so I don't ruffle her feathers or it comes out  all wrong..URGHHHHHHHH!

 

It sounds good. In my opinion (other members may have other ideas) what is important is just that you tell her what you feel. If you've been friends for that long, she must still feel something about it too. And like you said, at least you want a closure or a "good bye" from her, not just cold turkey. It's kind of rude.

 

Maybe you even can tell her you're worried she's hurt or something, and just want to know if she's alive...

 

But it really sounds like she got herself into a sect that requires her to immediately cut of all ties. If that's the case, she won't call, because they force her not to. And then, I have no experience how to handle that. That would be a tough one, except in that case the fault is less on her, and more on the stupid church.

 

(edit)

 

I saw Fwee has a different opinion, and that's ok, you know your friend best, so it's up to you how to handle it. But I know my wife wouldn't back down for something like this, she would go there as a bulldozer and knock the door, and confront her, in her face, and tell her she's been rude.

[Guest tippysweet]

That's what my boyfriend said..."It's rude".

 

I noticed that today I'm getting angry about it. It reminds me of the phases of death...tears..denial..pleading..anger..acceptance.

 

I've done all 3 so far and now I feel the 4th one.

 

She should know me well enough that what I say is not meant to insult her. I just like to explain WHY I've been feeling like I have..and how worried I am about her.

And why I came to the notion that maybe the church had something to do with her no longer speaking to me. If anything, I'm the one feeling insulted here.

 

[Fweethawt]

If anything, I'm the one feeling insulted here.

 

 

You're right, and you have every reason to feel insulted. The thing is, is that if she is wrapped up in a church like the one that Han described (cutting off all ties), you have to be extremely careful in how you handle this. Otherwise, you could easily destroy any glimpse of hope that there might be that the friendship is salvageable.

 

Unless I'm completely misunderstanding this situation, I'd say that it's a little too touchy to just confront her with the God and church questions right off the bat.

[pitchu]

Tippy,

 

Welcome to the forums.

 

I got Fwee's pm, and sure enough, he's recognized the similarities in our two situations. In my case, it's my adult daughter. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

 

It seems to me that the first thing you might do is to get as much information as you can, so you'll know more specifically what you're dealing with. Find out more details from her ex-husband; talk with mutual friends about what their recent experience with her has been; if you know who and where the pastor is, go to him and ask him enough about his church that you can draw some conclusions. Her parents, siblings -- what do they think? Has anything changed in those relationships? Get the people to share with you by *gently* prodding. Does she work? Then, you might talk with her co-workers. All of the above in an easy way, so as not to frighten her or those who know her. Just be a low-key sleuth.

 

If you do this, you won't feel so lost and helpless, because you'll actually be actively working on behalf of this friendship. And you'll probably soon be able to determine what the level of her "alteration" is. Once you know that, you can examine your options more realistically.

 

You probably need to know what you're dealing with before you attempt to deal with it.

 

It hurts horribly, I know.

[♦ nivek ♦]

Tippy...

 

From the mean_old_man...

 

Get and stay PISSED OFF...

 

The GohWd Skwuad stole your friend's mind, leveraged her mental status their way, used her emotional state to make her part of the xtian borg, the Xorg..

 

My advise is to stay in her face as much as you can, do not let her be shovelled into some *safe* haven (for them), do not allow them to suck her so far into thir clutches that she can't excape.

 

You may be the last and only safety line she has to grab when she rethinks this and goes to excape.

 

Be mad kiddo, stay pissed, focus when thinking of your friend, and remember what xtanity has stolen from you...

 

Be ready to help, be prepared for a fight, don't cut her off...

 

Don't fight nice.. Nice guys in this kind of battle finish "second place winner".

 

Welcome to Forums and ExC!

 

kL

[Mythra]

Tip - It's just sad what christianity does to people. Alienates em from lifelong friends like that. Probably just as well for your sake, though. If she's that indoctrinated, she's not the same person anymore. She's a Stepford Wife.

 

If you really want to talk to her, leave this message on her machine:

 

"I've been kind of struggling with the meaning of life, and wondering if there was anything to this Jesus stuff. Give me a call."

 

then wait a couple minutes.

 

 

Welcome to the forums. We can't replace your friend, but we are buddies all.

[Ouroboros]

Tippy...

 

From the mean_old_man...

 

Get and stay PISSED OFF...

 

The GohWd Skwuad stole your friend's mind, leveraged her mental status their way, used her emotional state to make her part of the xtian borg, the Xorg..

 

My advise is to stay in her face as much as you can, do not let her be shovelled into some *safe* haven (for them), do not allow them to suck her so far into thir clutches that she can't excape.

 

You may be the last and only safety line she has to grab when she rethinks this and goes to excape.

 

Be mad kiddo, stay pissed, focus when thinking of your friend, and remember what xtanity has stolen from you...

 

Be ready to help, be prepared for a fight, don't cut her off...

 

Don't fight nice.. Nice guys in this kind of battle finish "second place winner".

 

Welcome to Forums and ExC!

 

kL

You're the best Nivek!!!

 

It's so true, why should we let the Xorgs take our friends and cut all the ties?

 

Friendship is a freedom we have a right to protect and fight for too!

[Ouroboros]

Tip - It's just sad what christianity does to people.  Alienates em from lifelong friends like that.  Probably just as well for your sake, though.  If she's that indoctrinated, she's not the same person anymore.  She's a Stepford Wife.

 

If you really want to talk to her, leave this message on her machine:

 

"I've been kind of struggling with the meaning of life, and wondering if there was anything to this Jesus stuff.  Give me a call."

 

then wait a couple minutes. 

Welcome to the forums.  We can't replace your friend, but we are buddies all.

That's a very good way of getting her attention!

 

Or just read some weird passage in the Bible, and then call her and ask her what it means...

 

Oops.. it could be dangerous. The pastor might call back and try to pull you into the cult...

[NotBlinded]

You know, that really scared me when you said that she was "with god now". I thought that she had died. That's good she didn't...there is still hope.

 

A lot of times when we go into something new, we go full force ahead. Give her some time and maybe the new will wear off.

[Ouroboros]

You know, that really scared me when you said that she was "with god now".  I thought that she had died.  That's good she didn't...there is still hope.

 

A lot of times when we go into something new, we go full force ahead.  Give her some time and maybe the new will wear off.

Well, isn't joining a Church and Christianity an act of dying from oneself?

 

So in a sense, she is dead (from herself that is), and with God now...

[RedPillAddict]

Tippy...

 

From the mean_old_man...

 

Get and stay PISSED OFF...

 

The GohWd Skwuad stole your friend's mind, leveraged her mental status their way, used her emotional state to make her part of the xtian borg, the Xorg..

 

My advise is to stay in her face as much as you can, do not let her be shovelled into some *safe* haven (for them), do not allow them to suck her so far into thir clutches that she can't excape.

 

You may be the last and only safety line she has to grab when she rethinks this and goes to excape.

 

Be mad kiddo, stay pissed, focus when thinking of your friend, and remember what xtanity has stolen from you...

 

Be ready to help, be prepared for a fight, don't cut her off...

 

Don't fight nice.. Nice guys in this kind of battle finish "second place winner".

 

Welcome to Forums and ExC!

 

kL

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

I agree with Nivek. She is probably just brushing you off and then her fellow christians are comforting her and telling her to stay away. Its not fair and it is very rude. She should at least call you back.

[Brother Jeff]

Tippy,

 

I too am sorry to hear about this situation. I don't have anything really to add, except that it definitely would help very much to know which church she has gotten involved with, and what their beliefs are. Find out everything you can! Then, when the time is right, you will be armed with the necessary knowledge to help your friend and save your friendship.

 

Although fundamentalist Christianity is a cult, most fundie churches don't require you to cut off ties with "unsaved" family or friends. The apparent fact that this church does have such a requirement most definitely raises some large red flags in my mind.

 

The Rick Ross Institute has a great database of information on many cult groups:

 

http://www.rickross.com/

 

Other than that, what Brother Nivek said!

[Brother Jeff]

the Xorg..

 

The Xorg... I like that, Brother Nivek! Glory!

[pitchu]

Tippy, I re-iterate:

 

Making and acting on conclusions that are based on mere assumptions is no more likely to bring a good outcome in this situation than in any other you can think of. If you're dedicated to reason, be reasonable and find out the reasons and the truth. Once you've decided what your friend's situation is, based on gaining real knowledge, then your options can be weighed.

 

This is, after all, a friendship of 20 years. It's worth investigating what's actually going on before pushing her off a cliff or jumping off one yourself.

[Ouroboros]

Tippy, I re-iterate:

 

Making and acting on conclusions that are based on mere assumptions is no more likely to bring a good outcome in this situation than in any other you can think of.  If you're dedicated to reason, be reasonable and find out the reasons and the truth.  Once you've decided what your friend's situation is, based on gaining real knowledge, then your options can be weighed.

 

This is, after all, a friendship of 20 years.  It's worth investigating what's actually going on before pushing her off a cliff or jumping off one yourself.

 

I think that is a good idea, regardless what the next stepp will be.

 

"Know your enemy" is an old saying. And it goes for many things in life, know what your dealing with before you go to offensive. It could just as well be that something else has happened. (Honestly I can't really figure out what) But anyway like Pitchu said.