My Testimony

[Deva]

I am reposting my testimony, originally posted in December, 2003 on exchristian.org:

 

I was raised in a Christian home. When I was a child to the age of 8, I went to the Methodist Church. I have no bad memories of this time. I enjoyed going to Sunday School and church. My mother was always the more religious of my parents.

 

Then when I was 8 or 9, we moved to another state, and my mother became involved in an independent Baptist Church. My father was in the Air Force and was often away on trips, so my mother brought us to church. When my father was home, he also went to services, and both of my parents professed then and to this day that they are "saved."

 

I was baptised in the Baptist church when I was 12. I may have had a few doubts, but at that time I bought into the whole thing, and considered myself to also have been saved, although I really don't think I ever knew what that word really meant.

 

When I was 13 things became very difficult for me at school. I was a good student, but being a shy, quiet person there were bullies at school who would constantly pick at me and looking back on it the stress was just incredible and I basically dealt with it myself.

 

At the same time, I began to realize that some of what the church taught just did not make sense. This questioning that started then may have had something to do with the stress I was under and with the fact that our preacher at the time (who I liked) was killed in an automobile accident when he was only in his 40s. I simply could not comprehend this.

 

The preacher who came in after him was a person who should never have been a clergyman of any kind. He was very handsome and had some charisma, but what he preached was the most hard line fundamentalism you can imagine. At this time, we had to go to church twice on Sunday and also on Wednesday evening. My mother subscribed to the "Sword of the Lord" newspaper which featured the ravings of Carl McIntire. She carried the Scofield Reference Bible, the only acceptable version of the Bible was the King James Version.

 

Eventually the extreme hard line preaching of this minister was too much even for my mother, and she did leave the church. So from the age of 9 to about 15 or 16, my parents forced myself and my brothers to attend this hard line church. The damage was done then. My older brother at 16 rebelled and refused to go to church. My parents created a huge scene. I can still remember my mother crying. I decided then that I would go along to preserve peace in the family even though I despised this church by that time.

 

After my mother left the church I went with her for a while to a few different churches since I still considred myself a Christian and did not deeply question the validity of the religion.

 

I read extensively on the creation vs. evolution controversy. I began to be extremely troubled by the fundamentalist stand which was in opposition to scientifc discoveries. I felt that both positions were mutually incompatible and could not resolve my conflict over this. After I was 17, I went to college and never went to church again for many years.

 

I was married at the age of 23 and divorced 6 years later. This event made me deeply question my life and my relationships with people. The shock of the divorce made me see if I could not reconcile myself with my religion. I went back to church with my parents (who were once again attending a fundamentalist Baptist church) I went for a couple of years and saw that it could never be acceptable for me.

 

I still had not given up on Christianity though, after all, if I did not believe, I was going to hell and was taught that was the only way. I had a terrible conflict. I decided to try other denominations of Christianity in a desperate effort to reconcile my conflict. I went into the Unitarian Church for a couple of years, but saw there was nothing there. I went to the Episcopal Church and was attracted by the beauty of the service. I stayed there for about 6 years. When I realized that behind all the trappings there was no reality and no relation to the problems I faced in everyday life, I left. Also the priest was not someone I could say I admired. He was openly fighting with his wife during his sermons!

 

During the last few years in the Unitarian and Episcopal episodes, I did extensive reading during this period of philosophy and the Christian religion and its history. I was able to see how Christianity was put together by human beings. Once that really sank in, I was able to see that the Bible was not "the word of God" and not inerrant. The doctrine of original sin and the atonement has done incredible damage to my self image. Also the fundamentalist church's view of women is incredibly damaging if one takes it seriously and tries to follow it.

 

Two years ago I decided to really get into the teachings of Krishnamurti. I had read one of his books as a teenager. I really began to break from Christianity permanently at that point. The sense of freedom I have is just unlike anything I have seen before. To be free of all the doctrines that were imposed upon me. Just wonderful.

[Karhoof]

Deva, thank you for reposting this.

 

The sense of freedom I have is just unlike anything I have seen before. To be free of all the doctrines that were imposed upon me. Just wonderful.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean here.

 

 

Funny that your drift from hard line fundamentalism to Episcopalian followed the drift from the doctrines. Nice way to "ease out of it".

I've always called the Episcopal church "Catholic Light" (All of the saints, none of the guilt. )

 

We should compare notes about classmates.

[Deva]

As an update, I would say that I still find some few aspects of the Episcopal Chruch still attractive, and it has nothing to do with Christian dogma, which I have rejected completely. There are a lot of fairly open minded people and some friendly people to be found there. In fact, even last week I was very much tempted to go back to the church, just for a social type visit. However, there is a part of me that is still fundamentalist-- a part that wants to "do it right." I don't know if anyone other than a former fundy would understand what that is, but it carries over into other areas of life as well--even to other religions and philosophies. In other words, a half- assed Christmas Easter/purely social Christianity would never do for me and I would feel like a hypocrite. Its a rather dangerous sense of duty that creeps in that I am afraid might pull me back in.

 

I tell you, escaping from fundamentalist Christianity is not easy when you are raised in it.