Guest washedintheshower Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 Well this is my very first post here. I'm going to share my "testimony" although I don't know how eloquent it will be. I can be fairly obsessive at times and if I don't just get it out, I'll spend months writing and rewriting. I was brought up in the Lutheran faith (missouri synod)-but I'm okay now. (That's the little joke I used to always say when I was attending seminary classes). My father was a very strict and old fashioned biblical fundamentalist, who also happened to be a drunk. There were many times that he and my mother would come take us to church while they were still slightly drunk from the night before. Sunday mornings always smelled like Kessler's whiskey, Old Spice, and sometimes when my father was very very hungover, vomit. I remember liking church in general. Our pastor was a nice man who had a thick red beard and he always smelled of peppermint and he used to always chuck me under the chin. Since the missouri synod held to some of the old ways, some of the liturgy was still conducted in German at the time. I remember one part in the Nicene creed that was "den Sohn Gottes" that I always thought was " Dame sun goddess". I always liked the way the sun shone through the stained glass onto the carpet and how cool and smooth the wood of the pews felt. When I was really small I liked to kick my feet against the pew in front of me. We always dressed up for church (like good little lutherans) and my mother always made me wear those uncomfortable patent leather shoes with the hard soles. I liked the Boom! Boom! sound they made and my mother would always pinch my leg to get me to stop. I remember learning very early on that there was no place for women in the Lutheran church. I remember my Sunday School teacher asking us one time how we would serve god and I said "I'm going to be a pastor!" and she said to me "Don't be silly!There's no such thing as a woman pastor!" A few years later I remember during catechism classes that I and another girl were told to sit quietly while the boys in the class were fitted for their acolyte robes. I asked pastor what we would be doing if we couldn't be acolytes. He told us we could help in the kitchen. I knew then it wasn't right. There were further female injustices...no girls were allowed to play on the church little league softball team as it was sinful and improper. My father declared that my sister and I were not to be allowed to go to the movie theater under any circumstances because if we sat in the dark with boys in the room we would have sinful thoughts and besides "Girls could get pregnant" . My father died when I was 14 and the last time my mother made us go to church was at his funeral. From then on, her time was devoted to finding a new husband. When I graduated high school I fell away from church. Had no interest in it. I still basically believed the crap I was raised with..the creationism, the smiting, the damned, the revelation, the second coming, all of it. I went to college, got married and we started a family. My husband was raised as a Methodist but had pretty much left the church and didn't really believe most of it anyway. After our first daughter was born, he went along with me to have her baptised ...and our son...and our second daughter. Then we took them to Sunday School and I became heavily involved in the church and eventually became an ordained elder. The more time I spent at church, and in church activities the more disatisfied I got. So the more I read the bible, and the more things didn't make sense. When I'd try to talk about with my pastor or other people in the church I was always told it was because my " heart was resisting" and that I hadn't given myself totally over to the lord, and that I needed to pray more. So I kept studying and praying and I finally decided that all this "wanting" (for lack of a better word) and disatisfaction I felt was God's way of calling to me to "serve him" .So I told my husband (the supportive darling that he is) and soon I entered the seminary near us. I took a total of three classes. It was the overview class of the old testament that was the final straw for me. I had more questions that ever. I felt like I was losing my mind. The more I studied, the more I read the more I doubted, and the more I was afraid to admit it. I think that was when I really stopped believing, but I just couldn't say it. I went from seminary to working as a consultant for the denominational offices. I went around and worked with different groups from the churches in our area and tried to get them to act more like "real churches" because the sad fact is that the mainline churches are dying-rapidly. I spent 5 years doing that feeling absolutely empty and hollow the entire time...like the world's biggest fraud because the entire time I was trying to "save" a dying church I would be feeling the whole time "what the hell am I doing?" and I would be trying to hide the fact that in the whole time I worked for the denomination, I had attended church MAYBE a total of 3 times. I just couldn't anymore. Finally I got some courage and just quit my job last year. I just dropped it cold. At first I was terrified after all the time and effort I had put into the church. I really thought something horrible was going to happen to me, but all that happened was my stomach stopped hurting, and I could finally sleep. It sucks not having the income anymore because I did get paid very well...but it feels so good to not have to pretend anymore. I lost myself to religion early on and now, for the first time, I'm starting to discover who I truly am withOUT the albatross of religion weighing me down. Everytime I was confused or questioned something I was made to feel as if there was something wrong with ME. Now I know that I was fine all along. I'm sorry I rambled on so long..but that's my story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitchu Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 Welcome to the forums, washed. I love your vivid descriptions of girlhood moments in the church, and I have both admiration and a sense of sorrow for how long you stuck it out. I'm glad you found this place where your new sense of freedom and authenticity will be appreciated, and where, I'm sure, you'll have much thinking to share with the rest of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karhoof Posted September 19, 2008 Share Posted September 19, 2008 So the more I read the bible, and the more things didn't make sense. When I'd try to talk about with my pastor or other people in the church I was always told it was because my " heart was resisting" and that I hadn't given myself totally over to the lord, and that I needed to pray more. A lot of us have done exactly that. Tried harder when it wasn't working anymore. I've always likened it to using a product that doesn't work. You contact the manufacturer to tell them it doesn't work... and they offer you more. Okay.... but it doesn't WORK! Welcome back to reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Llwellyn Posted September 20, 2008 Share Posted September 20, 2008 I have known a few Missouri Synod Lutherans, and I have a lot of sympathy for what that must have been like for you. Congratulations on leaving the faith, and I hope that you find lasting hope and strength elsewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Googledotman Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Washedintheshower, Welcome to the forums. When you had said that someone told you a woman can't be a pastor, it reminds me of the time I was told that a gay man can't be saved. I guess that things like this show that GOD IS LOVE, if you consider love chauvanism. I hope the brainwashing of the Christianity won't affect you anymore. And by the way, I love your name. It sounds like a hymn satire. In fact, I'll make one up. Washed in the shower, I used that soap, Gonna get real clean, Cause washing is awesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest washedintheshower Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Thanks to everyone for your kind welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest washedintheshower Posted September 22, 2008 Share Posted September 22, 2008 Washedintheshower, Welcome to the forums. When you had said that someone told you a woman can't be a pastor, it reminds me of the time I was told that a gay man can't be saved. I guess that things like this show that GOD IS LOVE, if you consider love chauvanism. I hope the brainwashing of the Christianity won't affect you anymore. And by the way, I love your name. It sounds like a hymn satire. In fact, I'll make one up. Washed in the shower, I used that soap, Gonna get real clean, Cause washing is awesome Yep..instead of being "washed in the blood of the lamb", I'm washed in the shower at my house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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