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Goodbye Jesus

I Finally Did It!


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I am so elated right now I actually had to calm down a bit before I wrote this first sentence. You see, I’ve been waiting about 4 years to do this, and just 30 minutes ago I finally got the chance. I finally got to fuck with a jehovah’s witness not with insults (well, I threw a few in there) but with their own fucking holy book. Anyone familiar with my blogs knows I was brainwashed in a church/school until I was 15; I know my friggin’ bible, and I’m mad as hell about it!

 

So I saw these 2 young girls dressed conservatively and looking a little out of place walking a few doors down from my folks house this morning with an older man. Needless to say, I know this M.O., and I high tailed it around the block and into my parent’s house to lie and wait. I burst in the door and as luck would have it, my mom was sitting at the desk right by the front door! Her being there to witness this would only be a bonus!

 

I ran into my old bedroom, which has become what Audra and I refer to as the “family archives” (basically just a large bookshelf filled with everything that we do not have room for at our house, along with books of our folks) and grab my childhood bible. It contains about 15 years of research into biblical fallacies, contradictions, and absurdities. I then go out to the garage and grab moms bottle of lemon-scented bleach. On my way back into the house I stop in the kitchen and get a clear drinking glass out of the cupboard and then head back to the front door, all the while explaining to her that some JW are about to knock on the door.

 

“Oh no your not…we’re not answering the door, just let them be.” She protested after I explained my plan.

 

“Well, I am answering the door, “ I returned, “I’ve been waiting years to do this to someone, and I’m not letting it pass by today!”

 

Instead of protesting further, my mom then asks if the bible really says that. I open up my bible to the appropriate passage and let her read it for herself. At that point she said nothing more. My final step of preparation was to put our dog Zoë in the bathroom so we didn’t need to yell over her barking.

 

Then the knock on the door.

 

I almost felt bad doing this, as these were young girls, but they were intruding in my space without invitation, they should expect to be hit with some logic every few houses.

 

“Hello, do you think there will ever be peace in the world?” she asks right off the bat. I want to say to her, yea, when everybody figures out that religion keeps us divided as a planet and species but I instead need to hook them in a bit to get this to work, so I simply reply, “No, probably not.”

 

“Well”, she replies, “did you know that we are guaranteed peace if we just follow a fe--”

 

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to cut you off, but I’m sure you understand that I need to make sure you are a true believer of god before I can listen to your plan for salvation.” I said with my eyes locked directly to hers. This was hard for me to do because I generally get uncomfortable with direct eye contact with people, but I made a conscious effort to only break my gaze with the one girl to lock in with the other one.

 

“Of course,” she says with a smile and trying to be oh so polite and “professional”.

 

“So if you could turn to Mark 16:18 you will find jesus tells us how we can tell true believers from false ones.” As they are leafing through their bibles to find Mark I back away from the door a bit and begin to pour some bleach into the drinking glass and continue on.

 

“True followers of Christ are to be able to drink any poison and not die, so I’d like to offer you both a nice refreshing glass of bleach before we continue this conversation.” I say as I offer the glass to the first girl.

 

She looks at me like I’m the crazy one. “Oh no, I’m not drinking that.” I make sure to look confused.

 

“But it’s jesus talking to his disciples…” I plead as she interrupts me.

 

“Where does it say that again?”

 

“Mark 16:18. Are you saying that jesus is a liar?”

 

“NO! Absolutely not!”

 

“Well, then you must not believe the bible is the word of god.”

 

“No, that is not what I’m say--”

 

“Then you should have no qualms about drinking a glass of bleach then, how about you, would you like some?” I ask to the slightly older one standing behind her. She smiles politely and shakes her head without saying a word. As I type this now I feel I should have also quoted jesus’ statement that even those with the faith of a mustard seed will be able to do these feats, and of they are so afraid they must not have any faith, but the adrenaline was pumping through my body at this point and I was just trying hard not to break character just yet.

 

She began to regroup her thoughts and say something, but I was done at this point, because I knew they weren’t gonna drink the bleach, and it was getting hard for me to fight off the huge smile that was trying to break through. Plus, they were young, no need to drag this out further. I had planted the seed of critical examination into the claims of that book, my job was done at that point. So I interrupted her.

 

“It seems to me that you shouldn’t be knocking on people’s doors trying to sell something you don’t really believe in yourself, so why don’t you both just go fuck yourselves?” I said with a nice shit eating grin on my face and then slammed the door in their face.

 

I let out a nice yelp of joy as I’m pouring the bleach back into the bottle and rinsing out the glass and I’m sure they heard it whilst walking away. I put everything back where it belongs and then leave the house to go do what I had originally planned for the morning. As I get on my scooter and head down the block, I see the 2 girls getting into a grey car, so I slow down a bit.

 

“I’m sorry girls, but I hope one day you learn to think rationally and examine outrageous claims,” and drive away down the street.

 

I feel so good right now, because it is therapeutic to lash out to these religious freaks as a way to heal from my own freakish schooling. Sure, these poor girls didn’t do anything to me, but they walked up to me uninvited. I find the practice of evangelizing to be disgusting and offensive, and if I went around openly preaching Atheism and telling everyone who wasn’t like me they are wrong I’d expect the same treatment.

 

But it also feels good to have gotten some young kids thinking. Maybe the go fuck yourself line was too much and shut them off, but the one girl really did seem concerned the bible says to drink poison as a test of faith. No matter what they think of me or my choice of words, they now have that bible verse in their minds. If they are truly honest people, they will begin to ponder this for many, many years to come.

 

So far, this day has started off pretty well!

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That was a truly glorious thing you did, Brother Marty! I'll have to keep it in mind the next time god-botherers come knocking at my door. I love it! Glory!

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:notworthy::notworthy::notworthy::notworthy:
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we're not worthy!

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  • Super Moderator

Marty, you're making me less ashamed to be a Floridian.

 

Well done!

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<-- struggles back onto his feet as the fit of hysterical laughter slowly stops, looks at the clock and finds 30 minutes have passed

 

Hilarious man! :fdevil:

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Wow... I have no words! :)

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Marty,

 

 

YOU ROCK!

 

Definitely worth waiting years for! :lmao:

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I will have to admit that was pretty incredible.

 

I think that the language at the end was a bit far, but other than that, WOW.

 

Whenever they used to come to my house, I would actually run under the table to hide. No joke. My mom would always try to use the Bible to convince them of Catholicism. Even though I was really Catholic at the time, it always embarrassed me big time when she would do that.

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Wow.... Can I share this in a MySpace Bulletin?

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Haha! WOW. That is amazingly awesome. Three thumbs up :thanks:

 

As for me, well I would drink the bleach, but I'm on a strict no-bleach diet...

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As for me, well I would drink the bleach, but I'm on a strict no-bleach diet...

Awww. C'mon. One cup. Then I promise you can go right back to your diet (might even make it easier). ;)

 

mwc

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Thanks all, I still can't believe I got a chance to do it. I really thought my house was blacklisted by these groups because of other things I have said to them in the past, but I guess not. These were the first visitors I've seen around these parts in quite a long time.

 

And yes, anybody who wants to snip that into a myspace bulletin or blog, go right ahead. I already did both before I posted it here.

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  • Super Moderator

WHOOOOO-HOOOOOO!

 

That was absolutely THE best way I've ever heard of to deal with those nutjob doorknockers! I can't wait for the next JW or Mormon to come to my door. (Damn, even the Southern Baptists came by this summer!? WTF!) Actually, I won't have to wait for them - I can use this on some of my own family members!

 

Hey, maybe we should suggest that cup of bleach to all the trolls who bother us here too! (Knupfer, did you see that!?!)

 

Way to go, Marty!

 

 

:lmao::wicked::lmao::wicked::lmao:

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  • Super Moderator

Marty,

 

The more I thought about your great Mark 16:18 idea, the more I realized your message needs to be spread. So, this morning, I posted the following on the RANTS AND REPLIES section:

 

A Message To Knupfer, All True Believers, And Various Other Trolls Who Stop By,

 

Since you think it is your mission in life to re-christianize us, we need to be sure YOU indeed are a True Believer. Therefore, please read and follow the instructions in Mark 16:18 before posting. Until then, we will continue to believe that your talk is merely the drivel that it has always been. Anyhow, here's a nice glass of citrus-flavored bleach with your name on it. Thank you.

 

Waiting..........

 

* * * * * *

 

Kudos to Marty for coming up with this idea.

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?show...c=26258&hl=

 

 

Mark 16:18 states:

"...and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all..."

 

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT ADVOCATE THE DRINKING OF POISON. THIS IS SIMPLY A "PARABLE" TEACHING THE VALUE OF CRITICAL THINKING!

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?show...t=0#entry400385

 

Thanks again!

BP

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(Damn good story!)

Well done, Marty!! :notworthy: :notworthy: :17: :17: Now I'm gonna have to steal another bible from a hotel in order to keep it and a serving of bleach by the front door!

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Oops! I think I misspoke. I should have said that now I'm going to have to take one of the freely provided free bibles given freely by The Gideons to the hotels which then freely give them to customers...free! :grin:

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