Guest christianlongago Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I started a topic some months ago called Mental and Emotional Abuse and got a lot of good insights. But here I am again asking does anyone have an good ideas on how you get an "disturbed" ex-girlfriend who probably still blames all her problems on her Christian upbringing to leave me the Hell Alone. I have been through the court stuff and I and the courts sort off took her off the hook for all her harassment in the past because she is "disturbed" and we felt sorry for her. Now it is starting up again. She thinks I am following her and even went to the local police. They talked to me about it but not in the terms that I was doing anything wrong it was more of a watch out for yourself. Everyone in this small town knows I want nothing to do with her and she has become quite the local joke but she just doesn't get what harassment is. Reporting you to the police for stuff you don't do is harassing. The ex-christian part her is that she is convinced her problems were and are still caused by others. Out of fairness I should point out that she once posted on this site but had told me just prior to our breaking up that she was not getting the support or validation from you folks any longer. So any ideas or should I just let her think I am following her or that I even care enough to even give a damn what she does. I am very involved in my town and I certainly don't need her going to the police and having my name brought up over there. Plus I want to feel safe in my own town. For all I know she could but up some new boyfriend to do me harm and that concerns me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SWIM Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 My ex-wife HATED that I broke it off. In the beginning, she was doing similar, calling, stopping by gifts in hand etc etc. My advice to you is from experience. "TIME" will solve your problem. Leave her alone, do not call or write, if she calls let the answering machine pick it up. This works, eventually will come acceptance and they will stop bothering you, and YES my ex was *very* disturbed, so I know this works on even disturbed people. A good, real example of why this works consistently is this: Ever have someone close to you die? Remember how torn with pain and loss you were? Remember how intense the pain was? Is the pain there now? If enough time has past, you should not be suffering anymore, and honestly, I would bet you think about them less and less as time goes by. Of course you will never fully forget them, if you loved them, but the point is, somewhere down the line you acquired "acceptance". This holds true for relationships. Only in this situation it is not the "person" who died, rather the relationship is what died. But it is STILL a death of sorts, and the only thing that cures this is "time". So, keep avoiding, no communication, no contact whatsoever, and eventually, no matter how disturbed, they WILL let go and leave you alone. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I agree with SWIM. I would cut off all contact with her. Don’t answer any phone calls, ever. If she confronts you in public, walk away. Ignore her, ignore, ignore her!!! I dated a man once who did not get angry when I broke up with him. But he could not/would not believe that it was over. Because I am sometimes too kind-hearted, I tried to remain friendly, answer phone calls, respond to him when he approached me. (Unfortunately, we went to the same church so I could not avoid him.) It took a while for me to realize that even the tiniest platonic response fed his fantasy that we were going to get back together. He did not give up for over two years which included leaving voice mails on an almost daily basis. (This was after I stopped answering the phone. I blocked him from my home phone, and he called and left voice mails on my work number.) Even after I married, he made comments to my husband about how I was smiling and winking at him in church. In reality I did everything in my power to avoid looking at him, but he just would not give up! I don’t know how you can handle her accusations against you, and I certainly don’t know how you should deal with your concern that she might have someone do you harm. But as much as possible, avoid anything that would make her think you are interested in being in contact with her. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 It sucks to be in this situation. I knew a woman that couldn't get rid of a guy that was interested in her, so she finally moved several states away. That seemed to do it since he couldn't afford to move also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 So any ideas or should I just let her think I am following her or that I even care enough to even give a damn what she does. I am very involved in my town and I certainly don't need her going to the police and having my name brought up over there. Plus I want to feel safe in my own town. For all I know she could but up some new boyfriend to do me harm and that concerns me. Are you the same guy that had the problem with the crazy chick coming to the concerts he worked and the library and all that? If so, then why'd you let her off the hook? I know you said you felt sorry for her but seriously guy...she's wacky. I thought you understand that? Can you contact someone in her family and somehow get them to help you out with her? Maybe work with you to get the courts to help her help herself if she won't see a doc and get some meds/counseling (shock treatment) on her own? Ignoring her didn't work before. I'm afraid you might have to repeat the whole cycle again but this time stick it out to the end. Don't take pity until she gets some much needed help. You really are helping her in the long run that way (and once she does get help don't start up any sort of relationship no matter what...just don't). mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest QuidEstCaritas? Posted January 31, 2009 Share Posted January 31, 2009 I started a topic some months ago called Mental and Emotional Abuse and got a lot of good insights. But here I am again asking does anyone have an good ideas on how you get an "disturbed" ex-girlfriend who probably still blames all her problems on her Christian upbringing to leave me the Hell Alone. I have been through the court stuff and I and the courts sort off took her off the hook for all her harassment in the past because she is "disturbed" and we felt sorry for her. Now it is starting up again. She thinks I am following her and even went to the local police. They talked to me about it but not in the terms that I was doing anything wrong it was more of a watch out for yourself. Everyone in this small town knows I want nothing to do with her and she has become quite the local joke but she just doesn't get what harassment is. Reporting you to the police for stuff you don't do is harassing. The ex-christian part her is that she is convinced her problems were and are still caused by others. Out of fairness I should point out that she once posted on this site but had told me just prior to our breaking up that she was not getting the support or validation from you folks any longer. So any ideas or should I just let her think I am following her or that I even care enough to even give a damn what she does. I am very involved in my town and I certainly don't need her going to the police and having my name brought up over there. Plus I want to feel safe in my own town. For all I know she could but up some new boyfriend to do me harm and that concerns me. IF what SWIM says doesn't work then do this: Get something from here: http://www.spycatcheronline.co.uk/ Get something small. Make sure you carry it on you at all times. If you see her and she harasses you, then you can build up evidence against her. Once you have what you think is enough evidence then go to the cops with it. Also, make sure you have copies of the evidence and store it in several places and leave it with several randomly selected acquaintances. Also, if it's in data format, make sure it's encrypted and only you, the cops, and your acquaintances know the password. So after her harassing you a few times you can put a stop to it on, say, the fourth time. You could just say "I have taken the pains of recording our conversations and because I don't want you to go through more pain I really wouldn't want to turn this in to the police. However if you keep harassing me then I will be forced to do just that, and violence won't solve this either because people I know have copies of this material". I would bet you money she won't ever bother you again. With this evidence you can get yourself an RO (Restraining Order), after obtaining an RO you would need to keep collecting more evidence though. Better to be safe than sorry. Here is a more complex approach if SWIM's advice should fail for some odd reason: Get yourself equipment from that website. Remember you have three areas you need to be concerned about: 1. Your person 2. The area you are in at any given time. 3. Your home Setup equipment in home and person, but do it at "levels". So on the first infraction- again only do this stuff if what SWIM says doesn't work- you set up two devices in your home. One could be a webcam that takes pictures of your room and sends them to a remote server. Make sure the webcam software is password protected in some manner and make sure the password strength is strong. The other could be something that you plug into your wall that audio records everything in the kitchen or living room, which you would switch on after you leave. If she harasses again, then you could step it up even another level by say, asking and convincing a neighbor who is your friend to keep an eye on your place for you. This is the home area MO. For your person, carry a recording device chosen from that website and carry it on you at all times. Do not hesitate to use it if she harasses you in person. Other than that situation you can forget about using it because you won't need it. Also, on the second infraction/harassment, make sure to ask your acquaintances and friends in the places you frequent if they remember seeing someone asking about you. Ask them for a description of this person if the answer is yes. Also, make sure the recording device can output into a computer format. Once you have it on your computer stick it on a key drive and make sure you use encryption. As time goes on you would copy the encrypted evidence onto the stick drive and have multiple stick drives. The first batch of this goes to the randomly selected acquaintances. So, I think you get the picture. This would be your "on person" MO. As far as the area you are in, be alert and aware, but don't worry about things. Just be yourself. Use mirrors in windows occasionally. This will give you a good idea of your surroundings in a way that is discreet. This would be a general "Area" MO. If you have friends at the police station (and it sounds like you do), explain your plan to a friend there and use him as an asset. Protecting you is their job, so remember to have them as an asset and have this police officer friend be someone with whom you can confide in and talk about these things. One who is willing to give you advice. Also, if you have several friends in the police station, make sure you randomly select who you want to confide in. Flip a coin, draw lots, or something like that. The more random the better. Being connected with the police will tie your MO's together in a manner in which they will be supported by the police. Police support is a critical component to an effective plan such as this one. Also, after the first or second infraction make sure you make copies of your evidence and contact your police friend immediately, with the objective of obtaining a Restraining Order. Again, only do this stuff if what SWIM says doesn't work (and what he said should work). Hopefully you don't have to use this information, and hopefully you don't thank me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest christianlongago Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 So any ideas or should I just let her think I am following her or that I even care enough to even give a damn what she does. I am very involved in my town and I certainly don't need her going to the police and having my name brought up over there. Plus I want to feel safe in my own town. For all I know she could but up some new boyfriend to do me harm and that concerns me. Are you the same guy that had the problem with the crazy chick coming to the concerts he worked and the library and all that? If so, then why'd you let her off the hook? I know you said you felt sorry for her but seriously guy...she's wacky. I thought you understand that? Can you contact someone in her family and somehow get them to help you out with her? Maybe work with you to get the courts to help her help herself if she won't see a doc and get some meds/counseling (shock treatment) on her own? Ignoring her didn't work before. I'm afraid you might have to repeat the whole cycle again but this time stick it out to the end. Don't take pity until she gets some much needed help. You really are helping her in the long run that way (and once she does get help don't start up any sort of relationship no matter what...just don't). mwc Yes I am the same guy. The court and I let her off the hook. She promised to get help and the courts believed her and I did not. I wanted proof of her getting help not just picking someone out of a phone book. She only went to therapists that listened and agreed with her. When they challenged her she quit going. I explained these incidents to the courts but the saw how bad she looks and they felt sorry. If you look at a picture or her now compared to last year it looks like a different person. She went from a sweet looking lady with a tiny tiny weigh issue that actually made her look young and attractive to a drug addict look. I even felt sad and bad for her and agreed to drop my criminal harassment complaints and larceny charges. However I warned the court that since she does not understand what harassment is then she is bound to repeat it again. And I will re-file in the future if she gives me trouble. I called the courts this past week and they are not being very helpful, convient memory loss on promises and won't review the tapes of the three hearing of probable cause. I have never initiated contact with her and go out of my way to avoid her. The police were doing me a big favor by letting me know and I believe they will be watching. This is a very small town. I have their trust because I have never lied to them. The crazy lady even admitted to filing false reports and perjury but the courts let her of those charges. They did not even file on her. The police however have not forgotten. My friends also have my back, but I never know what she will do. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbobrob Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 The ex-christian part her is that she is convinced her problems were and are still caused by others. What does this mean? I don't understand what you mean by this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest christianlongago Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 The ex-christian part her is that she is convinced her problems were and are still caused by others. What does this mean? I don't understand what you mean by this? She is convinced all her problems were caused by her christian up bringing. She bears no responsibility at all. I am ex-christian and getting more so as time moves on but I don't blame all my life's disappointments on that. I caused some of it all by myself. In court you could just see her pulling out the abuse card of prior brainwashing and people believe her. Just amazes me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
white_raven23 Posted February 2, 2009 Share Posted February 2, 2009 IT was mentioned earlier...but it bears repeating...AND explicit detail. DO. NOT. COMMUNICATE. WITH. THIS. PERSON. ZERO response. ZIP. NADA. Come to accept FULLY (anything less is just going to bite you in the ass) that you want nothing to do with this person. EXPECT her to shadow you for the next 6 months no matter what...so it's not that this ignore thing is "not working" it just takes time....AND the time you have to wait for her to piss off STARTS COMPLETELY OVER every time she gets the teeniest contact (all contact is encouragement) from you. She calls you 15 times...the 16th, you pick upp the phone to scream "PISS OFF!" and hang up....all that bitch learned was that it cost 16 tries to get a hold of you. Expect her, even AFTER 6 months...to occasionally call you (just dropping a line to see if the old fishing hole has a bite). DO. NOT. ENGAGE. She will say ANYTHING to maintain contact... "I have cancer."...."My Mom died."(even if it's true, NO CONDOLENCES)..... "My dog got ran over.".... "I have something REALLY important to tell you." (NO...she doesn't) It's easy to SAY..."Ok....I'm not talking to her anymore." But no one tells you what that HAS to mean. Use the machine voice on your answering machine (and voice mail) instead of your own voice. Return to sender ALL MAIL UNOPENED. Understand this woman does no differentiate between "positive" and "negative" contact....ALL contact with you fuels her. And the only way to stop HER is to police yourself. I know that is hard. But every woman here has dealt with overzealous attention, to downright stalking at SOME point in our lives. NO it's NOT fair...but YOU are the one who has to change your behavior. SAVE everything! Every answering machine message. Make copies of the outsides of mail before you return it (remember...UNOPENED). Emails? Save them. And be empowered. YOU know exactly what she is going to do. You say you don't but, come on...you do. You know she is going to continue trying to be in your life. If she's not allowed the role of friend, she makes no nevermind about taking up the role of nemesis. And buy this book! Has EVERYTHING I've already mentioned regarding what you must do to deal with this kind of shit...and explains that you MUST take this endeavor seriously. The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Beck...2049&sr=8-1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Don't forget that there's always the alternative approach to dealing with her... Marry her and have some babies. I hear that does wonders. (If I discover you actually do this I will hunt you down myself ) mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mriana Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I agree with SWIM too. My second ex was like that. Distance helped, but he would call, PM, and email me. Occassionally, he still emails me, but I just delete it and don't even read it. Unfortunately, since I have my first ex-husband's sons, he'd not so easy to get rid of, but it shouldn't be too much longer since they are 17 and 19. He recently found religion by "reading the whole Bible twice". He's more annoying now. :roll: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts