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Should I Do This Or Not?


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I wanted to ask people who are more experienced in this whether I should come out and how. My mom keeps wanting to talk to me on the phone and I feel like I should tell her, even though she'll probably tell me I'm going to hell and disown me. I don't really care about the disowning part because I kind of want her to disown me. She was emotionally abusive and I don't want her to try to brainwash my son into this cult. I kind of feel torn on the issue. I kind of don't want to but then I think I need to to start to free myself of this crap. I've been out of religion for about two years. I was just unafilliated. I think she thinks that I'm going to repent and come back to xianity and that is never going to happen. So what would/have you done in this situation?

 

Just wanted to add some background. I'm almost 90% sure that I am the first person in my family to be an atheist. The closest there is to that in my family are two relatives who have just gone down different paths. I have an aunt who I think still believes god but she believes that Jesus was just a prophet and not the son of god. My mom flipped out about that and when her pastor came over for Xmas one year, she made a huge deal about it and went around purifying everythong with olive oil. It was kind of like the god warrior lady on Trading Spouses. Then I had a great grandfather who my mom tells me was some type of warlock (don't know if this is true of not). All she told me was that he did weird things with chickens and now our family has a curse or something. But if I come out, I will be the first person in my family to not believe in any version of a god.

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For me, I choose not to inform my parents because of their advanced age and it would just cause them undo mental pain. My mother has Parkinson's so I don't want to inflict any further emotional suffering than there needs to be. Yet they think I'm in a back-slidden condition and they believe once saved always saved. Not unlike your mother, they probably think I will return to the fold. In your case, with the emotional abuse you have endured and if she keeps up with the "get back to jesus" horse shit I would would lean towards telling her you no longer believe in her fantasy world. Especially to protect your son from the perpetuation of the myth. If I had children I would really go ballistic if my parents started to inject their mind virus into my child. It sounds as if you don't want to maintain a good relationship with your mother and that is your choice of course. No one knows what bullshit you have gone through to satisfy this woman therefore feel justified in whatever decision you make in that regard. If it gives you peace of mind, then do it and be free. If you are disowned then it is her loss and the loss of you and her grandchild's relationship. She is the one being unreasonable, not you. Putting an invisible, non-existent deity over a flesh and blood child!

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My mother is (well was, not so much now) an on fire for the lord tongue speaking Pentecostal, My mother also knows I now reject god. When I was going thru the hard part of losing my faith, I became extremely angry and hostile when ever "God", "salvation", 'death' and so forth came up. It would turn into world war 3, My main goal was to protect my kids from the clutches of the evil fear inducing dogma. I have raised my kids to the best of my ability, without God, it works for us.

 

She mourned for me more then got angry at first. She felt she failed god on some level, She felt responsible and sick at the possibility that I (and her grandkids) were going to hell. I think this ate at her more then anything in retrospect. The clutches of fear that the dogma inflicts on it's believers are extremely controlling, some people submit to the fear without thinking about it rationally, it's how they become Fundys. Take away the fear and irrationality of hell, you take away the control. I've talked to her about how I arrived at my lack of belief, I've pointed out holes in the dogma, holes in the buybull, paganism and how almost all things she believes to be of god are really redesigned sun/son worship. I've pointed out unjust things in the story's in her buybull and so forth. Lots of tears, lots of stress, LOTS of growing pains. I have alway been close to both my parents, but there comes a time when you grow up and need to walk your own path. I think this has caused her to pause and think. She stopped going to Church, and accepts me for who I am.

 

God hardly even comes up anymore, she's at peace and so am I. I accept she needs god, she accepts I don't. I wouldn't change telling her.

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I think this has caused her to pause and think. She stopped going to Church, and accepts me for who I am.

 

God hardly even comes up anymore, she's at peace and so am I. I accept she needs god, she accepts I don't. I wouldn't change telling her.

 

So do you think she is on the road to deconversion? I could never see my parents doing this. They are what I like to call "devotedly deluded".

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I think this has caused her to pause and think. She stopped going to Church, and accepts me for who I am.

 

God hardly even comes up anymore, she's at peace and so am I. I accept she needs god, she accepts I don't. I wouldn't change telling her.

 

So do you think she is on the road to deconversion? I could never see my parents doing this. They are what I like to call "devotedly deluded".

 

 

No, but I think her love for me outweighs the thought of me going to hell. I think once I pointed out to her that Hell was both an Egyptian and Greek concepts in the "pagan" day's, (the Underworld, Hades) It kind of opened her eyes. What would a true god ™ mimic pagans with their punishment? I also told her that the founders of the God she follows (Aka Jews) Don't believe in hell either and that there must be something to that. I think I gave her an out from her fear, which was at the base of controlling her, if that makes sense? She will always "know" there's a god, I don't want to take away her faith, I just don't want her to be controlled with fear. She knows I try to do what's right, why should I burn forever for not kissing gods ass? If he doesn't want me not to believe its within his power to show me he does exist, I told her this also.

 

I'd also like to stress that I didn't just sit down and tell my mother this in one conversation, this has been on going for years.

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I think I'm mostly afraid of her reaction. I know it's going to be bad. The reason why I do want to tell her is because I'm having a hard time growing up and getting away from my overprotective fundie parents' ideas and this could really help me towards becoming an independent person. I was dependent on my parents for practically my entire life for everything and now, I need to work things out on my own. I've decided that if I tell her, it'll be over email, not over the phone or in person. I think that'll help get me over the fear of hearing her immediate reaction.

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I think I'm mostly afraid of her reaction. I know it's going to be bad. The reason why I do want to tell her is because I'm having a hard time growing up and getting away from my overprotective fundie parents' ideas and this could really help me towards becoming an independent person. I was dependent on my parents for practically my entire life for everything and now, I need to work things out on my own. I've decided that if I tell her, it'll be over email, not over the phone or in person. I think that'll help get me over the fear of hearing her immediate reaction.

 

That's a good idea.

 

Another Idea you can take it or leave it of course, after you write it out, wait a day before you send it. Reread it, then critique it. Make sure you say all you want to say. Sometimes the thoughts of the unknown are far worse then what really ends up happening. I know it's very very hard to break free, People you love are involved. Do whats best for yourself and your family and don't worry about the rest!! Much luck to you Skeptic, and Welcome to Ex-C!

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Another Idea you can take it or leave it of course, after you write it out, wait a day before you send it. Reread it, then critique it. Make sure you say all you want to say. Sometimes the thoughts of the unknown are far worse then what really ends up happening. I know it's very very hard to break free, People you love are involved. Do whats best for yourself and your family and don't worry about the rest!! Much luck to you Skeptic, and Welcome to Ex-C!

 

This is certainly good advice. Don't send an email in the heat of the moment. Don't be overly emotional about it. State your reasons and logic for your deconversion. Let the emotions come from her side, and they will, so be prepared. We have all been through this and in most cases still going through it. This is why I despise all religion because it causes so much strife between family members. Good luck Skeptic!

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I'd also like to stress that I didn't just sit down and tell my mother this in one conversation, this has been on going for years.

 

This applies to me and my mother as well. I've been gradually undoing my indoctrination and gently giving her tidbits of information on that. I'd like to talk to her more because I think religion is actually making her miserable, but it will be a long, little bit at a time kind of thing. I generally don't bring it up. I let her bring it up and then I explain things I've learned and thought through. She gave up the notion of hell quite some time ago. Now I'm just trying to show her that without hell there is not need for this human sacrifice, called JC. Kind of blows everything else out of the water.

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I think I'm mostly afraid of her reaction. I know it's going to be bad. The reason why I do want to tell her is because I'm having a hard time growing up and getting away from my overprotective fundie parents' ideas and this could really help me towards becoming an independent person. I was dependent on my parents for practically my entire life for everything and now, I need to work things out on my own. I've decided that if I tell her, it'll be over email, not over the phone or in person. I think that'll help get me over the fear of hearing her immediate reaction.

 

I am all for telling them, because living a lie is just not healthy.

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You could just live your life the way you want to, and let them draw their own conclusions. It is the Christian meme which gets people to want to tell everyone, cause other than breeding, it's the only way the meme survives.

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I would have to say that this passive method has been what I've done. I left xtianity more than 20 years ago... I also moved 3000 miles from my family about the same time. So I have been able to simply live my own life with very little interference. My parents believe in "once saved, always saved" so that helps. They know that I do not go to church, or take my children to church. Neither of my children was baptised, christened or dedicated. I know my mother is not happy about this, but she doesn't say much.

 

She tried for a while to tell me I should be taking my children to sunday school, but my son has some physical handicaps and I always used that as an excuse not to take him. She used to send a lot of Veggie Tales videos to my kids, which we all enjoyed actually. I have no problem with my children being exposed to stories of the Old Testament, anymore than any other classic work of fiction. Veggie Tales have gotten more preachy over the years, but in the early days they were pretty amusing.

 

I think my parents know that I am at least a very backslidden xtian (I don't think they can imagine the idea of an ex-C) and I'm sure they pray for us a lot. But mostly they don't talk religion with me. Or if they do, it's about other people, not about my beliefs. They tell me they are praying for someone or they tell me about "miracles" that happen to people in their church. But that stuff doesn't bother me, it's who they are and they are happy. They never ask me to pray for anyone or ask me to pray with them. In fact, when I am visiting them they don't even say grace at meals, and years ago they stopped expecting me to go to church with them. Most of the time when I visit they don't even go to church themselves, preferring to spend precious time with me.

 

This has evolved over a very long time! But it's much more comfortable for me than it would have been to have a big, overt confrontation about the fact that I don't believe any longer.

 

My sister is a much more outspoken Jesus Freak, but even she has started to understand that I simply am not interested in conversations about Jesus or her medical miracles. I nod and smile and make small non-commital sounds when she starts to go on. Her husband and both her sons are non-believers, so she's used to it.

 

I say live your life your way and let the chips fall. Why have a bit "outing" conversation? Everyone has to choose their own path but I choose the path of the lazy I guess.

 

Heather

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I probably will never tell my mother. Her health can't handle it. Plus, I don't wanna give those fake fucks that she goes to church with the opportunity to "pray" for me then go behind her back and say, "She must not be as good of a parent as we thought." And believe me they will. I live in a part of the world where the parents are judged by the way the children have turned out.

 

But good luck to you. Whatever you decide

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I personally believe that it's usually the best thing to tell family members who have been primarily loving toward you throughout your life, and who actively and specifically want to know what you believe. Building a relationship on lies can be very damaging. I also believe that it's usually the best thing to allow caring family members who want to remain in denial to do so.

 

Since your mother was emotionally abusive, I definitely don't think that you owe her an opportunity to judge your life.

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