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Guest sanabituranima
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Guest sanabituranima

Ok, this is maybe in the wrong forum and probably going to be incoherent. It is nearlt midbight. Will probablt be a lot later by the time I've finished.

 

I was raised a Catholic. Don't knoew if I believe in God. Know I don't love Him. Don't know if I believe in the Chirch. Know I don;t want to. Sorry I'm not writing proper sentences. It's hard to think straight.

 

I want to stop existing. I don't belive i can ever be happy. If there is an afterlife, it's not going to be anice one. Not for me, anyway. AndI can''t be happy in this life. There is too much guilt, too much fear, anf I never got the secret trick of making people like me, Other people just seem to get how to talk to people I don;t. I jsut feel my throat constrict when I try to have a conversation.I am so afriad. Peple can see I am strange. They make fun of me. Always, since I was a little girl, I was hated and bullied. My mum and dad love me. And I used to think God loved me. Ad that udes to be enough.

 

Noe it is not enougj. God maybe isn;t there, and if he is certainly HE doed no love me. My mum and dad,they will alwyas love me, but they would be angry if I lived a wrong life. And by God's definition, I am a wrong person. He made me wrong. It's not fair. I have made bad choiced, I would probably still be bad even if he hadn't made me disgusting, but he did. If He mad eme. If He's there. If He's there I am scared of hell but I'd still rather go there than be with Him, because h'es a bastard.

 

I am what the Pope calls "objectively disordered". I can't bring myself to say or tyoe the proper word for it. Using that label for myself, makes me want to bang my head against the walls, bite myself, cry. I hae been crying a lot today. That is what made me search for a place like this to excape.

 

I want to escape so much. I want to feel like I am human. Because right now, I don't see mysefl as a human bein. I feel guilty for wanting to kill myself. I also feel guilty for not killing myself, because my life is slightly less miserable than hell, and Hell is wht I deserve for being what I am, so if Ihad any decency I would just die.

 

I want to not be sad any more. I don't care if I am alive or dead. I don't care, just not being sad is all I want. If there really i no God, then I can die and stop being sad. But I couldn;'t be happy alive if there is not any God, because I would miss Him too much.

 

See, I have many happy memories of God., It would be great to believe in a God that does not hate me. Because then I woudl be able to still be alive and not jut e not sad. actually be happy.

 

But there is not any point in living ithout God., I can';t make people like me. My family.... they will find out I am bad and not loveme. So then I will be alone. I have two hpoes - that Catholic Gpod is imaginary anf that there's another God who is nice, ot that here is no God at alll and I can die and be nowhere and not be miserable.

 

I must escape. I can't live this way.

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Dear sanabituranima, my heart goes out to you! I certainly cannot know what has made you feel so much despair, but I can assure you that I do not believe that you are bad, or wrong, or disgusting.

 

I personally do not believe in the god of the bible and what you are describing is one of the primary reasons why I do not believe. I simply cannot believe in a god that would create “his children” to be “objectively disordered” and THEN call them an abomination.

 

I believe that you are a human being who is deserving of love, kindness and affection. Maybe you are right and there is a kinder, gentler god that you can come to know and rely on. I personally do not need a relationship like that. I am by no means perfect, but I am able to accept that about myself and live a full and happy life.

 

I think that you will find a lot of support here that is beyond what I can offer you. There are a lot of what the pope calls “objectively disordered” members here. In my humble opinion, I find this label offensive and inappropriate. You a person who was born a certain way and no one has the right to make you feel wrong about that.

 

Please hang around and seek some answers and support. There are many wonderful people here who can offer you so much.

 

I’m wishing for peace of mind and clarity of thought for you.

 

Hugs!!!

 

noob

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Guest sinderella60

sanabituranima,

 

this place within where you are now, is the place i refer to as "my dark, dark night" it is a sorrowful, lonely place. the place where you struggle to find reasoning on the whys. the place of darkness where only you know. i cannot attempt to know the sorrow that as brought you to this place. just know that even though it appears you are alone, you are not. for many of us have been there. it is a place that you want to escape and also never to leave. it is the familiar place that welcomes you back with arms of despair and hopelessness. it feels comfortable and hopeless.

 

it is the place where you find you. in this darkness you grow. coming out of this will make you stronger and better prepared for the next time. each time you enter and exit you have learned more and more about who you are, what you want. you start to see through your own eyes rather than those of others. be strong, stay, ask your questions and let you answer. then come back to the world a stronger, more vibrant self.

 

something i have always found helpful in these times is journaling. let all of your self pour out. everything is accepted, everything is perfect because it is within you. let it flow out from you. release it out of you, say the words in print you cannot say in voice.

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sanabituranima,

 

I can hear the pain and anguish in your words and I'm sad that you are going through all that you have described. I'm not clear exactly on why you want to quit existing, or what is troubling you specifically, but I can tell you that I can identify with much of what you say. And I don't want you to be sad either.

 

I too have always had trouble making friends. Even people who seem to like me don't seem to make much of an effort to be around me. Like a character in one of Lous L'Amour's western novels said, "People just don't cotton to me." Imagine feeling isolated in a world of billions! That sense of isolation has also made me feel less than human. Not too long ago, I concluded that I must be one of John Calvin's pre-destined damned! But, finally, I saw the light that I am a human being, who, at the time, was going through yet another down phase in my life. Instead of letting my religious exposures ruin me, I concluded that as a human, I have the potential to change my future for the better, and maybe change other people's futures for the better as well.

 

I still feel sad - - - sometimes several times daily. But I decided to try to make a series of small changes in my life with a good probability of contributing to a better outlook and a better life.

 

Nobody is inherently bad or disgusting. We all have some degree of potential effectiveness in this life. Don't let negative messages from others - - - Popes, priests, preachers, teachers or any other people convince you you are not worthy or valuable. You may not feel worthy right now, but feelings change.

 

Please, get some rest. Try to clear your head, and tell us more about yourself.

 

Thanks for reaching out.

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sanabituranima,

 

No need to say "Sorry" to us. No need to apologize for the outpouring of your feelings. This site is brimming full of people with feelings of all sorts, which they feel safe in presenting here.

 

So please do feel safe here, too.

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Sanabituranima, you can be happy. I understand how you feel, having had several e-friends of mine go through the same thing. You are not "disordered" at all, in anyway, not objectively or otherwise. You are human and you are perfectly fine the way you are. Forget what the pope says. Who is he anyway, but an ex-Hitler Youth in fancy robes and a big hat? You do not deserve to suffer, you do not deserve to go to hell.

 

There is no reason to be sorry for who you are. And there is no reason to be sorry for telling us how you feel.

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Ok, first, I think you're in need of more help than we can provide. If you're feeling suicidal you really need to get help. Seriously.

 

I've left the Church as well. It is a very isolating feeling at first, and it takes time to get rid of the mental conditioning you've been through and also to feel sure about your own personal relationships. It will come, but with time.

 

Breathe. It's important to remember to do that.

 

As far as beliefs as to whether or not a deity loves you, many here have come to their own conclusions. As for existence of a god, same. There are many here that are living proof that there is life after religion, and, honestly, a better one. It gets better, but it takes time. Sounds like you've just started.

 

We're here if you need us.

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  • Super Moderator

Hello and welcome.

 

Remember that you are escaping the brainwashing of a cult, so cut yourself some slack. I agree with BlueGiant that you may need professional help.

 

If you look around here you will see stories that are horrendous. These people survived, and so can you. It's a new world, and it's really a better world you've entered - a world of self determination.

 

Take your time, get some help, and we'll be here to support you.

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Your feelings are valid and important. Don't ignore them...but don't let them control you either...

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